Bonny hated herself for the fact that not even three weeks after she'd broken her friend's heart, she had to beg for a place to stay. She knew the brunette couldn't bring herself to disallow Bonny, but it would be begrudgingly. She didn't want things to go the way they did, it just happened that way. It's not like she could've done anything.
When she told Chris about what happened, he was given a long time to think it over. She couldn't believe that he'd come to the conclusion it'd be best they split. She was still very much in love with the man. But, she took it on the chin, and understood his decision. Things probably wouldn't go as well as they'd both hoped at the start.
She began packing her things after their talk. She looked into places she could go, but rent was too steep, and she was using her savings for other things. She'd been slaving away at an apology song to both Chris and Freddi.
To Freddi, for her deceit. For intentionally lying to the brunette just to maybe hold on to her best friend, even though she was suffering.
To Chris, for her anger. For how she'd lash out at him when she didn't need to, and how she couldn't calmly come to a conclusion with his guidance.
And technically to herself, as well. To apologise for all the shit she'd put herself through, and to tell herself that maybe she could make amends. Now that song was only for one person: Freddi. She hated that somewhat, because she had to completely rework the lyrics, and maybe a few of the guitar riffs to make it a more fitting tone for her friend. Maybe she should completely redo the song on an acoustic, now that she thought about it.
She shook that thought from her head, and focused on the phone call she had to make. She dreaded the conversation, given the poor girl had just been fucked over by her. Her finger hovered over the call button with slight hesitation, but she eventually got up the courage to just push the damn button.
Her forehead was damp, knowing that things could end up going poorly, but she hoped against all odds that she'd be understanding.
Freddi picked up, and said with a stuffed nose: "If you're calling to apologise again, I got it, already."
"N-no, that's not it..."
"Well then, what is it?"
"The whole marriage thing with me and Chris? Yeah, that's uh— that's not happening anymore..."
"Bonny, I'm so sorry," Freddi said in honestly one of the most genuine times Bonny had heard. "Are you calling cause you need a place to stay? Because if so, I'm totally fine with it."
"I can't pay much in the way of rent..."
"I've been holding out fine with rent. You worry about being able to buy food for yourself, I can take care of rent and that kind of stuff."
"You're such an amazing friend, and I hope you know that. After all the shit that happened, you have a kind enough heart to open your doors to me. I can't thank you enough."
"There's no need to thank me. I'm just being a friend. Doing my best to be there when you need me."
"Still, thanks. I'll be over in a little bit."
"Alright."
Bonny finished packing. There hadn't been much left, but she made a slower process of it because she was still so uncertain. Freddi said everything was okay, but Bonny got the feeling she was only allowed to do it because Freddi knew what it was like to be so hurt. She tried not to think about that, but she didn't realise how much Freddi could probably empathise with her.
She brushed off the thought, and stepped outside. She threw her things in the trunk of her car and quickly went around to get in. She was just about ready to get out of this place. It'd been the better part of a week since Chris had made his choice, but she had been on lookout for a place the whole time, to no avail. Nowhere could fit within the budget she had, especially since she'd already set aside money to rent out a studio for help with the song.
When she finally arrived, Freddi attempted to come out in pyjamas in order to help Bonny with her bags, but the musician had to refuse.
"Freddi, you look tired and sick. Go lay down and rest," she insisted. "But, before you do that, I really don't think I can say sorry enough for what happened. I was such a bitch because I was on edge, and I didn't mean to make you feel the way that you did."
"I understand," Freddi replies with a half-stuffed nose, "I said a lot of shit I didn't really mean, I was just angry because nothing had been going my way for so long, and to have the one thing good that'd happened to me that week reduced to nothing, that didn't feel good. I guess I have the memories of the moments to hold onto, even if it was totally meaningless."
"I guess that's one way to look at it. Anyways, get some rest and feel better. I can take care of my bags and shit, don't you worry about a thing."
Bonny worried about her best friend, still feeling as though she hadn't apologised enough. Saying 'I'm sorry' a billion times in a row wouldn't get across her point that she felt utterly dreadful for what she'd done. But alas, she pushed forth, and got unpacked fairly quickly. No more than around forty-five minutes just to get all of her clothes and music stuff together. She looked at the laptop on the desk, and pondered booting it up quickly just to maybe tweak the demo recordings a bit, but refrained.
She stepped out to find Freddi wandering about the house, instead of laying down. She gave the brunette a look, and she shrugged. There was no response, her friend just went back to staring off aimlessly while allowing her feet to obviously take her where they felt like within the house. She wondered if this is how her best friend always lived.
