Author's Note:
Ta-daaaa!
Still alive and kicking. Had to deal with a lot in my real life, hence the hiatus. It was always the plan to complete it, but sometimes, life has its own plans, right? Plus I wanted everything finished and beta-read before I'd resume posting, which added to the break...
Anyway, if I counted correctly, there are about 8 chapters, 1 flashback, and an epilogue left to post. It's going to be an emotional ride, I promise. And I'll try and post weekly, now that I have them all ready.
Thanks for your patience and sticking with me! It means a lot! 3
And last but definitely not least: Many many thanks to my wonderful beta MusicLover19! Mwah!
Chapter 32: The Pensieve
"Draco, please!" Hermione let out with an amused chuckle, standing in the kitchen at his place, as he embraced her from behind, leaving a trail of peppered kisses on her neck. "I'm trying to make us breakfast!"
"It's far too early to think about food yet," he replied teasingly.
"It's almost lunch, and I'm hungry!" Hermione tried to push his hand away, as he was distracting her with caresses from keeping an eye on the scrambled eggs in the frying pan.
"You could let Tilly prepare the rest–"
"Hmm..." She closed her eyes for a brief moment, enjoying the soft yet wickedly teasing touches of his lips against the skin on her still couldn't believe that they had found their way back together, that he found her worth the risk.
In a way, it still felt like a dream. One she hoped she never woke up from.
New Year's Eve had been the turning point for them, changing everything. They had spent every single day together, adjusting to each other's presence but easily slipping into a few old habits. Those days were filled with a lot of physical contact, be it cuddles or kisses or even more, and a deepened sense of feeling home once more.
However, especially Hermione felt like she needed to catch up on everything she had deprived herself of in all those years, relishing in everything he was willing to give. And right now, she absolutely relished him holding her like that, his arms around her waist while he peppered her neck with those softest of kisses.
With a sigh, she pushed the frying pan to the back of the stove, switching the plate off before turning around to face Draco. Her heart beat a tiny bit faster when she saw his ardent smile; she still wasn't used to seeing it again, having missed it so much.
After a few more silent seconds, she captured his lips in a kiss, relishing in the touch of them—he was never possessive, but just as eager as her to feel connected once more. And he was everywhere—his tongue swirling around hers, his hands digging into the hair on the side of her head, his whole body gently pressing her against the counter, not to mention his scent.
A faint remnant of his cologne and the tanginess of his skin.
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him closer to deepen the kiss further, aching for more. She let out a small moan when one of his hands changed to her lower back, sneaking under her pyjama top and leaving a small electrifying trail on her skin.
They were both so engrossed in the kiss that they didn't hear the fireplace activate, announcing a visitor to arrive.
"Merlin, get a room, people!"
Startled, Hermione pulled away, only to discover Pansy standing in the doorframe with a smirk on her lips and an envelope in her fingers.
Draco immediately straightened up and let go of Hermione, even taking a step forward to cover her in an instinctive move. "What are you doing here?"
"Unlike you, I don't have the luxury of taking days off to inaugurate the kitchen counter. Some have to deal with an uncooperating Ministry..."
"Pansy," he replied with an exasperated sigh, brushing a strand out of his face. "You only had to wait until Monday–"
"I know. But then I saw this on your desk." Pansy held up the envelope, a beautifully folded and sealed piece of parchment with just his name on top. "No one knows how this ended up on your desk."
Hermione tried to have a better view from behind Draco, who was noticeably tensing up from seeing the envelope. She thought that Pansy also used the opportunity of bringing the envelope for something else. It was as good as any other moment, so she stepped next to Draco with a nervous but hopefully inviting smile. "I was about to make some coffee; would you like a cup?"
Draco wasn't entirely happy about the interruption, but at least he relaxed enough to no longer wanting to protect her. After a small sigh, he pressed a kiss to her temple. "I'll give you two a minute..."
Pansy meanwhile stepped into the kitchen, still holding up the envelope for him to take on his way out of the room while she couldn't keep an amused smirk from curling up her lips. "I'm sure it won't take long."
