The Vulnerability Collection

by Lifeshandful

A collection of vulnerabilities.

3. Gone Insane

Gone Insane – Clay Spenser

There was a lightness that lingered in the air as Mandy walked into the room coming up behind Jason and she placed her hand on his back as he observed from the side. "What are you thinking about there? And don't even try to deny it because I can literally see the cogs turning." She asked softly as she smiled at the scene in front of her.

Jason smiled as a small chuckle escaped his lips before he turned to look at Mandy for the briefest of seconds before his eyes landed on the youngest member of the team whose idea it had been. "I thought he had gone insane when he suggested this."

Mandy knew that Jason's reaction had not been one of distinct pleasure at the time of the suggestion. "I think we were all there with you." She kept her voice light as the happiness she felt was on display. "But..." She prompted as she leaned into his side a little closer.

"The kid still manages to surprise me." Jason answered as he cringed at how dumbfounded he must have looked when Clay had presented his case that seeing they had a day off while on a Gucci deployment while stationed in the Bahamas that they should give something back to the country that was graciously hosting them and that he had found an orphanage they could visit. Clay's argument was mainly based around the fact that the children in the orphanage would enjoy being visited as they did not get undivided attention or have someone to play with nor was it likely that they had many toys if any either. Clay used every trick in his repertoire, puppy eyes and all, and really who could say no to the kid's impassioned plea (guilt trip), well the answer was none of them, not a single one of them could, not even Mandy and Lisa. "It scares me how much he knows about these places, and how natural he seems to fit in, knows just what the kids need and want."

Mandy inhaled sharply as she had picked up on the same thing but she had kind of hoped that Jason had not but it was most likely that the rest of the team had if the looks that they kept stealing towards Clay were anything to go by. The truth was no one really knew much about Clay's childhood, and none of them tried to pry as they sensed it was painful for him as he never openly shared anything and even if he did let anything slip then it was quickly swept aside with a change of subject or some sort of redirection. "I don't think he will ever stop surprising us Jason." She paused as she considered how to respond to the next part. "You know he was right about coming here, doing something productive, and being good for the soul as he put it. What scares you is that he doesn't talk about his childhood or any of his past really, and you are worried how today is going to affect him once we leave and he is not caught up in the moment." Jason grunted hating Mandy's observational skills especially when she pinpointed what was going on his brain. "You know if you ever decide that you need to know for his sake then I will do whatever I can to find everything that I can." It was not an offer that she made lightly nor would she make it again but it would remain open to acceptance forever.

Jason nodded as he focused on Clay who was currently sat on the floor surrounded by at least ten children who ranged in age from eight months to five years and a few small toys as he was right about there being very few toys for the large number of kids. Clay was smiling broadly as the children demanded to be picked up and lifted over his head with all the sounds of rocket ships, planes, helicopters, and wind tunnels that he could make accompanying them as they giggled freely and uninhibited.

Jason let his eyes linger on Clay for a few minutes longer before he looked around the large open plan room and out to the grounds behind as he continuously kept tabs on the rest of his team, his family. Lisa was sitting with three young girls who were most probably between the ages of four and seven at a kiddie table colouring pictures on scraps of paper with the stubs that were left of the crayons. Ray had a boy, who could have been no more than eighteen months old, cradled in his arms asleep and it was obvious that the man was thinking about his own children. Brock was sitting down in the grass with Cerb laid only a few feet away enjoying all of the gentle pats and belly rubs he was getting. Trent was talking to one of the orphanage caregivers although he had a baby boy who was at most six months cradled against his chest. And Sonny, well Sonny was continuously glancing over at Clay with a look that Jason had only seen a few times but he knew the man was worried even as he helped build block towers with some of the other children although the blocks were not like the usual plastic ones that children would have instead they were clearly smoothed out pieces of debris that someone had taken the time to smooth and shape.

Clay smiled widely as he finished the last flight and settled the smallest child that had gravitated with the group on his lap letting little eight month old Jalen rest back against his chest as his little chubby hands held onto his thumb of the hand that was holding him still. He looked around at the children who were sitting in a circle around him watching as they played with the few toys that they had sharing freely. He looked down at Jalen seeing the gummy smile that graced his little face and he was suddenly transported back seventeen or so years ago when he was an awkward pre-teen and it had been one of the first times he had been to an orphanage as he held a young baby boy that had very similar features to Jalen after he had been tossed into his arms by the caregiver who was outnumbered thirty to one at the time.

A small tug on Clay's hand bought him out of his revelry as he realised that little Charo who was five years old was trying to gain his attention. The little girl was scrawny for her age which was most often due to the lack of food and health care that children like her received in orphanages although the conditions were not as deplorable as Clay had seen before. "What is it sweetheart?" He asked as she smiled down at her.

Charo, the girl whose name loosely translated to Rose, blinked a few times before she smiled shyly at him. "Could you tell us a story please?" She asked with her voice barely above a whisper as her cheeks flushed pink. Clay looked around all of the children to see them nodding at her request as he had noted upon their tour that there were no books that were suitable for children around.

"Oh, yeah, well, okay… Just let me think of one." Clay stammered slightly as he glanced around the room trying to think of a story that was child appropriate but it was harder than he thought it would be. Clay drew his bottom lip in between his teeth and chewed down on it for a few seconds until he thought of something as he caught sight of Jason silently observing the immediate environment.

Mandy smiled softly as she left her hand on Jason's back even as she turned to look over her shoulder as the sound of small footsteps from behind her had her attention. "Who is this Laurette?" Mandy asked as she watched the little boy hold Laurette's hand as she led him down the hall towards them. What struck Mandy was that the little boy only had one arm but it looked like the amputation had been performed crudely given the stump that he had been left with. Laurette was one of the senior caregivers who they had been introduced to when they had first arrived.

Laurette smiled as she looked at the American men and women who had taken fondly to the children just as the children had to them, and more importantly who had chosen to spend some time at their underprivileged facility. There was not always a lot to smile about for the children that she cared for more often than she cared to admit given all of the hardships they went through on a daily basis. Laurette looked down at the stumbling toddler who she was particularly fond of mainly because of his history. "This is Alejandro, he is two and a half, and he only came to us six months ago. Alejandro, this is Miss Mandy." Laurette made introductions watching as the little boy shook his hand free of hers then stumbled his way over to Mandy who immediately crouched down and scooped him up as she did not want him to fall.

"Hi Alejandro." Mandy saw Jason turn back to look at her but she had to admit that the big chocolate brown eyes had her attention as there was something unexplainable about them, about the way they pulled her in. "What's his story?" Mandy asked quietly having hesitated for a few seconds before she did so.

Laurette closed her eyes and blew out a breath before she looked back at Mandy as she reached out and ran her fingers through his hair to push it back off his forehead as the ends needed a trim as they hung over his eyes. "A officer of the law bought him here to keep him safe before the hospital could discharge him." She began wishing the little boy had not been through such a traumatic experience. "He was taken from his mother because of his father's actions as he fell on the bad side on the rebel faction. They sent his arm to his parents as a warning before they abandoned him at the hospital when he became to sick to keep alive on their own." She kept the details light mainly for Alejandro's sake as he did not recall much of what had gone on due to the infection he had developed.

Mandy felt herself shudder at the mere thought of the small boy having been through so much in his short lifetime but the fact that he had survived just showed his strength. "Mind if I hold him for a while?" She did not consider herself a maternal woman but there was something about this child that had her wanting to hold him for a little longer.

Laurette smiled and nodded. "I wanted you to meet him." She patted Mandy's forearm before she stepped away as she needed to attend to some things and while the young children were entertained and supervised, it was the ideal time.

Mandy turned back around and placed her hand back on Jason's back even as she paid all of her attention to the boy who was content in her arms.

Sonny wished that they could have spent their day in some dark bar but he knew how much this meant to Clay even if he did not know why. And if he was being honest, he did not want to be around so many children, as it was too soon especially after Benji and the devastation that they had been unable to stop the young boy from going through with the loss of his parents which is why Sonny moved away, had found an empty crate, flipped it over and sat down on it in the corner of the room. However he could not keep his eyes off his youngest brother, could not keep the worry that he felt from breaching the surface, and could not stop himself from cataloguing every expression that crossed Clay's face as he tried to work out why blondie had been so set on visiting the orphanage that he had found out about.

SEAL TEAM

Clay had the children caught up in excitement as he weaved a tale about how everyday people became superheroes, and he had used everyone in his team as characters as they were his inspiration. He smiled widely as the little kids smiled and giggled as he made Sonny's antics safe for small ears to hear although there were very few of his antics that he could make safe for them to hear and they required a fair amount of exaggeration on his part.

Clay could vividly recall the hours that he would spend when he was younger especially during the rainy season at the local orphanage reading several chapters of whatever novel he had managed to get his hands on to the kids that gathered around to listen to him. It was partly how he learned languages as sometimes the only books he could get would be in different languages which he had to translate and speak.

There were so many memories that Clay had locked away in the deep recesses of his mind as they caused him a physical pain that he could not bare to go through from when he was young. There was so much that he did not talk about, and it was not because he did not want to but because he physically could not as every time he tried the words would get stuck in his throat as it restricted painfully and left him floundering.