Dinner that night was some left over Chinese food Freddi had on hand, and Bonny detested the taste once she got it in her mouth. Even still, she ate it because there was nothing else besides bread and instant noodles in terms of anything substantial. Begrudgingly so, she ate the leftover Chinese food. She hoped and prayed that Freddi didn't just eat instant noodles every night, because that would've told her that her best friend had truly descended into madness. Giving up on her bodily health and instead opting for the easy way out.
But, there was likely nothing Bonny could do to convince her that she should be more proactive in her diet. Freddi lived her life and Bonny lived hers, and Bonny wasn't going to be the first one to say anything. She'd fucked up her friendship with her anyways, no point in ripping it apart even further.
The weeks went by, and Bonny was able to confirm that Freddi just ate instant noodles and toast for the most part, living off of barely enough sustenance to function. She didn't say anything, but gave Freddi the occasional worried glance whenever the microwave was running. But, they'd each grown accustomed to the other's routines.
Bonny didn't press for what she did, but Freddi only worked about three or four days a week, usually. She could tell the brunette was barely making enough money to keep the lights on, hence why the fridge was always filled with only cheap and easy food. She still had no clue what she did, but that wasn't a worthwhile question. Meanwhile Bonny worked five days a week, and eventually started helping to pay for Freddi's rent and bills and such.
They rarely shared conversations. Freddi always seemed too moody or too tired to carry on any meaningful talk, and Bonny was always busy with something anyways. Some nights they were available to watch a silly comedy movie, or some cheesy romcom on TV. They would always at least crack a smile out of her best friend, but they eventually stopped doing that much. She'd just keep her lips in their neutral position, barely paying attention to the movie.
Bonny couldn't help but wonder what was on her mind, but she couldn't force anything out of her. She'd ask what was wrong, and Freddi would just shake her head or lie and say it was nothing. But Bonny wasn't blind anymore, she could very clearly tell there was something wrong with Freddi. Nothing clicked anymore, not even the silly moments she'd try to give her best friend just to make her show that infectious smile she had. Nothing worked anymore.
One day, Bonny caught her walking out of the office room she had in her house, and couldn't help but wonder what had been in there the whole time. She'd stayed out, but felt an odd draw to it. She watched as Freddi went into her room, shutting the door firmly behind her. Bonny quietly bounced over the wooden floors over to the room, making sure to avoid the creaky spots she'd become warily familiar of. Curiosity overtook her sense in this situation, as she went in knowing there was probably some private things she wasn't supposed to see.
The desk was littered with bills, legal statements, on and on. Freddi was obviously extremely disorganised, but somehow still got it done. Bonny didn't bother looking, not wanting to know how far behind Freddi could possibly be on all payments, but instead searched around a bit more.
She didn't root, per say, she just took quick glances at the cabinets above the desk and the drawers off to the sides. There was nothing particularly interesting there. Staplers, tape, paper, paper clips, and other odd knick-knacks and useful things to keep around. At last she slid out the part of the desk that you would typically rest a keyboard on, finding a book placed squarely in the middle. She looked behind her to the open door to see that Freddi hadn't suddenly walked up behind her, and continued.
She picked up the book, uncertain of what it was. She cracked it open to the first page to find dates and numbers, a table of contents of sorts. Each marked a different date, though a lot were missing. Whole weeks and months missing between each date. She assumed they were scattered amounts of journal entries, being nothing more than some sort of venting chamber for her feelings. She dared to venture further, flipping to a random page, ending up on their first day of high school.
"21 August, 2011,
"High school is already a hellscape for me. There are too many people, and they're all taller than me, and I feel fearful and out of control, and being out of control makes me feel uncomfortable. When I'm constantly uncomfortable, it always feels like I'm on the edge of a panic attack. I feel as though I can't fit in among anyone else. Sure, I have Bonny, but we're gonna fall out just like every friendship does in high school. I'm gonna end up alone at lunch time, eating the slop by myself at a quiet table every day. She'll have a boyfriend and better friends to worry about, she'll fit right in.
"Not to mention, I've started to feel weirder around her. Some sort of queasy nervousness I can't describe properly. I feel myself wanting to move closer, but instead I choose to respect her personal space. I'm sure it would be fine if I laid on her shoulder if I asked, but I'm too afraid to do that much.
