Chapter 11: A Bird Without Wings
Ariak was silent for the first week after coming back home. Even after he started talking again, it was weeks before he acted normal again. He was shaken, for obvious reasons, on a very fundamental level.
Yet life seemed to possess an innate ability to put itself back on track. Whistler slept, Ada trained, Suda volunteered at the hospital, and Sen and Ariak worked on their waterbending. As time went on, cruel memories faded and normal living filled the gap. Though some things lingered, for the most part the incident with the Red Moon was left in the past.
Sen figured it was time for him to attend to some things that he had left behind. He'd been at Ariak's side nearly constantly for a long time; he hadn't even bothered to check in with Taina. As far as he knew, tutoring was over, and the new school year for the North Pole had already begun. He had no idea where to find Taina now. He owed her a goodbye, at least, so he set out into the North Pole, towards the library.
He stepped amidst the shelves and took a cautious look around. The tables where he had once been taught alongside Alrok now sat empty. He stepped slowly along the aisles of books, glancing between the shelves. He saw someone with their face obscured entirely by an overly large stack of books they were carrying. That could only be one person.
Sen stepped forward and grabbed a few of the books off the top of the stack, cutting it in half and exposing Taina's face. She seemed upset that someone had interrupted her book-gathering at first, but her eyes lit up when she saw Sen. She dropped the entire pile of books and lunged forward to grab him in a tight hug.
"Sen!"
That had not been exactly the reaction Sen had been expecting.
"Hi, Taina," Sen said, feeling slightly awkward in a hug that was lasting a little too long. "Sorry, for not showing up sooner, there was a bit of-"
"Oh it's alright," Taina said, finally letting him go. She seemed flustered now. "I mean, if you had come here a few weeks ago I would've given you an earful. But Alrok told me about your friend, so I understand."
"Yeah, I had to deal with all of that, so I didn't really have time to come by," Sen said. This was a bit of an awkward moment. "And now I've missed all the other lessons."
"Oh yeah, by quite a bit," Taina said. "The school year started, tutoring's over."
"That's a shame. I could've used a few more lessons."
"You could always just sign up for classes," Taina suggested. "You'd have to wait until next semester, but-"
"I'm not sure I'm going to be here next semester," Sen said. He wasn't sure exactly how long he would be staying in the North, but he had an odd feeling it wouldn't be much longer.
"Oh, you –you're leaving," Taina said, clearly disappointed.
"Well, yes, this was never meant to be a long-term visit," Sen said. "I've got some responsibilities to attend to. It'll make sense later."
Sen was sure that one day, when Sen being the Avatar was common knowledge, Taina would look back on this day and laugh. It helped him cope with the fact that she seemed absolutely heartbroken now.
"Well, I don't know what you're planning on doing," Taina said. "But I hope you make time to study. You're one of the smartest people I've ever met, Sen. Don't let that brain of yours go to waste."
"I don't plan on it," Sen said. "Though I don't really know what to do next, without a tutor."
"And I don't know what I'm going to do without my best student," Taina said.
"You could try working with Alrok for a bit," Sen said. This elicited a low groan from Taina.
"But he's just so stupid," She moaned.
"I was an idiot once too," Sen said. "How's he ever going to learn anything if somebody doesn't take the time to teach him?"
Taina quite reluctantly agreed. She roped Sen into a little more small talk before Sen said his final goodbyes and returned to Yakkul's.
Several people had come to visit Ariak since his kidnapping; chief among them Tlun, who had seen his brother more in the past few weeks than he had in months before the incident. At first he had been exceptionally sympathetic and understanding, but as time went on, more and more of Tlun's characteristic impatience shone through. Luckily, however, it was almost entirely focused on Ariak's well-being.
"Have you been eating enough," He asked, for the fifth time that day.
"I have been," Ariak reassured him. Ariak had been slightly underfed during his time as a captive, but never so much that it affected his health. Tlun's concern was touching, if unwarranted.
"I'm fine, really," Ariak said. "I've had enough people looking after me to last a lifetime."
"It doesn't look like it," Tlun said. "Whenever I'm around nobody seems to care about you."
"That's because when you're around, they don't need to," Ariak sighed.
"Where are they, even," Tlun said, ignoring Ariak's attempts to calm him down. "Where's the Avatar?"
"He's out."
"Out where?"
"I don't know," Ariak said. He saw Tlun's fist clench, and knew immediately that he had made a mistake.
Sen started walking slightly slower when he heard the sounds of Tlun's shouting. This was going to be good, he could already tell. He briefly considered turning around, but decided against it. He opened the door and traced the sound of Tlun's shouting to its source.
The impatient doctor was pacing back and forth before a gathering of Sen's friends, gesticulating wildly. His loud lecture came to an abrupt halt when Sen entered the room.
"You! Where have you been?"
"Out," Sen said. That was not what Tlun wanted to hear.
"Out where," He demanded again.
"Out," Sen said dismissively. "I have a personal life, you know."