Truthfully Clay could not tell anyone why he had pushed so hard for the team to visit the local orphanage on their rare day off while deployed but he did not know why himself but he had and he was glad that he had even if it meant feeling a little bit more exposed than he usually allowed himself too.

Clay let his eyes gaze around the room to see everyone interacting with the small children with the exception of Sonny who seemed to be sitting sullenly in the corner chewing aggressively on the toothpick that was between his lips. He sighed softly as for the first time in the day he suddenly was doubting his idea as he knew how hard Sonny had taken having to hand Benji over to his grandparents although the resolute Texan had put up one hell of a tough façade. Before he could think anymore about Sonny and his behaviour, Jalen wriggled in his arms as he reached out for the soft ball that was similar to a hacky sack that had lost most of its filling. Without a second thought, he reached forward and picked up the ball before giving it to the boy in his lap as he manoeuvred himself until he could reach out and interact with the other children and play with the toys with them.

SEAL TEAM

Lisa found herself searching for Clay as she walked throughout the orphanage having left the girls colouring as he had wondered off almost an hour ago with Jalen who was fighting falling asleep in his lap even while he had continued to entertain the other kids. Lisa wondered if it had been to much and he had taken a breather that had lasted longer than he had intended it to once he had put Jalen down. She had questions, questions that she knew the others had to, but none of them had asked as they did not want to push him and make him shut down.

Lisa looked around the halls that had several large rooms off of each of them that were filled with several bunk bed three high as she walked quietly along the eerie halls. It was hard to believe and see how many children lived in this orphanage, and she knew that they had not even seen most of them as they had only met a few of the younger children.

Lisa stopped at the doorway as she spotted Clay in a room but instead of being filled with bunk beds this one was filled with rows of cribs that were all filled, and there were two women who were attending to the babies that were in the cribs as they needed. She watched as Clay had his arm rested on the top rail of the wooden crib while his other arm was outstretched with his hand rubbing lightly across the baby's stomach and for the distance she could see it was a baby girl who looked no more than a few weeks old before she spotted Jalen asleep in the crib beside. Lisa blew out a breath as the overwhelming realisation sunk in that Clay knew what he was doing because he had done it before, most likely many times before.

Lisa stayed where she was for a few minutes longer knowing that they had to get going as night would be upon them before long and they needed to prepare for a night training exercise as they were teaching Bahamian forces how to track whether it was day or night, and it was the night part of the training. She hated that she had to break up the moment, break up the tranquillity and peace that seemed to have taken over Clay but she had too. With that she moved quietly deeper into the room until she was stood at the end of the crib seeing the baby girl looking contently up at Clay as he continued to lightly sweep his hand over her stomach.

Clay knew that Lisa was there, knew from the moment she stopped in the doorway, and knew when she moved until she was beside him. "She doesn't have a name. No one will name her because she is only two weeks old. And do you know why that is?" Clay spoke unprompted although he did not look away from the little girl that had been crying with the most emerald green eyes he had ever seen when he had put Jalen down in his crib and made sure that the scraggly old threadbare blanket was tucked around him tightly.

Lisa shook her head and swallowed as she looked down at the sweet innocent baby girl and watched as her little hands rested gently on Clay's wrist as if she was trying to hold onto him as her little hands tried ruthlessly to grasp him. "No Clay, no, I don't know why they won't name her." It seemed terrible to think that a baby, that any human, could remain nameless weeks into the beginning of their life as Lisa spoke softly feeling like there was a lot going on in Clay's head.

"Because it is unlikely she will ever be considered for adoption here; if her parents had named her and then abandoned her then the perception is that something is wrong with the baby. The worst part about that though is she will end up growing up here, not being adopted because adoptions are not prevalent here like they are back at home. Eventually someone will name her, maybe in a year, maybe in three years, but it will not change that she will grow up never knowing the love and safety of a home." Clay was all to aware of the realities surrounding superstitions and he had looked into statistics and facts surrounding adoptions in the Bahamas or rather he had come across them when the idea had first popped into his head and he was looking for somewhere to visit.

Lisa looked away as she let her eyes gaze over all of the babies that were laid in the cribs in the room as she took in Clay's words and as the reality of the situation that these innocent victims found themselves in because of a flawed system and impoverish country before she finally looked back at him. "You've done this before, haven't you?" She asked as she needed some sort of confirmation even though it felt like she was prying.

Clay swallowed jaggedly before he nodded softly seeing that the nameless baby girl's long eyelashes were beginning to flutter as her eyelids drooped as she fought going to sleep valiantly. "I'm sorry Lis. I did not think how any of this would affect you, any of you, and I should have taken it into consideration. This was not fair to you or anyone else."

Lisa moved around the crib to Clay's side and placed her hand down flat on his back as she tucked herself into his side without upsetting the rhythm he had set as he continued to lull the beautiful baby girl to sleep. "Look at me Clay." She ordered although her voice was gentle enough to assure him that it was okay. Of course he was thinking about everyone but himself but she could not even comprehend why he was apologising to her for bringing them along with him because she knew that he would have visited anyway. She waited until he turned slowly to look at her as she copied his motions repeating them over his back absentmindedly. "I, for one, am glad that you asked us to join you today. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, nothing."

Clay looked at Lisa and wanted to cry but instead he turned away and blew out a shaky breath as he swallowed down the sadness that he felt. "I still feel like I do."

Lisa leaned up on her tippy toes and rested her chin on Clay's shoulder as he was still turned away from her. "Whether you want to admit it or not blue eyes, you gave us a wonderful perspective today, sad and eye opening, but sometimes we needed to be reminded of others." She stopped as she watched as the baby girl finally succumbed completely to her tiredness. "These kids barely have anything yet they are happy and they smile brightly. It is not often that you see kids with absolute pure joy on their faces simply because they are being showed a bit of attention. You let us do that, you provided us with the opportunity to give these kids just a little bit of happiness, and I will hold that dear forever." It was hard to imagine that something as simple as affection and attention could be the cause of so much joy and happiness but it was to the orphans that spent their days in an overcrowded orphanage that was doing its best to simply care for them.

Clay sniffled begrudgingly and Lisa was sure that her heart melted just a little bit. "Thank you for allowing us to share this with you, and thank you for sharing a part of you with us." Lisa meant every word of it.

Clay blinked away the tears that filled his eyes as he would not let them fall even as Lisa's sincere words got to him. "I wish there was something more we could do like get them some books or even some more toys." Material possessions were not overly important to these children as it was something that they had never really had but it did not mean that just because they had never had them that they should not ever get them. Wishing for the children to find homes and people that loved them would never come true despite how much he would have liked to think it would so instead he hoped that they got things that could help them because books were a refuge as well as a learning tool for some.

Lisa smiled tearfully at Clay's whispered wish but she did not say anything more as she tilted her head forward until her forehead was rested against his neck as she let the silence lapse between them as they both needed a few moments. Lisa was thinking of a way that she could make Clay's wish for the children of the orphanage become a reality while Clay fought to reign in his emotions as another memory flashed through his mind as he had inadvertently spent the night in an orphanage with a colicky baby asleep on his chest as the beat of his heart had lulled the baby to sleep finally after hours of crying.

Brock had been sent by Jason to go in search of Lisa and Clay as Lisa still had not returned with Clay in tow despite almost quarter of an hour having gone by. Cerb had stopped at the door, cocked his head to the side then turned back to Brock who was quickly closing the gap before he turned back to the room. Brock would have laughed at Cerb's antics if not for what he saw. The entire day had left him relatively speechless from the moment Clay had convinced them all to go right up until the moment he stopped at the door but he was glad that he and Cerb had been able to spend some time with the little kids who smiled brightly; this was definitely one of the highlights of their deployment as training and teaching were not the greatest things to do at times.

Brock hated to interrupt, hated to have to be the one too, but they needed to get back to base, take care of themselves then get ready for the night training/ teaching exercise that they had to do. "Spense, Lisa." Brock called softly doing his upmost not to disturb the sleeping or awake and quiet babies that were in the room.

Lisa turned to look at Brock hoping he did not catch her glassy eyes or at least politely ignored them. "Yeah Brock?" She asked softly seeing that he and Cerb had remained in the doorway.

Brock tapped his watch. "We need to return to base."

Lisa glanced down at her watch as she did not realise how much time had passed before she returned her gaze to Brock. "We will be there in a few minutes, I promise." She wished they had more time but they had a job to do.

Brock softly nodded as he smiled before he clicked his fingers calling Cerb as he turned and left the room without saying anything else as he knew what Lisa was doing. She was good and he figured that Clay needed the comfort that he would only let Lisa offer him at times as it was done with a dainty feminine touch although he would never openly describe it as that.

Lisa turned her attention back to Clay as she let her chin slip off of his shoulder and came down off of her tippy toes feeling as he straightened himself up as if he was cramming all of the memories back into the box that was well kept hidden in the deep dark depths of his mind. "You ready?" She asked after a few moments as he finally turned back to look at her as he slowly and cautiously retracted his head so as not to wake the sweet baby girl that he had just gotten to sleep then he slung his arm over his shoulders keeping her close.

