Forced To Grow Up – Ray Perry
Emma sat at the very same intersection that her mother died, sat in the exact same place that her father had in the days following the accident with the only difference being was that she was not counting the cars that went through the intersection. She was watching but unseeing. She inhaled deeply feeling as her lungs expanded until they were full before she slowly let the air out as she tried to get a handle on the emotions that were coursing through her. She knew she was in the wrong, knew the moment she went too far when her Dad dropped the façade he had so carefully constructed momentarily but it was enough for her to see the hurt she had caused him inadvertently, she had not meant to but everything had spiralled, she was spiralling and she had no idea how to fix any of it so instead she had taken it out on him. She let out a stuttered breath wishing she had walked away before she had exploded, wishing that her Dad had not pushed her buttons to get her to open up to him, and wishing that she could erase the memory of what she had said but she knew she couldn't and she knew she had to apologise but she could just not bare to move off of the wall as she stared out over the intersection wondering what her Mom's final moments were like.
SEAL TEAM
The frantic call from Jason had set Ray and Naima on edge and although the details were light on what had happened all that Ray knew was that they had fought and that Emma had left, disappeared was the word Jason used, as he admitted he let her go so she could cool off but it had been hours and she still had not returned nor had she answered any calls or texts. Naima had stayed with Jameelah and RJ after Ray had promised to find and bring Emma home but that was no easy task especially when no one had seen her, none of her friends or her extended adopted family had seen or heard from her, and he was running out of places to look knowing that it would only be thirty minutes at most before the sun had finished setting.
Ray had no idea what had propelled him towards the intersection but Emma was very much like Jason, and the feeling of relief that surged through him was unexplainable as he pulled into the parking lot, turned off the car and climbed out making sure to send a quick text to Jason and Naima that he had found her although he kept details light and did not commit to setting a time to have her home. He stayed still for a few moments wondering if she would turn and look towards him having felt his gaze on her but when she did not avert her eyes he moved towards her. The wistful yet heartbroken look on her face made him swallow hard as he had never seen her look so devastated, not even when Alana had died, and she had been truly devastated then. The other thing that struck Ray was how similar she and Jason were.
Ray lifted himself up onto the wall so that he was sat right next to Emma who gave the tiniest flicker of acknowledgement as she briefly glanced at him before she turned her eyes back to the intersection. "You want to tell me what happened?" He asked keeping his voice soft hoping that it would propel her to talk. Instead all he got was silence. "I found your Dad here once just after Alana died, he had been sat here for hours watching the cars go by endlessly. It was making him spin out." It was a different approach and he silently hoped that he was not making things worse.
"I know." Emma whispered although he could still hear the hoarseness in her words as she choked back a sob trying her damnedest to focus on the ever changing traffic lights.
Ray was slightly surprised by Emma's admission that she knew that Jason had spent time sitting on the very same wall after Alana's death, and it kind of caught him off guard. "You want to tell me what bought you here today kiddo?"
A sob tore loose from Emma's lips, one that she just could not contain, as her eyes filled with tears and they spilled down her cheeks silently. "I haven't been called kiddo in a long time." There was a humourless laugh that came out at the end of her sentence but Ray could hear the sadness in that.
"You were forced to grow up way to soon Emma. It has not been fair, is not fair." Ray knew how hard she tried to be the person that Mikey needed, that Jason needed, that everyone else needed all without overstepping boundaries but in amongst all of that effort they all had forgotten that she was just a kid herself trying to find her own way in the world. The responsibilities placed on her shoulders due to Alana's death were monumental and not ones that she should have had.
Emma's shoulders dropped and she hunched forward as she continued to watch as the lights changed from green to orange to red all within the course of a few seconds. A few seconds was all it took for her entire life to change, a few seconds of idiocy and her whole world was turned upside down, and there was nothing that could be changed by that. "Is Dad okay?" She asked softly knowing he would have been the one to call Ray to go in search of her, or more likely he had called to see if Naima could watch Mikey while he searched for her but Ray would have been the voice of reason telling him to stay with Mikey while he offered to go out in search of her,
"He's fine, worried about you, but fine." Ray was as honest as he could be as he still did not have all of the facts.
