"What..." Rey's brows furrowed as she concentrated on the kyber, trying to understand what was happening.
It seemed Kylo was also at a loss.
He could feel Rey grasping through their bond in an attempt to gather what information she could. Her vision shifted to his eyes, confirming what she felt through their connection in the way he looked at her, astonished.
"They are calling to me? I don't- how? How is this happening?" Rey took a half step back, her expression betraying what Kylo could only discern as guilt. He honed onto that, cocking his head at her.
"Why would you feel guilty?" Rey shook her head slightly, her bewildered expression growing by the moment.
Kylo had to ignore how endearing the reaction looked on her features.
"They are your crystals! They should not be calling to me, they... Hold on, why do you still have these?" She glanced to the saber at his side, question upon question building and amplifying through their bond.
Kylo's fingers brushed the hilt of his lightsaber, feeling the faint surge of power swell through the nerves there. The darkness coursed through his being until it met a small, but strong flicker of light that grew as Kylo recalled a memory of how his saber came to be.
Even if Rey couldn't feel through their bond the black and white that bled into grey, he was sure she could see it in his eyes as he begun to answer what questions he held knowledge about.
"I didn't use the crystals I retrieved from Ilum to create this saber... The truth is, I didn't build this saber at all, not truly." Kylo passed the kyber crystals to Rey with only a moment's hesitation, knowing this was the first time he had truly trusted another with this part of him, and with this piece of his soul.
Kylo nodded slightly as Rey's fingers uncertainly plucked them from his palm, a confirmation for him as much as her that his actions were correct; he instead moved his fingers back to gingerly unclasp his saber from his side.
A fleeting thought told him that this was the first time he had raised his lightsaber for a purpose other than destruction and fear.
He raised it in his palms to allow Rey to inspect the casing as he continued to walk through his past with her.
"Snoke gifted me this saber when... When I first sought him out, when I first followed the call to the dark..." Kylo's dark eyes darted back to Rey's golden amber, the unrelenting fear that she would flee his presence a whisper within his mind, calling to him each moment he gave away a part of himself.
To his astonishment once more, she still stood before him, intrigue and her own fear cast across her features.
It wasn't a fear of him, however.
It was a fear of the call to the dark, a call that she had felt before. A call that she could still feel.
Kylo reached out to her with the light of a memory that still caused the curves of his lips to twitch upwards into a lop-sided smirk.
"I had learnt of how to build casings for lightsabers with Luke, it was included in our training prior to Ilum. It was something that I... I was quite fond of, taking something apart, understanding its inner workings, rebuilding it wire by wire..."
"Luke never allowed us to create something different... Other than the standard, one blade generalised casing lightsaber. When I joined the First Order, I believed I would have more freedom... I was wrong," A bitter laugh left Kylo's lips at his ignorance, though the bitterness seeped into humour as he continued.
"I took apart every wire, every screw, and every panel of the saber that Snoke had gifted me, and decided to make it my own, as much as I was able. I created the cross guards, I adjusted the stabiliser to harness more of the kyber's raw energy... The look on Snoke's face when he saw what I had created almost broke him in two, I swear. 'How dare you desecrate a weapon passed from sith of old!'" Kylo chuckled at the memory; he was sure that he was to be cast out there and then, though in hindsight he knew Snoke would have never forsake Vader's own blood.
"Why didn't you create your own? You had your own crystals, and you know your way around the workings of the casing... So why did you not use these?" Rey gingerly raised her hands up to him, offering the kyber back.
Why hadn't he created his own saber? It was a question he had asked himself in the quiet moments where he knew Snoke couldn't reach his mind; missions to other systems, as far away as he could manage.
After Luke, he hadn't trusted anyone. How could he? Kylo had been cast into the fire more times than he could count, and with each time he were able to wrench himself from the flames, he was more damaged than before.
He could never trust anyone; not with himself, not with the secret of the kyber he shielded behind the mask of darkness and power he had shrouded himself in.
Kylo hadn't realised his attention was firmly fixed internally until he felt Rey nudge him gently through their bond. It was a soft caress; the lingering rays of sunlight on Jakku when the powerful heat of the day has subsided, mingled with the cool relief of the approaching night.
