Thank you so much for all the reviews, follows, favorites, and reads! Much love! :3
Chapter name dedicated to the feeling of stars.
Enjoy! :)
CHAPTER 16 - Diamonds in the Sky
Sakura stares at him, her heart thudding ba dum ba dum ba dum ba dum, the glass between her fingers trembling slightly. "What?"
Itachi holds her gaze, as steady as always. "Is what we are defined as friends?"
And Sakura remembers that Itachi has categories, feels a bit foolish because she hadn't exactly forgotten about it – but it did leave her mind for a bit there.
"You don't think so?" she asks instead, forcing the words out of her throat.
He doesn't budge. "I know that we are friends. But I also think that we are not."
"How so?" she questions and hopes with all her might that this works, that he ends up explaining what they are before she has to, because she has no idea where the hell to even begin. Maybe he has a better shot at it than she does.
"You're not the first friend I've had," he says instead.
"I know that."
"Sakura," he begins to sound uncertain and she immediately feels guilty. Itachi and uncertainity doesn't sit well with her. "I think you're aware of what I'm speaking about. I am not friends with you the way I am friends with Hinata or Temari or any other female friend I've made in my life."
"Who am I like, then?"
He hesitates. "Izumi," he admits. "You're like Izumi."
Sakura wonders if hearts can physically break, despite being a surgeon, despite having held the organ in her very palms, despite knowing that it is an impossibility.
"Right," she blinks and her jaw clenches. "Your ex."
Maybe there is a reason why it was the only long-term relationship Itachi has had, after all.
"Yes," he says. "My ex."
"Right," she repeats, not knowing how to respond to this.
"But," Itachi continues uncertainly and almost shyly, "not really, either."
A rush of something courses through her. She steadies herself. "Yeah?"
"Yes," he answers.
"How am I different?"
Itachi smirks. "She's nearly not as annoying as you are."
Sakura rolls her eyes, the spell between them breaking. She wonders if it was Itachi's purpose, and then wonders why. Maybe he isn't enthusiastic about discussing their vague relation, either. Which leads her to her next conflict.
How long until?
Sakura has no doubt whatsoever that whatever the hell this is that's going on between them will never simply faze out with time. She knows now that things will implode one day, and before that happens, she has to make a decision which side she wants to be on.
The thought of not having Itachi in her life at some point feels strange. Empty. She knows that it's a ridiculous notion because she's lived twenty-five years without the man and she's been just fine.
But would you be satisfied with it if you knew there's something or someone much better out there for you?
No, Sakura decides in an instant. She will not be satisfied to settle for anything less, now that she has gotten a taste of how richer her life became since she moved into 10B. Sakura doesn't think much about her life before 10B, mostly because there was nothing much to think about. She kept herself busy with her work, her career, her medicine, and nothing else. She maintained one friend at the hospital, and two virtual friends – Sai and Shizune. And now, now, Sakura has Sasuke and Naruto and Hinata and Temari and Shikamaru and –
Itachi.
Even if Kakashi and Uncle Obito haven't explicitly expressed anything, Sakura knows that her fathers are glad to see her expanding her social life, her social support system. The incidents of the shooting and the accidental potential bombing have been pivotal in her life. It made her realise that she really does have a support system, something that she has chased her whole life. Something she was unintentionally robbed off while growing up.
It made her realise that she is not a coward. Or maybe, she stopped being a coward. She decides that it doesn't matter because the point is that she is not a coward.
She may not be Hulk, or Iron Man, or Captain America, but she did operate at gunpoint and lived to tell the tale. She did hold a live bomb in her hands and lived to tell the tale. And she will definitely live to tell the tale if –
"How am I different?" she repeats the question, holding his eyes this time, and trying her best to convey that this is not the time to be … them.
Itachi stays silent but stares back with same intensity.
"How am I different?" she asks again, more firmly.
He eventually speaks. "You have pink hair. She has brown."
"Itachi."
"She's taller than you are."
"Itachi."
"She's soft-spoken, and doesn't fight with me on every little thing."
"Itachi –"
"And I don't think about her constantly the way I think about you."
Sakura's jaw snaps shut. There's a beat of silence and the sand between her toes, the stars above her head, the distant lights of the gazebo melt away, and only Itachi stays.
"You've managed to worm your way into my very essence," he continues, his voice deep and serious and Sakura feels it like a warm, familiar, worn-out comforter on a chilly night. "You made me question my life. You made me reconsider everything that I'd been ready to accept. You came into my life, Sakura, and I got reminded that I can be so much more, that I don't have to settle for running a small business, that I don't have to settle for things just because the people around me expected it from me. Expected me to be ordinary because they decided that it was in my best interest. Telling you that I possess a brilliant mind made me remember that I do possess a brilliant mind. You keep addressing me as genius, and I know it's a small thing – not that big of a deal – but it makes me truly happy. You've never been intimidated by me, you've accepted me for the way I am, and you're still sticking around.