Emma huffed. "That's the problem, he is always fine." There was a spark of resentment that came out of nowhere but as quickly as it ignited it went out. "I told him I hated him. That I wished it had been him instead of Mom because she would know how to do everything." The words were still just as bitter tasting as when she had first shouted them at him. "I don't think I have ever seen him so hurt, not by me. I mean I have seen him hurt but I have never been the one to cause it." She rushed out as the guilt she felt surged within her. "I didn't mean it, I don't even know why I said it." She whispered regretfully.
Ray blinked a few times as he looked at Emma feeling the weight of her words even though they had not been aimed at him.
"We were fighting." Emma offered another glimpse into what had happened to cause her to lash out. "Mikey is being a picky eater lately and Dad lets him away with it not realising how hard it makes everything when he is with you guys on a mission or a deployment for me with Mikey." She closed her eyes and exhaled harshly before she opened her eyes and looked at him. "I needed him to support me on this, I needed him to tell Mikey that he needed to eat the dinner that I had worked so hard on making in between everything else that I had going on today. Instead he said it did not matter and that Mikey could have whatever he wanted."
Ray knew how hard it was to deal with a picky eater as Jameelah was going through the same phase as Mikey apparently, and he knew that he and Naima had agreed on having a united front that she was to eat what everyone else ate, that they would not pander to her demands or reinforce her tantrums when she did not get her way. The difference was Mikey was a lot older and would easily be smart mouthed enough to throw it in Emma's face that Jason had not made him eat the meal she had made so he did not have too. Yeah, Ray could understand the point that she was making. "And it spiralled from there, didn't it?" He already knew the answer but wanted confirmation as it sounded like there were wrong doings from both sides.
Emma gave him a shaky nod as she refused to let another sob break loose from her throat as she swallowed thickly trying to get a handle of her avalanche of emotions that seemed to want to assault her endlessly for the moment. "It is like everything just became so overwhelming from the day Mom died, and I lost control. I don't really know how it came to all of this. It feels like everything is going wrong." She sniffled and pressed her sleeve covered hand to her mouth as soon as she was finished speaking as she had not meant to verbalise that.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Ray suspected the answer already but she was talking and he wanted her to continue as it seemed like she needed it.
Emma watched as the traffic lights went through another sequence as she tried to work out how to articulate herself but it seemed pointless as she just could not find the right way to answer his question without making a mess of it so she stopped trying and decided to let the words tumble messily from her lips as she dropped her sleeve covered hand back down into her lap. "I didn't want him to lose another part of himself, did not want him to become a shell like he had. I didn't realise I was losing myself though, it just happened so gradually that I did not see it until now. I wanted to be there for him and Mikey, be the strong one, be the woman that Mom, that they, raised me to be but it's just so hard every single day." She paused and moved her hand to wipe at the tears that were once again sliding down her cheeks freely. "I do not want him to be disappointed in me. I do not want him to worry. I do not want him to have any more regrets than he already does, he lives with enough of those – he lives with enough regrets and ghosts."
Ray swallowed thickly at Emma's last words 'regrets and ghosts' hating how accurately she had described what Jason lived with, what they all lived with. "Emma, kiddo, you have never once disappointed him and you never will. Believe me Emma, he is so proud of you." He paused giving her a few moments for it to sink in before he continued. "He is always going to worry and as much as I hate to say it but that is something you are going to have to live with. One day you will understand that part a lot more than you do now. As parent's it is our job to worry about our children and it does not matter if you are newly born into the world or old and grey, we are always going to worry; its kind of in the part of the parent code that you never think will happen to you even though everyone tells you that you will. Trust me kiddo, you are always going to be his little girl that he has to take care of, that is never ever going to change." He wanted to make sure she listened to him. "You don't have to be everything to everyone Emma, trust me that is the quickest way to burn yourself out." It was important she knew that, that she understood that.
