Chapter 3
JJ makes her way up to the gate of her property, a defeated look on her face. It has been a pretty good day, she had to admit. There had been no new case that demanded their attention and because of that, JJ was able to get completely caught up on all that paperwork that had been piling up on her desk for what felt like forever. It was the first time in she couldn't even recall that she would be home with more than just an hour before collapsing into bed from exhaustion.
She had finished her paperwork at about 4:30 and spent the next ten gathering all her stuff to take home. She wasn't surprised when Emily appeared at the side of her desk in the bullpen just as she was about to leave, considering Emily always made that stop on her way out the door.
But something was different now, and JJ was having a hard time with it. It had been almost a week since they had returned from Los Angeles and dealt with the Nanny Killer. That case had really gotten to the blonde and she was grateful that she had Emily next to her to help her deal with her emotions. However, as she had drifted off to sleep in her lover's arms that night, she knew what she heard. And those three little words had done nothing but cause JJ's stomach to do flips and turns since then.
The younger agent had tried to keep it cool with Emily when they were at work since then. After all, they had always hidden the true nature of their relationship at work and it wasn't much different with this. However, the confession the blonde knew she hadn't been meant to hear had caused a whole mess of thoughts to swirl around the blonde's head and she found herself struggling to deal with what it really meant.
Did Emily mean it when she said she loved her? Was Emily in love with her, the way JJ was with the brunette? After all, Emily had been the one when everything started between them to say that it wasn't something serious between them. She had been the one to encourage JJ not to give up her family, her life for her. At first, JJ was grateful for Emily's position on the matter. She was terrified of the thought of losing the family she had built for the outside world. Of losing Henry. Of losing Will even. But the longer things went on between her and Emily, the less terrified she got of losing Will and the more terrified she became of losing Emily.
A part of her knew that she would never lose Henry. Sure, she didn't want to make things complicated for him, but she was his mother. There was no way that Will would be able to keep her out of his life. There was always that lingering tiny fear in the back of her mind, but she had made peace with that fear a long time ago. It was now the fear that she would never be able to fully love Emily out in the open that kept her up at night.
But Emily had never said anything about being in love with her. At least not to JJ. That whispered confession was the first time JJ even got a hint that Emily's feelings for her might be more equal to her own for the brunette. Now that she knew that, she was wracked with indecision. Should she stay with her safe life that she knew kept her family in tact? Or should she take a chance, throw caution to the wind and admit to Emily that she too, was in love with her?
That is, if Emily's words even truly meant the same as JJ thought. Perhaps they were just meant in a platonic way, a soothing term used to comfort her in her time of need. It wasn't like they hadn't spoken those words before, though never meant in the context JJ truly felt them.
And that there, was the problem JJ had been having the past week. One minute she would convince herself she was going to confess to Emily that she too, loved her and the next she was sure that Emily hadn't meant the words in the way JJ wished she had.
Because their affair was a secret, it was something she couldn't talk to anyone about. That made it even harder. She desperately wanted to talk to Garcia or even Reid about her feelings. Knowing that one of them would be able to help her figure out exactly what to do. But she knew she couldn't do that. Neither one of them even suspected she was cheating on Will, much less with Emily and that knowledge alone would blow their minds.
So instead, JJ had spent the week avoiding the brunette. It was killing her, because what she wanted more than anything was the grab the brunette and kiss her and have that kiss explain everything. But her mind wouldn't let her stop being confused. So instead of finding and excuse to head to Emily's every night, she had instead found an excuse to go home. Tonight was no different.
Emily had asked if she wanted to do dinner and a movie before JJ went home, but JJ had declined, for the fourth time that week. It was unusual and Emily was pretty certain that something was going on with the blonde, but despite her years of being a profiler, she couldn't for the life of her figure out what it was. After the second time JJ had found a reason to decline their usual tryst, Emily had all but convinced herself that JJ was pulling away from the affair all together and that everything she had was going to end just like that.
The brunette didn't argue with the younger agent however. She knew it wasn't her place. She knew JJ couldn't commit to her fully and she cursed herself for falling in love with someone who she knew was unavailable. So she had just smiled when JJ explained she had to head home to spend time with Henry.
JJ for her part, hated lying to the brunette, but really needed just a little more time to herself to figure out just what was going on in her own brain. So she made her way home and into her house, immediately putting on that media liaison smile as soon as Will turned the corner to greet her.