Closing his eyes in wake of the comfort she was washing through the bond, he understood what she had gathered from his lull in attention, and what she was trying to give him.
Rey was giving him her trust; she was throwing him a lifeline, though his doubts and fears not only caused hesitation in him clutching it, but threatened to drown him all at once.
Kylo opened his eyes slowly, and saw that Rey still had her palm extended to him. He swallowed down the fear that rose in his throat, and nodded slightly at what she was telling him.
It's okay to trust me.
He had to quell the desperation in his chest that wanted to cry out to her through the bond, to scream and say but it's not okay to trust!
Instead, he took a deep breath and grasped the lifeline as he reached for one of the kyber crystals that resided within her hand.
Rey frowned at him as he only took one within his palm, her confusion echoing through their connection. Kylo shook his head, and with his free hand he encompassed hers, gently forcing her fingers to close over the crystal she still held.
"I didn't attune these crystals. I hid them away, buried their secret so deep within myself that only their existence was proof of what I refused to share with Snoke, what I hid from the Knights of Ren. I had showed Luke after harvesting them from Ilum, and that had been the catalyst for..." Kylo's fingers squeezed Rey's underneath, gently but just so as to ground him.
"So I funneled my anger in a way to make Snoke believe Luke had taken the crystals from me. It was... Difficult... He already knew I had collected the dual crystals. He had been calling to me for some time, and I'm sure it wasn't difficult to discern what lay in my heart. I had to spend every moment guarding what I had, from that night until now." The night in question still made the bile rise in his throat, and he struggled to unfurl the horror of what had happened for her to understand.
Rey could feel his difficulty in the memory, and rather than push him verbally, she placed her free hand atop his and channeled her energy solely through their bond.
If you can't find the words, perhaps you can show me?
Kylo closed his eyes and swallowing the lump in his throat, he nodded. He let his anxiety clash with her hope, and as they swirled together within his chest, he found the strength in the grey to share what he never imagined being able to divulge.
He let her in to witness the most horrific memory that had held heavy within his chest for so long.
Ben pulled himself from the rubble of his hut, his shaky hands bleeding more with each brick he scraped through. Pain shot through his right leg and his chest, physical injuries amplified by the overwhelming onslaught of fear, rejection and betrayal.
He couldn't find the training saber he had used to protect himself against Luke's blow. He couldn't find Luke, though he was unsure if he wanted to. Hurt coursed through his veins.
Clutching the pouch from around his neck, he angrily ripped it off and poised to throw the kyber far away. He didn't want them. He didn't want this.
Just as the muscles in his arm strained to throw them from his sight, he was halted by screams emanating from the Temple.
No.
The children, he cried within his mind.
Ben limped with as much speed as he could muster away from the rubble of his hut, towards the wailing and panicked cries calling through the night.
Just as he reached the Temple steps, he saw Cardo stalk a boy no older than he, weaponless, desperate to escape. He tried to run past, but Cardo grabbed him, and as they struggled, Cardo pulled a blaster from the small of his back and shot the boy in the stomach.
The taste of iron and the smell of smoke assaulted his senses, just as he felt an explosion emanate from the Temple. Ben stumbled back into the shadows, falling over his own feet. The screams from within amplified, until they were quenched by several older boys who escaped through the front wooden doors and proceeded to close them behind.
"Where are the sabers?" Cardo yelled, stepping over the lifeless body of the boy. The others were dishevelled and scared as they answered him.
"Arlya got in our way!" Vicrul cried, wiping his forearm across sweat covered brow.
"She found us before we could reach them! We had to set fire to the Temple early otherwise she would have killed us!" Kuruk made the mistake of taking a step towards Cardo, as he found himself at the receiving end of a blow to the face.
Kuruk fell, clutching his bleeding nose but glared up at Cardo without making a sound.
"We had one chance at collecting those sabers, and now we have nothing!" Cardo roared over the sound of the approaching flames. The screams had already stopped.
"Get up! We must meet with Ushar and Trudgen before the Supreme Leader arrives!" Cardo scrambled down the steps with the others on his trail, completely passing over Ben, who was obscured from view in the shadows of the Temple.