"I'm mortified about what life will be like just by the end of this year, much less the end of senior year. That's thinking significantly far ahead, but given how things have gone so far, I'd give it a good seventy-five percent chance that I'm dead before I can accept my diploma. Whether that be by getting trampled in the hallways, or by own volition and purpose, I'll have to see.
"No one here likes me, and I can tell. Just the looks that I get, and the way it feels like they're trying to sear some sort of pattern into my back, I can tell. I'm so afraid."
That was all that was written for the first day of freshman year, so Bonny flipped forward randomly to another page, taking quick glance behind her to make sure Freddi hadn't decided she randomly wanted to pop up. She felt wrong snooping through something so private, but she needed to understand why the hell her friend was feeling the way she was, and do her best to fix it. Her sixteenth birthday was up next.
"23 November, 2013
"It felt weird today, to not even get a short and simple wish of a happy birthday. Sixteen is the first year you can drive, it's such a milestone, and I essentially didn't hear a word about it from Bonny. I can't tell if she didn't care, she forgot, or what have you. I feel like I'm overthinking it, and I've just grown too attached to those happy birthday mantras, but it felt weird regardless.
"She's been going out on more dates, lately. She's done her best to set me up as well, even if nothing's worked out. I think it might be because I've accepted what my feelings around her are. I've accepted that I love her, that I can't get over her, but I just have to hold it inside. I know that she isn't going to feel the same way, we're best friends, not lovers. Why the fuck would she randomly decide she wants to swap saliva with me?
"Even still, I know what my body wants, and it's not a guy. That's not what I need. I need her, I love her. And it's very obvious she doesn't feel quite the same way, to say the least."
Bonny at last decided she'd just skip to the last page with words written on it, cutting to the chase. She needed to figure out what she could do to help her friend out, because she didn't feel comfortable around the brunette when she was like this. She couldn't get the reason out of her, and she had to know what she could do.
"8 July, 2018
"Bonny's already been here a few weeks, and my veil is slowly starting to fade. She's asked me so many times by this point what's wrong, but I figured it would be obvious by now: she's here. Not to say I don't appreciate her, she apologised for everything she said to me, and I honestly believe it was genuine. But it doesn't change how much I hurt when she's here.
"It's not even because of what she said, it's just because she's right there, and she's too perfect. The same way she's been since the beginning of high school, too good of a friend. She always makes me feel good, and that's the problem. She wants to help, and that's the problem. It's hard to let her near my heart when my heart only bears feelings relating to her. My love is all resting upon her shoulders, and she doesn't return it. It's silly to have kept a crush going on for seven years, I know, but she's the only one who's ever made me feel such a way.
"There's too much of an innocent high schooler left in me. Hell, I'd say it's more of middle school me. Just wanting to stick by her and let her do all the talking. Let her protect me while I did things for her in return. The times where we'd just have fun with each others' company. I miss that, and I can't even get it back when I have it now, because I can't appreciate it. My mind always sees it as such a negative thing that she doesn't love me, and it prevails over every thought. What the fuck is happening? What the hell do I do?
"I can't kick her out, she has nowhere to say, and I wouldn't have the heart to even if she did. She's my friend, and I have to put the feelings locked up inside my heart aside to make sure that she doesn't have to deal with my bullshit. It doesn't help that it can sometimes feel like she only comes to me when she needs something, as though this friendship has become one-sided, but I fuel it anyways because she's all I have anymore.
"I fuel something that's so toxic to me because it's the only friendship I've ever had last longer than a few months. And I fell in love with her back when it felt more real, and that love won't go away. It's the thing that keeps me tied to depression ad infinitum. I don't know what I'm to do. What do I even say when she asks me what's wrong? Do I tell the truth? Or would that be too awkward? I don't know anymore."
As Bonny set the book down, she felt a bit guilty for both reading and putting this burden on Freddi. She was such a sweet and gentle soul, she'd never meant to wound her in the way she would. She jumped when the lights flicked on, and a familiar voice rang out passive aggressively.
"Well, guess I can't hide behind my excuses anymore," Freddi said, leaning against the doorframe.
As Bonny spun around to face her friend, her feet were already carrying her that way. She pulled Freddi into a hug, whispering quietly, "I'm sorry, I'm so damn sorry for this shit. I never realised how much it affected you, I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Bonny. I think my only problem with this is the fact that it doesn't feel genuine. You had to read it to figure out what was going on with me."