"Hey cher," he uttered with his New Orleans' drawl. "How was the day?"
"Not bad," she muttered, avoiding the kiss to her lips he leaned in to give her and turning so his lips met with her cheek instead. "How was yours?"
"Pretty good."
"Where's Henry?" JJ asks, looking around into the living room for her blonde haired boy.
"Ahh, Spencer showed up about twenty minutes ago," Will explains, tilting his head to the side a little in surprise at her question. "He told me he asked if he could take Henry to ice cream and the park today and you had agreed."
"Oh yeah," JJ exclaims, remembering the conversation well with her best friend earlier that day. Reid had also gotten caught up on paperwork and had asked if he could use the time to spend with his favorite godson. A part of JJ had thought he had made the offer knowing how tired and uneasy she looked, but she hadn't questioned him and just agreed to his request instead.
"He said they'd be home by 7 for Henry to get into bed," Will explains following JJ through the house into the kitchen. The blonde tosses her go bag on the floor under the bar stools and removes her gun from the holster, immediately going to the gun safe to lock it up. When she returns, Will has a glass of white wine he's poured for her, holding it out for her to accept.
"Thanks," JJ says with the first genuine smile she had given him since returning home. "I need this."
Will smiled, walking around the counter and wrapping JJ up in a hug. She allowed her body to sink into it and closed her eyes, trying to relax her feelings and emotions.
The silence was easy, peaceful almost. Despite not being in love with Will, being married to Will had never been a chore. He was wonderful to both her and Henry and had always been understanding, kind and loving. It was partly what made her feelings for Emily so much harder to accept.
"Jay?" Will's voice breaks through the silence and JJ mutters a bit but doesn't pull back from the warm embrace she's found herself in with her husband. "Do you want to talk about it yet? It's been almost a week now."
JJ pulls back at the question, her brows furrowing to look at him, not sure what he means.
"Talk about what?"
Will's gaze is fixed on her, his eyes unwavering but still filled with nothing but love and compassion.
"Come here," Will says, leading the blonde to the couch in the living room around the corner, where he sits next to JJ, his body turned just enough to be facing her. "You can tell me you know."
It isn't accusing or angry, the words. Instead, there is something calm about the way he says them.
"Tell you what?" JJ asks, her heart starting to beat more rapidly than before as she takes a sip of wine from her glass in an attempt to calm herself.
"Jayje," he starts, letting out a small sigh. "You know I love you. And I know you. This time, something is different. Something is eating you up inside."
"What do you mean this time?" she asks curious as to what he is actually referring to.
"You tell me," he says calmly, carefully, his hand reaching out to grasp her free one. JJ's eyes start to fill with tears. In that exact moment she knows by looking in his eyes that he knows the truth. She's not sure how, but he knows about her and Emily. A tear slips down her cheek as she leans to put her glass on the table and he reaches forward and wipes it away with his thumb. "Just say it, cher. You'll feel a whole lot better."
"I... I can't," JJ says as more tears start to fall. She can still feel his hand in hers and she tries to pull away but he doesn't let her. She still has no idea if he's even talking about the same thing she is, but at the same time, she's pretty sure he is. He holds her hand still in his and allows a comforting and warm smile to reach his face.
"It's okay Jayje," he says pulling her to him and hugging her tightly. She clings to his back, her sobs unable to be controlled now and he soothes her by running his hand through her hair softly. "Shhh. Jennifer, it's okay."
"How can you say that?" JJ sobs, still clinging to him, unable to look him in the eye in this moment.
Will pulls back slightly, forcing JJ to look at him through her tear filled eyes.
"Because I love you Jayje," he calmly states, his eyes still showing nothing but love. "I just want you to be happy. And I know that I don't make you as happy as she does."
It's the first time that he's said "she" during the whole conversation. The first time he's actually confirmed he is talking about the exact same thing she is. A part of her feels a huge weight lifted off her shoulders with his confession. The other part of her feels like she's going to be sick.
"How long have you known?" JJ finds the courage to ask, her tears starting to slow. "I mean, how did you..."
"I've suspected it for a while now," Will cuts in. "But I wasn't 100% sure until a few months ago with that whole bank robbery case."
JJ's mind spins back to that day. It had been one of the worst of her life.
