I was staring up at the ceiling of my room. It was catching my attention for no apparent reason. I think it might be the patterns formed by nature. Its many hues of browns and tans seemed to form swirls and lines across the uneven ceiling of the room. It soothes me and let me think and let my mind wander. It has been a week since I celebrated my birthday with the Autobots. It helped in a way they may not be aware of. It helped me feel better, that I'm not alone in the world and Unicron is an idiot. Thoughts started to drift through my mind that had no link with each other.
Images from the past started to form in my minds eye. Along with memories of being in a whole family, with no war wreaking everything I knew and loved apart. I hated how things turned out. I just wish I could go back in time and fix everything. Then things would've been better, I think. Not really. If I could go back in time and I changed the course of things, would I still meet Starscream? Or Smokescreen? Or Bumblebee? Would father still have met mother? Would Bladedancer and I even be alive?
I shook my head to clear those thoughts. There was no possibility of going back in time. I can only go forward and look towards the future. Even though I may not be able to change the past, I can shape the future. With this thought in mind, my inner turmoil faded. I summoned a small flame of blue and started to play around and fiddle with it. Just then I heard footsteps approach my door. I quickly snuffed out the flame with a flick of my wrist and sat up as I heard a knock on my door.
"Come in," I said.
The door opened and in came Arcee. She looked at me and sat down.
"You seem more quiet than usual. Something on your mind?" Arcee asked.
"Yeah… I guess. I just… wish… I could… go back in time… and just… stop the war from… you know… happening," I replied.
Arcee gave me a concerned look and placed a hand on my shoulder. I sighed and looked down at my pedes and tail. My wings droop dejectedly.
"Do you really want to change the past?" Arcee whispered gently.
"I… don't know… I just wish… that this never happened and then… people wouldn't be gone… people that I used to know that… I care and love… I just want to see them again so badly… to be able to be with them and know that… they're ok and… alive… I know this sounds childish-"
"It's not childish. We all wish we could go back in time and change something at one point in our lives. Follow me, I want to show you something," Arcee said.
Before I could reply, Arcee stood up andgestured for me to follow her. I got up and followed her out the room. She led me up to the landing pad on the top of the place we were living in. There she sat down on next to a pile of rocks and gestured for me to sit down next to her. I did as I was told and sat down next to her.
"You see this pile?" Arcee asked.
I nodded.
"This is a memorial of Cliffjumper, someone who I used to know and care about," Arcee said.
She put a hand on one of the many rocks. I stayed silent and let her continue.
"He's gone now. Another partner lost to this war. I wish I could go back in time and save him. I wish he could be here with us, standing with us against the oncoming tides…" Arcee's voice cracked, "…but what's done is done. There is no going back."
She looked at the pile of stone and rocks caringly, like it Cliffjumper himself, and not a memorial of him.
"Hey, Arcee, if you had a chance to go back in time and save Cliffjumper, would you take it?" I asked.
Arcee shook her head.
"No," Arcee asked.
"Why? Why throw away the chance to see him alive and well, and being here with us?" I asked.
"Because that would not be what Cliff would have wanted. He would've wanted me to continue on with life. Not to be held back by what I wish I could've done to save him. The past is best to remain undisturbed. The future is what we need to be able to change and direct. To be honest, he is still around," Arcee replied.
"Where? I don't see him," I stated.
"He's here," she replied, pointing at her spark chamber, "those who you or I know or care about are always there. You just have to look deep enough. They are always with you in memories and soul. Sometimes, I can hear them if I look hard enough, they would be encouraging me, urging me onward, to never look back."
"Why can't I hear them? The people I miss?" I asked.
"You aren't looking hard enough. Maybe you can't hear them now, but maybe one day, you will hear them all," Arcee replied.
"Um… Arcee… did you have a partner before Cliffjumper? Uh… it's alright if you don't want to talk about it," I stammered.
I glanced down at my pedes. Arcee put a hand on my shoulder.
"It's alright. Since we are talking about these things, might as well tell it all. Yes, I did have a partner before Cliffjumper. His name was Tailgate. We were close friends. I miss them both," Arcee replied.
"I guess we all are broken in someway aren't we. I hated myself for every loss. I don't want to be close to anyone after those… tragedies. I really feel like it would be better if I was… alone. Maybe that… would lessen the probability of being hurt again," I said.
"Don't. Do you know what Cliffjumper once said to me? He said, 'Closing yourself off from feeling won't help anyone'. This is something that has been helping through the hardest times and I hope it will help you too," Arcee stated.
"I don't know… It just hurts… I miss them…" I whispered.
Tears started to blur my vision and slip down my face. I felt Arcee pull me into a hug. She didn't say a thing and just stroked my head. I cried. I never cried since Cybertron got destroyed. I let all my sorrows fall out like the tears falling off my face. I miss every single one of them. Mother, Ravage, Frenzy and his brother Rumble, along with many others. I just want to see them again, to be able to talk with them, to laugh, to spend another moment with them. I just want to be with them again.
"You know what Bluedragon? We miss them, but what's important is that we cherish the moments, the memories we have of them. Whoever you miss… I'm sure they want you to never look back with regret," Arcee whispered gently.
I finally stopped crying.