Emma shook her head as she sniffled once again fighting the tears that kept falling despite how much she willed them to stop. "I was always Dad's, and Mikey was always Mom's." That fact weighed heavily on her mind a lot more than she wished to acknowledge and far to often. "Losing Dad was and is still a real possibility just as it always has been. Mom had contingencies in place for me because she knew it would break me but we didn't have a contingency in place for Mikey losing her." Emma didn't mean to sound as if Mikey would not be devastated if Jason died but it would be a different sort of grief for her.
Ray wanted desperately to fix everything but it simply was not possible. "What contingencies did Alana have in place?" It was the only thing that Ray could think to say, to ask, as he silently wondered whether Naima had similar precautions and contingency plans in place.
Emma swiped at her face again catching the falling tears with her fingertips before she looked at Ray. "Stupid little things really, she kept things that she knew I would want, that I loved, that would be meaningless to anyone else, and she took lots of photos but not just of me and Dad and Mikey but everyone." She was referring to the album that contained photographs with all of the extended family with her and Mikey. "But all Mikey got was photos and memories. It's not like he can wear her jewellery or get away with wearing one of her sweaters because it makes him feel close to her and safe." The unfairness was stark as were the differences as Emma occasionally found herself wearing one of her Dad's old Philadelphia Eagles hoodies when he was out doing what he loved and she needed the familiar and safe comfort that it provided her.
Ray could understand what Emma was saying as the stark reality of just how much two kids had lost with the death of their mother really set in. "Come here Emma." He said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into him. She did not resist as she leaned towards him and rested her head down on his shoulder as she continued to watch the last of the traffic with the last few moments of the sun. "You are doing real well Emma." He murmured softly feeling as she wept softly as she kept wiping her face.
Emma wanted to tell Ray that it did not feel like it but she decided against it as she had already given him enough to worry about although she had to admit that it felt good to say it to someone who remained relatively impassive although she still had to face her Dad which she was not ready for but she knew she could not avoid.
Ray felt as Emma shivered against him realising that she wore nothing more than a light long sleeved top and a pair of jeans. "How about we get out of here? Go to the diner that I know you love and get something to eat before I take you home?" He wanted to get her out of the cold but figured that she was not ready to go home however he was not about to let her out of his sight.
Emma righted herself feeling as the cold night air wrapped around her bare skin especially once she was no longer against Ray. "I have to go home and face Dad sooner rather than later." She was mature and hated feeling like she was tied to a lead weight as the guilt was still bubbling within her.
Ray smiled sadly wondering if he would ever see the carefree weightless Emma that he once knew but he knew he would not because everything had changed just like she had said it had. "Yeah you do but the fact that you realise that shows how much you want to make things better however you need to eat and maybe we can talk about what you want to say to him." He assured her wanting to give her some more time even though he suspected that Jason was probably going out of his mind with worry despite getting the message that he had found her and that she was safe. "You can even get an ice cream sundae if you eat all your dinner."
Emma laughed at Ray's blatant attempt to bribe her but it felt good even as tears still worked their way down her cheeks. "Ice cream sundae, really? You are bribing me with ice cream" She asked smiling and watching as he coyly looked away realising what he had done.
"Come on you. It's getting cold out here." Ray jumped down from the bench before he turned back and held his hand out to Emma who gracefully accepted it and with his help got down from the wall before she allowed him to lead her to his car.
SEAL TEAM
Ray shook his head as Emma smiled widely as the huge vanilla ice cream sundae with sliced strawberries and lashings of whipped cream, sprinkles and caramel sauce was placed down in front of her, after all she had eaten all of her burger and fries so he had to pay up on his bribe. She had been largely silent on the car ride over and all throughout the waiting and the meal but he could see that she was gearing up to say something as she got the same look that Jason did when he was getting ready to say something. The similarity in their mannerisms were uncanny but Ray knew better than to comment on that.
