Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Fairy Tail
Despite having slept through the night, Zeref still felt exhausted when he opened his eyes the next morning. There had been something unusually draining about last night's attempt to end his life. Most of the time, they had little effect on him. However, this attempt seemed to linger. There was an odd soreness in his body, and moving simply felt like it would take too much effort. Then again, it wasn't as if he truly wished to move. Glancing down at the back of Levy's head, he smiled faintly to himself.
Sleep made her logic seem all the more clear now, really. He truly should have simply spoken to her about his concerns…yet, much like before, he'd been afraid of what he'd hear. He did not want Levy to speak to him of how hopeless such a desire of his was. Now, however…it wasn't quite so hopeless. She implied, well, more than implied, that she cared for him just as he did for her. Sighing, Zeref closed his eyes, pressing his head into her hair. Despite that…he had pushed her through this yet again. Why did he keep doing this to her? To August? Every little thing seemed to push him past his limits, and he was desperately clinging to both of them as a lifeline to remain in this world.
Unlike before, he was fairly certain a single night of rest would not convince Levy of his stability. Perhaps he felt stable…but he had also felt stable that morning. With the way Levy had seemed so shaken last night, and with her own…drastic measures, Zeref himself didn't even find himself fond of the idea of her leaving his side. Still, she needed to get changed and cleaned up from last night, just as he did. Even if they weren't going out in public, the Spriggan Twelve would be mildly alarmed to see either of them in their current state, both covered in dried blood.
After watching Levy's calm breathing for a moment, Zeref nodded to himself, sitting up. She'd be asleep for a while, it seemed, and he'd prefer to make this go by quicker rather than force her to wait while awake. So, he quietly moved to the bathroom connected on the side of his room, on the opposite side of where Levy's room was attached. He turned on the water, hoping the noise wouldn't wake her, and began the process of cleaning off the signs of last night's actions.
Staring at the water at his feet, Zeref could see the color shifting. For a while, it was a dark reddish color, fading rather quickly to pink before starting to run clear the more he scrubbed. Yet, the colors could not distract his mind that well. Levy…there was a chance for a future there. It was a chance for a future he had thought would never be possible. Maybe it was not beginning ideally, but that did not mean the probability was any lower. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, recalling the desperate way she had pressed her lips to his for just a moment. It had felt so like that moment in Edolas, yet so different as it was her initiating it instead. At that moment, Zeref was certain it was the first time he truly regretted an attempt to take his life. At that moment, he felt like he had nearly thrown away a future he truly wanted.
Really, hadn't she been working towards that future already? Maybe it came from his own ways of seeing himself. Levy had even insisted as such, commenting about his self-image for a brief moment during her attempts to reason with him. Something about him just couldn't see anyone wishing to be near himself. Zeref despised himself, so he assumed the world would as well. It made it difficult to believe when others felt something other than hatred towards him.
Touching a hand to his chest, Zeref leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He felt warm, not just from the water. There was an odd heat rising in his chest, making his heart pound as he tried to focus still. Levy…he couldn't recall seeing hatred in her eyes, not directed towards him. There had been anger, and distrust…but never that blind rage that he associated with those who only knew him through history. It was rather ironic, considering how well-read she was. She was likely the most familiar with his history in actual tales of such things, yet the least likely to take such a story at face value and base an opinion of him off of it. No, her distrust had been justified through his own actions directed towards her and her friends. Later, it shifted and that distrust faded…and now, he had an odd feeling that her distrust would be returning in a very different way.
Turning off the water, Zeref shook his head, brushing aside damp strands of hair from his face. He'd thought it would take longer to get used to being near someone like this…but he was oddly pleased with the thought of Levy being unwilling to stop following him around. Having her near seemed to have an oddly calming affect on his mood, and she could usually rationalize away any depressive mood of his before it truly began. Even if he'd still been paranoid with his own curse, he was certain he'd want her near to convince him of which mindset was the proper one to preserve.
Staring at his expression in the mirror, he frowned. Really, was he used to his lack of the curse? He'd lived with it for so long, shying away from contact with others. Edolas broke down some of those habits, and he'd never had the chance to build them back up again once he returned. Then again, he couldn't completely blame Edolas. Really, that shift had started back on Tenrou Island, after Acnologia came. Once he lost the ability to grasp the importance of life, he'd abandoned the notions of evading others that kept them alive. He no longer had a need to do so, after all.
