Carolyn

My fear was not of death itself, but a death without meaning ― Huey P. Newton

Carolyn looked up as David's girlfriend slipped into her hotel room, precisely punctual as she'd promised.

"Thank you for coming."

Pip just snorted and rolled her eyes. "It wasn't like I had much of a choice. You realise you're tearing him apart, don't you?"

Yes, she knew. It had been hard enough to ask David for help in the first place, but after over a year of living with ALS, it had seemed like the only option. Until the unlikely arrangement with his girlfriend had presented itself, that was.

"I didn't think I had a choice either," she offered, hating how her hand shook as she took a sip of water. She could see Pip's eyes tracking the glass, as if ready to dart forward and catch it, and debated testing the girl's reflexes.

"Don't."

Her eyes shot up to meet Pip's and Carolyn nearly dropped the glass anyway out of shock, immediately regretting her momentary impulse. The hardness in those hazel eyes was staggering and more than a little scary. Pip wasn't a girl by any means, but a grown woman, one who had seen more of the world than she had ever hoped to. She was forged by war and battle, and not one to toy with. She wondered if David knew what a dangerous creature he'd fallen in love with.

"Not entirely."

The response made Carolyn realise she'd voiced the last of that thought aloud. "Sorry," she muttered, concentrating on putting the glass down without spilling it. The shakes got worse and water started to slop over the edge, despite her best efforts. Warm, steady hands covered her own and rescued the glass before it could slip out of her grasp and smash on the floor. "Thank you. I appreciate what you're doing for me."

"You keep saying that," Pip noted, "but make no mistake, I'm not doing it for you. I made a promise to myself that I would be his shield, as he is mine. I'm doing it for him."

Carolyn nodded. "I understand."

"Do you? I'm not so sure."

"Don't forget, I was married to him once," retorted Carolyn, starting to get annoyed. Marriage was a partnership, teamwork. She understood what it meant to protect the one you love.

"But you and I are very different people."

Yes, that was quite evident. "So, tell me." Carolyn smiled ruefully. "It's not like I can give away any of your secrets when I'm dead."

"Tell me," Carolyn repeated, patting the bed beside her when Pip didn't move. "Tell me everything."

"Ha!" barked Pip, handing back the extra key Carolyn had given her when they'd agreed to their little arrangement. "We don't have nearly enough time for that, but I can give you the short version." She sat, turning slightly so they were facing each other.

"I grew up in New York, fostered from the age of ten after my parents died in the crossfire of a random drive by. I spent some time in a kids home too, once we'd all realised I was never going to be adopted. I joined the Marines as a sniper, then the CIA as wet-work operator overseas."

"Wet work?" queried Carolyn, although she thought she might know.

"Assassination," replied Pip casually, as if discussing the weather. "It's often…messy; although I specialised in long-distance shots, I have considerable close-combat knife skills and have used them to eliminate people when necessary."

Carolyn nodded, trying not to look too dubious. Pip wasn't particularly tall or well built, it seemed unbelievable that she'd be able to do the things she said. She watched as Pip reached into her shirt.

"Here," she said, offering a blade that she'd drawn from somewhere beneath her clothing hilt first. "I carry two, the other is at the small of my back. I used to carry it at my side, but I got shot in the vest over the summer and decided I'd be better off moving it."

The knife was incredibly sharp, Carolyn could see that without testing the edge. Given how much she tended to shake, doing so would probably chop off a finger. It balanced nicely in her hand, despite her weak grip. It felt…powerful somehow.

"Now imagine you have one in each hand," said Pip softly. "Just you and them between someone who needs to be removed. The blade is an extension of your arm, your will made form."

Carolyn was nodding; she could almost feel it, the power, the draw of such a deadly weapon. The blade wavered as she struggled to keep her hand steady, but it seemed as though the tip was merely dancing in the air, responding to her rather than fighting against her.

"I love my gun, don't get me wrong," added Pip, "but there's something visceral about a knife fight, something that taps into the primitive consciousness. If you're that way inclined, or well-trained, you can call on that primitive side of you at will, use it to get the job done."

"Which are you?" Carolyn asked, handing the knife back.

Pip just smiled coldly. "Both."

The look on her face made Carolyn shudder. She tried to conceal it under the shakes, but she was fairly sure Pip could see through it.

"I've done…terrible things," whispered Pip. "Many times. Things that would probably get me hunted down by Dave and the team if they knew, but they'd never know the whole story. I was under orders, mostly, and what I did was necessary. I even enjoyed it, in a perverse kind of way, because I was so damn good at it. I still hate myself for that. I can slip into this kind of detached personality that takes satisfaction in a job well done, no matter how…bloody it is."