"Just be nice," Draco replied as he snatched the envelope from her hands, sending her a warning glare even.
"I'm always nice." With a shrug, Pansy took a seat at the kitchen table, while Hermione set about filling the coffee pot before putting it on the stove.
"As if."
They both watched him leave the kitchen before Hermione sat down at the table as well while the coffee was brewing on the stove. "He told me about what you said..."
Pansy smiled in response, leaning on her elbows as she studied Hermione closely. "It's nice to see him happy again, you know?"
Hermione sighed and pulled her hair into a loose tail in her neck, mostly to keep her hands from nervously fidgeting around. "Yeah. I was a fool to ever let go of what we had... I'm really sorry for what I did, I just... I just–"
"I don't need the details–"
"I just panicked and thought it would be better this way. I really didn't mean to cause so much pain."
"Hermione, it's okay." Pansy leaned closer, her smile softening further. "All I wanted was to hear from yourself that you're sorry. I don't need the details, that's between you and Draco for all I care."
Her mind reeling, Hermione brushed over her head, pushing a couple of obstinate strands out of her face. To calm down, she took several deep breaths, trying to sort her thoughts. "You mean...?"
"Yes, I'll accept your apology."
The coffee pot was boiling now, so Hermione got up to pour it into the mugs that were waiting on the counter, glad for the momentary distraction. "You know, we were planning to show you all what happened to me and why I broke up with him all those years ago. With a Pensieve I mean..."
"Yeah, Draco mentioned something like that when he stopped by at the company yesterday."
With two mugs Hermione returned to the table, only to then hastily Summon sugar and milk as well. "I'm really sorry for everything. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, least of all Draco. And I thought you deserve to know the truth... I just hope you won't think less of me afterwards–"
"Come on, you both looked happy when I came in, that's all that counts for me. And if he thinks he can live with whatever it is, then I think so can I." Pansy added a sugar cube to her mug before lifting it to her lips, blowing carefully over it. "Just be careful this time."
Finally relaxing with relief spreading through her whole body, Hermione added more milk than usual to her coffee. Even though she knew that for Pansy it was just a formality to hear the apology, she had still been scared of the moment, so her acceptance was a huge relief, making her feel slightly dizzy even. "I promise. I was a complete idiot, but I'm not going to make the same mistake twice."
"Glad to hear–"
"Draco, everything okay?" Hermione cried out when she saw him return to the kitchen, all pale and fisting the opened envelope tightly in his hand; the smile on his face was no reassurance either, she still knew him too well.
Yet, he nodded in response to her question. "Yes. And you sorted everything out?"
The women shared a look, both not believing his answer, but neither of them going to ask any further.
"Of course," Pansy replied before having more of her coffee. "For a decent brunch, I'd even help with how to best apologise to Astoria, because it's still a sore point for her..."
"I'll see what I can find," Draco replied after his first gulp of coffee, the envelope now hiding in the pockets of his lounge bottoms.
"Let Tilly do it, Draco." For the moment, Hermione was worried about his reaction to the envelope, but there was no chance he would tell her right now; she would have to wait until the first shock had worn off and he would come to her. "Come sit with us–"
"Just let me, okay?"
Hermione wanted to say something to counter his snappy remark, but then saw Pansy shake her head, so she only sighed and leaned back. "Fine. There should still be some potatoes in the pantry..."
So, while Draco prepared a small brunch, the women kept discussing first ideas for Pansy's wedding and laughed about how much her parents liked Ron for asking them for their daughter's hand in marriage according to the old pure-blood traditions.
..
The following Saturday, Hermione had forgotten about the envelope, as she was utterly preoccupied with her plans of apologising to the rest of Draco's Slytherin friends, knowing that it wouldn't be as easy as Pansy. Their plan was to show them a selected set of memories to explain her reasoning, because there were no words that would be adequate to do so.
There were no words adequate enough to describe what the accident had been like, or what she had felt like when she came to the disastrous decision to break up with Draco back then. And no words could ever be good enough to describe the emotions she had gone through, or how scared she still was.
They figured that it would be easier for Hermione to wait in the bedroom for his friends to arrive, that he would greet them alone and explain their plan for the evening, playing a buffer between her and them.