"I will be. We better get going, we are already running late." The physical pain that Clay felt from unleashing some of his childhood memories would remain for a while until it finally faded once more until it only reared its ugly head on rare occasions.

Lisa kept her hand on his back while she reached out with her other hand and gently laid the blanket down over top of the baby girl so that she would not be cold before the two quietly made their way out of the room.

SEAL TEAM

Bravo in its entirety were unusually subdued as a comfortable yet heavy silence blanketed them as they made their way back to base although Clay could feel the questioning glances that kept being levelled his way. For a bunch of Tier One Operators, they were not as discreet as they had been trained to be but he knew it was because they were worried and had questions that they wanted to ask but would not in an effort to respect his privacy. Clay closed his eyes as he tipped his head to the side and let it rest against the steel of the pillar knowing that Lisa was beside him acting as a buffer whether she meant to or not but he was grateful for the silent support.

The memories, the few that he had not been able to completely shut away just yet, swirled at the forefront of his mind as his stomach somersaulted as it was unsettled by them. There was so much heartache intertwined with some happiness in those memories but what Clay realised was that they shaped him, shaped who he was in some of his later formative years, and despite everything he was grateful to have been able to spend time visiting those orphanages and the orphans. All of the thinking led to several questions as he began to wonder what happened to some of those children who knew no more or no better. Did they make it to age out? Did they get adopted? Did they become successful? Or did they become the very thing that made them orphans? Did they find their happily ever after? Have their dreams become reality? Or did their whole worlds shatter because of some terrible thing? And after all of these questions came to his mind, he realised that he would never be able to answer any of them because the places that he visited when he was young did not keep records or at least well kept ones.

Clay could not stop the shudder from going through his spine as he remembered the little girl named Ada who was only six when she came to the orphanage that he visited frequently. Ada in English loosely meant to be prosperous or happy but little Ada with her thick black curly hair and sad hollow looking hazel eyes was neither of those things. Clay could still vividly recall how terrified she was and it was his first real introduction to how cruel people could be to children although the horrors she had been through made him sick even still. The little girl cowered constantly in the corner of the room and would not let anyone near her. Her eyes constantly darted around the room and he never saw her truly relaxed. But the worst part was that Ada had suffered terribly in her six short years however reaching the orphanage had not been enough to save her as she succumbed to sepsis just a few short weeks later despite all of the care that she was given; it was like she had given up but at least her last few weeks were peaceful at last and free of the frequent beatings she had received. For him, she was the first one who he had seen die and he still remembered the sadness he felt, and how he longed for her to at least find an eternal peace.

Clay swallowed thickly and turned his face towards the window before he forced himself to exhale softly in an effort to stave off the short and shallow breathing that was setting in and sure to send everyone into a panic. He needed to sort himself out and quickly, lock away the memories once more, and focus on the training ahead of him.

Compartmentalise. Shake it off. Compartmentalise. Shake it off. Clay repeated to himself silently but still the words 'shake it off' bought a physical pain to his chest as his voice morphed into Adam's, and before he realised what he was doing he had bought his hand up to his chest and began kneading the area where the bullet had hit his chest plate that fateful night.

SEAL TEAM

Lisa was keeping a close eye on Clay along with the rest of Bravo who were all doing an incredibly poor job at covering up their actions, even Mandy looked concerned as she surveyed Clay and then looked round at the rest of the men. If they were not worried about Clay then she would have called them out on it but she was worried too. Lisa watched as Clay turned away from them, angling his body from them, but when his breathing picked up and his hand went to his chest she saw and felt the tension notch up in the van, and she knew she had to do something but before she could Jason had moved out of his seat so that he was crouched down in front of Clay.

Jason had been watching Clay closely and he was concerned as he suddenly regretted letting the kid talk him into visiting the orphanage as it was becoming suddenly all to clear that the happy façade that the kid had put up all day was cracking and crumbling faster than he had ever seen before. There was something unexplainable in Lisa's body language that had Jason shuffling past Mandy and crouching down in front of Clay and he was grateful that the van had enough room for him to do so. From where Jason was he could not see Clay's face as he had it concealed but his fingers continued to steadily increase their kneading of his chest. In his peripheral vision Jason saw Trent getting ready to come closer but he stopped him with a quick hand signal as the last thing Clay needed was to feel crowded.

The van suddenly jolted as it hit a large pothole and if it was not for Lisa's quick action of reaching out to grab Jason's arm then he would have tipped over but what alarmed Jason was how hard Clay hit his head against the steel pillar yet he made no effort to move nor did he make a single sound as the kneading increased. There was no way that the kid was going out training with them and the Bahamian forces tonight, nope, Lisa and Mandy were going to stay with him whether he liked it or not. "Hey kid, look at me." He kept his voice soft and quiet not wanting to startle Clay as no one ever wanted to startle a SEAL although that was not something that was easy to do. He waited a few moments before he looked at Lisa who simply shrugged at Clay's unresponsiveness. "Spenser, need you to talk to me kid." He tried again, his voice a little firmer this time, as he dug his own hands into his thighs but he could see everyone leaning forward in their seats straining to see and hear.

Jason shifted his eyes back to Clay or more intently to his hand that continued to knead relentlessly, and Jason was sure that he would cause himself to bruise given how increasingly hard the action was getting. It was time to take a risk and deal with whatever reaction it elicited. Cautiously and with more patience than most thought he possessed Jason reached his hand out and very gently wrapped it around Clay's wrist then pulled it away from his chest feeling the way he tensed before he relaxed and did not even try to break the hold. He did not let go of Clay's wrist even once it was resting down on his own leg as he was sure that if he let go then the hand would go straight back to kneading the spot of his chest over his breastbone however he did notice the shortness of breath that the motion had been diverting his attention from. The concern that Jason felt was growing by the second and he felt totally out of his depth but this was his kid and he was not about to leave him alone.

"Today was hard, good but hard." Jason began hoping everyone with the exception of Clay would pick up on what he was trying to do even as he sent a pointed look Ray's way. "Those kids are pretty amazing, resilient and unbelievably strong."

Ray narrowed his eyes towards Jason wondering if he was intent on torturing Clay but then he realised he was trying to share with Clay that today had been good for all of them as it gave them the gift of appreciation for those around them and for their families waiting for them at home however that last thought made Ray's stomach turn slightly because there was no one waiting for Clay at home instead his family was all with him right now. Ray sometimes felt as though he was missing several pieces of the puzzle that was Clay Spenser's life especially the pieces that showed him why Clay was so good with his own children when his own childhood was most likely pretty rough. However visiting the orphanage and even the impassioned speech that he gave to get them there gave Ray another piece or two to fill that puzzle in although he had resigned himself long ago to never truly completing it as Clay was tight lipped about pretty much anything that related to his childhood. "It gave us a lot to think about and appreciate brother." Ray picked up from where Jason had left off knowing the man would have thought about his own children like he had and was.

Trent was itching to move closer and examine Clay sure that he would have a headache from hitting his head when they hit the pothole but he understood why Jason had waved him off for the moment. In truth he had split his attention between Clay and the kids all day, and it was not hard to see the small cues that Clay showed without realising as the day wore on, but then again he knew he was not the only one keeping an eye on their youngest. "I am glad you included us Clay." Trent was glad to be included and not only because it meant he could keep an eye on him but because it was kind of nice to see that kids could be happy despite all that life had thrown at them.

Brock felt as Cerb tried to inch forward to get closer to Clay but Brock kept his hand firmly wrapped around Cerb's collar holding him in place as he was not sure how Clay would react given how he was not reacting at all to Jason. Brock had smiled and been completely for a visit to the orphanage mainly because his brother had been so passionate about it, and he knew that Cerb would enjoy the endless participants willing to play fetch or pet him but now he was doubtful if it had been the right decision. "You know Spense, Cerb loved getting the ball thrown endlessly and all of those pats that he got, and the kids loved getting to play and pet him just as much." Brock would have laughed at the well timed bark that Cerb punctuated the end of his statement with if he was not as worried as he felt. "It's good to show them that they do not have to be fearful of dogs." That was the part that Brock enjoyed; being able to show kids that not all dogs were to be feared or that they were sick although most of the strays were, and he got to provide a small amount of education on the correct way to approach and pat dogs.

Mandy smiled as she reached out and gave Cerb a quick pat in the spot behind his ear that he loved even as she kept her eyes on Jason and Clay. "Thank you for sharing this with us Clay. Sometimes I get so caught up in everything that I forget to enjoy the simple things. Those children reminded me of that today." Mandy had spent a few hours with Alejandro and Jason, usually she would be the first to admit that she was not very good with kids nor would she consider herself as maternal but there was something about the little boy that had melted her heart as he played and cuddled into her content to be in her arms. He was fearless and happy despite the shitty circumstances that life had thrown at him. The simplest things could bring unprecedented amounts of joy, and it was a nice timely reminder.

