Olivia watched as Amanda became a few shades paler and swayed on her feet, saw her slip out of the office unnoticed and followed her down the corridor. Amanda rounded the corner and leaned against the wall. Her hand over her heart, her breathing ragged. She was shaking, and her eyes clenched shut.
"Rollins?" Olivia softly asks as she reached out to her and watches as the smaller woman violently flinches away. "Amanda? Are you okay?" She asks as she once again reaches out. Olivia has seen enough panic attacks and flashbacks to know she has to ground Amanda, however this time she leaves her hand for Amanda to grab on to which she does willingly.
Amanda can't get him out of her head, can hear his voice floating in her head, can see his face in her head, and she can't stop remembering the feel of his hands everywhere.
"You're okay Amanda I'm right here, keep your eyes open for me, okay?" Olivia says as Amanda clutches her hand tight as if begging her to help. "Okay I need you to slow your breathing down, this is my hand on your stomach, you know the drill I want you to breathe from your diaphragm okay. Make my hand move."
Amanda focused on Olivias voice, too panicked to be embarrassed to be the one on the receiving end of this attention. She attempts to tailor her breathing feeling the wall behind her, Olivias hand in hers and focuses on what she can hear. She's in the precinct in New York; the accents, the churning of the coffee machine, the buzzing of the vending machines and the sound of the New York traffic that always grounds her, she's miles away from him. She escaped! She is free!
Olivia watched as Amanda reached for the wall behind her attempting to ground herself, this could just be a well-trained sex crimes detective implementing grounding tactics, or it could be someone who is well experienced with flashbacks of their own. The latter seemed relevant. If Olivia was honest with herself, she knew Amanda had survived something awful. The junior detective had disclosed that something happened to her to Olivia when she first started. If Olivia was honest with herself, she had allowed her own emotions to cloud her judgment of the blonde disliking her before even getting to know her. When she had no reason to, she was good at her job, put the vic first and in all honesty, better detective than Amaro who she trusted instantly. She should have dug deeper, should have mentored the blonde and she sure as hell shouldn't have just ignored it. Shouldn't have dismissed the apparent signs that she was spiralling, becoming less level headed and should have stepped in when she saw that the blonde had very little trust in her co-workers. She saw the signs she chose to ignore it.
"You back with me?" Olivia asked after a few minutes of silence while Amanda stabilised her breathing. Amanda nodded as she removed her hand from the brunettes hold.
The younger detective was still slightly trembling, this case having quite the impact on her. Hell, it shook them all! A woman raped by a fellow officer, it was wrapped up pretty quickly the officer in question in holding, and the victim was physically okay and home with her family. It looked like he would strike a deal and they would be spared a trial. They were all in Cragen office going over the timeline with the DA before Amanda had left the room.
"Sorry," Amanda said as she ran her fingers underneath her eyes, trying to regain composure.
"Don't be. You want to stay here, and I'll go grab our stuff and drive you home?" Olivia asks as she looks around to see if anyone else had witnessed the blondes vulnerability.
"I can work!" Amanda argued though it was feeble. She was exhausted physically and mentally; they all were she concluded; however, the others didn't have to deal with the panic attacks, the nightmares and now the flashbacks on top of their workload.
"I know." Olivia said "but you don't have to I can tell Cragen you're ill. And you can go home and get some rest. It's okay to admit your exhausted you look it. Some cases hit harder than others, and we've all been there." Olivia explained soothingly. Amanda nodded her approval and headed into the restroom as Olivia headed back to the captains' office.
"Rollins okay?" He asked as soon as the door was closed.
"Yeah, I'm going to take her home if that's okay?" Olivia asked with a nod of her head.
"Should I be worried?" Cragen responded, Olivias obvious concern for her colleague worrying him. He'd never known them to be close or hell for them even to like one another.
"No, this case hit her hard. She's exhausted, she put a lot of effort into this case I don't think she looked after herself." She explained, "I'll let you know if that changes sir." She concludes.
"Should I send fin home with her maybe to stay with her, make sure she's okay," Cragen asked again now worried about Amanda's sobriety.
"No, I'll stay with her cap. She'll be okay." Olivia counters knowing her boss and finding his worry comforting, knowing they will always have them in their corner. Cragen nods his approval, and she leaves the room, fending off the other detectives' questions telling them Amanda is sick and she's taking her home. And refusing fins offer to drive Amanda home himself.
She finds Amanda still slightly shaky in the bathroom, her bangs slightly wet from splashing water on her face and her hands gripping tightly to the sink supporting her weight.
