Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Fairy Tail
Trigger Warning: This chapter contains suicidal thoughts/attempted suicide. I will include a brief chapter summary at the end if such scenes disturb you so you can skip ahead to that instead.
Sleep had never quite come peacefully for Zeref, and that night was no exception. Fitful dreams, filled with memories of death haunted his mind. Usually, it was his own history of loss that made his rest so lacking in peace. Memories of his family perishing and of losing the few he cared for were among the worst he had. However, given the progression of the day, he should have expected tonight to have a different feel. Rather than a memory plaguing his mind, the nightmare was a creation of his own imagination. The curse was nonexistent in the dream, yet he felt as if he were a puppet, moving without a will of his own. Zeref would continuously strike down anyone he saw, regardless of who they were. He was forced to endure killing endless people, until faces blurred together and the living beings he killed were nothing more than faceless and nameless silhouettes. The deaths came faster and faster, haunting him and making him toss and turn. Eventually, he woke with a start when one face was finally seen at the end, a brief glimpse of Natsu's own joyful expression visible just moments before Zeref's magic cut him down as well.
Breathing heavily, Zeref gazed around his room. His hands were shaking, and his body was coated in sweat as he laid down on the mattress. Some of the pillows usually on top had been shoved to the floor in his tossing, and the blankets were thrown around and in a tangle at the foot of the bed. For a moment, he simply remained still, sitting in the darkness of his room and listening to his own heavy breathing. Then, his gaze began to flicker around the room. Really, it was just a dream…but how different was that dream from his own reality? He had cursed himself, after all. Those deaths…even the ones he could not recall, they were all something he had chosen to do, even if it was subconsciously.
Zeref's eyes landed on the door on the wall, and he took a long, shaky breath. He could feel it, his mind on the verge of breaking down again. Wasn't this usually how it felt? The spiral downward, the constant thoughts of those that had perished, it always ended in the same spot. Moving swiftly, he knocked on the door, swallowing and closing his eyes once he was done. Levy likely did not even know the rooms were connected, as he had designed. Perhaps he could enter of his own will, considering the door did not lock…but without her being forewarned of such a thing, it would be a rather inexcusable invasion of privacy.
When no answer came. Zeref felt himself drift away from the door. His hands lifted, tangling in his hair as he tried to just focus on breathing. Yet again, he tried to remember that nothing had really changed. He still killed all those people, regardless of how the curse came to be. Hadn't he coped with it before? Each death, while carrying its own weight, had been moved on from not long after the actual lapse of his curse. Still, somehow this truth made it all the worse. Each death was relived, the grief needing to be revisited as it was now far more intentional than he had ever realized.
Really, what did it even say about him? He had chosen this curse for himself. Some part of him thought he was deserving of this suffering, that it was fitting for him to simply kill everyone that surrounded him. Maybe he truly was nothing but a monster, even in the deepest recesses of his mind. That monster would not ever go away, just as Levy had so eloquently stated in Edolas. She might claim now that her words were rash and full of anger, but Zeref could clearly see the logic. Despite wishing to change, he was incapable of doing so. Despite hating the fact that those died around him, he had still elected to receive that punishment when he resurrected Natsu.
If that monster would not go away, then the only option to keep others alive would be to destroy it completely. Zeref could not stop himself, so he needed to die. Some dark resolve solidified, and Zeref found himself moving towards his desk. He knew that he had the weapon there, in the event of the unlikely emergency where he'd require physical defense from an attack. A dagger remained in his room for such an event, not even by his own choice but due to Invel's insistence on being prepared for even the most unlikely of scenarios. This time, Zeref felt an odd sense of gratitude for him. Now, he wouldn't have any need to disturb others with his wish. In the peace and quiet of his own room, he could finally find that peace he had needed for so long and rid this world of the greatest evil it had really known.
Pulling open the drawer that was just below the writing surface, Zeref glanced inside. The dagger itself was simple. It had a plain black blade, made of stained wood with the faintest glint of silver visible in his room only lit by the moonlight outside. His hand hovered just below the dagger, a faint smile on his face even as tears streamed down his cheeks. Part of him didn't know if he should be joyful in this moment or not, but there was a certain calmness that overtook him at the novelty of the idea. Unlike all of his previous attempts, it would be so simple. His own self-inflicted curse created his immortality, after all. Now, one strike would end his life, and place him into that peaceful rest he needed.
