Hooo boy I am trash at updates. I had hoped that losing one of my jobs and having hours cut at my other meant I would have more time to write, but it turns out the whole pandemic sitch is bad for mental health, who knew right? Anyway, I'm really doing okay. I hope that if you're reading this, that you're also doing okay. Even if you just get through the day, and all you accomplish is feeding yourself, and showering, then you're doing great. It's a weird time to be alive, but I want you to be alive. Sending lots and lots of love my pals xxxxx
The fresh wounds and old scars which ran deep within the flesh of his palms and fingers ached no longer. The pain which he had held onto, a reminder of his path and a distraction all the same, was nowhere to be felt.
He was unsure how long he had stood, a statue within his chambers, gaze locked on the unblemished skin of his hands. Minutes may have passed, hours could have transpired, yet he was no closer to understanding what had happened.
Their hands had been entwined, the power of the force flowing between them, until Rey broke the connection to caress the scar she had given him what felt like years ago.
His trance had broken the moment the confusion on her face flickered through his memory.
Not just confusion, but a jolt of shock as her eyes found his face.
He moved to the closest reflective surface in his proximity, and he found himself holding his breath as he peered over the onyx of his war table, in between the wires and mechanisms of their sabers.
Between it all, he saw his own tired eyes, framed by the darkness underneath but no longer punctuated by the scar which had contorted his features.
His head pounded as confusion rolled backwards and forwards within his mind, crashing against his skull with each attempt at understanding what had happened.
What did he know?
Before they touched, scars ran and disfigured his hands and face.
They had touched hands once more, focusing on the way the light and dark flowed freely between them, grey electrifying the nerves at his fingertips.
Then his scars had disappeared.
Was it the force? Was it Rey?
Was it them both?
Shaking his head in disbelief, he thought about the scars which littered his body, reminders of his training with Snoke and the Knights of Ren.
Quickly he moved, throwing his cowl and garments to the floor, and observed the pale skin beneath; skin which could not be faulted.
He had been healed of all his wounds, old and new.
He had been healed. But how? How, exactly, had this happened?
His head swam with theories, threatening to drown him. However, it was his exhaustion which finally pulled him under. Shuffling to his cot, he all but collapsed into the bedding, his mind drifting into unconsciousness before his head hit the dark sheets below.
There were not enough hours left to rest in the way his mind needed. There was a plethora of variables and fine details that needed attention, not to mention the saber cases that still required finishing, and kyber that needed to be attuned.
On top of what was already an extremely volatile situation, Finn and Poe had discovered their bond. His fingers were attempting to delicately complete the final components of his saber casing, yet all he could think about was the way they had stormed Rey's quarters, almost killing him in the process. He still attempted to process how their bond was so visceral that it allowed others in, and what had happened to cause the scars that were a staple of his skin to completely disappear.
Electricity ran through the tips of his fingers, and he jumped away from the wires he had accidentally crossed. Kicking his stool from behind him, he stood in frustration, running his stinging hands through untamed locks.
He needed to speak to Rey, to ascertain that she was alright. In his exhaustion, he had slept almost twelve hours.
Twelve hours of time that he was unable to retrieve. Twelve hours closer to their demise.
Rechannelling his focus, he sat once more and begun to readjust the wires, with a higher level of caution.
Regardless of what was happening between Rey and her rebel friends, they still needed their lightsabers to be completed.
Their lives depended on it.
He had made certain that what remaining time he had would not be interrupted by meetings with generals and sponsors, citing his need to draw from the dark side and Snoke's training for his absence. The risks associated with this absence, however, were extreme, though there was no way to skirt around it now.
The only time he continued to hold needed to be focused on their plans, and their weapons.
Hours passed by the time he rose once more, adamant the work was completed before he used the muscles in his legs. Throughout the labour, he held the kyber close to him, hanging loosely from unneeded wiring from his neck; he hoped that whatever part of his being he used to desperately work would channel effortlessly into the crystal.
He only hoped that Rey was attempting the same.
As he paced his quarters, his mind wandered back to the moment Finn and Poe discovered their secret. The words they spat at him rattled within his mind, not eliciting anger, but remorse.
Their words were true; he was a monster. The things he had done, the people he had killed… It had been under the manipulation of Snoke, but they were still his actions. It was still his hands that had committed atrocities across the stars.
Her friends knew that. Stars, every being in the galaxy knew that. Even Rey; perhaps she knew more than anyone, yet she had not forsaken him. She had held him when his mother had passed, and she had smiled and laughed by his side as they worked on their lightsabers.
He knew that she had allowed herself to trust him, to be in his presence as something more than an ally, as something perhaps more than friends, but would she see reason from Poe and Finn? Would they assist her in truly seeing what he was?
What he was…
The anxiety ricocheted through his chest, and as he clenched his fists, he begun to reach out to Rey…
But he hesitated.
The last time he had seen Rey, she was desperately trying to cling onto the light, where the darkness had begun to consume her.
There would be no balance found. The darkness surrounding Rey was temperamental and explosive; calling to her with his own fear could be the spark to light the fire.
They both needed balance; they both needed the light to temper their dark.
Though he tried, it was far more difficult to draw from the light when he was alone, when he was without Rey's presence. Despite her ability to shroud herself in darkness so readily, there was still a blazing light that emanated from her being, her force presence flowing with a love and hope that she truly should not hold. He understood those emotions from a place of naivety, from innocence, but Rey was far from either. She had grown up, abandoned on a desert planet, fighting her way through slavery and starvation. If there was anyone who should be emanating darkness through their connection with the force, it should be her.
