Dear Dan…

It's been 6 days since 'it' happened. That's almost an entire week! I haven't been outside yet. Don't think I'll ever be outside again. Not that I'm not used to staying inside for no reason at all. People keep calling me on the phone: PJ, Carrie, Martyn. Mum called 5 times already. My voicemail has never been so full! I've been checking it constantly the last few days. For some reason I still think I'll see another message saying that… Well, you know…

Moving on from that subject, we did know a lot of people! Everyone we have ever met – like, ever – has at some point come to the flat. I feel bad saying this now, but I mostly just ignore them. I'm not ready to talk about you just yet. They think I'm sad on my own and will definitely start talking about 'the accident' the moment I walk into the room. Not that I'm planning on doing a lot of walking, but still.

I'm sitting on my bed, writing in a diary Chris gave me (he is dealing with the troubles amazingly by the way), and wondering why the person driving that truck didn't look before he drove straight into your car. That's my life from now on. Sleeping, crying, eating, thinking, and crying some more.

Chris and PJ both have a key. They've been making me food the past days. The reason they gave me this journal is because they said I needed a place to "just be me again for a while". It's true though, everything that's going on at the moment… It's too much to process. Talking wouldn't help anyway; I've never been as good with words as you.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm surprised I still have tears left. I've wept a lot in my life, you know. Can you see me being miserable? I kind of hope you can. You were always the strong one.

This is how broken I am if I have no one to support me. I imagine you're looking at me from wherever you are, you're wrapping your arms around me like you used to while we watched anime on the couch. Those memories keep me going now. The memories of cat whiskers and YouTube videos. Of you and me.

The worst thing is that I wasn't able to say goodbye. I'm glad it wasn't me who died though. Because, if you loved me half as much as I love you, the pain would have been unbearable.

Why did this happen now? What horrible person decided you had to die now? You have built up an entire career, you have touched so many people. You have bought me a ring.

I found it. Chris told me it was in your pocket. It is beautiful, and it reminds me of you. That ring is why I'm writing this in the first place, to let you know what my answer would have been. Yes, I do. Yes, yes, yes, yes a thousand times.

Is there a way to send this to you? I like to believe there is, we just haven't discovered it yet. Where even are you? "Are" you still? Maybe you're floating in space, or falling through an endless void.

Okay, I know, you can laugh, that was a stupid guess. I'm stupid as well. Stupid, but I must be something. If I wasn't, you wouldn't have bought that ring for me. I put it on my finger 4 days ago and haven't taken it off since.

People will look at me weird, we were pretty famous. Almost half of London knows us. They don't remember me ever wearing a ring though. At least, I think so… but, you gave it to me, so I'm going to wear it. Well, you didn't exactly give it to me, but you were going to! That's pretty much the same! Kind of..?

I think I'm gonna go now, Chris is calling. He says that PJ is here. Peej is fine, he hasn't lost as much blood as you. Chris broke his arm. I really appreciate them so much more now. They're not at all on their strongest now, but still they're making such an effort to take care of me.

Tomorrow is your funeral. It still feels weird to say. For you it must be even weirder. Well, you know what? I might just try to act normal again, you know, as normal as I'm able to act. If you're still there looking at me, I better not stay a blubbering mess for too long.

Bye Dan! I'll see you on the other side.

Love, Phil

Your little lion boy