"I mean, if you had just told me what was on your mind, I would've done the same thing. I care about you more than you know, and I'm so sorry, I never realised what it felt like. I never meant for it to feel one-sided, things just ended up way too hectic. I care about you and think about you all the time, and every time you called I set about a thousand reminders to call you back, and I just— I'm so sorry."
"Bonny, it's fine, honestly. I've lived with it for so long that I'm used to it. I just kinda wish you didn't go through my shit to get here."
"You wouldn't tell me what was going on. I wanted to know what was going on, and what I could do to help. I did it because I care about you, Freddi."
"I understand, and I'm sorry. I should've told you, but I just never wanted to put that on you. It's not your responsibility, and I'm sure it wouldn't take long for me to just get over it. I'm just way too overreactive."
"It is my responsibility, Freddi. I'm your best god damn friend, I'm supposed to be your shoulder to lean on. If you have something to say, I'm supposed to listen and help you out in any way that I can. And I failed to do that, and I feel awful for it. That's why I wanted to write you this— just— c'mere."
Bonny took Freddi by the hand, leading her into the same guest room that she'd made her own for the time being. She picked up the acoustic guitar that had been set on its stand by the closet, and sat Freddi down on the bed next to her. She began strumming lightly, adjusting tunings now and again to make sure everything was correct. She'd wanted to properly record and produce it, but she figured a live performance now would've been better.
After a minute or two, she started playing the riff she'd written and waited for the timing, knowing full well she couldn't sing. Even still, she began.
"I'm so sorry for the way things have been, sleepless nights that never seem to end. And I can't help but wonder in my mind: what's happened after all this time? When I've been away, and you're on your own. I'm sorry, I never meant to leave you all alone."
Freddi was mesmerised by what her friend was doing her, and listened closely as she transitioned to the chorus.
"The night I broke your heart, I never meant to be so cold. So could I ask for a new start? If that's not too bold. I want to make you feel better than you did before. Even if you'll never heal, I'll tend to every sore."
It was bringing tears to the brunette's eyes as she continued to listen as Bonny went on. The lyrics reminded her a bit too much of what had happened on prom night three years ago. She wanted to do everything she could to forget that. But she remained quiet as Bonny went on.
"I'm your best friend, it's just what I do. I sit down at your side until you make it through. Tears at night only you have cried. Was it your heart or soul that died when I told you how I felt? On that night with the damage dealt.
"As time went slowly along, I couldn't help but write this song. To apologise for all the things I've done, and to say that I was wrong."
Freddi was having a hard time holding back her tears. A few spilled over as Bonny began to sing the chorus once again. She forgave the other girl in all aspects, there was nothing she could blame her for. It always just felt like her own fault, and Bonny shouldn't have to carry the weight of that. It wasn't her job.
"And when I came to you in the night so cold, I brought you falsehoods of growing old. I didn't mean the things I said. In the morning we awoke, new tears were shed. And the blood I spilled with the words I spat, I hope you can forgive me for that."
She sung the chorus quietly one last time before finishing it off.
"And at the end of the day, I don't expect you to say you forgive me. You don't have to forgive me."
By the end of it, Bonny looked up to see her best friend staring at the floor, tears dropping quickly and quietly. She pulled her close, trying to comfort the poor brunette. She didn't speak another word, knowing that she'd already done too much by writing that. She assumed she stepped on some sensitive nerves with what she'd put into it.
They stayed there for a few minutes, as Freddi silently cried and Bonny attempted to comfort her. Eventually the brunette calmed down and was able to look up, and form proper sentences.
"You— you didn't have to do that," Freddi said simply. "That was beautiful, despite the fact that it hurt to bring up those repressed memories of prom and what happened a few weeks ago. I just wanted to forget them."
"I imagine so, and I'm sorry I brought those back up to you," Bonny apologised, "but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for fucking everything up. All the times I've just been too busy or given you the same damn excuses for some shit. It's not what a best friend should do, I should care much more about what you're trying to say, and value it as much as possible. After what happened those few weeks ago, I finally understood that I've hurt you more than what's surface-level."
"I accepted your apology without having to have the song. I understood that you didn't mean any of it, and it was a simple mistake. You didn't have to go as far as to write a song about it."
"It's just how I felt. And plus, I wanted to do something special for you after all of that shit. I figured it was time that I did something for you, because you're worth it. That all took a while to put together, but I still hoped you can at least appreciate it."
"I more than appreciate it, I just— I wish you hadn't put forth that much effort."
"You're my best friend, you're worth it, silly."