Sonny chewed at his toothpick relentlessly feeling it splintering but he paid no attention to it as he continued to watch Clay as he had been doing the entire day. Of course blondie had been putting up a façade, and of course he thought they would not realise it. Sonny chose to remain quiet as there was nothing he could say that would sort out whatever was going on with his best friend nor had he really interacted with the children as it still felt to raw. The only reason he had gone to the orphanage was because Jason had made it very clear that he would be going with them and not spending his day drowning his sorrows in whatever dive bar he could find as he had planned to do the moment Clay had shared his idea with them. However it did not mean he missed the scowl that came his way from Lisa as he remained silent.

Jason wanted to sigh but he withheld from doing so as he focused all of his attention on Clay who was doing his upmost to try and regulate his breathing yet failing miserably and his hope that the guys talking would make Clay move had failed. "Come on kid." Jason let his knee knock gently against Clay's as he shifted as the floor was not doing his knees any favours.

Clay had been listening to his brothers, had noticed the absence of the Texan drawl although he figured that the man was still discontent about the whole day, but he was too focused on trying to regulate his breathing, ease the ache in his chest, and swallow down the lump that had formed in his throat, as well as ignore the headache that was beginning to form as he had hit his forehead on the steel pillar when the whole van had been tossed around after hitting the pothole. His fingers physically itched to knead at the ache in his chest but his wrist was still caught and held by Jason. Consolidate. Shake it off. No matter how much he repeated it to himself he just could not do it in the moment.

Jason shook his head wishing that their return trip to their temporary base had taken them a bit longer but they had arrived as the van stopped. Yet he was not any closer to getting Clay to move or tell him what was going on. Jason looked over at Ray who was the last to get out of the van with the exception of him, Lisa and Clay. "Take the team, get ready and report to Eric. I will be over soon. Lisa, stay with me."

Ray had already suspected that Clay would not be attending training with them about half way back so it was not a surprise when Jason spoke nor when he requested Lisa to stay. It was clear that Lisa would be on Clay watch with Mandy most likely joining her later. Lisa had an uncanny and irreplaceable ability to get Clay to open up but that came from the strong bond the pair had which no one begrudged them. "Join us when you can." Ray nodded at Jason before he followed after the men who had heard Jason's order to get ready and report to Eric which meant get changed into their uniforms, grab something to eat and then report.

Lisa and Jason shared a look silently trying to work out what was best to do as the abrupt change left them a little more stunned than they cared to admit. "Come on blue eyes, lets get you into bed." Lisa figured that getting Clay into bed meant they could reason that he was sick, and hope that he got some rest.

"But we have to train them." Clay mumbled tiredly and breathlessly with his words being muffled by the metal and glass that he had confined himself against. He was not going to let his momentarily freak out at all of the old memories surfacing stop him from fulfilling his duties.

Jason could not hide his surprise nor did he try to at what finally got Clay to respond although he did not like the way he sounded and almost wished that he had kept Trent behind. "Think you have had enough today kid." He softly responded hoping that it would make Clay pliable enough to go with the flow. "And lets be honest Brock and Ray are going to be doing most of the tracking, it really does not require all of us."

Clay grunted in response although it made no sense. "Don't want to sleep." There was a vulnerability that could be heard in Clay's muffled voice, and Jason nor Lisa had to ask why as there was only one answer that it could possibly be, nightmares.

Lisa moved closer knowing that Clay would not react violently towards her nor would he towards Jason or any of the team now that he was aware of himself and his surroundings. "How about you and me watch a movie or two until the guys come back from training? Jason is right, it doesn't require all of you, and anyway you and Brock are Trent's dummies for the field medic course that he is teaching tomorrow." Lisa knew that Clay and Brock had been chosen by Trent mainly because they would remain still and not be nuisances like Sonny would although Trent had been firm in his decision that Sonny needed to take notes and brush up on his own field first aid. "Speaking of first aid, can we look at you Clay? You took a good hit to your head when we hit that pothole." It was an ideal deviation.

"I'm sorry." Clay murmured hating that he had caused them to worry.

"Let us take a look at you kid then we will get you over to the quarters so you and Lisa can watch a movie until we get back." Jason did not understand Clay's apology but that was the least of his worries for now. He hoped that Clay would open up to them but he did not expect it to become reality although it did seem as though he was finally getting his breathing under control.

Clay felt as Lisa wrapped her hand around his shoulder and pulled him gently towards her. He opened his eyes having to blink heavily to adjust to the bright sunlight that was filling the van as he had his eyes closed the entire time before he looked at Jason. "I'm sorry." He repeated as he looked straight into Jason's eyes wanting him to know he meant it.

"What have you got to be sorry for kid?" Jason could not ignore the apology the second time as he still did not understand it but it was clear enough to know that Clay felt that he needed to apologise. Jason took the opportunity to look at Clay's forehead and he could see the welt that had already formed and would most likely bruise within the next few hours but he shoved that aside as it was not bleeding and the hit had not been hard enough to have caused a concussion or any other sort of head injury.

Clay swallowed thickly and tensed as his eyes darted away from Jason and out the window to look at their temporary home. "I shouldn't have… it wasn't right…" He swallowed thickly at the lump that he could not shift in his throat.

Lisa looked at Jason who looked just as confused as she felt. "We are going to need full sentences blue eyes." She hoped it would compel him to talk but she knew that they had to be patient.

Clay fought to pull his hand away from Jason and knead at his chest again even though he knew it was a bad habit that he sometimes fell back on. "I should not have asked any of you to go with me today. I should not have gone today. It was not fair to any of you and not fair to those kids. We went, had fun with them then left. Abandoned them just like everyone else." He paused as he shook his head. "I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. Why I thought going back to an orphanage would be good."

Whether Clay realised or not he had inadvertently given them an opening to ask about his knowledge and experiences in orphanages before; the only problem was Jason was not sure he could bring himself to ask but he knew that in order for Clay to get out of his head then he needed to share what was going on within it. "Tell me what has made you think that kid." It was not a question but a statement although Jason was not sure he was prepared for the answer that he would be given, and with one look at Lisa he could see that she was not ready either.

"Ada." Clay only spoke one name but the haunting look that appeared on his face told the two more than enough.

"Who was Ada, Clay?" Lisa asked in that incredibly soft and compelling voice that she used with him, and him exclusively.

"The first one that I saw terrified and so sick, she died. She never got her chance to be safe and free." Clay's voice took on a flatness that told them he was disassociating with the memory or at least trying really hard too. "And it was too soon for Sonny, he's still reeling from his experience with Benji."

Jason wanted to simultaneously ring Sonny's neck and hug Clay because of course the kid picked up on Sonny's brooding and moping, and was now regretting having put him in the position. "Sonny is pouting because I would not let him go to the bar and drink the day away. It was better for him to do something productive. His brooding, that's on me kid, not you." Jason knew better than that Clay would accept his words but he had to try.

Lisa hesitated but eventually decided to say what had popped into her mind. "You want to know what I believe Clay?" She had both men turning to look at her, and she got the first look at the welt on Clay's head although she stopped herself from reaching out to touch it and make sure that it was nothing more serious. "Those kids today were happy and they did get more attention than they were used too but they will remember the kind strangers who came and spent the day with them without wanting anything from them in return even though we all got something from them without them even realising. We got the chance to brighten those kids worlds even if for only one day, we still made them happy." It was a glass half full kind of way to look at things but one day of happiness was better than none.

Clay gave a half shrug as he had heard Lisa's words but they would take a bit of time to process. "I did not really understand it back then…" He trailed off not wanting to finish the sentence nor did he know how.

Jason and Lisa shared a look that showed their mutual agreement that they had pushed enough for the moment as they could both see that Clay was clamming up in the way he usually did when it came to his childhood. "Alright, that's enough for now, let's get you into bed and get a cold pack on that lump otherwise Trent will have a lecture all ready to go." Jason said which earned a soft smile from Clay while Lisa rolled her eyes although the threat of one of Trent's lectures was often enough to compel them to hold a cold pack down or get whatever treatment they needed although even then it was not always guaranteed to prevent the lecture from happening, maybe lessen it if they were lucky.

Clay knew he was not going to win nor did he have the energy to argue about it as he felt as though he had been twisted up, tossed around and dumped aside; he was exhausted. "Yeah, okay." He mumbled before he bought his free hand up to scrub at his eyes knowing that he had not slept much in the past couple of days.

Lisa highly doubted that Clay would remain awake for long once they got him tucked into his bed especially with the dark circles that had already been underneath his eyes before they had even set out for the day, and definitely not long enough to remain awake until the guys were back although she knew he would not sleep as deeply until they were.

Jason and Lisa did not hesitate as they wanted to get Clay settled down before he changed his mind, and Jason knew that he would have to hurry to catch up with the rest of the team while Lisa would remain with Clay.

SEAL TEAM

Brock knew that Cerb was not happy, that he did not like that Clay was not with them as he had remained back at base while they ran through the training exercise with the soldiers they were teaching. The blatant disdain was practically oozing off of Cerb which was not like the dog at all. Brock probably could have left Cerb back at base but he was helpful in this particular exercise even if he did not want to be.