"You challenge me, and that is one thing I value more than I can possibly put into words. When you faced life-and-death, not once but twice, I panicked. I was terrified that I'd lose this one person who doesn't mind that I'm arrogant and condescending and cocky and a borderline psychopath perhaps. I was terrified, but I also envied you. You were able to pull off an incredible feat in the face of danger. You were a doctor through and through, Sakura. You were yourself, even if what you were scared you.
"I'm going to go against Danzo because I want to, not because I'm supposed to. You made me realise that what I want does matter, and I can't thank you enough for that.
"You're different than Izumi because, Sakura, you're the woman I want to be with. Not Izumi, not Samui, not anyone else. I don't think of you as a friend because I don't want to be your friend."
Sakura isn't an idiot, despite what Temari keeps saying. She isn't as clueless or useless as Sasuke and Naruto make her out to be when it comes to all non-medicine things. And Hinata may have said that doctors are about having a strong spirit as well, but Sakura thinks that it is yet to be tested.
Itachi doesn't let her look away. She honestly doesn't want to, because the world has narrowed down to him, and speaking with him is the most important thing she'd ever do.
"You're going to leave one day."
"Yes," he says calmly.
"Because you want to see the Large Hadron Collidor and the domes in India. You want to see what the stars have given birth to on our planet."
"Yes."
"I'm not going anywhere, Itachi."
"I'm aware."
She nods, biting her lip, hard. "So that's that, then."
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry, don'tcry, don'tfuckingcry.
"And," she continues, repeating the mantra in her head, scared to be quiet because the quiet feels suddenly terrifying, "Sasuke is here. My job is here. I'm the Chief Resident, you know. One day, I might become an Attendant. And then, hopefully, even the Chief."
"And then?" he asks.
"And then nothing," she says forcefully, and her voice breaks. Before she can stop it, don't cry, don't cry, don'tfuckingcry, godfuckdammit, she's crying. "I'm a surgeon. This is what I do, this is what I want to do. I want to feel dead on my feet after a day of surgeries. I want to have a messy routine. I don't want many holidays, I don't understand what to do with them! I'm not the type of doctor who stays with no money in some underprivileged village to help poor people. I'm not. I like the city, I like to have money, I like an expensive restaurant, and I like a well-equipped hospital, with a well-equipped staff, and I really don't want to operate in a fucking storage room if I can help it."
The tears are freely spilling out, and Sakura feels the need to raise her voice because she can't stay quiet any more, because the quiet feels suddenly terrifying. "And then, there's you – you stupid, foolish, annoying fucking genius who wants an extraordinary life and believes that living like a goddamn hermit is the solution to all your problems!"
"Sakura –"
"No," she says louder still, now angry with him and herself and everything and nothing in particular, all at the same time. "No, you listen to me, Uchiha Itachi. I'm not going to wait around, you hear me? I'm not. I won't. I saw what it did to Kakashi and Uncle Obito. They're still living their life as if something is going to happen, and they'll suddenly know what to do with themselves. I'm not going to be like that.
"You're –" her voice cracks even more, and she clears it roughly. "You're meant to do big things. You're meant to be out there, not within four walls. You're born to fly, and I'm not going to get in the way of that. What I'm going to do is continue to be the doctor. That's what I'm meant to do."
Itachi's face is crumpled in pain and regret, and it's enough to make her cry harder. He doesn't offer her a hug this time, and neither does she. They stay there, with sand between their toes, allowing the terrifying silence of the world to speak for them.
xXx
Lee hasn't changed one bit.
Sakura finds it more amusing than anything else, and the way he constantly keeps complimenting her is rather sweet. The last time they were together in Uncle Gai's house, Sakura was still in college, and Lee had taken pity on her. He used to insist on sight-seeing in that tiny window of time when he'd come for holidays and she'd leave for hers.
This time, it's no different, despite Kakashi and Uncle Obito's presence.
Lee takes her out to the nearby flee market on the day of Christmas Eve, because they have all these beautiful things brimming with youth, Sakura!
The place is packed. Lee holds her hand as they meander through the crowd, stopping by every stall and checking out the items. It seems as though Lee loves to shop, and he would buy the most random of things, too, because who would want to hang a windchime of ugly frogs in their windows?
He even buys a miniature cherry blossom tree inside a glass globe, buried in fake snow.
"For your namesake," he grins, pleased with himself, and hands it to her.
It's quite a paradox, cherry blossom tree blooming in dark winters.
Black hair and black eyes, black fitting shirts –
The night sky sprinkled with millions of stars –
Sakura blinks down at it. It is rather pretty, though. "Thanks, Lee."
He shoots her an odd look for a moment, before pulling her ahead to the next stall.
xXx
They're standing on the roof of the tallest building in Suna in the evening. It's a famous tourist spot; people visit the place because they can see miles and miles of sand surrounding the small city. And Sakura thinks how just yesterday, she was in there somewhere and –
"Let's click a photo!" Lee announces and takes out his phone.