"If you were so good, why did you leave?" asked Carolyn curiously. As awful as it sounded, what had made her give it up to join the FBI?

"I was betrayed." Pip stood and started pacing the small room. "Someone tried to use me, tried to get me to kill innocents to cover up a crime." She bared her teeth in a snarl. "I didn't like that. I rescued them instead, and together we started a company, a company that would eventually become Global Security Industries." Pip smiled at Carolyn's indrawn breath. "It wasn't meant to get quite so big, but someone had to control all those rogue mercenary outfits." She shrugged. "Boardroom takeovers are incredibly effective when you have the right leverage."

Everyone knew GSI. Even though she'd never been interested in that kind of thing, Carolyn was aware they were known for being reliable and efficient.

"I tried joining the FBI to use my talent for death in a less destructive way, but it all came back and bit me on the ass anyway. My fiancé died in a shootout in Chicago, and my unborn baby. I lost my team, my focus, my everything. Until I met Dave. Then I had it all ripped away again, thrown back into the melting pot. They knew, you see. They knew they could get me to do anything if they threatened him. My former superiors in the CIA knew exactly which buttons to push, and off I went, only to be betrayed once more."

Pip barked a bitter laugh. "I have no idea how I'm even still alive. And now…now, something is coming. Again. I don't know what, and that scares the shit outta me. Occasionally, I think I'm being followed. It's subtle enough that I could just be paranoid, but I don't think so. I've spent over twenty years honing my instincts, and I'm rarely wrong about that kind of thing. I think the whole BAU team is in danger, but I can't explain why. Something…" She shook her head. "There was something about…about Chicago. We had to go back there in summer, and something niggles at me…was it something I saw, something I heard?" Pip sighed and shook her head again. "I don't know. Maybe I am just paranoid."

"Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you," offered Carolyn with a smile. "Or so I hear."

Pip looked at her and chuckled a little. "Yeah." She plonked herself back down on the bed.

"Have you mentioned your suspicions to David?" It seemed logical she had, considering how close the two of them were. Carolyn was surprised when Pip shook her head. "Why not?"

"He hasn't spoken to me properly since the night you came over for dinner," Pip admitted with a shrug. "I tried, but I didn't exactly pick the best time. He was…preoccupied with other things and yelled at me to go away."

"You mean me, don't you?" asked Carolyn with a sinking feeling. Of course she did. Considering how close and in love they were, there were very few things that could cause such a rift.

Pip didn't bother answering, and in retrospect, Carolyn realised it had been a rather silly question. "I am sorry," she offered.

"Yeah, I know," said Pip heavily. "It's a shitty situation all round. While I can't forgive you for the pain you've caused him over this, I respect your desire to go out on your own terms rather than waste away. I'd want the same thing, although I'd probably use different means."

Pip's cell chirped from a pocket. "He's left the Bureau," she said with a glance in Carolyn's direction after checking it. "If we're doing this, we have to get going or he's going to turn up while I'm still feeding you pills, and all hell will break loose."

Carolyn gestured towards the nightstand. "Valium and Vicodin are both in the drawer. I had them refilled yesterday, to make sure there'd be enough."

"Are you sure?" Pip asked. "There's no going back, unless you fancy a stomach pump. I don't recommend it, it isn't fun."

That sounded like she had personal experience.

Carolyn nodded. "I'm sure."

"You got any booze? Vodka ideally, the alcohol will help speed things up and prevent him doing something heroic like calling 911 and ruining our hard work."

She hadn't thought of that and shook her head. Pip smiled and pulled a half pint bottle out of her bag.

"You came prepared," Carolyn said with a chuckle. "I like that."

"Saves money on the minibar, right?" said Pip with a smile. "You know, those minis are like, $8 a go and there's barely a mouthful in each one."

"At least I won't get a hangover this time." They laughed together.

"I've never met anyone who knew they were so close to death and was so calm about it," commented Pip. "In my experience, there's a lot of screaming and pleading and frantic scrambling to get away."

Carolyn cracked the seal on the vodka and thought about that while Pip emptied the glass of water down the bathroom sink. Those people Pip was talking about hadn't wanted to die, had no suffering to ease. She felt safe, as daft as that might sound. She was going to die, yes, but didn't everyone? Pip would usher her gently towards the abyss and David would be there to hold her as she fell over the edge. What more could she ask for? The disease was progressing in leaps and bounds, it seemed unimaginable that she'd been able to eat dinner without assistance only a week or so previously. Yesterday she'd barely made it to the bathroom without soiling herself, her legs refusing to cooperate. If David's case had run any longer…well, that just didn't bear thinking about.