She sat on the bed, a small vial of her Calming Draught in her hand and her eyes fixed on the other vial on the nightstand, when she heard the fireplace go on to announce their arrival. She swallowed hard to try and clear her throat from the growing knot, but to no avail. Within seconds, her heart was racing, and it took all her mental strength to resist the urge to just Apparate back to her place to hide there.
This was something she had to do, something she could no longer run away from. She just hoped that they wouldn't think any less of her afterwards.
Closing her eyes, she focused on her breathing for a moment, forcing her heartbeat to slow down again before she could take the Draught. The faint sound of Draco's voice as he greeted his friends had an additional soothing effect, making her feel a tiny bit more grounded.
She opened her eyes again and downed the Draught in one go, still not liking the taste too much, despite having to take it regularly. She was looking forward to the day she no longer needed it, but right now, she was glad it gave her the strength to get through potentially upsetting moments like this.
The empty vial still in her hands, she rose to her feet, as ready as she could hope to be to face the people she had hurt as much as Draco with the break-up. She was already at the door when she realised that she had the wrong vial in her hand, and returned to the nightstand to switch them.
The full one contained the memories she had chosen to show them.
Now, with the correct vial in her hand, she finally left the bed room to join them in the living room, albeit taking slow, measured steps through the corridor, fighting the urge to run away with every single one.
She was about to make the last steps to appear in the door frame when Draco came out, a concerned yet soft smile on his face. "You're ready?"
"Honestly? I'd rather have the ground swallow me right now..."
"Hey, I'm here." He opened his arms in an offer of a hug, which she gladly accepted. "If I can let go, they can too."
"Thanks. For everything I mean." She buried her face in his chest, simply taking in his soothing scent. Yet it was the feel of his magic connecting with hers, as it often did when they hugged, that calmed her mind.
She was going to get through this, as long as he stayed with her.
He placed a kiss on her head, rubbing her back gently. "You have the memories?"
"Yes." She slowly let go of his waist and held up the vial.
"Okay, let's show them. Remember, I'm right behind you..."
Putting up her bravest smile, Hermione stepped through the door to the living room, clutching the vial tightly. "Hello, everyone. Th-Thank you for coming..."
The room immediately fell silent, with every single Slytherin present staring at her, ranging from indifference to a sneer in disapproval; only Pansy stood a bit to the side with a small smile, watching her friends with interest.
"Really, thank you." Hermione tried to keep up her smile, faced with so many stony, even wary expressions. "I... I..."
"Let me." Draco was right behind her, reaching for her hand that held the vial; he held it up after she had reluctantly let go of it. "This is what tonight is about. It was her idea, and we figured it was the simplest way to explain things."
"You asked us here to look at a few memories?" Astoria asked, her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed. "What's that going to help?"
"Just..." Draco sighed but remained otherwise calm. "Just have a look, Astoria."
Unlike her sister, Daphne was simply sceptical about it, no nurtured malice to find in her expression. With a raised eyebrow in question, she turned towards Pansy, who simply shrugged.
Meanwhile, Draco poured the memories into the Pensieve while Hermione remained glued to the door, unable to get any closer.
"Mate, you're sure about it? You know what we're going to see?" Blaise joined Draco at the Pensieve, nodding to his wife to follow him.
"Yes. And I'd have a look if I were you."
Clinging to the door frame, Hermione watched the Slytherins all gather around the Pensieve, exchanging looks, even asking Pansy what it was about, but she only motioned to do as asked.
To relax while they were watching her memories, Hermione returned to the corridor, leaning against the wall. She just hoped it worked.
One of the memories had been a business trip to Greece, as a representative for the British Ministry at the international legislation committee discussing an update to the Laws about Magical Creatures.
She had managed to get one additional day out of it to explore the country and its history, ending it with a great evening out in the beautiful Greek wizarding quarters in Athens in company of the Greek representative.
"Don't touch me!" a female voice shouted from a side alley, immediately gaining Hermione's attention on her stroll back to her hotel. "Keep your filthy fingers off my feathers–"
"We have a bargain, bird!"