Emma picked up her spoon and scooped up a spoonful of the ice cream making sure to get a bit of all of the toppings on it before she placed it in her mouth. She was grateful that Ray had not pushed for her to talk but she could see he was getting impatient and struggling to contain himself. "It's a fine line, you know, trying to be a guardian and a sister all at once, and then Dad comes home and I have to step back, let him be the parent. It's hard to make the switch." It was true because when her Dad was away it was her who was in charge of Mikey and making sure he was cared for but when her Dad was home than she got to drop some of the responsibilities just for a moment but it was hard to switch back and forth between the two roles without having them crossover.
Ray remained impassive as he thought over what Emma had said, and he quickly came to the conclusion that he could understand what she was saying. "Your Dad is an incredibly smart man but, and if you ever repeat this I will deny it, he can be incredibly dense and blind sometimes."
Emma scoffed even as she smiled before she had another spoonful of her sundae. "Some would class it as stupid at times." She knew it was coming from a place of love as Ray was one of her Dad's oldest and most trusted friends and brothers which is why she took no offense to it.
Ray chuckled even as he shook his head. "He is kind of like a racehorse sometimes, gets a set of blinders on him, and can't see what is right in front of him." The analogy would probably come back to bite him but for the moment he did not care. Jason was a great leader, a brilliant tactical mind, but sometimes he could be dense to the things that were happening around and in front of him. And while he would never purposefully neglect his own family, he might not have been aware of all of the realities that his departure had each and every time, no matter the length of time. "He needs to be told Emma, needs to have it laid out to him in plain no nonsense terms. And he may not like it at first but he will think about it, let it settle, and figure something out." He was encouraging her to be open and honest with Jason, to lay everything out, and work the problem for lack of a better term.
"I think that is what I am afraid of… of him figuring something out or rather what that will be." Emma admitted quickly without a second thought before she dug her spoon into the scoop of ice cream and made sure she got a large spoonful with a lot of fresh strawberry pieces with it. She finished her mouthful and stabbed the spoon into the middle of the half eaten sundae momentarily. "I don't want him to think he needs to change things."
"Then what do you want? What do you want from him, from Mikey, and for yourself?" Ray asked quickly realising it might have sounded as though he was applying pressure for her to have all of the answers but it simply was not the case instead he wanted her to think about herself for once.
Emma looked down at the ice cream sundae suddenly thinking she needed a lot more ice cream to get through the conversation with Ray before she even tackled her Dad but she knew it would not help. The tricky thing was she did not know what she wanted, not really, not after the whirlwind that it had been. She twirled the spoon around in the ice cream mixing it all together, taking a spoonful here and there, as she tried to begin somewhere.
Ray rested back in the seat watching as Emma alternated between playing with her ice cream and taking small mouthfuls as she pondered his questions. God, sometimes she really was the spitting image of Jason, Ray thought but wisely kept to himself once more.
Emma glanced up at Ray seeing him sitting pensively before she let her eyes flicker around the diner that was surprisingly empty for the time of night before she looked back at him. "I don't know, not really." She shrugged weakly as she was tired, mentally and emotionally wrung out, and then there was the physical tiredness that she could feel deep in her bones. "I'm tired Uncle Ray." It was the softest admission yet but it was by far the easiest.
Ray lent his arms on the table and folded them over in front of him as he took in Emma as she continued to swirl the spoon through her sundae in between eating mouthfuls of it. "Tell him that, tell him what you feel, and tell him what you need for you and from him Emma." He paused and let out a sigh. "We aren't very good Emma." He caught her raised eyebrow and quizzical expression that was levelled his way. "Whether we want to admit it or not there are so many things that we cannot talk about then that secrecy kind of bleeds into every aspect of our lives whether we mean for it to or not." He was including himself in that knowing there were times when he did not communicate and it was not because he could not find the words but because he reverted to what the Navy had engrained in him, in all of them. "It is not something we always realise we are doing, and it is not always intentional." There were times when it was intentional as they did not need to scare their loved ones with some of the horrible things they saw and that scarred them invisibly. "What I am saying is that sometimes we all need to have our heads pulled out of our asses."