"Okay, Rollins lets get you home." She wraps her arm around the blonde's waist.
The blondes willingness to allow Olivia to physically help her out of the building and into her car, leaning on her heavily in the elevator to avoid falling to the ground was a testament to Amanda's exhaustion. This anxiety induced stupor was not new to the blonde it has happened a few times in her life. She isn't surprised after the panic she has felt lurking beneath the surface all day and the overall anxiety and nightmares that had increased tenfold in the past few weeks. She doesn't have the energy to be embarrassed or ashamed she feels too tired and numb to care that Olivia has got her into the car and put her seatbelt on, or that Olivia continues to watch her closely eyes full of concern on their drive home.
"Amanda?" Olivia asks softly checking to see if the blonde had fallen asleep.
"Hmmm?" Amanda replies her voice muffled with the exhaustion.
"We're here sweetheart let's get you upstairs, okay?" Olivia said, grabbing both purses and then putting her hand out to the blonde for her to take. Amanda again willingly does so almost in a trance, it's not until they're at the apartment door that she speaks again.
"I don't live here?" Amanda looks to Olivia, confused.
"No, I do," Olivia explained as she opened the door. "Let's get you to bed, okay?" Olivia softly tells as she leads the blonde inside. Her concern has reached a new high as she takes the silent blonde to her bedroom. Inviting her to sit down while she finds her something to wear. Pulling out an oversized t-shirt and hands it to the blonde who attempts to undo the buttons of her shirt, but it proves to hard a task.
"May I?" Olivia asks her hands reaching for the blonde's shirt, Amanda nods wanting nothing more than to just fall back into the nicely made bed. Olivia removed the shirt before unhooking the bra and pulling it out from under the top, removing the blondes slacks in one movement before tucking the blonde into bed.
"Do you want me to stay Amanda?" Olivia quietly asks as she tucks the blanket over the small blonde.
"Please?" Amanda asked her eyes glossy as she looks up at the brunette.
"Of course, lovely." She says as she slides into bed next to her. Holding her hand out to the blonde like she had earlier that day and her heart filled when the blonde grasped it tight. They sat in silence as Amanda fought sleep, her mind whirring with traumatic memories. Overwhelming her being with guilt.
"I couldn't tell anyone! liv I swear." Amanda mumbled as she scooted closer to the older detective. She seemed to be in a daze, her thoughts and reality merging. Her slightly slurred words conveying heavy guilt that shot a stab of pain through the brunette's heart.
"I know it's okay!" She hushed as she pulled the younger women to her chest, wrapping her arms around her, pulling her close.
...
Amanda woke alone a few hours later in Olivia Benson's bed. She could hear the TV in the other room checking her phone it was just gone 5 pm, she had to get home to Frannie. Replying to a text from her partner, she slipped out of Olivia's bed getting dressed back into her work clothes that Olivia had left folded on the chair at her door. It took Amanda a moment to look over the bedroom. It was very 'Olivia', beige and grey. The floor was clear of clutter and the 'decorative' chair that in any other women's bedroom would be piled high with laundry sat pristine in the corner. Amanda's apartment although well decorated and colourful, her front room always presented well, her bedroom was always a mess, and her bed was never made.
She shyly made her way to the living room, her face burning with embarrassment as she remembers her colleague putting her to bed and rocking her to sleep.
"Hey, honey, how are you feeling?" Olivia asked softly as she saw Amanda emerge from the bedroom.
"Better." She said with a soft smile, her eyes narrowing in the shoes at the front door.
"Uhm... I'm sorry bout earlier. Thanks for bringing me home." Amanda said as she headed towards the door.
"It was no problem, and we look after each other on this team. You don't have to leave Amanda. Stay let's talk, somethings clearly bothering you." Olivia said as she moved over slightly on the sofa. She saw Amanda preparing to escape Olivia's apartment.
"No liv, I have to go home to Frannie. Thanks again. I'm sorry again for earlier." Amanda said again as she got her shoes on, Olivia joining her at the door.
"Well at least let me drive you home?" Olivia said as she too reached for her shoes. She had to admit she was a bit disappointed at Amanda's unwillingness to stay and talk. But she was not surprised that the blonde was continuing on her path of isolation.
"That's not necessary.." Amanda began.
"The captain ordered me to take care of you, and letting you roam the city alone, would be ignoring a direct order." Olivia teases, she knew she was manipulating the situation. But it was for the better; it gave her at least a little time to get to see the blonde a bit better.
"Yeah, okay.. thanks" Amanda murmured as she followed the brunette down the stairs. Olivia headed to Amanda's new apartment after receiving the address from the blonde. The first few minutes in relative silence.