She should have known better than to get involved in such a situation after she had at least one Ouzo too many; the Greek spokesman had been generous with the alcohol. But her sense of justice won, as always. "Leave her alone!"
The following fight had been a blur of feathers and spells going off. Moments later, she lay on the floor, heavily bleeding from at least one deep wound in her thigh, but had probably even more.
She didn't remember how she ended up in St. Mungo's, only the relief to see Draco's face again.
That had been the moment she knew something was different, that she had changed. What followed was a time full of fear and trying to survive.
And the fateful decision to break up with the love of her life.
Hermione was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, listening to the people in the living room. "What do you think they'll say?"
Draco, who was leaning against the door frame, had a quick look back into the room before he shrugged. "I don't know. Just apologise, and if necessary, I'll deal with them, okay?"
She nodded, rubbing her shins. "I hate waiting."
That was when the voices in the living room came back to life again, sounding like a shocked whisper; Draco turned around to check on his friends.
But to both their surprise, Daphne came out into the corridor before Draco could even react, kneeling down in front of Hermione who was still sitting on the floor. "Is all that true?"
Hermione studied her face before she slowly, almost reluctantly nodded; Daphne's shock was still visible, and her voice had only been a whisper.
"You were scared."
Again, Hermione nodded, more confident this time, yet still watching Daphne closely. "I was afraid you'd think less of me. I'm sorry for everything; I didn't mean to hurt you all."
"You're still Hermione."
A gasp escaped Hermione before she caught herself. "Thanks. And-And you're not scared of–of me?"
After half an eternity of silence, Daphne finally shook her head. "Draco trusts you."
Hermione wanted to reply to this, but the words got stuck in her throat. To her surprise, Daphne offered her hand for a shake, and she gladly accepted it.
"You made a mistake, but I think you suffered enough for it. Just be–"
"–careful, I know." Hermione couldn't help but smile in relief as she let go of Daphne's hand again. "I promise."
"That's good enough for me." With a small smile, Daphne rose to her feet, helping Hermione to get back up as well. "Ready to face my sister?"
Hermione nodded with a sigh, brushing a few strands out of her face. "I don't really have a choice now, I think."
"It'll be okay in the end. " Daphne led the way into the living room where Draco was already talking with the rest of his friends about what they've just seen in the Pensieve, all of them still looking rather shocked.
"You!"
Hermione had barely made any steps into the room when Astoria left the group and approached her. She froze in her spot, unable to react in any way; her heart was about to break through her chest, beating fast and hard.
"You coward! Did you really think this is enough?!"
"No," Hermione replied, gritting her teeth, seeking Draco in the back. "I'm sorry for what I've done, okay? I didn't mean to cause so much harm–"
"You were supposed to be my bridesmaid! Do you think it was fun to postpone my wedding to make sure Draco got through the loss? Have you any idea what it was like to watch one of my closest friends destroy himself because you were a coward?"
"Astoria!" Pansy joined them, trying to get between them even. "You promised me to listen to her explanation–"
"This is not an explanation!" Astoria retorted, trembling and flexing her hands. "Don't tell me you just forg–!"
"I was fucking scared, Astoria!" Hermione refused to be intimidated by Astoria's harsh words, despite her previous anxious doubts, and she returned the stare with the same intensity. She placed her hand on Pansy's shoulder to make her move to the side. As much as she appreciated her intervention, this was a fight she had to brave on her own.
"Yes, I forgave her," Pansy hissed towards Astoria, only to turn her head in surprise at Hermione's touch. After furrowing her brows in question, she indeed moved to the side.
"Of course, you'd side with the Gryffindor, now that you're engaged to one of them."
"Pansy, it's okay," Hermione said with an appeasing smile.
Pansy took a deep breath, but kept glaring at Astoria for her bitter words. "You seriously need to learn to let go..."
Astoria returned the glare, even briefly narrowed her eyes at Pansy, before she returned her attention to Hermione. "How can you even say that things are okay? How can you even dare to–?"