Emma smiled sadly before she looked around the diner knowing that the admission would not have been easy for him but it made sense as it was a logical way of looking at the affect certain parts of their job had on the rest of their lives, and how it bled through which was far more fitting than it should have been. "Maybe I need to be included in that not very good at communicating category." She shrugged knowing that she and her Dad were always opposite, when he wanted to talk she did not, and when she did he did not. "After all I did learn from the best."
Ray chuckled at that admission despite how rough it was to hear that Emma felt that she could not communicate properly. "I would be happy to stay and mediate, or Naima would if you prefer." He found himself offering seeing that the ice cream sundae was almost finished.
Emma appreciated the offer, she really did, but she could not rely on people to mediate every time she wanted to talk to her Dad. "I think this is something Dad and I need to do by ourselves but thank you." She pushed the now empty bowl away from her, letting the spoon rest with a soft clunk down in it. "I'd like to go home if that's alright?"
"Come on, let me get the bill, and then I will take you home." Ray was already pulling out a wad of cash to cover the bill and the tip for their food, relieved that Emma was asking to go home. What that would bring he had no idea but hopefully it would stop the two from worrying about the other momentarily.
SEAL TEAM
Ray watched from inside his car as Emma slowly made her way up the front path to the house where Jason was standing at the door clearly unsure how she would react to him, but Ray watched as Emma pressed herself into Jason and he wrapped her tightly in his arms. With that Ray pulled away from the curb knowing that they would be okay for the rest of the night but he made a mental note to talk to Jason once he had spoken to Emma to make sure that things righted themselves.
Emma snuggled in closer to her Dad so relieved that he was holding and hugging her just as tightly even as she heard Ray drive away. "I'm sorry Dad, I didn't mean it, any of it, I shouldn't have said it." Emma rushed out choking back a sob before she pressed her face into her father's chest.
Jason was so relieved to have Emma in his arms hugging her that he barely heard her apology and he barely caught it. "Shush sweetheart, I know, it's okay. I know you didn't mean it." He managed to pull himself back from her just enough to raise his hand up and wipe the falling tears but it was not hard to see the evidence that she had been crying before as her eyes were badly bloodshot and she had tear tracks down her face that were not fresh. "Let's go inside sweetheart, I don't want you to get sick." The night air was bitterly cold and really the last thing he wanted was for Emma to get sick as he had done a lot of thinking since he had gotten the text message that Ray had found her. He had realised a few things and suspected that there was more he had to learn for him to have the complete picture.
"Okay." Emma swallowed thickly as she was freezing especially given the flimsy top that she was wearing as she very slowly unwrapped herself from him and moved past him into the house quickly kicking off her shoes and planting herself down on the end of the couch. She watched Jason as he closed and locked the door then made his way over to her but before he sat down he reached out and grasped the blanket over the back of the couch then draped it around her shoulders. "I'm sorry Dad, I really am." She felt she needed to apologise again as she still felt terrible for the things she had said in the heat of the moment.
Jason shook his head not wanting her to apologise again. "I was wrong to Em." It was not an admission that was easy to make but he was man enough to admit that he had made a mistake or a few. "I forget sometimes how hard things are because you make it all so easy for me sweetheart even though you should not have had too."
Emma chewed on her lip for a few seconds before she looked at her Dad slightly unsettled by his words. "It doesn't feel like it Dad." She paused as she sniffled and once again used her sleeve covered hand to wipe her face. "Uncle Ray made a couple of pretty valid points tonight." Her voice was quiet but he heard her.
"Yeah, he is pretty damned good at being logical. Gonna share them with me?" Jason asked as he relaxed back into the couch still looking at her grateful that she was talking to him instead of shouting at him.
Emma smiled for a moment before she became serious again as she could see the exasperation that came from her Dad at Ray being right again. "Pointed out that we are both not really great at communicating… But he has a point. I should have told you what bothered me about tonight instead of throwing a tantrum and storming off causing you to worry."