"So we don't know each other much do we, for how long we've worked together now. What is it almost two years?" Olivia says her tone casual as she observes the blondes uncomfortable manner, her back sat straight, and her hands clasped in her lap. A whole 360 from a few hours ago, when the blonde was sat, slumped in the front seat of Olivia's car shaking from exhaustion.
"No guess not." Amanda agreed. "Well, you met my Sister and know about my addiction. So I guess you know all about me," she stated slightly irritated, though she didn't know why Olivia prying into her life caused this level of anger to build in her chest.
"I'm sorry those things came to light the way they did Rollins," Olivia said her eyes on the road. "Believe me, no one is judging you for those, trust me. I'm in no position to judge anyone on addiction or family." Oliva said, opening up to the blonde. Amanda nodded softly.
"Well, Nick does." Amanda said with a small chuckle ", but he's a bit of a dick." She finished.
Olivia snorted in laughter in response "yeah, he is a bit." She agreed, enjoying the moment of happiness.
"So do you live alone, any boyfriends on the scene?" Olivia tried again to get Amanda to open up, slightly surprised to hear Amanda laugh loudly in response.
"Goodness liv, we really don't know each other do we?" She said with a smile. "Almost three years, we have worked together. Liv I'm a lesbian? How did you not know this." She explained turning on her seat to stare at the brunette.
Olivia hadn't been there on the night out after she first joined SVU when the squad had tried to 'set her up' at the bar. Only for her to leave with Sgt Jameson from the 79, a very pretty tall brunette in red heels. But she assumed she would have known by now.
Olivia turned to stare at Amanda. How did she not know this? She always assumed her gaydar was on point.
"I had no idea? How did I not know this?" Olivia said. "That brunette from the 79, you were dating her?" She asked, putting two and two together she'd just assumed they were good friends, but then after a while, she never did hear about her again.
"Yeah we dated for a while, she was nice enough," Amanda said a little more comfortable with Olivia prying. "So you and Cabot were dating right?" Amanda said, turning the tables on Olivia.
"Well no not 'dating' dating. But yeah.. yeah we did have something." She explained, but her face had dropped.
"Oh, liv, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up something that would upset you." Amanda said, suddenly feeling guilty.
"No, no, it's fine. Sorry, just... yeah, don't worry about it." Olivia said, feeling flustered she was unsure why the topic had made her feel so sad. She hadn't thought about Alex since before her relationship with Brian had ended.
Amanda glanced out the window; they were now stuck at a standstill in rush hour traffic as commuters were on their way home from their 9 to 5s. She was cursing herself for not just walking or taking the subway. They were about 20 minutes from Amanda's apartment but were looking at another 30 to 40 minutes in livs car.
"I'm sorry for rushing out the apartment liv; I didn't even think about traffic," Amanda admitted inwardly cringing at how rude that was. Her southern bell mama would slap her behind with a wooden spoon if she had seen Amanda's reaction to Olivia's hospitality.
"I didn't think about traffic either," Olivia replied "don't worry about earlier, I'm sorry you had such a bad day." she finished with a sympathetic glance at the blonde.
"Thanks, and thank you for taking care of me liv, you really went beyond the call of duty there," Amanda said a blush of embarrassment as she remembers clinging to the senior detective while walking out of the precinct before being tucked into bed.
"As I said, we look after our own here Rollins," Olivia said, reaching over to place a comforting squeeze on the blonde's shoulder. "You can trust us." She adds, hoping that this will encourage Amanda to open up slightly.
Amanda can't help but roll her eyes, her body going stiff as she shifts again looking out the window. Suddenly defensive, she knew not to put trust in people. She knew not to put trust in cops. Even being one herself, she knew that there were too many rotten eggs in the Police force to ever fully trust her co-workers.
"You can trust me! If you ever want to talk about what happened or if you need a friend. I'm here." Olivia said, squeezing her bicep before turning her attention to the slow-moving traffic.
….
Olivia was different.
Olivia was safe.
Olivia was gorgeous.
Amanda couldn't get thoughts of the brunette out of her head as she lay in bed later that evening. Desperate to reach out for that Benson level compassion that she had received earlier that day.
Suddenly considering ways she could receive even the smallest amount of attention from the older woman. Desperate to once again feel the other womans body pressed against hers,
No Amanda, you can not have a 'crush' on Olivia Benson.
Amanda thought.
You are a grown woman,
She shook her head.
She is your superior, she is your colleague,
Brushing her hair from her face,
Most importantly you do not mix your personal life and your work life for a reason.