Flexing his fingers, he smiled faintly. A week ago, thinking about the curse would have left him in a dangerously unstable state. Now, it felt…odd. The guilt was still there, but it was fading and becoming not much different from the guilt that he usually lived with. Zeref knew that would happen eventually. What was odd about it…was the strange sensation that he almost missed having it around. The curse was a barrier from the world, giving him an excuse to avoid the pain that came from relationships. It spared him from suffering as he had last night, ensuring that he would have lived regardless of how far he went in his actions.
Immortality, however, was not something he'd wish to have returned to himself. Each moment like this…it only solidified the idea that the curse truly was gone. It always had been simply a part of his subconscious mind, and yet again, he had to thank Levy for being able to read him better than anyone he knew. Somehow, she had seen that his guilt ran so deep that it must have existed when he was that young. She'd seen…that his suffering wasn't completely the curse's fault in the first place.
Moving to start getting dressed again, Zeref felt an odd flash of nostalgia. How long had it been since he thought about his childhood? Natsu had been alive, and his parents had been living peacefully in Mildia. True, they weren't actual natives to the town and their customs, but they had been taken in. His parents were peaceful, and they even helped defend Mildia from the dragons that were constantly raiding on a regular basis.
Zeref, however, had been unable to do anything. He'd studied magic, and he offered suggestions on altering their defensive spells, but those were only preventive measures when it came to dragons. Really, dragon slaying magic was the only thing that wasn't in those days. Yet, Zeref had hated the idea of killing all dragons. Even then, he'd had an odd curiosity about life and why it had to end. He'd wanted to preserve their existence, even as the dragons fought to wipe away humanity.
That, he supposed, was part of where the guilt began. As soon as he was old enough to do so alone, likely about six given the rushed independence forced upon children in that generation, he'd been running off into the surrounding forests of Mildia. There, he'd found a few of the peaceful fire dragons, becoming friends with them quickly. Yet, one stayed his friend far longer than any other. Smiling, Zeref closed his eyes, sitting down as the odd memory struck him.
"Igneel! Are you here again?"
A rumbling chuckle had been his response. "Ah, Zeref. Eager to return again, are you?"
Nodding, the young boy shuffled closer to him, sitting down and leaning back against a tree as the massive dragon landed in front of him in the clearing. "My parents are off on a mission again. They're always fighting with the other adults in the war."
"And you left your brother alone?"
"Of course not!" Zeref pouted, looking away. "I'd never do that to Natsu." He paused one more time, biting his lower lip. "But…I may have asked my neighbor to watch him for me. She's female, and given the method of raising female children these days, she's likely far more skilled with toddlers than I am." Given the precarious future for humanity at that time, old traditions of gender roles had begun forming. They had changed quite swiftly afterwords, but he could remember people often thinking his mother was strange for fighting in the war, rather than remaining home to clean and cook for her family.
"Did you not say your neighbor was only twelve?"
"But that's still older than me!" He glared at Igneel, not liking to be teased. "Besides…Natsu doesn't really have all that much fun with me. I like to read, and practice magic…he likes to run and race the other children."
Nodding, Igneel rested his head on the ground, smiling faintly. "And yet, you still attempt to join him in such games."
Nodding, Zeref smiled faintly. "Yeah. One day…one day, you should meet him too. I think he'd like you…and that you'd be much better at playing those games with him than I am." Igneel shook his head, sighing.
"Alas…humans these days would likely not allow it. As it stands, despite my own willingness to befriend your kind…we both know what they would do if they discovered you sneaking out to see me, Zeref." Those warnings had been common. Despite the fact that fire dragons had never once fought and attacked humans during the war, it was almost like treason for a human to befriend one during that era. "Though…eras end, and people change as time passes. Perhaps when we are all older, the opportunity will arise and I will be able to meet this brother of yours. Until then…I see you've brought a book. Would you like to read it to me again, like usual?"
The memory faded, and Zeref found himself sitting on the bathroom floor with an odd smile on his face. He had snuck away far often than he should have, simply to read and study more magic with the only friend he'd been able to make. Igneel hadn't even been human, yet Zeref felt like he'd know the fire dragon better than some of the people he lived in town with. Now, like so many others, he was gone because of Zeref's own plotting and actions. Yet, oddly the guilt didn't bother him so much with Igneel as it did the others. Perhaps it was because that death served some greater purpose. Or, perhaps it was due to his own conflicting emotions about the fire dragon king, due to his later memories that had tainted his fond ones with shadows of anger and loss.
