Each attempt he made to reach Rey was met with strong resistance. Hours had passed since the moment he had felt her warmth flow through their bond towards him, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to continue to hold his balance with the force.
There were less than twenty-four hours before the First Order were due to exit hyperspace; barely a day before the Outer Rim would be crawling with their newly operational Dreadnaught, and several dozen Star Destroyers.
The anxiety was agonising. He knew he must sleep, but he needed to speak to Rey, to consolidate the remaining details, particularly regarding their kyber. He pulled the crystal from underneath his tunic, unwrapping it from around his neck as he cupped it in his palm before him.
Despite spending every spare moment channelling his energy, and his connection to the force into the crystal, there showed no progress.
If he were to face the Knights of Ren with an unattuned crystal, he may as well allow Hux to strike him down then and there. Attempting to defeat them would be futile; the Knights may not have attuned crystals either, but their numbers and ferocity would have both himself and Rey at a disadvantage.
That would only be if they were able to face them together…
The anxiety he felt begun to curl around his neck, causing his breaths to come in short and desperate, his chest pounding sharply with fear. It writhed and expanded, gorging itself on the way his body panicked and fought against the foreign attack.
But the feeling was not foreign, it was achingly familiar. He felt as though he were the same helpless boy who had survived Luke's betrayal, and survived the night his friends had been trapped and burnt inside the temple.
The fear, the crippling terror was an assault he denied for years, enveloping himself deeply within the dark to protect himself from the pain.
There was so much pain, and it demanded to be felt.
Tears filled his eyes as he attempted to quell the suffocating, but the more he struggled, the more he found himself drowning underneath the waves.
He fell to his knees, fingernails digging into the flesh of his thighs to distract from his emotional turmoil, and to resist the pull from one side of the force.
It was intoxicating. The call from the darkness was so powerful in his moments of weakness, especially when he knew it could alleviate his pain. Especially when he knew it could give him the control he so desperately yearned, and the protection from feeling this way again.
He was but moments from giving himself to what had become his familiar, when a warmth brushed his cheeks. Raising his eyes from where they had been pinned to the floor before his knees, he saw nothing, but there was no denying what he had felt.
The light of his mother radiated in such a way there could be no mistaking it. She was still there, still watching over him.
His mother had not yet forsaken him.
Her presence within the force spoke volumes, even before he heard the whisper of her voice, as though she were knelt right beside him.
Do not be afraid of what you feel…
But he had been afraid of what he had felt for more years than he dared count.
How could he finally fall into the abyss willingly? How could he ever resurface?
The warmth brushed his flushed cheeks once more, nudging against him in gentle encouragement.
He could almost hear the impatience in her presence, and he nearly smiled despite himself.
Finally, he grasped onto her light like a lifeline, and allowed himself to feel his own darkness; he opened his soul to the anxiety and to the pain, without calling upon the darkness of the force itself. The light and the dark clashed at first, as a rough ocean wave would barrage the calm of a rock pool, but quickly and gently, they swirled together, mixing until it was one and the same.
His breathing begun to slow into a rhythmic inhale and exhale as the anxiety released from around his throat, accepting that it no longer demanded to be felt, as he had grasped it for himself.
As the presence of Leia subsided, the light she left behind remained, dancing with the pain, calling to the fear, and comforting the anxiety.
It was as he found the balance, with more strength than he had ever felt before, with more resolution than he thought were possible, that he finally felt Rey.
Lifting his gaze, he saw her creep into his vision, as though she were avoiding detection.
He fretted briefly, wondering if the Knights of Ren had exited warp first and discovered her, but his fears were quickly unfounded.
Rey was instead avoiding detection from her friends, as she quickly ran and slid on her knees before him. Her eyes were brimmed with tears, her presence a solar storm, desperate and consuming. The conflict radiated from her in waves, and she spoke through hushed tones.
"Ben, I… I do not have long to speak." Glancing behind her, she turned back to him and rushed out words that near winded him.
"I am being watched at all times… Finn and Poe… They…" Rey's voice cracked, and several tears escaped past her attempt at a steely composure, before she continued.
"They do not trust you. They do not believe a word I say. They calmed enough to allow me to speak the truth of this bond, of our connection, and of what Leia and Han believed, and still believe. They have seen too much of the First Order, and they have seen… They believe they have seen too much of you to accept what I know to be the truth." Rey glanced back again, before moving closer to Ben, knees touching knees as she cupped his cheek, imploring his eyes.