Jason really hated when Ray was right, well sometimes he did. "You snapped Em, you did not throw a tantrum. We all snap sometimes sweetheart, we don't mean to but we do." It was a justification but he could see the guilt that was weighing heavily on his eldest child, his only daughter, and he did not want that for her. "But I would really like to listen if you want to tell me."
Emma sighed knowing that she had to figure out what to say otherwise nothing would be resolved and that would leave her feeling even worse but as she had said to Ray she still was not sure exactly what to say or how to say it without upsetting him. "I rushed home to cook dinner for us and you let Mikey not eat it because he did not want it because he is going through one of his picky phases right now instead you let him have something else." She paused as she rubbed at her face again as she could see the look of confusion that appeared on his face. "I know it was unintentional but you undermined me tonight by doing that, and that simple dismissal makes it harder when you are away because Mikey all to happily throws it back at me that you did not make him do something." She reasoned trying to explain without going into to many details but trying to give him some context.
Jason let out a harsh breath as he suddenly realised the implication of his actions. "I didn't think Em, I am sorry. I did not think about how it could be used against you, did not think that Mikey would do something like that. I will talk to him, tell him that what you say goes when I am working, and you and me will work on making sure we are on the same page." He was not naïve enough to think that Emma and Mikey would not clash, after all it was a lot of changes bought on so suddenly that it made his head spin let alone theirs, but he hoped that Mikey would be mature enough to respect that Emma was in charge when he was away.
Emma shook her head from side to side as she let her body fall into the cushions of the couch so that she was still facing her Dad sideways. "You know he was hers Dad." She saw the moment her Dad blanched at her words and she hated that she had been the one to cause it. "It's different for him because he does not have the contingencies that Mom had for me if you were the one."
Jason felt as a pit formed in his stomach having only learned some of the little things that Alana had done in the event of his death for the kids so that he always remained with them, so that they always had reminders of him but Emma was right as there was barely anything of Alana's and certainly none of the special little things like that she had kept of his. He was also aware enough to know that Mikey had been a Momma's boy and that had been so cruelly and so abruptly taken away from him; the world was cruel. "I know Em, I know all of that." It was a bit more defensive than he meant it to sound before he took a deep breath in then let it out. There were so many conflicting emotions that bubbled to the surface as Jason missed Alana more in the moment but then again if Alana had not have died then they would not have been in the positions they were.
"I miss her too Dad. I have these moments where I still look for her too, kind of still expect to walk into the kitchen and see her in there sometimes."
"I know you do sweetheart, so do I." Jason could see the dark circles beneath Emma's eyes and suddenly wondered how he had missed noticing them before. "Come here Em." He moved his arm exposing his side so that she could rest against him just like she did when she was little. "We can talk more in the morning when you are not so tired."
Emma smiled softly as she scooted across the couch and cuddled into her Dad's side as she rested her head on his shoulder letting her eyelids close as she relaxed into him.
"I love you Em, so much sweetheart." Jason whispered before he kissed the top of her head content to have her beside him.
"Love you Dad." Emma mumbled sleepily but it made Jason smile. There would be time to talk in the morning but for now a bit of sleep was what Emma needed, and Jason needed to hold his daughter close like he did when she was little.
SEAL TEAM
Ray closed the door behind him, kicked off his shoes, quietly put his keys down on the kitchen counter top, then made his way over to the couch and practically collapsed down into it as he scrubbed his hands over his face feeling the exhaustion set in. Ray hadn't even realised that he had closed his eyes until he opened them as he felt as Naima sat down next to him.
"You look like you have the weight of the world on you honey." Naima spoke softly as she placed her hand on his chest letting it rest there.
Ray raised his hand up and covered Naima's over his chest as he rolled his neck to the side so that he was facing her. "Emma made me think about some things."