"Zeref?" A voice calling out made him sit up straighter, remembering that he had meant to be quick about this. "Zeref!" The voice was louder, sounding on the verge of panic. He moved to his feet, keeping a towel wrapped around his waist as he opened the door and saw Levy on her feet, moving around the room frantically. She spun around at the sound of the door opening, her eyes widening as she saw him. For a moment, she remained still, before charging forward with a glare. "You promised you wouldn't leave until I woke up! Idiot, what are you even—"
"Good morning, Levy." Zeref interrupted her, watching her blink a few times as he chuckled faintly, shaking his head. "I see you've regained some of your former energy. That is good to see. As for leaving…I suspected it might make things more efficient if I cleaned what damage remained while you slept."
Blinking, she finally seemed to register that he was standing in front of her in a towel, in front of a bathroom. "O-oh." She stuttered, before blushing and looking away. "Sorry. Good morning…"
Reaching forward, Zeref gently ruffled her hair. She seemed to freeze, her eyes growing wide and Zeref hesitated himself. They hadn't exactly spoken about these matters now had they? Yet, after last night, he felt like he could be less reserved around her. She was aware of his attachment to her, and while se had not entirely confirmed her feelings for him, he was feeling more and more certain that she'd been trying to tell him his own assumption about her feelings was wrong. "You are welcome to do the same." He frowned at her, seeing the stains on her dress. "In fact…I'd recommend doing so."
She glanced at the bathroom, hesitating for a moment. Then, her gaze drifted down to herself, biting her lip as her breath seemed to hitch for a moment. He watched her face grow pale as she stared at the bloodstains on her clothes, with one of her hands gently tracing the outline of a few of the oddly-shaped marks. "I…right. I didn't even think about…"
"It's alright." Zeref smiled at her, moving away. "If…if you wished to speak to me more seriously about…last night, I can most certainly take a break from my work today." He would take as long of a break as was needed to deal with this. Right now, ensuring that he had not terrified Levy into leaving was his highest priority.
Nodding, Levy watched him for a moment before walking into her room. Oddly, she left the door between the two open, returning quickly after grabbing a change of clothes. "Zeref?" He glanced at her, seeing her pausing at the door to the bathroom. "I…you have realized by now…that I…" She trailed off, one hand lifting and pressing to her chest. She swallowed, staring at her feet and shaking her head. "That I really do care about you, right?"
Zeref wondered if she'd been about to say something else, but he smiled at her words regardless. "Of course. I…I did not mean to imply otherwise." He paused, frowning and closing his eyes. "It…those moods, they are difficult to describe. Often times, I see the worst in everything in those moments…in myself, in others, in the world…yet I can also see the potential for how things should be in those things. I wish for perfection, and know it is not possible to achieve, yet when I fail or when something makes me realize how much I've lost or how little I have…always, it makes it difficult for me to see reasons to enjoy this life."
She nodded, turning her back to him. "Then I guess I'll just have to see past that for you." He watched her, not able to see the determined expression she wore from the direction she was facing. "We'll…you'll wait here, to talk, right?" He nodded, and he saw her smile brightly at him in return. It wasn't as bright as he was used to, not showing her teeth and still existing side by side with a haunted look in her eyes. Yet, it was a smile and it was enough to tell him she'd at least be willing to try and move past this with him.
When she disappeared to clean herself off, Zeref yet again found himself idly thinking about his past, his curse, and what his future might hold. He returned to his bed, lying down with his eyes closed and simply listening to the sound of water running in the adjacent room. A part of him was impatient for her to finish, yet another part of him just wanted to remain in this oddly peaceful haze, lost in thoughts and not truly feeling depressed or pleased with his current situation.
When Levy did come out, she didn't even hesitate before crawling back into the bed by his side. He blinked in surprise, watching as she curled next to him, one arm wrapping around his waist as she pressed her head into his shoulder. "So…about last night…" She trailed off, her voice somewhat muffled. However, Zeref simply felt warm, and his pulse was slowly quickening with her being so close to him. "Can…can I take this to mean that Invel was right?"