"Ben, I know what we had planned… I know what we meant to do, but it is too risky. To their credit, the rebellion is accepting most of your information, but only because there is nowhere to continue running, no more allies to fall to. But if Finn and Poe find you, they…" Rey's composure cracked, and her hand and head fell, tears streaming down dusty cheeks.
He felt the grief rolling from her in waves; the pain of her friends not understanding nor believing her, but the paralysing fear of losing what she felt was one half of herself.
She was terrified of losing him.
Finally, she choked out words she was unable to describe in any other way.
"They will kill you, Ben. They will not hesitate." Rey harshly wiped away her tears, giving him a moment to compose himself.
"Rey," he whispered, gently bringing his fingertips to her jaw, encouraging her to look once more at him. A fresh round of tears threatened to break the levee, but she met his gaze regardless.
"I know that I have offered nothing but death and destruction to those you call your friends. I know that there is no reason for them to trust or believe the information I have given you. I fear… I know that I have not given you enough to trust me." Rey moved to interrupt, but he shook his head and ran his fingers up her cheek, taking every moment he could to map out her features, while he had the chance.
"I know I haven't given you enough to make up for my past, and for what I have done. But I will not rest until I have made up in some way for the terrible things I have done, and if that means risking my life in facing Finn and Poe, and the rebellion, then so be it. There is not a chance in the galaxy that I am not going to fight for you, Rey. I refuse to hide away in the darkness, cowering as I have done for years, at the risk of losing myself. I have already lost too much because of it." Tears welled in his eyes then, and he lowered his face to Rey's, only centimetres apart, gazing into the amber orbs that were trained on him.
"I refuse to lose you too." The words he whispered were so gentle, had Rey not been just inches away, she most certainly would not have heard them. He felt everything that she felt; the betrayal and abandonment that she had pushed down so far, only resurfacing in recent months, were quashed by those simple words.
Had she never heard someone speak such tones? Had she never felt the way someone refused to abandon her?
No, she had felt that from her friends, and from his own family, but the way the love and loyalty burned from him was like nothing she had experienced.
It was a kind of love that neither of them, they realised, had understood or felt before.
His eyes darted to Rey's lips, the same way they had so many weeks ago, when she stood in the Supremacy elevator, convincing him that she would be there to help him break away from Snoke.
This time, she caught the flash of movement, and without hesitation she closed the distance, throwing her arms around his neck as her lips collided with his. Warmth burnt through him brighter than the sun; the sensation was not a phantom of the last time her lips had brushed his. Now, it was untempered and uncontrolled, blazing with longing and love and understanding.
His arms moved to hold her body against his, and too soon, the moment ended as a faint calling of Rey's name came into both their senses.
Rey pulled away first, her fear blinding her, and she jumped to her feet, ready to close the connection.
"Rey, wait!" He too jumped to his feet, and quickly ran to his war table, clasping a metal saber case in his free hand.
Barely a second passed before he was standing before Rey once more, pressing the casing into her palm. She looked up at him in confusion before he spoke words he had wished to prolong.
"This is your case now. As soon as your kyber is ready, you must fit it into the saber, as I showed you. If it is not ready… You fit it anyway. This is your main weapon against the Knights of Ren, if everything goes to plan. We follow everything else as prepared, and don't argue." He smirked despite the situation, seeing and feeling the way Rey was about to tell him to escape, and not come for her.
"You are worth every risk." He finished, imploring her gaze before cutting the connection first.
A determination blazed within his chest now, fanned by Rey and the genuine love that burned through them both.
His chest was not the only place that blazed; his palm begun to sting, and on impulse he almost drew his hand back from the offending item, before realising exactly what caused the heat to radiate through his arm.
Opening his clenched fist, he found the kyber he had all but forgotten about, glowing brightly before his eyes.
waaaahooo another chapter! what colour do we think Ben's kyber will be?! alright so I scrapped this three times before I was happy... ish... with it. I'm just going to roll with it because my motivation for things has been unsteady lately, so if I can write something (anything?!) then I'll be happy. anyway, thanks for the new followers/favourites! how is everyone doing? I hope you + your family + your pals are getting through this extremely tough period. sending a lot of love xxxx