Her boyfriend, the father of her child had walked into that bank knowing that his life was in danger. She had screamed and cried and done everything in her power to stop him, only to have four strong arms, Morgan's and Emily's, holding her back. She had never felt fear like that until he walked into that bank that day. She was terrified for him. Terrified for Henry. But her true terror came out only a few minutes later, when that explosion occurred and Emily had been inside.
She had run into that building faster than anyone could stop her. There weren't arms strong enough to stop her. Because this time, it was Emily. The terror she felt wasn't for someone else, it was her own. She was crying out for the brunette, searching frantically for the woman she loved. It was only when she finally saw the older agent standing, uninjured, that she remembered, she should have been crying out for Will and searching for him.
"Will," JJ starts, the mini movie from that day finally ending in her mind. But he holds up a hand to stop her. He knows she needs to fully understand.
"A buddy of mine was there, you know, when the building blew up. He and I were just chatting one day and it came up, you know? You, that day. How it all went down. Anyway," Will continues, leaning back and taking a sip of his beer from the bottle he had brought with him into the room, "he asked me how Emily was doing. I was confused as to why he would ask, but then he explained it. He told me that he had been standing behind you when the building blew. That he heard you screaming for her and that you had run in there after her. He was bustin' my chops that you weren't screaming for me."
"I was!" JJ replies instantly. "I was terrified."
"Oh I know cher," Will says seeming not at all angry. "But your first thought was her."
A silence takes hold of them for a moment. It's brief.
"I thought I..." JJ starts, unsure what she's about to say to finish.
"You thought you lost her," Will finishes for her. "I know Jay. My buddy figured it was just because she was your partner, your best friend. But when I heard that, every suspicion I had for the past year I knew in my bones was true. You are in love with her."
It wasn't a question. It was a statement. One he was sure about.
"I love you, Will," JJ replies instantly, not sure if it's habit or she's trying to deny her feelings for the brunette in this moment. The words don't feel like a lie, but they certainly don't feel like the truth the moment demands either.
"I know you do darlin'," Will says with a chuckle under the words. "But not like you love her. Your eyes, they only light up when you are with her." A blush creeps on JJ's cheeks and she looks down at her hands in her lap. But he reaches down and tilts her chin back up to look at him.
"Will, I don't know. I don't know what to say," JJ admits.
"There isn't anything to say cher," he whispers, the kindness in his voice overwhelming in the moment. "You love who you love. Does she know?"
"I don't know. No."
"Are you going to tell her?"
"I'm not even sure she feels the same way about me," JJ admits feeling strange talking so freely about a subject she's never discussed with anyone. She never imagined having this conversation with another person, let alone her husband.
"She does," Will says smiling. "Man, you'd have to be blind not to see how much she loves you Jayje. I mean, I love you but boy, that look she has for you. I've never seen love that deep."
"It wasn't supposed to be like this," JJ says feeling tears threaten to pour out in her eyes again. "I never meant for this to happen. To go behind your back, to be the kind of person who would," she pauses, not sure if she should say the words but eventually she realizes they don't actually matter anymore. "Cheat."
"Oh I know darlin'," Will replies reaching for her hand again to hold. "You know, I've been wondering for a while now why when I figured it out I didn't do something to stop you. Why I didn't call you out and fight to keep you with me. And I think it's because I've always known."
"What do you mean you've always known?" JJ asks surprised by his words.
"I mean, I think I saw it there from the day I met you. You and Em always had this bond that was just... different than your bond with the others. It wasn't the same as it was with Spencer or Penelope. It was different. It was deeper. I think I always knew it was there and I chose to just look the other way because, hell, I guess because I'm just a little selfish," he says once again with a chuckle behind the words. "I wanted you for myself, even if I knew it wouldn't be forever. Deep down, I knew forever was never in the cards for us."
"How could you have known when I didn't?"
"Sometimes it's easier to see something in someone else than it is to see it in yourself," Will replies. "And now, I've realized that I can't keep holding onto you for selfish reasons. It's time for me to let you go. For me to let you be with the person that can truly make you happy. You deserve that."
JJ pulls him into her, crashing her body to his and holding him as tightly as she possibly can. She doesn't want to let go. A part of her knows that when she does, everything changes and even though she's relieved that it's all out in the open, the other part of her is beyond scared of what comes next.
"I'm scared," she whispers while holding him close and he hugs her a little tighter.
"I know," Will whispers back. "But I promise, it's all going to be alright."