It was as decent of a place to start as any. Zeref saw her brown eyes searching his own, frowning as she waited for a confirmation. Reaching forward, Zeref gently cupped her cheek, sighing and nodding. "Yes. Typically…the Twelve usually are observant enough to see such things in me. August and Invel are especially so."
"For how long?" She seemed to have hidden her expression, and Zeref felt oddly vulnerable. It was almost like a repeat of that time in Edolas, when he had offered to take the time to answer any of her questions. This time, he had made no such offer…but he was just as vulnerable, and answering far more personal questions.
Zeref's hand trailed over her cheek, moving to curl into her hair instead. It was soft, tangling between his fingers far more easily than his own hair ever did. "I'm not quite certain." She didn't reply at first, so Zeref kept explaining further. "Sometime while we were in Edolas…that much I am certain of. At first…you were like most people. I assumed you'd agree with your companions not to trust me, and that there would be little benefit in our alliance due to such strong anger between you, your friends, and myself."
"But the war had nothing to do with getting home. Really, it would have been stupid to let that get in the way, when we all had reasons to want—"
"I know." Zeref smiled faintly, sighing. "That…that right there, I think, is part of what I began to see. Unlike the others…you were willing to put that aside. Originally, I simply told myself it was likely due to the idea that you wished to use me, much like the dark guilds often desire in this world. Then…when you began to seem so insistent that I return along with you…I questioned exactly what your motives were. It made little sense to me, and I grew more and more curious about you…until it became rather obvious that unlike the others, you were simply accepting me as I was, and trying to understand who that person was."
"So…in the park, when you were asking me to be your friend…"
He smiled, closing his eyes. "I had already decided. It was not wise for me to do so, given my own instability and indecisiveness regarding the war at the time…but it also was not wise for me to feel affectionate towards Mavis nearly a century ago, and yet I still could not stop the feeling."
Pausing for a moment, Zeref frowned at her. Levy was keeping her cheek pressed against his shoulder, one arm gently tracing patterns over his chest. "And you…last night did not provide a decent means for you to truly explain your stance on the matter." Levy's cheeks reddened but she didn't seem to reply. "I will not blame you for seeing me as nothing more than your friend, Levy. However much you may fear harming me, I would prefer to know the truth now rather than later. Don't…don't pretend to have feelings you do not, when you are simply trying to avoid pushing me back towards…" He trailed off, uncertain of how to phrase it less bluntly than usual. Given how recent that was, he supposed she'd likely be sensitive to speaking about his suicide attempt last night.
"I…I wouldn't do something that stupid." Her brow furrowed, and he watched her take a deep breath, shaking her head. "Plus, do you really think I would have agreed to Invel's little training idea if I wasn't at least the slightest bit interested in the future he thought we'd have?" Zeref stared at her, feeling little beyond her presence by his side and the pounding of his heart. "I…you've always been a bit of a mystery to me, and I think there's always going to be something I don't understand about you…but you're also incredibly protective of what you care for and you fight for what you believe in at all costs. Unlike most people these days, you actually value knowing things and you…you treat me like an equal, and don't look down on me like most people do." She brushed hair out of her face, lowering her gaze. "I…it made me feel happy, having you do that. It's…I'm not saying this right…" She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut and taking a deep breath. Still, Zeref had already heard enough.
Untangling his hand from her hair, Zeref gently placed his fingers on her chin, tipping her head upwards. She blinked in surprise, her eyes widening as Zeref leaned towards her, closing his eyes and pressing his lips to hers. Unlike the last two times which had come in moments of desperation, this one was calm. Zeref could take his time and relax, focusing on how soft Levy's lips felt against his own and the way she seemed to take a moment before her grip tightened on his side. She shifted her weight slightly, angling herself so that she was more comfortable next to him. All the while, Zeref could feel an unfamiliar warmth spreading throughout him. His heart pounded, and while he may have had a lingering fear that this would end in tragedy, it was getting easier to push that fear away and ignore it. Levy was not Mavis, and his curse was gone. He smiled to himself even as he kissed Levy, letting his hand slip behind her neck and press into the back of her head instead. He could love Levy as much as he desired, and she would not die like those in his past. For the first time, he could let himself feel…and he was glad for it.