For a heartbeat, Hermione felt her head filled with screeching and a flash of anger. "I... I was really scared, Astoria. I have a creature living inside me. I am a half-creature–"
"So what?" Astoria growled, her arms crossed by now. "Is that a reason to–?"
"Hey!" Now Draco stepped up.
"Yes, it is!" Hermione let out, trembling from the attempt to stay calm despite everything inside her screaming for lashing out. "Do you have any idea what it's like to deal with being a creature every goddamn single day, scared that you might be rejected for what you've become? And scared that your friends—or worse, the one you love!—might think less of you because of it? Do you think that is fun?"
"YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND! But instead you left me, and I had to pick up the pieces of your ex, make sure he didn't kill himself! Do you think that was fair?"
"I am sorry, okay?" Hermione retorted, closing her eyes momentarily as her vision started to blur. The touch of Draco's hand gently wrapped around her wrist helped her feel grounded again. "I apologised to Draco, and I try my best to make it up to him. Just ask him..."
"Draco isn't the wisest when it comes to his heart–"
"What else do you want, Astoria?" Hermione hissed. "Am I supposed to fall to my knees and beg you for forgiveness?"
Draco strengthened his hold on her wrist, as she was about to move in on Astoria. "Just stop now, and take a breath! Accept that I decided to give her a second chance–"
"Oh, that's why you suddenly disappeared on New Year's Eve!" Astoria retorted, still fuming, not in the least intimidated by Draco hovering over her. "She's more important than us, your friends. I get it."
"Maybe, right now she is," Pansy said, sounding all collected and ready for a confrontation as she covered Hermione's other side. "If you knew even the smallest thing about what she's been through, then you wouldn't say such things. It doesn't mean we're less important–"
"Have you forgotten the aftermath? What we had to do to protect him? What we had to give up to make sure we can keep an eye on him and the company running?"
"I haven't forgotten it, Astoria," Pansy replied, sharing a glance with Draco who nodded. "But I rather see Draco happy again than keep a grudge forever. And she does make him happy, I've seen it. Let them have it..."
Astoria huffed at Pansy's words, and was about to retort when Blaise pulled her back a few steps, looking concerned.
"Love," he said with a low voice as he added a kiss to her temple. "Remember what the doctor said..."
"Doctor?" Hermione asked in surprise, the previous anger blown away by those few words.
But Astoria pushed her husband away, only to return to her previous spot, or even a step closer towards Hermione with a furious, hurt expression. "I'm pregnant... But why would you care now?"
"Astoria–"
"No, you don't get to say anything right now," Astoria said harshly. "You were the one I came to when I struggled with things, when I had an argument with Blaise, or with my family. I don't make friends easily, and you were the first real friend I had. I was only in the group because of my sister, until you came along... And then you just left without a word."
"Love, please..."
"What do you mean with she was your first real friend?" Pansy asked, visibly irritated. "We didn't count?"
"Shh, Pans... Not now." Daphne now joined them as well, having watched the scene from the pensieve until now. "It's-It's complicated enough."
"But–"
"Let her."
Astoria shook her head defiantly. "How could you dare to just leave us all without a word? How?"
Hermione didn't know what to say or do, as shaken as she was by Astoria's words. She had been afraid of her reaction, but she had never realised before how deep the hurt went. "I-I was scared."
"I get that." Astoria sighed and tried to get a hold of the nearest piece of furniture, which was the armchair next to the sofa, when she started to sway. However, she didn't protest when Hermione reached for her hand and led her to sit down in the armchair.
For the moment, Hermione ignored everyone else in the room; she was completely focused on Astoria who was still upset and not feeling well.
"I hated how I had to deal with everything on my own, you know? That I had to give up some of my plans and dreams... It was so hard." Astoria now whispered, the fury of the first few minutes having left her. "Sometimes I just wanted to hex you into oblivion for what you did. And now you're back as if nothing happened."
Hermione kneeled down in front of Astoria, a small, apologetic smile on her face. "I'm really sorry for everything. I completely panicked and I just couldn't think straight, and I agree that I didn't handle the situation as I should have. I failed you, yes, but the last thing I wanted was for you to think that I didn't value your friendship."