He found it much more difficult to harness the light as she was able to call the dark, but he attempted to find the grey, to ground himself in the in between rather than drown in the fear or be smothered by hope.
Closing his eyes, he felt the darkness swirling about him, tangible in the atoms that radiated around his being. There was no balance; all he could feel were the anxieties, the fear, and the hopelessness of what was to come. Taking in another deep breath, he delved internally to a memory that was stored away in a space of his mind that had been locked for some time, images and voices that were too painful in his abandonments and betrayals to consider.
Laughter rang through the warm air, travelling though the gardens and towards the open windows of their home. The dulcet tones were familiar only in his memory, a sound so happy and without fear it was nearly mesmerising. Ben swung his arms above the sill of the open window, gripping his small hands on the other side of the stone as he used all his strength to pull himself up and onto the ledge.
Standing haphazardly, Ben swayed slightly as he cast his young eyes to the garden outside their home, peering through the ferns and flowers that sprung sporadically before him. Twilight had begun to fall, and the deep blues of the sky above shone so bright with the light of the stars and distant planets. Galaxies cascaded across the expanse, swirling through the night sky. He cast his vision across the space above, awe filling his small body as he attempted to understand what he saw.
There were people up there! Children just like him! He wondered how many children were standing in the window of their home, wondering the same. Fixating on the brightest light above him, he raised his hand and waved. Maybe they could see him!
The beautiful laughter bubbled once more, drawing his attention from the infinity above, and he finally discerned where it originated from.
His eyes found Leia's smiling face, as she spun away from Han, arms outstretched but connected through their interlaced fingers. Leia was dressed in beautiful golden fabrics that cascaded to the floor as though she wore a sunlight waterfall, and her waves of hair flowed freely down her back.
Han shook his head at Leia as he spun her back into his arms, the grin that pulled at the corner of his lips now widening across his face as he looked down at her. His lips moved quickly to Leia's forehead as he moved his arms around her, relishing in the moment.
Ben's grip on the wooden panel of the open window faltered slightly as he crouched atop the sill and jumped the small distance to the ground below. Regaining his footing, he clambered around the mass of ferns before him, and made a beeline straight for his parents.
Leia noticed him first, her mahogany eyes sparkling as they met his.
"Ben! How did you get out here!" Ben giggled as he reached his parents and was picked up in Leia's now free arms. Holding him close, Leia placed quick kisses along his neck, tickling him and sending squeals of delight through the air around them.
"We will need to keep an eye on this little troublemaker." Han quipped, and he ruffled his hands through Ben's wild locks, causing another bout of giggles to erupt.
"If he is anything like you, then he will certainly be a troublemaker." Leia retorted, smirking up at Han. Their eyes shone with love, and the laughter echoed all around them that night, as they played through the garden with Ben.
There were many days and nights like that stored within the deepest recesses of his mind, the love that he was surrounded with for most of his childhood. Even at a distance, even when Leia and Han needed to work, and even when they had decided to send him to train with Luke.
There was always love. Always that sparkle in their eyes as they looked at him.
That sparkle that meant they were always proud of him, regardless of whether he saw it or not.
Holding onto those expressions and that love, he drew from it, feeling and mapping the edges of the light and allowing it to meld and dance with the darkness that continued to snake throughout him, though more subdued that it was before.
He took in several more deep breaths, allowing the pulsating of the light and dark, and the grey it became, to fill his veins, to strengthen and calm, to ground and fuel him for what was to come.
Opening his eyes once more, he felt steadier than he could ever remember, even with Rey at his side. There was a certain way that the energy between himself and Rey melded, something that he could not explain and did not fully understand yet, something that left him excited and breathless.
But the way he had grounded himself in the grey just now was something new; it was something that he had not felt quite like this before.
It drew a feeling of relief and clarity throughout his body and his mind, drenching every single cell of every individual nerve in it. It was a sense of steadiness in the path he was taking; in the path he was charting to protect Rey, and even her friends.
As his attention focused on Rey, he realised he had not felt her at all since waking and wondered briefly if her friends had harmed her over the revelation.
He quickly dismissed the thoughts; his trust in Rey did not extend to her friends, as they had attempted to murder him barely one day past, but he had felt the loyalty of their actions.
They cared for her, and they would not harm her.
Regardless of whether the bond with Rey was completely open, he knew that she would feel what he chose to send her. So, honing his focus, he sent the fear, and the hope, and the anxiety, and the love he felt down the connection towards her in the form of the grey that swirled within him.
The love he felt, lingering from the recall of his memory, and the timid love he felt for Rey almost tipped the balance, but the grey continued to dance within his chest.
After several minutes, he called for food to be sent to his chambers, and then sat down with the saber casings, rolling them around within his palms.
As he surveyed the metalwork, a wave of gratitude and love washed over him with a tenderness he that drew him back to the memory of his mother laughing, dancing with his grinning father.
Rey was at the other end of their connection, thanking him, and reminding him that she was there with him, despite her friends finding out about their connection.
It was the first time in the past week that he felt ready to face what was at the end of hyper space.
He longed for the moment where he could face her truly, as an ally, and not as an enemy.