His fingers curled around the handle, lifting it almost as if in slow motion. There was some faint noise behind him, but his focus was entirely on how to accomplish his goal. Really, he knew more than he ought to know about which method of killing with the blade would cause the least pain. Did he deserve to suffer in the end, or should he make it swift? As the monster he was, he supposed suffering would be the more judicial end. That would entail avoiding major arteries, and creating multiple lacerations that would result in death through gradual blood loss, as opposed to a swift end with a stab wound to the chest.
Hardening his gaze, he nodded to himself and moved to direct the dagger towards the first slash, planning to strike his side first. Most people typically went for the arms, however, Zeref felt as if that might hinder his mobility as he continued on in his attempts to suffer for as long as possible at the end. There was an odd sort of irony to it regardless, to the idea of prolonging his suffering even now just as he had done to himself in life. It was fitting, and the thought made him smile in dark amusement as he brought the blade down towards his side. "Stop!" He blinked in surprise as he heard a voice shouting towards him. While it was not enough to make him truly listen, he had not expected interference at this point in time.
Before he felt the coolness of the blade reach his skin, he felt a hand grip his wrist, fighting against his own motion. This time, Zeref turned towards the intruder, pausing only for a moment as he recalled his own actions that felt like so long ago. He had knocked on that door…which now stood open, explaining why Levy was gripping his own wrist, tugging at the dagger in his grip. "I said stop it, Zeref." Her brown eyes were hard, glaring into his own. Despite her short stature, she seemed to be trying to stand tall and make herself fearsome to behold.
Levy was still fighting against him, and for a moment, he didn't truly fight back against her attempts to push his hand away from wounding his side. Really, he was studying her, unused to seeing her dressed in a plain white tank top and pink shorts. He had forgotten that he left clothing in the room for his original plans of having Mavis here…though there were a variety of sizes, since he had not been quite certain what to get her. Something within those closest likely fit Levy instead. Still, that moment of pause did not last long before he recalled his dream, seeing the life in Natsu's eyes fade yet again because of his own magic. "Why should I?" He pushed back against Levy, startling the solid script wizard. She stumbled back at the sudden motion, tripping and falling down.
Using her sudden fall, Zeref began to move quickly. However, Levy wasn't giving up so easily. "Solid Script: Chain!" He saw the chain-links form out the word, curving around and shooting towards him. It swung around, wrapping around his arm and yanking him towards her harshly. Letting out a startled yelp, Zeref stumbled forward onto the ground with her, glaring at her for her actions. Still, he could manage something like this. The arm holding the dagger may be bound, and while not ideal, he could potentially cause enough damage to one arm to end his existence.
Twisting his body, Zeref lifted his other hand towards the weapon, dragging the blade across his arm and shooting Levy a triumphant grin, even as a stinging pain shot through his arm. "No!" She moved again, grabbing his free arm and pulling it away from the knife. She held onto her chains with one hand, the other hugging her arm to her chest, apparently not even noticing as his bleeding arm dripped onto her shirt, staining it in red. "I'm not letting you do this, so just give it up, Zeref!"
"But I don't deserve to live either." He gave her a bitter smile, trying to fight back against her. This time, she was prepared as he tried to use his body weight to tug his arm free. She had braced herself, leaning back to adjust her center of mass and avoid falling over again from his actions. "Why would anyone even want me to live on? My existence causes nothing but destruction and despair. Even if I have done one redeeming thing in my life…do you think that truly makes up for the rest? For everything I intentionally keep doing to this world?"
"Don't you want to still find a way to protect Natsu?" She gritted her teeth, still struggling against him. "He's your brother. If you do this…your magic will vanish. The magic keeping him alive…it'll go away with you, and he'll be back where he started."
"And that's exactly where he should have remained." He narrowed his eyes at her, rising back to his feet. The chain binding his arm swung between them, still too tight to allow him enough motion to harm himself. "You haven't the faintest idea of how many lives I've stolen, how many people who's names I've simply forgotten when I should have mourned their loss."
"And do you think others haven't?" She was crying now, glaring harshly at him. "People die all the time, Zeref! There isn't always a reason behind it or someone to blame. Can't you see that you couldn't control this even if you wanted to? Too many things…too many events factored into what happened. Maybe it was caused by your own magic, but you still were cursed. You still didn't have control of it…so there was nothing you could have done!"