Carolyn gazed at the bottle held loosely in her hand. She'd never particularly enjoyed drinking and tended to stick with wine when she did fancy something. Hard spirits were way out of her comfort zone. It felt heavy, perhaps not just with the weight of alcohol and glass but the implications of it too. Pip was right, there was no going back once they started, so she might as well make a start.

"Bottoms up," she murmured to herself, and for probably the first time in her life, took a sip directly from the bottle, wincing as the rim clacked against her teeth. The liquor burned on the way down and the aftertaste left something to be desired, but it wasn't that bad.

"I think I'm so calm because I know I'm in good hands," said Carolyn when Pip returned. "I know you'll make sure you've done everything to ensure it's painless, and I know David will be with me for the final moments. I couldn't ask for much more than that. If only we were all granted such peace at the end."

"I think, if circumstances were different, we would have been good friends," Pip offered, handing her the first round of pills and taking the bottle to pour a little in the glass.

"For a little while, we can be," offered Carolyn kindly. "I can't think of anyone more suited to ease me through this compassionately – isn't that what friends do?"

Carolyn swallowed the pills with a sip of vodka from the glass, helped by Pip. The pills got stuck in her throat and Pip had to thump her back to clear her airway.

"No choking," said Pip sternly. "It's neither painless or peaceful."

Carolyn managed a chuckle. That Pip would be so concerned about how she died seemed so comical, in the circumstances.

"What are you going to do?" she managed, once the pills had gone down. She nodded to indicate she was ready for the next batch. "Once you leave here, I mean. This is a risk for you isn't it? I've watched you wipe down every surface you've touched so you don't leave fingerprints, but there's still a chance…"

Pip nodded, indicating Carolyn should keep drinking as she shook out the next dose. "Yes, but I've made arrangements to take a…contract out of the country once we're done. Columbia. If anyone questions whether it was suicide, I won't be around to be caught. By the time the job's done…well, I'll know whether it's safe to come home or not. I have enough documentation in a variety of names and nationalities to stay under the radar if necessary."

The second handful of pills went down much easier than the first. "And what about David?"

"Less he knows, the better for both of us, don't you think?" Pip cocked her head. "Plausible deniability is his best defence and I can steer any questions the cops might have. Don't worry, he won't get hit by any of the fallout." She let out a bitter snort as she handed over the next round. "He always knew we'd cook up some scheme together, I doubt he had this in mind."

"No, but I could tell him. I might have time for a death bed confession." Carolyn smirked as she swallowed. "I could even make it Oscar-worthy."

"Do that, and I'll step out of the bathroom while he's still here and tell him this was all your idea and that you forced my hand. Which, by the way, isn't untrue. You knew I'd say yes when you asked, just to spare him the pain of it."

Carolyn flushed a little as she swallowed the next set of pills Pip gave her, although that could have been cocktail of drugs and alcohol starting to rush through her bloodstream, and didn't try to object. Pip was right, and had been angry about her insistence that David remain oblivious to their plans.

"Does he know what lengths you'd go to, to protect him?" she asked, already sure she knew the answer.

Pip smiled, as if she knew the question was nigh-on rhetorical. "No. I offered once. I gave him a business card for the parent company of GSI, told him to go and get answers to the questions he dare not ask me. As far as I know, he never went. I can't decide if that's because he doesn't think it matters, or if he genuinely doesn't want to know."

There was pain in her tone, Carolyn was sure. That David hadn't taken up the offer seemed a little odd; of anyone she'd met, he had the most serious case of terminal curiosity she'd ever seen.

"Has he asked you to marry him yet?" she asked and regretted it as Pip flinched. "I take that as a no, then."

"No. I'm not sure that's a good idea anyway until he knows everything about what I am. He may not like what he finds."

Pip seemed resigned to that, as if she expected some day for David to pull away in disgust. The next swallow of vodka spilled over her chin and Pip was quick to dab it dry with a bit of toilet roll.

"Can't have you answering the door with dribble on your shirt. That's hardly dignified, is it?" She put the glass to one side, after a quick glance at her watch and eyeing the level of the bottle. "I think that's enough of that, otherwise you'll doze off before he gets here."

She padded into the bathroom, washed the glass out and wiped the bottle clean of her prints. She carried it back to the bedroom wrapped in her sweater and knelt in front of Carolyn sat on the edge of the bed.

"You right-handed? Sorry I should have asked before."

Carolyn nodded and watched as the bottle was carefully positioned under her right hand several times, just firmly enough to leave prints should anyone care to look, then placed on the desk out of the way.

"Rinse and spit," ordered Pip, holding out the glass. "We don't want him to smell the booze on you."

Carolyn obediently took a mouthful and swilled it around before spitting back in the glass. The glass then got the same treatment as the bottle before being refilled with water.