Astoria leaned back to rest her head against the back of the armchair. "I thought we would raise our children together and drive those two idiots crazy from time to time. I always wanted children, but I had no choice over the last eight years because, instead, I had to keep an eye on Draco and make sure he was okay."
In a grateful, gentle gesture, Hermione placed her hand on Astoria's knee. "Thank you for taking care of him... It means a lot."
"I don't want you to hurt him again. Or us."
That was when Draco kneeled down next to Hermione, an earnest expression on his face. "We are working on that, together with Dr Pendry. I–"
"Astoria, I don't want to hurt him, or any of you, again either, I promise. This second chance means too much to me to risk it. "
"Love, you need to rest..." Blaise leaned down from behind, looking worried.
"Get her some water," Hermione said calmly. "It's probably just a bit much. Ginny had that a lot when she was pregnant with James."
"Are you sure?" Astoria whispered, her gaze fixed on Draco, when Blaise left the room. "Because I don't think I have the energy to pick up the pieces again while caring for a baby."
After a glance to Hermione, smiling softly, Draco nodded.
"I still think you're a fool for it." With a small, tired groan, Astoria propped herself up when Blaise reappeared with the glass of water and accepted it gladly. "But I'm tired of fighting. I just want to see you happy–"
"I know," Draco replied, exchanging a quick glance with Blaise who was back in his spot behind the armchair. "But this makes me happy."
"I... I can help you with the pregnancy if you let me. I have enough nieces and nephews to–"
"I want to go home." Blatantly ignoring Hermione's offer, Astoria put the still full glass of water on the table, after only having had a few sips from it. "I need to lie down."
"Of course." Trying to push the disappointment aside, Hermione helped her get up, stabilising her when she swayed a bit until Blaise took over.
...
Moments after the Slytherins had left, Hermione could no longer hold herself up; she barely managed to reach the armchair before she collapsed. She had been so focused on Astoria all throughout their confrontation that only now all those doubts came back with full force, leaving her reeling.
"Hey, are you alright?" Worried, Draco kneeled down in front of her. "Do you want another dose of the Draught?"
She shook her head, focused on her breathing because she didn't want to give in to the panic attack threatening to take over. "I'm such an idiot..."
"You're not, Hermione." He reached for one of her hands that she had wrapped around her knees. "You had the courage to at least try, okay?"
She pulled her hand away, not wanting to be comforted right now. "How could I ever make it up to her? And what about my... my other side? Aren't they going to hate me now?"
"They won't... Remember what Daphne and Pansy said?"
Hermione nodded reluctantly, biting her lower lip.
"And if they still have a problem with it, then they will have to deal with me, okay?"
Again, she nodded, wanting to believe him. But Astoria made it clear that she didn't want her back in their lives, that she didn't want to give her a second chance to make it up to her. That there was no way their friendship could be rebuilt.
There was too much hurt.
"Hey, don't go there, my lioness." Draco's words were just a whisper, but their warmth and earnest concern pulled her out of her thoughts. "I'm here, with you. You're not alone in this."
She swallowed hard, and her eyes started to blur with tears. She didn't want to cry because that would mean giving in to the stupid panic creeping up on her. She didn't want to cry because that would mean defeat, and she didn't want to give up.
"Bed," she said, barely audible, curling up even further.
"Carry?"
She nodded, vigorously this time, immediately wrapping her arms around his neck when he shifted his position to pick her up. "I'm sorry."
"Shh... It's okay," he replied softly, as he steadied himself with her in his arms. "You did great today, my lioness."
"My dragon."
Once they were in the bedroom, she let him handle everything, from placing her under the blanket to making sure she took her potions before he climbed in next to her, only taking a breath once he pulled her against his body.
"She hates me." His arms wrapped around her, she could no longer hold it back and let all those angry and anxious tears out. "You don't leave friends like that!"
He kissed her forehead. "She is just hurt, and emotional, and she needs time to process everything. It's going to be okay. I'm still here, my lioness..."
"Don't leave, my dragon."
He pulled her tight into his embrace, stroking gently over her back in soothing patterns. "Never."