There was something unsettling in the way Ray spoke that had Naima alarmed. "Like what?" She asked hoping he would tell her without her having to draw it out of him.
Ray fumbled as he was not sure how to ask what he wanted to ask although he desperately wanted to know. "Do you, have you…" He paused and shook his head as if he was clearing his thoughts wondering why he was having so much trouble asking. "Do you have a plan, I mean one like Alana had, if I were to die for the kids?" No one ever wanted to think about what would happen to their partners and their children if they were to die but given the high chance of mortality in his job he knew it was a possibility.
Naima moved her other hand to the back of Ray's head as her arm rested along the top of the couch as she let her fingers run smoothly over his neck. She frowned lightly at why Ray sounded so determined yet terrified of the answer, and it was not very often that he stumbled over his words. She knew that Emma and her husband must have had a pretty heavy conversation and she wished she had some context but she did not so she was going in blind. "There are little things we do subconsciously that most other wives and Mom's would not but they are just so that the kids have keepsakes and memories in a physical form if the worst were to happen." Somehow it was engrained in military wives and mom's to do that, it was something that she had been advised of even before she had fallen pregnant with Jameelah, and it was something she had taken to heart at the time but Alana's sudden death had made her appreciate it more and include herself in the storing of keepsakes and physical things that induced special memories.
"Like what?" Ray asked hurriedly wanting to know.
Naima was not surprised at the question. "We take more photos, treasure the moments that others capture and ask for copies of those photos and videos. We keep certain things that you might decide to donate or throw away like a shirt or a sweatshirt. We make notes on certain dates of the things you did with the kids or things that will make them proud when they are old enough to understand. It's a whole lot of little things that seem unimportant but could mean a lot to them if anything were to happen." She knew that there was more she could add but she did not want to overwhelm him as she was sure he understood what sort of things she saved. "After Alana died, I started to make sure that things of mine were included, and sometimes when I am home alone and the kids are in bed, I write them letters or notes. I have a notebook for each of them. It's not all the time but it's just something I do when I feel I want to say something to them that they are to young to appreciate or remember now. They may never read them but I know that if anything were to happen to me than they will have that." She was not sure how he would react to finding out that but he had a right to know and not be blindsided like Jason was by the contingencies that Alana had in place at the time of her untimely death.
Once again Naima managed to catch Ray off guard with her admission that she had prepared for her own death after Alana's but a part of him was also relieved that she had the foresight to plan for both eventualities instead of just one although he wished she did not have to plan for either. The thought of losing his wife was almost too much to bare as the pain flared in his chest momentarily. He swallowed thickly and drew in a deep breath before he exhaled slowly. "I love you baby." He pressed his forehead against hers for a few seconds as the storm within him settled for the moment.
"I love you too Ray." Naima was quick to respond knowing he needed to hear it as it was clear to her that his conversation with Emma had left him troubled or at least had given him some heavy thinking to do. She tried to stifle the yawn that she felt coming but she couldn't as it escaped her lips.
"Go to bed baby, I will be in shortly." Ray did not want to keep her up any longer than she had been already as she had been up early for her shift at the hospital then had spent the afternoon and evening chasing around the kids.
Naima leaned forward and kissed Ray softly before she pulled back and withdrew her hands from him sensing that he needed a few moments to himself to sort through the storm of emotions that were waging war inside of him fighting to be on top. She stood up and moved out of the lounge heading for the bedroom.
Ray watched as Naima walked away before he let his head fall back against the couch cushions wondering what he could do to make sure that in the event of his death that his children would remember him, something that was different, as the last thing he wanted to do was leave his wife and children floundering like Alana had left Jason and their kids, but he knew he did not have to come up with an answer right now. Instead he pushed himself to his feet and moved to check on his kids, Jameelah first then RJ, who were both asleep in their own beds peacefully before he continued to make his way through the house until he crawled into bed with his wife knowing that there would be more to discuss in the coming days and as selfish as it sounded he was glad that Emma had opened up to him because it had given him insight into what he wanted for his own kids should he or Naima die.