"What the hell is the dog's problem now Brock?" Sonny's foul mood had only grown fouler as the exercise progressed which was not helping anyone and especially not Cerb who was picking up on Sonny's anger towards him. He watched as Cerb had huffed and laid down as the men all stood around while Ray explained what the next step involved and how they were going to work through it as Bravo would observe and correct if needed.

Brock rolled his eyes as he decided it was best not to respond to Sonny as it would only add fuel to the fire that he was quite happy to stoke himself.

"Bravo Three!" Jason snapped quietly, completely over Sonny's pissed off, I hate everything, attitude. "Sit this part out over there." He pointed towards the rock that all of their gear was leant up against. Sonny mumbled something under his breath as he bit down on the toothpick so hard that he snapped it as he stomped off much like a petulant child would. Jason shook his head and looked at Ray who had the grace to continue explaining and keep their allies occupied so they did not get front row tickets to the show. Jason thought about taking over the training module so that Ray could go and talk to Sonny, give him one of the speeches that were full of wisdom that seemed to roll off of his tongue, but decided against it as those two had not been on the same page for months and he was sure that it would only serve to antagonise Sonny more which no one needed.

Ray finished his explanation, made sure that everyone understood their parts, before he sent the Bahamian forces off to execute this part of the training exercise before he turned his attention to Jason. "What's going on there?" Ray asked as he realised that Jason had more than training successfully, and Clay on his mind, as he now had to worry about Sonny.

"Who the hell would know?" Jason shrugged although he knew he had to figure it out quick although he had a fairly good idea where it had stemmed from.

"Spense is going to think Sonny's mood is his fault boss." Brock pointed out without hesitation as he had seen that Sonny was the only one who did not at least try and interact with the kids earlier.

Jason sighed hard and scrubbed his hand over his face trying to stave off the weariness that he felt. "He already does." Three heads swivelled to look at him instead of watching the men in front of them as they fulfilled the requirements. Jason had remained tight lipped when he caught up with them as there were to many strangers around to catch them up so all he had told them was that he was with Lisa resting for the night and would not be joining them as he had a small bump to his forehead that was beginning to bruise and a headache to go with it.

"Sounds like we need to have a conversation boss." Trent's voice left no room for argument or indecision.

"I know but not here, not with listening ears." Jason knew that his men were worried as was he, and he only hoped that Clay got some rest or at least spoke with Lisa a little while they were out although he doubted the second one given how cosy Clay looked when he had left him. Jason felt as on edge as his entire team was, and he knew they would rather be back on base surrounding their kid even if he was not prepared to explain anything to them, it would make them feel better.

"As soon as we get back to base and are dismissed from this." Ray agreed with Trent. "Someone needs to talk to Sonny too." That was one thing that Ray would not be volunteering for.

Jason felt his own headache beginning to form but he knew that Ray was right which annoyed him as he would like for him to be wrong just once. They all knew that Sonny had been off for the last several weeks and it was ever since the mission to Myanmar that had a small boy attached to him until he handed him to his grandparents. Jason had hoped that Sonny would do what he was known to do, drown his sorrows and move on, but for some reason he had drowned his sorrows repeatedly but not moved on instead letting what was bothering him fester and build into a wave of anger that made everyone want to avoid him. "We will deal with that when we get back to base too." Confronting the Texan who had not looked to be any calmer was not a good idea as the anger was still radiating off of him in waves.

Brock looked down at Cerb who let out a whine as he was still lying down with his head on his paws. Brock frowned and knelt down next to him giving him a pat as he refocused on the men in front of him seeing that they were not getting things correct which was costing them precious time and could very well cost a life in a real event.

SEAL TEAM

Mandy let herself into Bravo's quarters quietly knowing that they were still out training to see Lisa stretched out on one of the men's bunks opposite Clay reading through a file. Lisa looked up and smiled. "Hi." Mandy kept her voice soft as she looked at Clay and smiled softly seeing that he was laid on his side facing Lisa asleep with a light blanket tucked tightly around him despite the warmth in the air. "I bought chocolate, figured we could share… Oh ouch!" She held up the block of chocolate before she caught sight of the large dark bruise to the corner of Clay's forehead unsure as to why it surprised her as she had heard the thud that accompanied the hit.

Lisa closed the file, sat up and folded her legs underneath her as she made space for Mandy to join her. It was nearing midnight but who cared, any time was adequate for chocolate, and it was not like they kept to a regular schedule. "Hi, yeah, he wasn't content to keep the cold pack on it, probably going to get darker before the morning." Lisa replied knowing that he had been unsettled and she had been watching as the bruise visibly darkened. "Heard anything from the guys?"

Mandy slipped off her shoes before she sat down on the bed facing Lisa and mirrored her position with her legs tucked beneath her then set the chocolate in between them having already broken it up before she walked in. "No but they should be back soon." She replied before she reached out and took a piece of chocolate.

Lisa reached forward and took her own piece of chocolate, savouring the first bite, before she looked at her watch once more. "They are in for a long night if they aren't back by now, and it's already been a long day." For a Gucci mission, there had not been a lot of sleep as they had been teaching and training hard with the women even roped into training their counterparts.

Mandy let her eyes linger over Clay before she smiled faintly as she was always amazed at how young he looked when he was asleep. It was hard to reconcile how a man, a Tier One Operator, could look so much like a child when asleep but Clay Spenser managed it. "How is he doing really?" She knew that Bravo was worried, had seen the carefully concealed worry that blanketed Jason when he caught up with the rest of the team just moments before they set out on their training excursion.

Lisa wished she had the answer to that question but she did not. "Worried about everyone else, and the toll it took on all of us today." She kept it simple as she did not want to disclose to much even to Mandy as it was not her place too.

Mandy looked back at Lisa seeing the apprehensive look that appeared on her face. "Worried about everyone or worried about Sonny? We all caught sight of him today, and we have all been on the receiving end of his moodiness lately, and he has been moodier than usual." She could read between the lines, and her and Jason had already had a quick chat about his behaviour while they were at the orphanage.

"Yeah." Lisa sighed as she took another bite of her chocolate thinking about the cluster that they found themselves in. "Do you ever think about it?"

Lisa's question caught Mandy off guard as she was not entirely sure what she was alluding too. "Think about what?" She asked as she took the last bite of her piece of chocolate preventing it from melting in between her fingers.

"I watched you today with that little boy." Lisa smiled recalling the thousand watt smile that Mandy wore with a child in her arms nor did she miss the subtle looks that were exchanged between her and Jason as they interacted together. If Lisa had not known better, Mandy and Jason interacting with the little boy could have been mistaken for a family, a beautiful and adoring one at that especially with the way they fawned over the boy.

"And I watched you with those girls today." Mandy countered evasively seeing the smile that Lisa had on her face as she helped the little girls draw and colour pictures to hang on the walls of the orphanage. She was a goddamn natural.

Lisa's smile faltered somewhat as it morphed into one tinged with sadness as she looked down at her hands after she checked on Clay once more. "You know I never saw that for myself, never considered the idea of being a mother, but then I had my miscarriage and I have never felt so empty or so alone, and I started to think about the bigger picture, about what I wanted for me, for my life outside of my career." She kept her voice soft and was unable to keep the shakiness out of her voice which always came when she thought or spoke about her miscarriage. "The idea of being a mother, it terrifies me on some many levels, but today seeing those kids, seeing how happy they were because we were spending time with them, reminds me of everything that I thought about, that I would want to be able to give a child. I never wanted that but now I do. It still terrifies me though."

Mandy had not known that Lisa had felt empty or alone and she wished that she could have done more but it was hard when you had never been through something like that. "I am sorry you felt and feel that way Lisa, I truly am." She meant every word. "I have thought about it, even got that aching womb thing a few times and the cluckiness. God when RJ was born, I got incredibly clucky, lucky for me Naima let me come over and cuddle him constantly. I probably drove her crazy, and we all know that woman is a Saint. I don't know if I will but I know its something that I have to decide on sooner rather than later thanks to that whole biological ticking clock."

The two women were interrupted as a low groan came from Clay which was quickly followed by a guttural whimper as he tossed and turned all of a sudden. Lisa moved off of the bed and closer to Clay knowing exactly what was happening and she wanted to put an end to it before it got worse. Clay was having a nightmare. "Clay." Lisa called loudly knowing better than to approach a trained operative in the middle of a nightmare unless it was the absolute last resort. "Clay." She called a little bit louder but to no avail.

"Lisa." Mandy warned seeing her move closer to Clay as she also knew the golden rule which was not to get close unless it was absolutely imperative as she got off of the bed.

The blanket slid to the floor as Clay freed himself from it as he writhed on top of the mattress increasingly frantic. Lisa moved forward deciding that it was time to wake him up at any cost, golden rule be damned. "Clay, wake up." Lisa said loudly trying once more but instead the whimpers that seemed to be flowing from Clay only got louder until it sounded like he was sobbing despite still being asleep. Lisa could not take it any longer as she cautiously leaned down and placed her hand on Clay's shoulder then squeezed softly as she called his name although she was prepared to get out of the way quickly if he accidently lashed out but instead he woke with a gasp forcing himself to sit up as his entire body shuddered.