Sakura smiles in the camera as Lee wraps his hand around her shoulder, and pulls her close. He thanks the woman who clicked it for them, and checks the photo. Sakura turns around to face the railing.
She thinks that she hates Suna, a little bit. She first came to the city when she was only fifteen, and met Uncle Gai – the larger than life gym trainer. He became the parent figure for her over the years, as she struggled with adjusting to the age gap between her and the rest of the students. Granted, it was only three years – and three years is nothing in the grand scheme of things – but it meant the world to her when the gap was fifteen and eighteen, the age when you're supposed to transition from a teenager to a young adult and a lot can happen in that gap.
Sakura's college life was lonely at best. It was punctuated with Sasori's rare company when she'd come to Suna, and then she began looking forward to the holidays, when she'd be able to return to Kakashi and Uncle Obito. When she befriended Sai and Shizune and Utakata in pre-med, she struggled with the abrupt social circle she'd managed to spawn for the first time in her life. It didn't last for long, with Utakata leaving to travel, and then they were supposed to go off for their internships, and she'd met Ino.
So yes, Sakura hates Suna – just a little bit. Because not only was she lonely during college, but now it's the city where she broke Itachi's heart. And she wonders how long it will take for it to feel okay.
xXx
After dinner, Kakashi and Uncle Obito find her in the backyard, sitting on the grass, looking up at the stars. Itachi is made of –
"Hey, doll?"
Kakashi and Uncle Obito sit down on either side of her, mirroring her position to gaze up at the sky.
"Everything okay?" Uncle Obito asks carefully.
"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"
A brief pause. Sakura can feel them exchanging a look behind her back.
"You seem a little down," Kakashi tells her.
Down is an understatement. "I'm okay."
"How was the wedding, sweetheart?" Uncle Obito prods softly.
Sakura shrugs. "Like a wedding," she replies emptily. "They dressed up, took vows, exchanged rings, there was cake and dancing, and now they're going to live happily ever after." She thinks she might be sounding a little bitter, but doesn't find it in herself to truly care.
"Anything else happened?" Kakashi asks coolly.
"Sasuke and Naruto finally had their epic romantic moment," Sakura tells them, and despite all the utter shittiness coursing through her very nerves, she cracks a small smile when she remembers it. "Mind you, it was only a dance, but they finally took the plunge."
"That's wonderful," Uncle Obito says with a smile. "I'm glad it worked out for them."
"Yeah, me, too. Things are really changing around here, huh?" she remarks. "Temari and Shika are married, Naruto and Sasuke got together, and I –" she stops abruptly, her eyes stinging with zero warning.
"You, what?" Uncle Obito encourages gently. "Tell us."
"It's nothing," she says thickly. "Nothing at all."
Kakashi tsks. "I didn't raise a bullshitter, doll. Out with it, now, come on."
The stars are innocently blinking back at her. For one absurd moment, Sakura thinks that maybe they are at fault, because if it weren't for them, Itachi would be staying. Of course, that's ridiculous, downright unreasonable, and she thinks that a heartbreak should not warrant a vengeance of epic proportions.
Stars are gates to the past, Itachi had once said. They're millions of light years away. By the time we can see them, the moment has already passed. The stars could be dying this very second, for all we know.
Of course, Sakura had known that. But she let him speak because he said it well, and she didn't mind listening to his voice. Sakura thinks how everytime she sees the stars now, she's in the past herself, on the roof, when Itachi said we're made of –
Stop.
"Have you never been in love?" she asks instead.
Another brief moment of silence. "Why do you ask?" Kakashi says.
"Because you're still single."
"I'm okay with it," he answers slowly.
"How?" She blinks rapidly. "Have you never met someone who is just so overwhelming that you can't breathe? That it hurts just to think of them? And that's a big fucking problem, you see, because you can't not think of them. They're there, constantly, filling my mind with all the annoying words and the irritating habits and sounding like a pompous ass. Even now, all I can think about is how he loved to say he's a CEO, and then it's all about how he wants to leave and get away, as if it means nothing. In a few months or any day now, he'll just pack his bags and leave. He always tells me I'm such a hypocrite, and as always, he's right."
"You're not a hypocrite, sweetheart," Uncle Obito says patiently.
"But I am," Sakura insists. "I want him to follow his dreams, and I'm also angry at him for doing it. I know that he doesn't want to stay here, he feels suffocated, but I don't want him to leave, either. I want to be able to see him, eat with him, and watch movies with him, and I know that's very selfish of me, but I want an ordinary life, Dad. I've always wanted one, and I feel like I can't catch a fucking break!"
Sakura buries her face in her hands, unable to stop the tears. She feels Kakashi's arms around her, and she leans into his solid chest, clutching at his sweater. Uncle Obito strokes her hair.
"Why would you want an ordinary life," Kakashi says softly, "when you're born to be extraordinary?"
A/N: I know, I know. Stick with me, though. 4 chapters to go. Please review! :)