"I'm not usually one to play devil's advocate, but Tlun does have a point," Ada said. "You've been gone quite a bit."
His habitual disappearances had never bothered Ada much before now; Sen knew what he was doing. The only reason she suddenly wanted to know is because Sen was refusing to explain. Sen didn't usually keep secrets.
"I was at the library," Sen said, finally relenting. "I like to learn things. I've taken some lessons, read some books, that's it."
"You could've just told us," Suda said. It was perfectly understandable that he wanted to study.
"It would have been nice for us to know where you were, if something happened," Ada added.
"I just wanted to keep things separated," Sen said. "You know, if my teacher saw you guys, she'd know about all my friends, she might learn where I live, and then we might have another Nura on our hands."
"Hey," Suda grunted indignantly.
"It's not personal, Suda, we all got a little too close to her, and then we all nearly died because of it," Sen said. He'd been sold out once before. He would not risk contact with anyone that he couldn't trust completely. They were too close to the end now to repeat the same stupid mistakes.
"Ariak, you can't possibly support this," Tlun said. "He's been cutting his training short to go read books, you have to see the problem there."
"The Avatar has been excelling in his training, even with short sessions," Ariak said with a shrug. "I can't object in that regard."
"Being smart is just as important as being strong," Sen said, not giving Tlun the chance to interrupt. "Do you know how many problems I could have prevented if I'd been smart enough to see them coming?"
"Sen, we talked about this," Whistler sighed. She'd been supremely uninterested in Tlun's ramblings, but she did have to jump in on this particular occasion. It had taken Sen months to accept the fact that he couldn't solve every problem. She didn't want him backtracking.
"I know, Whistler, I know," Sen said. He knew exactly why she was concerned. "I know I'm going to mess up again, but I'm going to do everything I can to make sure it happens as little as possible."
Whistler nodded sagely and returned to her casual disinterest in the argument. Tlun was watching his argument fall to shambles before him. He was far too stubborn to admit total defeat, though.
"None of this changes the fact that you've been lying to us," he said.
"Nobody asked," Sen said. "It's a lie of omission at best, and not even an intentional one."
"It's still a lie," Tlun argued.
Sen and Tlun took center stage in a brief standoff. Sen was hardly interested in further argument; it was up to Tlun to make the mature decision and walk away. The room was briefly muted with a tense silence between the two. Tlun was inarguably the more tense of the two; Sen was casually examining the floor, not wanting to further the tension by making eye contact with Tlun.
"What kind of Avatar are you," Tlun huffed. "You can't even be honest with your own friends."
Sen's eyes snapped up, locking eyes with Tlun. He stepped forward and squared his shoulders. He would not take an insult like that lying down.
"I'm not going to take lectures on honesty from you," Sen said. He paused slightly and took one step closer to Tlun, leaning in close to stare him straight in the eyes.
"I have been nothing but honest with all of you," Tlun objected.
"Not really," Sen said.
"Wait, what has he been lying about," Whistler said.
"Nothing. The Avatar's trying to shift blame."
"Don't try to play this off," Sen said. "You and I both know what's going on here."
Ariak's eyes widened. He had been avoiding talking about it for so long. It was just as the Avatar had warned him. He had avoided the problem, and now the problem had come to him regardless.
Sen knew.
"I really don't," Tlun responded bitterly.
"Look, I figured out some of your personal issues, Tlun," Sen said. Over time, Sen had been unraveling the mysteries of Ariak's complex family scenario, especially his sister Tsunatak, and he had realized something about Tlun. "I know who you really are."
Sen was surrounded by ice, but he had rarely felt anything quite as cold as Tlun's heart when he said that aloud. Part of him regretted ever saying it. The effect it had on Tlun was far beyond anything Sen had expected.
Red sorrow flushed Tlun's eyes for a moment. The doctor did not wait long to let the other symptoms of his sudden sorrow come to light. He turned and fled without another moments hesitation, hiding his face in the hood of his heavy coat. Ariak jumped up slightly, but never took a step beyond Sen. He froze in place just a step behind the Avatar, looking uncertain about what to do next.
The remainder of Sen's friends showed a renewed interest in this argument. They all knew about Ariak's sister Tsunatak, but unlike Sen, they had not yet pieced together the connection between Tsunatak and Tlun.
"How did you know?" Ariak asked quietly. He had tried his best to keep it a secret. He needed to know that this breach of privacy was not his fault.
"I- I pieced it together," Sen said, ashamed. He didn't know the matter was this serious. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was this…drastic. I didn't expect him-"
"What is going on," Whistler demanded. This whole family drama had been going on long enough, and she wanted some answers.
Ariak and Sen shared a brief look. Sen nodded to Ariak, and Ariak nodded back. It was his family. He should explain it. Ariak took a deep breath and anxiously toyed with his sleeve.
"Tlun is…" He began. He bit his lip for a moment. "I only have one sibling. Tlun is, or was, I'm not sure, Tsunatak…They're the same person."
The confusion was evident on their faces. Ada leaned forward.