"Clay, it's okay, it was just a bad dream. You are okay." Lisa kept her voice soft as she moved to sit on the edge of the bed, and before she knew it she had an armful of Clay as he folded into her with his face pressed into her neck sobbing painfully. It had to have been one hell of a nightmare as it had clearly shaken him up. Lisa ran her hand up and down his back hoping to sooth him but he was close to hyperventilating despite trying to calm himself down. She could feel her shirt become wet and stick to her skin but that was the very least of her worries. "I've got you, it's okay Clay, you are okay. Just try and take a breath for me."

Mandy quietly picked up her shoes and excused herself from the room to go and find Eric as she hoped he could pull the teams back in as it was clear that Clay needed his brothers even if he did not want to talk about what it was that his nightmare had been about instead he would draw comfort from them being around. She knew that Clay was in capable arms with Lisa until they got back.

SEAL TEAM

Jason was relieved to have returned to base and while he knew that the team had to talk he desperately wanted to check on Clay first which no one begrudged as they all wanted to check on their youngest brother as well. Jason turned around as they reached their barracks and looked at the men. "He should be asleep." He was cautioning them to remain quiet and when he received four nods and a nudge to the leg from Cerb he opened the door and stepped in. He suddenly stopped as his ears registered the sounds of hoarse sobs and ragged breathing before his eyes registered what he was seeing as Lisa was hugging Clay fiercely doing everything she could to calm him down.

Jason moved across the room quickly but he had not been fast enough to beat Cerb who was already on Clay's bed and curling up next to him as much as he could as he nudged his nose into him. Jason knelt down next to the bed trying to work out what was going on as he was sure that it would not be the pain that was making Clay so upset as it should have been minor, and they had only seen him distraught on a few occasions – Brian, Adam and Swanny all came to mind.

Trent went straight into medic mode as he followed Jason over and knelt down next to him although he withheld himself from pulling Clay away from Lisa to do an examination as it looked as though Clay had a pretty firm hold on Lisa.

Brock moved after Trent however he went to the other side of the bed closest to Cerb although he had no idea what to do. There was no way that Clay should have been left if he was this distraught was what first popped into Brock's mind but he also knew that Jason would not have left him with Lisa if he had been this bad so something must have happened afterwards. Brock withheld the wince that he wanted to release as the sobs sounded increasingly painful and he was sure that Clay's lungs were probably burning from the hyperventilating that he seemed to be doing.

Ray turned just in time to see Sonny hightailing it out of the quarters most likely to find the nearest bar or at least whatever bottle of bootleg booze he could get his hands on. If Ray had not been so concerned by Clay then he would have been going after Sonny to drag him back but he let him go instead as he moved into the room and closed the door giving them privacy, more importantly giving Clay privacy.

Lisa let her eyes land on Jason as she continued to hold Clay tightly knowing he had calmed down considerably before they had come in but he was still struggling to breathe as sob after hoarse sob tore loose from his throat. "Nightmare." She mouthed hoping he would understand and he acknowledged it with a nod.

Clay could not stop the sobs or the short breaths as it was like the flood dam broke, and if he could get it under control then he was sure he would be embarrassed but instead his body was filling with panic as it truly felt as though he could not breathe no matter how hard he tried to focus on Lisa's voice and the way she was trying to sooth him.

Lisa felt the moment Clay's struggle turned into panic as his breathing got faster until he could not make a sound. "Clay! Hey, you have got to breathe for me honey." The term of endearment slipped from her lips but she was worried as she could feel him shaking against her and she swore that he was not breathing properly.

Jason was hesitant to reach out to Clay but nothing that Lisa was doing was calming him which was no fault of her own. "Clay, hey kid, it's okay, we are here. You are okay." Jason decided to see if his voice would help Clay to calm down as he gently placed his hand on the back of Clay's neck feeling that his skin was slick with sweat but what was more concerning was how he was trembling. Lisa nodded subtly to keep Jason talking as Clay had not tensed with his hand or his words, and she was okay with him trying because what was best for Clay was to get him calmed down. "I want you to take a nice slow breath kid then release it just as slowly. Just try, it's okay." Jason coached although it was ineffective as it seemed that nothing was helping to slow down his breathing.

There was a momentary panic that went through everyone as Clay's entire body went lax against Lisa's and he ceased making any noise although his breathing was still ragged with the exception of Trent who quickly reached out and pressed his fingers to Clay's neck to check his pulse feeling how it was racing. "He's passed out, most likely from the lack of oxygen. Let's get him laid down." Trent informed the group before he helped Jason and Brock lay Clay back into his bed as his weight would have been heavy against Lisa. No one missed how red his face was or the faint blue tinge that his lips had nor did they miss the tear tracks that were down his face. Lisa stood up and stepped back so that Trent had more room as he ran through another few checks.

Ray stepped forward as Lisa stood still looking more shaken than he had seen her in a long time, and he placed his hand on her shoulder feeling as she leaned in towards him a little closer. "It had to be one hell of a nightmare." Ray stated softly seeing that Jason had found a facecloth, wet it with water from a bottle, and was carefully wiping it over Clay's face as Cerb settled in tight to his side while Brock sat back down on the floor and Trent kept an eye on Clay's pulse and respirations.

Lisa shook his head bringing herself out of her shell shocked state before she looked around the room. "Where's Sonny?" She asked softly making everyone look at her and then around the room.

Ray sighed. "He left as soon as we walked in."

Jason sighed and squeezed the damp facecloth into a ball before he tossed it onto the nearby table. "Any idea of how long before he will be awake?" The last thing Jason wanted was for Clay to wake up alone especially after what had just gone on. None of them were strangers to nightmares, after all their job gave them a whole lot of fuel to add to that fire, and they all had various ways of coping but Jason had never seen Clay affected this way which worried him even more.

Trent turned to Jason understanding why he was asking. "He exhausted himself until he passed out. It will be a while at best guess." However it also meant that they would be staying close.

"What do you want to do about Sonny boss?" Brock asked not relishing the idea of having to go after him and having to leave Spense but he couldn't leave another brother alone either.

That was the million dollar question, Jason thought as he bought his hands up to his face and scrubbed at his skin before he returned one of his hands down to rest on Clay's forearm hoping that it would provide some comfort and stave off another nightmare as Jason did not need any medical knowledge to know that his body could not go through another one so soon. "Last thing we need is for him to go off half-cocked and get into trouble." Jason looked around knowing none of them wanted to be split but the last thing he needed was Sonny causing trouble and with the mood he was in it was a very real possibility especially once alcohol was mixed in. "Ray, Brock, go find him. I don't care what you have to do just get him back to here." Jason did not have the energy or focus to think about the discord between Ray and Sonny. "Actually Ray, order him to be confined to quarters effective immediately if you can't get him to tell you what is going on with him." It was drastic but if needed then it would be done.

Ray and Brock shared a look, neither looked ecstatic to have to go and corral Sonny especially as they had to leave Clay who was obviously struggling but they would. "We will be back soon Spense." Brock spoke softly once he was stood up, not missing the soft smile that Lisa gave him before she returned her attention to Clay. Brock did not even try to get Cerb to come with them as the dog was not going anywhere, not with Clay down.

Jason waited until the door was closed behind Ray and Brock before he looked at Lisa who was still stood a few steps away from them. "Lisa, you okay?" He wanted to make sure she was okay before he asked her anything as the golden rule came to his mind.

Lisa's eyes snapped to meet Jason's. "I'm okay. I woke him but it really was the last resort, he gasped, saw me then collapsed into my arms sobbing. Really, I am fine, just worried about him." She kept her voice soft as she moved closer kneeling beside Jason as Trent had moved round to the other side of the bed as they settled into wait. Wait for Ray and Brock to return with Sonny and wait for Clay to wake up. Either way, there would most likely be some uncomfortableness no matter which was first.

SEAL TEAM

Sonny forewent the mug as he drunk straight from the bottle having scored some rum which was not what he typically drunk but it was alcohol and he was not going to be picky about it as he sat in the gutter not far down the street from their base. There were so many things rattling around in his head and most of it did not make any sense but what he did know was that he had been left all twisted up by the mission weeks ago with Benji and he did not like it one bit yet he had no idea why or how to fix it.

And then they had taken the visit to the orphanage and he could not bare to bring himself to interact with any of the children that were there instead he had sat silently and forebodingly in the corner watching his youngest brother sensing that there was something going on with him which was confirmed by the fact he was a sobbing mess in Lisa's arms. Sonny took another swig of rum, swallowing it down with ease, before he poked his tongue out and licked over his lips as the guilt of leaving his brother set in but he could not bring himself to return to his side just yet.

SEAL TEAM

Jason felt as Lisa knocked her knee against his as she got his attention before she leaned forward and squeezed Clay's hand as she had taken hold of his not long after she had settled on the floor beside Jason. Jason caught sight of what Lisa had which was that Clay's eyelids were fluttering as he appeared to be waking up. "Hey kid, it's okay." Jason kept his voice soft slightly surprised that Clay was awake given Trent's estimation as it had been no longer than forty five minutes.