"And does that not make it all the worse?" He studied her, watching as she opened her mouth to argue. However, she looked like she was at a loss. "There is no rationalizing this away, Levy. I am a murderer…and I will continue to be so, no matter what I wish to become. That is what I've realized…and why it would be better if I did not exist."
Her arms shook, and he could feel a slight slackening in the chains. Just a little further and he'd be able to continue his work. "But…but I don't want that." Her voice sounded broken, her gaze locked on the ground. "I…I can't logically explain it, Zeref. You aren't trying to do things like this, and in your heart, I can see that you really do want to help. Even now…you're trying to do this…because you think everyone else will be better off." She shook her head, wiping away tears with the back of the hand holding the chain. Zeref felt his own hand get tugged towards her from the action, stretching his arm for a moment before it lessened once more. "But…didn't you just ask me to stay here, to stop you from doing this? Please…please let me at least do that much for you. Let me do what you wanted me here to do…because I don't think I can get August here in time to stop you himself."
August? He frowned for a moment, glancing at the door. August had said he'd be back in the morning…which meant August would be the first to see the truth. He felt himself stiffen at the thought, even as his face grew cold and pale at the idea. His last orders to August had been to stay by his side…at least, those had been his last orders before the odd shift between them. The guilt he would feel…would it push August to this point as well? He knew of August's history, and that he had been close once before. Yet, he never imagined August returning, not until now.
Gazing at Levy, he could feel himself waking up just slightly more. Some of the haze faded, and a small sliver of rationality was ringing through. "August…he would want me to stop as well?" It sounded like a question, despite him already knowing the answer.
Giving him an encouraging smile, Levy nodded once at him. "He would. He'd never want you to do this, Zeref, no matter what you did or how much it hurt." She seemed to hesitate, before releasing his bleeding hand. He let it fall to his side limply, his gaze listlessly gazing at the wall to his side. What had he just been about to do? The longer he was awake, the more he realized just how sudden the impulse had overtaken him. His shoulders shook slightly, and he closed his eyes shut. "Please…we all have things we regret, Zeref. Maybe you have more than most people, but that doesn't mean you don't have things you can offer the world by being alive." She seemed to pause, while Zeref still tried to even figure out what that even was. He couldn't do anything without destroying something else it seemed. "What about the things you've learned? How many people can honestly say they can feasibly come up with a method to travel through time and fix a problem in the past before it ever comes to exist in the present?"
His eyes shifted towards her, seeing her mind racing. "And your resurrection magic too…is it really that much different from healing? With what you know, you could bring back an entire branch of lost magic, Zeref! All you'd have to do…is just share what you know. You wouldn't have to use magic yourself, if that has you worried…you wouldn't even have to talk to people in person. If you don't even want to write it down…I'm sure I could help, or maybe August if that'd make you more comfortable…" She trailed off, biting her lower lip. Zeref was not speaking, simply staring at her in the darkness. Why was she fighting so hard for this? It made no sense, yet he could feel his heart racing, a mix of terror and warmth racing through him. He wanted to hold her tightly and refuse to let her leave his side, yet he also wanted to flee from himself again and hide away in the haze of meditation where his thoughts would be nothing more than background voices in a sea of calm sensations around his body.
Her brown eyes looked into his own, still moist and red from her tears. "Zeref…what else can I do? What…I don't know what you want…" She hung her head, her hand clenching into a fist by her side. Without saying anything further, she seemed to step closer, pressing that fist to his chest and shaking her head. "I won't let you do this…but I don't know how to stop you. I don't…I just can't…" She broke off, inhaling and almost choking on her words. Her head fell onto his chest, pushing him even further from the haze of his thoughts. He could feel the warm moisture soaking into his robes from her tears, and he felt hyper aware of the pressure coming from her small form against his own. Really, he wasn't tall by any means, but Levy made him feel as if he were.
Staring down at her, Zeref felt the last tension in him fade away, the fight leaving him as exhaustion returned. He heard the knife fall, landing on the carpet with a soft thump. His arm shook slightly as he lifted it, slowly moving it to wrap around Levy instead as he closed his eyes shut. His legs felt weak, and really, he couldn't quite understand what he even wanted anymore. Zeref wanted to die, yet he also wanted to live on and be by Levy's side. Even without the curse, he was still filled with contradictions.