"But, Tsunatak was your sister," She said, her confusion audible in her voice. "Tlun is your brother."
"No, no, I can see it," Whistler said. Tlun had always had suspiciously soft features and curves. "I spent a long time crossdressing. I'm surprised I didn't see it sooner."
"It's not like that," Ariak protested. "She- He, just has…I don't even know. I'm not sure what all of this is."
Ariak put his hands on his face and sighed in exasperation. He had been trying to figure this out slowly, in private. Sen had just dragged it quite violently into the daylight. Steady uncertainty had suddenly become a precarious moment of truth. If this situation wasn't resolved quickly, Ariak's already unstable relationship with his brother could fall apart completely.
"Ariak, I'm so sorry," Sen said. "I had no idea."
"You have to make this right," Ariak said. "I can't lose Tlun."
"Ariak, I don't even know where to begin," Sen said. "You're his brother, can't you-"
"I've been trying for months," Ariak shouted. "I don't know what I'm doing, Sen. You have to help me. I need you."
Sen bit his tongue. He knew next to nothing about Tlun's situation. He'd read thousands of books, and not one of them had mentioned anything like this. But he had caused this mess, and he owed Ariak and Tlun both the effort to make it right.
"Alright, Ariak, I'll handle this," Sen said reluctantly. He wasn't quite sure where to begin.
"Thank you," Ariak said. "I knew I could count-"
Suddenly and without warning, Ariak froze like his blood had turned to ice. Sen could see what was happening in his heart, and Ariak had suddenly been consumed by memory- and regret. Sen paused and waited for a moment as Ariak's face slowly drifted from despair into determination.
Without a word, Ariak began to move again. He put his hand on Sen's shoulder and pushed him back, before stepping out the door and chasing after Tlun on his own.
"That was a quick change," Suda observed.
"I think he decided to take matters into his own hands," Sen said. It was hard to tell, since he'd just stormed off with no explanation. Ariak's whole family really needed to work on their communication skills.
"Yeah, let me know how this turns out," Whistler said. "I'm going back to bed."
Ariak found Tlun quickly. They were brothers, after all. He was on the outskirts of the city, huddled under a windswept ledge in the snow. Tlun cut a dark figure among the white snow.
The crisp snowfall made a slight shifting sound as Ariak sat down next to his brother. The ice clinging to Tlun's coat said that he had been here for a while. Ariak kept his mouth shut for a few minutes, as much for Tlun's benefit as for his own. He needed time to consider his words.
"We can't do this again," Ariak finally said. "It has to stop."
It had been much like this the day Tlun, then Tsunatak, had fled the Shorewatchers. He'd come to Ariak with his problems, and Ariak had tried to shift responsibility onto his father. Leaving it in Tinaaki's hands had driven Tlun away, and shattered Ariak's faith in his father. He had almost tried to pass responsibility onto Sen again today, but could not bring himself to. He would not repeat the same cycle today. He needed to take responsibility for himself and the people he loved.
"I'm not here to apologize for Sen, or for myself," Ariak said. Tlun had said nothing so far. "We've made mistakes, and you have every right to be upset with us. But you have to realize that you play a part in this too."
Now Tlun finally reacted, turning his head to look at his brother.
"I have only acted the way I've acted because I was uncertain," Ariak said. "You've changed things, Tlun. Before all this started, I thought Tinaaki could do no wrong, and well, that women were women and men were men. You have to understand this is confusing for me too!"
Tlun averted his eyes, perhaps out of guilt. Ariak decided to keep talking. He wasn't quite sure what he was saying, but he knew he had to say something.
"I can't know what you are, why you are that way, or what you feel, unless you tell me. You can't just run away from people because we don't understand you. You have to help us understand."
Ariak adjusted his hood to ward off the frost, and to distract himself. He knew he had no right to lecture Tlun on taking the initiative, but it was a lesson he needed to learn, just as Ariak had recently learned it. Tlun shook his head.
"I don't know how," Tlun mumbled. "I don't know how I feel. Some days I feel alright, and other days I feel like I'm missing pieces of myself, and it hurts, and I don't know why."
"I don't know either," Ariak admitted. "Maybe you're unique, or maybe you're a fool. I don't know that I will or even can understand you. But I am your brother, Tlun, and I will love you even if I don't understand you."
It was a slow, subtle motion, enough that Ariak didn't even realize it was happening at first, but Tlun gradually leaned on his brother's shoulder and rested his head. Ariak reached up and put an arm around Tlun's shoulder. He waited for a moment.
"There are a lot of things about you I don't understand, after all," Ariak said. "Like how you became a doctor."
"Why is that so hard to believe," Tlun asked, glad to have some small distraction for the moment.
"Well, it's just," Ariak said. He hesitated slightly. He was about to take a risk. "How can you be a doctor, when you have no patience?"
Ariak froze like the winter air around them. Tlun didn't react either. Ariak bit his lip.
Then Tlun started to laugh, and Ariak finally felt like things were going to be alright.