A soft groan left Clay's slightly parted lips as he opened his eyelids fully to see Jason, Lisa and Trent all beside his bed. Every part of his body ached but none more so than his chest which felt heavy and constricted. It took a few seconds to get his bearings but as soon as he did he felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"How are you feeling Clay?" Trent asked softly deciding to ignore the way Clay looked away from them as he became embarrassed instead choosing to focus on his health as he had not missed his bloodshot eyes or how pale he still looked.

Clay swallowed and pushed himself up so that he was sitting up although he was careful of Cerb who was tucked tightly into him. Clay reached the hand that was not clutched in Lisa's out and began stroking Cerb, focusing on those actions. "I'm sorry, didn't… shouldn't have… Sorry." He just could not get the words out.

"Nothing to be sorry for sunshine. We all have bad dreams. Sometimes they catch us out." Jason was speaking from experience and he knew that it was something they all shared even if they did not always openly talk about it.

Clay shuddered and it had Cerb whining softly beneath his hand. The worst part was that his nightmare felt so real, more real than any of the other ones that he had before, and no nightmare had even left him sobbing and clinging to someone before.

"You want to tell us what is going on in that big brain of yours kid?" Jason asked knowing it could be helpful or hurtful, he just was not sure which one. Clay looked up at Jason then moved his eyes around the room as a frown formed on his face wondering where the rest of the team was. "Ray and Brock are with Sonny. They will be back soon." Jason supplied pre-empting the question that he was sure would come.

Clay lowered his eyes to his blanket covered lap again willing himself to stop trembling as he could feel it. "Sonny's mad, isn't he?"

Trent, Jason and Lisa all exchanged a look of disbelief, not at Clay's words but rather the way he said them. "What makes you think that Clay?" Lisa asked before Trent or Jason could hoping that a softly pitched tone of voice would have him opening up to them.

Clay let his eyes flicker to Lisa before he dropped them down again. "You all saw him today, and he is not here now. I'm sorry."

Lisa blew out a soft breath not wanting Clay to worry about Sonny for the moment. "What was your nightmare about Clay?" She registered the sharp glares from both men but she focused entirely on Clay.

Clay sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth and chewed down on it as he screwed his eyes shut for a few seconds before he opened them again feeling as they began to get watery. "Ada, the way she looked at me just before she died." His voice was barely above a whisper but in the silence of the room they had all heard it.

Trent looked at Jason and mouthed 'Ada' but Jason shook his head knowing he would explain later if he had too but he did not want to interrupt or stop Clay from talking.

"You were with her when she took her last breath?" Lisa was trying to avoid the word 'died' so 'last breath' seemed like it would be easier to hear as she could just imagine a young blonde blue eyed lanky teenage Clay trying to comfort a young dying girl because that was the sort of person he was.

"She knew, I could see that she knew. She was terrified and despite her fears she reached out to me, wanted someone to hold her." Clay murmured as he tried not to shudder but his breath hitched as Cerb moved from his side and onto his lap.

"And you did." Lisa gave him a watery smile of her own as she felt herself becoming teary eyed.

Clay nodded softly before he cleared his throat as it felt congested. "She looked up at me with the most stunning hazel coloured eyes that I have ever seen but they were so sad and it was like they mirrored my own. She watched me for hours as I sat with her until she finally took her last breath… but her eyes…. They, ah, they didn't close."

"She was sick, wasn't she Clay?" Trent hoped for some context as to Ada's death even though he felt so sorry for his youngest brother as he had done the maths quickly in his head and Clay would have been no older than fifteen at the time, maybe even younger, as it was not hard to figure out that Ada was someone from his past given how the day had worked out. It was hard to confirm considering how little they knew about his childhood.

"Sepsis." Clay supplied without saying any more.

Trent nodded knowing that sepsis was a deadly infection that could worsen very quickly, and if someone went without treatment then it was truly a horrific way to die. "You know there was nothing you could have done Clay, you were just a boy. Sometimes even the best medicine is not enough to save someone despite how much we wish it could. But you know what I know brother, I know that Ada would have felt safe with you beside her." It was important to remind Clay that there was nothing medically he could have done, and that he had made her feel safe in the hours before her death. Trent was sure he was probably missing parts of the story but it did not matter.

Jason had not missed how Lisa's eyes had become glassy with tears and he did not blame her as he was having some trouble controlling his own emotions but he needed too. "I think the visit today might have just been a bit too much, huh kid?" The last thing he wanted Clay to do was retreat further into his head.

Clay inhaled sharply almost as if he had not been breathing before he shrugged. "It was good, just did not realise what it would bring up. I'm sorry, if I had known…" He trailed off not sure what he would have done if he had known it was going to trigger him so badly as he really did want to give the kids a small bit of joy that they did not get every day.

"Maybe you needed it Clay and that's okay too." Lisa tried to keep her voice as firm as she could although she knew she did not do the best job of it as she felt both sad for and proud of Clay.

Jason knew that he had questions that he wanted to ask but he also knew how hard it had been for Clay to admit what he had already and he did not miss how exhausted he still looked so he was not going to push him any more. "How's the head feeling?" He asked having caught sight of the dark bruise that glittered Clay's forehead along with the fairly large bump.

Clay was grateful that he was not being pushed to say more as he really did not have the energy to relive any more memories from when he spent time visiting orphans in the orphanages like the one that they found themselves in. "Got a headache." He admitted easily highly doubting that they would not work it out anyway.

Trent smiled softly at Clay's admission, not because he had a headache but because he had told them. "You can have some Advil if you want? And you could do with some fluids as you are probably dehydrated." Trent knew his suggestion to pain medication would be rejected but Clay might go for an intravenous round of fluids so that he could sleep while his fluids were being replenished as Trent had not seen him drink near enough for the temperatures that they were living in. However Trent had not called him out on it as he did not want to interrupt his brother's fun as he spent time with the children although he was slightly regretting it now.

"You want to put an I.V in him?" Jason shifted his eyes away from Clay to Trent knowing that he would only suggest it if he felt it was necessary.

Trent smiled at the overprotective paternal instincts of Jason's. "Replenish his fluids while he gets some rest. He has not had near as much as we have had to drink today."

Clay knew that Trent would not suggest it if he did not feel strongly. "Trent, just do it." He had no problems with the medic and truthfully he was feeling more fatigued by the minute as he shifted enough for Cerb to move down so he was between his legs with his head rested across his hip.

Lisa let go of Clay's hand, stood up, leaned over and gently tucked the blanket around him as Trent finished getting the cannula in and the I.V hooked up and flowing seeing that his eyelids were fluttering once more. "Get some sleep blue eyes." She whispered softly as she brushed her fingertips over his forehead hoping that he would sleep peacefully now that he had spoken about Ada however she still knew that there would be more nightmares to come despite how much she hoped there would not be. Lisa righted herself but before she could go far Clay reached out and grabbed her hand stopping her from moving away. She did not have to ask Clay what he wanted as she sat back down on the edge of the bed, taking her hand in his.

Jason smiled softly despite the confliction he felt as he glanced towards the door wondering where the hell Brock and Ray had got to with Sonny but then again Sonny could be as hard headed and stubborn as an ox so they had no easy task to find and corral him. "We will be right here when you wake up kid."

Clay opened his mouth then closed it as he decided against saying what he was going to, that he did not need them to stay close, but he did, he wanted them too. Instead he inhaled deeply and exhaled as he relaxed back into the mattress trying to ignore the fear that was building as he did not want to have another nightmare but staying awake was not going to help him either as he allowed his eyelids to flutter closed once more and stay that way.

Lisa, with her free hand, reached out and began to pat Cerb while still clutching Clay's hand in her other as she watched as his breathing evened out as he fell asleep again although this time it was slightly deeper and she knew that was because Jason and Trent were nearby. She would never hold it against him and she could understand the feeling of safety that being around the men of Bravo provided. She shifted her gaze from Clay to Jason seeing that he had gotten himself comfortable on the floor beside his bed. "Jason, he's okay." She found herself reassuring him and herself.

Jason looked up at Lisa giving a soft smile that was laced with sadness. "I know." There were so many things going on in Jason's head as he tried to process what they had learned, and once again he was absolutely amazed at Clay's strength. Watching a child die, hell watching anyone die, was one of the most horrific things to watch, but to be a kid himself and watch a young girl die was something that astounded Jason because he knew that Clay would have done his upmost to provide Ada whatever comfort he could in her time of need.

SEAL TEAM

Ray blew out a breath as he spied Sonny sitting down in the gutter not far from where they stood in the middle of the road. "Brock." Ray nodded his head towards Sonny knowing that they had looked everywhere they could think of on base before they had ventured outside of the wire, having decided not to split up as it was late and not ideal to be wondering around on their own.

Brock, like Ray, was itching to get back to the barracks as he was still uncomfortable with having to leave Clay to go look for their brooding Texan so finding him was good but what was not good was that he looked to be almost completely through an entire bottle of rum, and it was potent rum to be drinking on an empty stomach. "Any idea of how you are going to handle this?" Brock was not about to play rock, paper, scissors, to work out who was going to talk to Sonny. Nope that was Ray's domain, Brock decided as they changed their trajectory and headed towards their brother.