Sinking down to the floor, he heard Levy's faint gasp as he buried his head into her neck. He inhaled deeply, not really certain how to describe her smell. Perhaps as a dragon slayer, he'd have known some better description for the scent. Maybe he'd be able to detect just how strong the scent of old books and candle smoke clung to her from her late nights spent reading. Maybe he'd be able to detect some other odor that would tell him of her ability to enjoy the outdoors, or some other hobby he was still unaware of. All he knew was that it smelled like Levy, and he was content to simply leave the description like that without words to explain it further.
"I'm sorry…" He breathed out the words into her neck, not quite comfortable with pulling away. By now, he had long surpassed his willpower to refrain from any gesture beyond something merely between friends. Yet, Levy would likely assume him ignorant once more, or at least, he hoped she would for now. He did not want her to push him away, and at the moment, he could at least claim that she had begun this embrace. "I'm…I can't…Levy, sometimes, I just…" He couldn't explain it to her, even in broken words. August might have understood, given how long they'd known each other, but Levy had not been around for the moments when the desire for an end came over him. She did not know how often those moments came, and how difficult it was to fight against that urge. Before, the knowledge that it was impossible usually stopped him. Now, that barrier was gone, and he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop himself anymore.
He felt her hand slowly move, gently stroking his hair. It was a gentle pressure, constant and soothing as her fingers tangled through the strands resting on his head and slightly tangled from his restless sleep. "It's okay…just please…don't scare me like that again, okay?" She leaned back, forcing him to look up and meet her eyes. She had a weak smile on her face, yet Zeref couldn't quite bring himself to lie to her.
"I can't." He saw that smile falter slightly, before her eyes softened and she grimaced, shaking her head. "I can't…because I still…I still want to…"
"Sh." She pulled him towards her again, letting him close his eyes and take a deep breath of her scent once more. "Then at least…promise me you won't let things go this far without coming to me. I don't care if I'm sleeping or reading or even in the bathroom…I'd rather have been there to save you than too late to do anything to stop you."
Nodding into her shoulder, Zeref took another deep breath. "That…yes. I should be able to do…at least that." She smiled, adjusting her position on the ground so she wasn't completely sitting on her legs anymore. He felt so tired, and right now, being here was far too comfortable. Oddly, it was even more relaxing than his own bed, yet he knew that it likely was not the case for Levy. Glancing up at her, he saw the dark shadows under her eyes, and the way they were drooping slightly as she seemed to wait for him to calm down. "I…my apologies. It…I woke you up, didn't I?" She shrugged, nodding weakly. "Please…don't let me keep you from further rest. I…I should be okay now."
She looked doubtful, frowning at him. "And if you aren't?" He looked away, staring at the ground. The dagger still rested there, a glinting reminder of what he had almost just done. If that weren't enough, there was also the blood still dripping down his arm and the stains on Levy's shirt to keep it in mind. "I'm not…I almost wasn't fast enough, Zeref. I heard your knock…but I didn't even realize that that door was connected to your room in the first place." She looked away, shaking her head. "I just wrote it off as some closet and after spending so much time reading…I really just wanted to sleep anyway. So, when I woke up to the knock, I was confused…going to the front door to answer, then trying to figure out where it came from. If…if I had taken any longer…" She closed her eyes, shaking her head. After a moment, she looked up, something hardening in her gaze as she met his own eyes. "I'm not leaving. Not until I'm absolutely certain you aren't going to do this again, Zeref. This is the second time now…the second time that you've tried to do this, and that's only since I've actually taken the time to get to know you."
He felt his heart lurch slightly, and he closed his eyes for a moment longer. Then, he sighed and rose to his feet. Levy frowned at him, watching as he vanished into her joined room for a moment, returning with one of the blankest from the bed in her room. "What are you doing?" She frowned at him, while Zeref smiled weakly at her, grabbing one of the pillows from the floor and lying down.
"Resting. Since you seem intent on remaining here for the night, I decided I would make do." She blinked at him, her eyes growing wide as she seemed suddenly awake.