When Levy began to pull back, Zeref let his grip loosen on the back of her head, watching her carefully. Her eyes slowly opened, and for a moment, they were unfocused as she breathed heavily in front of him. The hand that wasn't around his waist lifted to her chest, pressing itself there as she seemed to try and calm herself. However, Zeref pressed his forehead to hers, taking a deep breath of his own and closing his eyes to focus on the lingering warmth within him. "I love you, Levy. I regret not being the first to inform you of that fact…but I suppose it is still true nonetheless."
She said nothing in return, and Zeref was rather content with the silence. He knew she would need time to sort out exactly how strong her feelings were, but this hope and this closeness to her was enough for him. Yet, as her breathing slowly calmed and she relaxed by his side again, he felt her lips gently press against his neck, making his skin tingle. "I…I love you too, Zeref." He froze, his eyes widening as he glanced towards her. Yet, despite the redness of her cheeks, she was acting as if she had said nothing. "Though…I guess you were right last night about that too. I'm…I haven't really been a romantic sort of girl before…so I really don't know much about this kind of thing. I'll probably yell at you a lot, and we'll probably get into arguments…but you don't have to take that personally, okay? It's just…"
Nodding, Zeref smiled and stroked her hair, sighing. "I know." He closed his eyes, shaking his head. "I suppose I am not one to judge either. Really…given my own history and my former curse…such things were not possible for me, either."
Levy leaned away, much to Zeref's dismay. Her eyebrows raised, and she crossed her arms over her chest as she sat up. "Oh really? And this is coming…from a guy who has a kid."
Snorting, Zeref rolled his eyes at her. "Hardly." She narrowed her eyes, while Zeref smiled faintly and sat up with her. "August is over eighty years of age. Unless you have a very unusual definition for the term kid, August does not fit such a description."
"You know what I mean!" She glared at him, shaking her head. "There are….things…you have to do, before you could even possibly have a son or daughter."
Was she really that uncomfortable with the topic? Zeref watched her face turning even redder every moment, and yet, despite her embarrassment, he found the sight oddly endearing. "I suppose there are." He supposed he could have tormented her further, yet it still felt rather soon to tease about such things. So, he simply smiled, shaking his head. "Yet, that is not the same as a true relationship. One moment between myself and Mavis which ended in her death hardly constitutes as such an event."
"One…wait, I thought you and Mavis were together for longer than that!"
"Since when have I implied otherwise?" He raised his eyebrows at her, seeing Levy frown in confusion. "Perhaps I held an interest in her for longer…but she saw me as little beyond a friend at most. Given the curse, a moment such as that could easily be born of desperation, rather than true emotions…" He trailed off, realizing he was getting far more detailed than he likely needed to be.
Watching him, Levy shook her head and sighed. "Well, whatever the reasons were…I guess there's really no point in arguing over it." She smiled at him, moving to rise to her feet. "So, what is the plan for today, then? No offense…but I'm not all that keen on leaving you alone after last night. Even when dealing with news that should be obvious enough to be good, you find a way to turn it into something negative and do that in response."
Yet, recalling last night, it was rather easy to find his resolve. "I won't do that again, Levy." He wouldn't watch her try and do the same thing in front of him, with the same logic he always used himself. It had been terrifying, to be faced with the reality of what he had been doing to those around him. Part of him wondered if she truly would have gone through with it, but did it really matter? Just the thought that she was willing to make an attempt terrified him. "However…I will make no objections to the company." He frowned, turning towards her. "How…how much has Invel managed to cover with you? I'd…perhaps I could take a break, but I do not think I should. I've been refraining from completing this work for too much time, and it is rather tedious to go back to after it has been delayed for so long."
"Um…I guess I can't really say. I don't know how much more there is to learn, but if you want me to help out, just tell me what I need to do and I'd be happy to help." For how long? Zeref gazed at her, wondering that to himself. She was a part of Fairy Tail, a guild in another country…yet, he wanted her home to be here, with him. Still, whatever time she offered and would share with him would be welcome.
So things are somewhat improving for Zeref now. He's starting to see a bit of what he's doing to others, at least. Thank you to Lustwell for the reviews! I'm glad you've enjoyed the last few chapters...sorry for such a depressing one last time. We should be through the worst of it...for this arc at least. Either way, we're a little over half way through the story at this point, so there's still quite a bit more to come. Feel free to review and tell me what you think!