"I'll hold your hand around the glass, I can't touch it anymore," said Pip, carefully carrying the glass with her sweater around her hand. "You tell me where it's going, and I'll direct it."

She thought of everything, didn't she? Carolyn marvelled at the meticulous attention to detail as she kept swallowing pills with sips of water.

Pip glanced at her watch. "He won't have rushed, because he's dreading telling you he can't do it. We've got about 10 minutes, give or take." She gathered up her bag, wiped every surface she'd touched since the last time she wiped down and put her belongings in the bathroom.

She huffed. "What do we do if he needs the john while I'm hiding in here like a secret lover?"

Carolyn chuckled. "Would you rather hide in the wardrobe?" She laughed harder as Pip opened the wardrobe in question as if seriously considering it. "Jeez, just decide. The roads are paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision."

That had them both laughing again, and for a moment Carolyn felt giddy with it. To be laughing when only minutes from death, how wonderful! She even managed the last handful of pills without help, so potent was the euphoria. Or was that the drugs?

"Thank you," she said again. "I mean it, this has been…fun, in a weird sort of way."

"You're welcome," replied Pip with a smile, industriously wiping down the wardrobe door. "I need to thank you, too. To see someone so at ease with everything at the end…that's a first for me, and a valuable lesson. I won't forget that. Or you."

They were both startled by a knock on the door.

"Unless you ordered room service, he drove quicker than I thought," hissed Pip, "Goodbye, Carolyn. I'm glad we met."

"Me too." She meant that wholeheartedly, and for a moment wished she hadn't taken all her pills, just to have time to get to know Pip a little better. Pip nodded before darting into the bathroom and pulling the door almost shut.

David looked tired when she opened the door and Carolyn couldn't resist the urge to hug him, to offer him some comfort before it was too late.

"You look like hell," she commented, shuffling her feet as she moved away to cover the stifled snort of amusement from the bathroom. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

No, he never did. That was part of the problem, wasn't it? Although she had a feeling Pip was starting to cure him of that. "You can't save everyone, David. You know that." Not that it stopped him trying, of course.

"I lost you once. I don't want to lose you again."

"You have to let me go," she said, turning away, legs unsteady. You don't have a choice, she wanted to scream. I'm dying already, all I've done is speed it up a bit.

"I can't. Life is worth fighting for."

Carolyn nearly laughed, but found her lungs somehow slowing without being told to. It was starting, and if he kept prevaricating and beating himself up, she was going to just keel over on the carpet in front of him. That wasn't quite the dignified exit she'd been hoping for.

"Fight how? Fighting for what? For what? Look at me." Carolyn sat down before she fell down. "Pretty soon I'm not even gonna be able to walk." Let's not mention the almost-accident the other day, huh? "I want to go out as I am, as I've lived, not…not who I'm going to become."

"I can't help you," he admitted, as if she didn't know that already. "What you're asking, I can't."

She smiled. "I know. I knew you never could. You spout all that profiling talk, but, really, the best way to get to know someone is to marry them." It worked both ways, she wanted to say. The best way to properly know that pretty little spitfire you've found is to marry her before she gets away, but bringing up Pip in the circumstances would only arouse his suspicious nature. "You are the best man I've ever known. That's why I wanted you to be with me tonight."

His face fell, the almost smile vanishing as it seemed to dawn on him that something wasn't right and he caught sight of the empty pill bottle from the nightstand where Pip had put it only minutes before. "What have you done?" he asked, a little desperately, jumping up to grab it.

"Oh. Oh, shh. Just come sit. It won't be long now."

Of course, David had to try and rush to her rescue, grabbing his cell to call an ambulance.

"No. Don't," she said as firmly as she was able, using the last of her fading strength to reach up to him. "They won't get here in time." Pip had made sure of that, timing everything to perfection. What a resourceful woman she was. Carolyn could already feel herself starting to drift away, just like she'd hoped.

"Please. I have to try." Tears were already forming in his eyes as he realised what she'd done, that it was already too late. That she'd had help didn't occur to him, and perhaps, as Pip said, that was for the best.

"No, don't! Don't." Why didn't he understand? "Don't let me die in a hospital. David... Please." Finally, he settled on the bed beside her and took her in his arms like she wanted. "It's fast. It's fast. I'm already tired."

Carolyn curled up in the safety of his arms, her head on his chest just like she used to when they were young and everything was simple.

"Do you th- do you think he'll be there?" Poor little James had only lived a few hours, the son they'd so desperately wanted.

"I know he will."

Carolyn managed to raise her eyes one last time to meet the hazel ones watching from the bathroom. Pip nodded in respect and Carolyn let herself slip away to the sound of David's breathing, comforted by the smell of his aftershave and his strong arms wrapped around her.