The darkness in which he was hidden did not stay, as the flames licked the inside of the Temple walls, crumbling wood and brick in its wake, leaving a ferocious light and heat to prickle at his eyes, just as the tears had.
Clutching the crystals within his palm, he knew he could not keep them. If Cardo found him with the only kyber that they were able to retrieve, then he would be dead too.
Again, he aimed to throw them into the flames from where his broken body could not stand, but Ben could not bring himself to do it. He couldn't let go of them.
Luke's eyes shining green in the darkness passed through his mind, and he used a torn piece of leather from his belt to fasten the pouch to his uninjured leg, where it would not be seen.
The body of the boy at the top of the stairs was engulfed by the approaching flames, and the smell of charred flesh burned into Ben's memory.
The horror of what he had witnessed could only be drowned out by something equally as dark.
Something equally as powerful.
He had to fight fire with fire.
For the first time, Ben actively called to the darkness around him, pulling strength and power from the pain of rejection, the crippling fear and the overwhelming betrayal he felt.
As the darkness grew, it convulsed into anger and rage.
He held onto that for as long as he could.
Kylo's eyes flew open at the same time Rey's did, tears brimming and flowing at the pain and the loss. He could feel how sick Rey felt at the memory; she didn't know the extent of the suffering that night.
Now she would never forget it.
Kylo took his hand from hers, the fear and guilt brewing in his chest and amplified by her shock. It was almost too much to bear, and he begun to turn away but was forcefully halted by the surprising intensity of Rey's body as she wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace.
"It wasn't your fault." Even if Kylo couldn't hear the words that left the lips muffled against his chest, there was no mistaking how it radiated through their connection. He had to muster every ounce of his energy to not give in to the sobs he could feel threatening to escape his throat.
Now you must help her live.
He pulled her gently away from him, the raw intensity of his emotions making it increasingly difficult to maximise the space between them, but the moments were passing by far too quickly.
"Rey, now… Now you understand. Now you see what the Knights of Ren were. They slaughtered every Jedi and child in that Temple for the sabers they lusted. That was how they when they were still scared, still fearful of Snoke's whispers in their minds. Now they are devoid of anything. They are completely one with the dark side, and there is no way to bring them back from it."
Determination crushed the fear in her eyes. She was thinking of how she could fight them head on. She was mulling over how to keep her friends safe. She was deliberating how to protect him.
The light in his chest swelled at the way the fire in her burned to keep those around her alive, and how that included him.
He took her hand once more and reiterated what the crystals had told them both.
Kylo couldn't help but wonder about all the times he considered discarding the crystals, and each time was met with an unknown resistance to the course of his actions.
He wondered if this was the reason why.
"This crystal is yours now." Rey shook her head and opened her mouth to argue, but he continued, allowing the strength in her eyes drive him on.
"Rey, you want to protect those around you. This is the best way you can defend yourself. This is the best way we can fight." Again, she considered arguing with another option but the small chuckle that escaped his lips stopped her, and she looked at him wondrously.
"Your stubbornness is astounding. Let me win at least one fight, will you?" The smirk that graced his face could have felt foreign to his lips, but as he watched the way her eyes shone as she looked at him, it couldn't have felt further from it.
Rey conceded and a small smirk crept at the corner of her lips as she nodded. Kylo took a deep breath, and spoke words he never dreamed would leave his tongue.
"Now, let me teach you how to build a lightsaber."
Hey ya'll! I hope you've had a safe new years period! xx
I'm really happy with how this chapter turned out, and I hope some burning questions are answered! There are quite a few things (such as the dual crystals) that I am coming up with as I go along, and others I am drawing inspiration from (such as the events of the Jedi Temple that has been discussed in TLJ/TROS companion novel regarding Ben/Kylo's involvement in - or lack thereof), so hoping to keep things nice and fresh.
Thank you SO MUCH to Tabitha of MoonAurora and redridinghood101 for your reviews, they honestly make my day! I really appreciate the time taken to leave your thoughts, and I honestly cannot say thank you enough 3 Big love to all who have favourited and followed as well! Thanks for joining along with the ride.
Enjoy your weekend, and for my fellow aussies, please keep safe in this horrific bush fire season xxx