Part 2 Maddie is exhausted after her panic attack, so Chim lets her sleep it off. When she wakes up the next day, he asks her if she wants to talk about it
Part 1
He can't stop staring at her, watching her chest rise and fall. He knows how anxiety works, knows that she's not going to stop breathing while she's asleep. But his mind won't stop racing. What if he hadn't gotten through to her. What if she couldn't get any air. What if he had to call 9-1-1? He tries to close his eyes, push the thoughts aside. It only half works.
He wakes up earlier than she does. Lightly heads into the kitchen, puts on a pot of her favorite tea. He knows how she'll feel after the fact, knows that attacks leave her completely drained, knows that she needs hours of sleep to feel even a little better. He waits and wonders. Wonders if he should bring it up. Wonders if she'll want to talk about it. Even though he's known her for over a year now, he's still afraid to push. He's heard the stories, seen the scars. He doesn't want her to think that he's like Doug. His heart drops as he realizes that that's how she felt last night, like she was still in that abusive situation. He hopes he can get through to her, hopes that she'll still want him, hopes that he can still make her feel safe, even after last night.
She sits up slowly, trying to take deep breaths. Even though she knows it's over, knows she's slept for hours, she's still exhausted. She's tried to describe it to Chimney. It's like she's been run over by a truck, like her limbs feel like rubber. Even standing up and getting ready for the day is hard for her. She slowly walks into the living room and her eyes immediately turn to the couch. She knows he won't hurt her again, but her thoughts still rush to Doug.
"He's staying with Buck for the night." Chim is standing in the door way, holding a mug. He slowly approaches and offers it to her. "Thought you could use this."
She takes it from him and lightly sits on the couch. She picks it up and slowly takes a small sip. It's perfect, just the way she likes it. Chai, with cinnamon, just the right amount. He had practiced making it until he learned just how she liked it. Ever since she had told him how much it helped her anxiety, he always made sure to make it after a really bad attack. "Thanks."
He gives a small shrug. "It's the least I could do."
He sits beside her, making sure to keep a safe distance. He doesn't say anything for a minute, just watches her. She loves how he can do that. Sit in silence with her for as long as she needs. She's still not sure if she can talk. Albert was his brother, what if he sides with him and not her. The fear must have been evident on her face. He gives her a kind smile. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She looks away. "I don't know. I'm sorry, it's usually not that bad, I just."
He slides closer and lifts her chin so she's looking at him. "Mads, you have nothing to be sorry for. You have anxiety, it doesn't make you lesser or weak. It's just a part of you. I love you Maddie, and no matter how many panic attacks you have, that's never going to change. I'm not going to force or push you, but I am always right here whenever you're ready."
She leans into him and he raps an arm around her. Her head drops onto his chest and for a few minutes, she just listens to the sound of his heartbeat. It calms her, allows her breathing to slow, grounds her. She looks up at him and takes a slow deep breath. "It just took me back, to him."
He gives an understanding not. "I know it did."
"Doug was." Another slow deep breath. "He would just get so angry, so fast. I would never know when it was coming. One minute he'd be fine, smiling, the next." She trails off.
"I'm so sorry Maddie."
"I never knew how to act when it happened. He hated tears. I'd usually have to hold it back, act like everything was okay."
He held her tighter. "If you need to cry, you can, you know that, right?"
She nods. "I do, but I think I got all that out yesterday."
He gives a small smile.
"Last night, we were so happy, laughing, and then he came in, so angry, I just didn't know what to do."
"I know. Mads, I'm right here, I got you."
She loves when he says that. Loves how grounding he is. Loves how he'll never push her. "I had no idea what to do. I remembered the whine glasses, on our wedding night. I just, that was the first time I realized how angry he could get. I know your not like that, neither is he, but I just."
"Maddie, look at me. You never ever have to justify yourself to me. You've been through trauma. First the hostage situation, now this, your reactions are totally normal. I'm just glad your okay. I thought." His voice breaks, and she can tell that he's trembling slightly. "I really thought I might have to call 9-1-1."
She feels her heart drop. "Oh, Chim, I'm sorry. I just."
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
No matter how many times he says that it's still so hard for her to believe. Apologizing, like I love you, was such an automatic response for her. It was her way of smoothing things over. She loves how she never needs to apologize for her actions with him.
"I know, thank you. But I still hate when this happens. I'm glad I have you though. Your always just good at being there. It means a lot."
"Maddie, I love you. You don't need to thank me. I'll always be right here."
She squeezes him tighter. She knows that her anxiety will still be there, it won't go away. But she has him. It's only realized even more when he speaks again.
"So, I've been thinking, what do you think about Albert moving out?"
"No, Chimney, I couldn't make you."
"It's not just for you. I'm sick of all his stuff everywhere. He's so messy. But most of all. I really care about you. I don't want you to feel scared when you move in. I want you to feel safe, and if that means getting him out of here, then so be it."
She wishes she could say the words, wishes she could tell him how much his awareness means to her. She can't, not right now anyway, so instead, she just holds him tighter and hopes that it'll be enough.