Ray looked at Brock seeing that his brother was clearly throwing him under the metaphorical bus. He looked to the night sky and groaned before he scrubbed his hand over his face wearily. "Let's just see what Sonny we have got." Ray knew that rum was not Sonny's drink, and with the mood he was in it could go either way. The two men made their way down the street frowning at each other as Sonny did not even look up at them instead he stared longingly at the pavement in front of him as he took another swig directly from the bottle.

"We've been looking everywhere for you brother." Ray said loudly hoping not to startle Sonny as he and Brock sat down on either side of him. "Think you have had enough brother." There were only a few mouthfuls left in the bottle but it did not need to be finished.

Sonny snorted at Ray's words and just to be spiteful he finished the bottle before letting it fall to the pavement with a clunk as it stopped against his boot.

Ray and Brock exchanged a look knowing just by that action and the noise he made that they had a battle on their hands, one that they were unprepared for, and one that they did not have the energy to deal with as they wanted nothing more then to get back to their little brother and get some sleep but Sonny was their brother too and he clearly needed them even if he did not want them. "You want to tell us what has got you so fired up?" Brock decided to throw caution to the wind hoping to speed the process along.

Sonny clenched his jaw tightly, grinding his teeth, and wishing for a toothpick but he did not have one on him. "Nothin'." He grunted out desperately wishing for another bottle of rum, hell he would take just about anything if it meant he did not have to deal with his feelings.

"Sonny Quinn loves Gucci deployments usually but not this one. Come on brother, you are moody as hell, shutting everyone out, turning away from Clay when he clearly needs us, and outside the wire drinking on your own." Ray laid out the facts; it was either going to piss Sonny off to make him talk or make him hit him. Never, not once, had Ray seen Sonny turn away from Clay. After all, he had seen the Texan go to the ends of the earth for Clay, for all of them before.

Sonny clenched his jaw tighter and his entire body flooded with anger. Anger towards everything. He did not need all his mistakes being pointed out to him and he sure as hell did not need Ray to be the one doing it. "He was the one who did it to himself." Sonny growled out although he immediately wished that he could take it back as he did not mean it at all.

Brock frowned at the bitter statement then felt angry at the way his brother was acting, disappointed even. "Wow, Sonny, do you really think he did what he did today for himself? How can you not see the wider implications of today?" Brock would not stay quiet, not when Sonny was blaming Clay for struggling.

Sonny turned his head towards Brock and squinted wondering what the hell he was going on about. "Wider what?" He drawled really wishing he had held off drinking the last of the rum.

"Implications, wider implications Sonny!" Brock raised his voice emphasising the words. "The kid shared a part of himself with us today without really realising it, and inadvertently put himself through hell because of it, all because he wanted to spread a little joy and make those little kids smile." Brock explained slowly as if Sonny had trouble comprehending his words.

Ray nodded at Brock's words agreeing completely with them. "We all have things that hit us when we least expect it brother." He started then paused trying to figure out the best way to word his next sentence. "I think having four year old Benji completely and implicitly trust you hit you harder than you expected especially when you had to hand him over after we landed, and I think having to watch Mandy tell him that his parents had died hurt you because you saw and felt his sadness." As far as Ray could ascertain, that was when Sonny's mood had fouled or at least it was where it stemmed from.

Sonny stood up abruptly ignoring the slight sway that came with the sudden movement as he lifted his hands to his head and placed them on top of his head as he took a few steps forward so that he was standing in the middle of the abandoned road with his back to his brothers. Sonny swore he felt his heart crack as his eyes welled which he fought hard to ignore and stop all at the same time. "Do you think Clay was like Benji?" His voice petered out.

Ray and Brock who had been watching their brother whilst they waited him out were both equally surprised at Sonny's question. "What do you mean Sonny?" Brock asked leaning forward a little, tilting his head to the side, as he tried to see his face but it was no use.

"Do you think that Clay once had that implicit trust in strangers like Benji did?" Sonny had no idea what compelled him to ask really but it was at the forefront of his mind. He could picture a little Clay looking up at a stranger with those big blue eyes with nothing but implicit trust, and he could see the comparison between him and Benji. "I watched him today, its all I did, and he knew what those kids needed because he needed it once too, I guess."

Brock felt as his jaw dropped as Sonny's assertion and while he had not wanted to presume he did tend to agree that it made sense. He looked over at Ray who looked equally as stunned by Sonny's comparison between the two, and which somehow had them floundering for a response. They each had their own ideas about Clay's childhood, the parts that they did not know, but it was not something they spoke about often or at all however clearly it was something that was firmly rattling around in Sonny's head.

Ray knew that he had spoken to Naima at length in the privacy of their home about his suspicions about Clay's childhood a few times in the past but hearing Sonny's thought made him feel like he had been hit in the stomach as it coiled tightly. "I think Clay trusts us implicitly now brother and I think he needs us now." It was the best that Ray could come up with.

Sonny's shoulders dropped as Ray's word hit him and he felt like he had failed his little brother just like he had failed Benji. "I failed them." In the silence of the street the words could just barely be heard but they were.

"Failed who brother?" Brock asked as he leaned forward knowing that it was best not to approach Sonny just yet.

"Both of them, I failed both of them." Sonny bowed his head forward as he let his hands drop from his head as he turned around to face Brock and Ray hoping that the darkness would conceal his glassy eyes.

"You didn't fail either of them brother. Benji got to go home with his grandparents who will do everything they can in their power to make sure he knows who his parents were and how much they loved him. You were with him when he needed you brother." Ray paused seeing that he had hit it spot on as Sonny's chest hitched but he had no idea where to start with Clay.

Brock could see the struggle that Ray was having to continue and he knew that Benji had been covered which just left Clay. "You know one of the best things about our little brother Sonny? He has the amazing ability to forgive. He may not be the best at explaining himself but he lets us in by other means. He shows us parts of him because he trusts us. Not once have you ever failed him, not tonight, not in Manila, never." Brock knew that mentioning Manila was wondering dangerously close to dangerous territory but he knew that Sonny still struggled with Manila like they all did as it had scarred them all.

Sonny's shoulders folded inwards as his whole body convulsed as he let out a sob unwillingly hating the memory that flashed through his mind at the mere mention of Manila as he could still vividly recall the vacant look in Clay's eyes when he reached him moments after the bomb tore his leg apart. He covered his face with his hands as he breathed deeply desperately trying to stop himself from being an emotional mess.

It took only a second before Ray and Brock had crossed the short distance from the gutter to their brother, kneeling down on either side of him with their hands on his shoulders. "It's okay brother." Ray kept his voice soft knowing that Sonny hated to be seen as weak but it was not weakness that he was exhibiting. Sonny felt strongly, had a heart of gold, but he always tried to keep it hidden under those dense layers that he liked to keep around himself.

Brock waited for a few moments letting Sonny compose himself although they would all keep quiet and let him blame it on the rum. "You want to go see our little brother?" Brock was keen to get back and he just hoped that Sonny was agreeable to it sooner rather than later.

Sonny inhaled deeply as he nodded feeling somewhat lighter although the rum was causing him some issues as it definitely did not sit well on an empty stomach.

"Alright, up you get." Ray could feel the relief he felt and he could see Brock's as he shuffled back and rose up onto his feet with Brock mirroring his actions before they both helped to haul Sonny up off of the ground.

SEAL TEAM

Jason looked up as the door opened feeling a momentarily rush of relief flow through him as the door opened and in stepped Brock who was quickly followed by Sonny and then Ray although Sonny looked a little worse for wear but Jason knew when to pick his battles and now was not the time as the last thing he wanted was to upset Sonny and in turn wake Clay when he was finally resting peacefully.

"He okay?" Brock pointed towards the intravenous drip that had saline flowing through the tubing freely into Clay's body knowing that it had not been there when he and Ray had left.

Trent could see the concern shining bright in Brock's eyes although he knew some of the concern was alleviated by the fact that Cerb was still at Clay's side and that he, Jason and Lisa were watching over him. "Had a headache and is a little bit dehydrated but he is fine." Trent kept it brief knowing that it was not exactly what Brock was asking. Yes, Brock was asking about the intravenous drip but he was asking more than that.

Jason smiled at his team, at how they rallied around, before he looked back at Clay who was still asleep.

Sonny had stopped a few feet away from the end of the bed and shifted his weight from side to side as he took in the sight in front of him seeing Clay was sleeping peacefully while Lisa sat on one side of him with his hand clutched tightly in her own while Cerb was curled up in between his legs. He swallowed thickly feeling as though his mouth had suddenly gone dry and he was regretting drinking the entire bottle of rum as he took in the sight of his little brother seeing that he was paler than usual and he had dark circles beneath his eyes.

There was nothing that they could do except stay as quiet as possible and let Clay sleep while making sure that he did not suffer from another nightmare for the rest of the night so they settled down around the room all within a close distance of him just in case they were needed.