"I-I didn't mean that you had to sleep on the floor!" He raised his eyebrows at her, while she blushed and looked away. "It…it's your room…I mean, you shouldn't be inconvenienced because I'm refusing to leave…"
"Yet I've chosen to sleep here, as you are my guest and doing this solely out of concern for myself." She bit her lip, watching him and looking rather unhappy, despite the obvious exhaustion she felt. Smiling, Zeref chuckled slightly at her, leaning back and closing her eyes. "Please, Levy. I…you just may be right to have concerns, so I will not object. Don't let me inconvenience you any more than I already have by asking you to remain here."
"You didn't force me to stay." She gave him a slight scowl, shaking her head. "I wanted to stay." She wasn't looking at him, but with a sigh, she moved towards the bed. He glanced over, watching her climb in and pause for a moment. She was lying down, and he smiled, thinking she was finally starting to rest, but that was before she spoke. "It…there's a lot of room in your bed, isn't there?" He frowned, uncertain as to what point she was making. "I mean…it's not like it'd be all that different from the park if we just…shared or anything. That way, there wouldn't be any complaints about it either, no need to debate if one of us is getting inconvenienced or the other."
He stared at her, hesitating as he sat up. Really, this seemed to be impinging upon some line between them, agreeing to this. However, she had turned onto her side, refusing to look at him and blocking any view he might have had at her expression. "And are you certain you will be comfortable enough? I…I am aware that you are likely still upset with me, given everything I've done."
"And I've told you that it doesn't matter!" Had she? She turned towards him, biting her lip. "At least…I could have sworn I did." She shrugged, sitting up and narrowing her eyes at him. "Even if I didn't, I'm telling you that now. I promised that I would try and be your friend, didn't I? And even now, I told you I'd stay by your side and keep you from doing something stupid like what you did in Edolas. What else do I have to do to convince you that I'm really not that angry with you, Zeref? I…I just want us to move past that…and go back to trying to know each other, like you said you wanted to do back then."
He felt warm, and for a moment, he simply stared at her. She still waited, watching him as he finally shook his head, rising to his feet. "Then…perhaps you should likely be prepared. Despite what you may think…these kinds of episodes are more common for me than you might expect." She didn't answer, only frowning as Zeref lied down on his back, making sure she had plenty of space as he lingered near the edge of the bed. "August is used to them…and usually, my own immortality stops me before I truly act. I suppose…that was why I was so concerned. This time, there really is nothing to stop myself when that happens…no reasoning that stands in my way making it impossible…"
She startled him by moving closer, wrapping her arms around his waist again. "Then don't…just please, try not to think about it at least. Or at least…try thinking of something else when that happens. It doesn't matter what it is…just find something in your life that you still want to live for, Zeref. Don't you have some dream that you still want to accomplish? Some goal you haven't quite met?" She stared at him, pleading for an answer. Gazing into her deep brown eyes, Zeref oddly felt a longing growing within him. He did have a dream, yet it was one that was still far beyond his reach.
Gently, he stroked her cheek, brushing back her hair with a faint smile. He saw her cheeks turn pink, her eyes widening at the gesture as he sighed. "The dreams that I still have are well beyond my reach…though I suppose I can at least try, if you think it may help." She nodded, looking away and pressing her head into his shoulder. Part of him wondered if she would move away, but she never did. He watched as her breathing slowed, and she drifted off into a calm sleep by his side. It didn't take long for him to join her, a small smile on his face as he found himself in an oddly peaceful sleep for what was probably the first time in years.
Brief Chapter Summary: Zeref wakes from a nightmare that reminds him of what his curse has resulted in, driving him further into his depression. Levy helps him through the event and calms him.
So, I went ahead and wrote out the old sharing a bed cliche...I almost wanted to get rid of it, but with how much angst I have in this arc, I decided to sorta leave it to lighten it up a bit throughout (plus, it has been pointed out that the progression of the Zeref/Levy pairing seems to be a bit rushed, without much foundation to justify it yet. I am realizing that looking back too...I likely still need some work on presenting believable relationships in my fics, it seems.). So...I think since I've already caused a bit of trouble with the initial set up of this pairing, I'm going to just keep in mind to work on it more so for future stories, and potentially look closer at the next few chapters of this arc too (they focus a lot on Zeref and Levy to try and develop that pairing a bit more...but again, I may have rushed things already, and this chapter doesn't exactly help that much.). Suggestions for improvement are welcome, whether you agree or disagree that things have been rushed! Feel free to review and tell me what you think!