Ch. 4 Making Amends
In the following weeks, I felt more at a loss than ever since arriving in this world. None of my attempts at going back to the real world had worked, and that last stupid idea had nearly killed me, which was the purpose, sure, but who the hell tries to kill themself to live?! Like what kind of sense does that make?!
I finally reached the conclusion that for whatever reason, this was my new life—a second chance I never asked for—and I should respect it more. I mean, it wasn't a terrible existence. I needed to be VERY careful all the time to avoid trips to the hospital, but that last one was obviously my fault.
Charlie grounded me, not as punishment, but to keep a close eye on me. Once I had been released from my mandatory 72 hour monitoring at the hospital for my suicide attempt, he decided to cut back his work hours so that he would be home when I arrived back from school each day and only worked half days on the weekend. This only added to my guilt because I knew he had still been busy with the missing hiker investigation. I was only further complicating everyone's lives and causing undue stress in my attempts to "fix" my own.
The look in his eyes when I saw him that first time after I woke up in the hospital broke me. Here he was being the best father he could be, and I—his supposed daughter—was behaving erratically and putting my life at risk over and over again. I had never been close to my parents, and I didn't know how to be a good daughter because being a good daughter back home had always entailed being as silent as possible or just staying out of the way all together when my father was in one of his frequently drunken states, hence my independent nature. But Charlie Swan deserved better.
Thankfully, after years of therapy, I had felt like I could break the cycle, and now I had this extraordinary chance to finally prove to myself that I could live in and be a part of a normal, functioning family. I needed to appreciate this opportunity for what it was, Twilight characters or not.
As I silently worked through my issues, Edward ignored me for weeks. I mean, I deserved it after the way I had treated him. He and his sister had tried to keep me safe, no matter what their motivations were, and I had acted like a jerk.
After nearly a month of radio silence, I decided to apologize to him. He had avoided me, per usual, in gym, and since I was still sitting out, I didn't have a chance to speak with him that period. I figured trying to address him directly at lunch would be pointless because the rest of his family would be there, and plus I had avoided going to the lunchroom ever since my return to school that next week, instead electing to spend my afternoons in the library to catch up on all the schoolwork I had missed. I needed to get my shit together if I was going to take this life seriously.
I was no longer the exciting, shiny, new toy since my classmates heard about all the accidents and my shameful suicide attempt. Now people seemed to just see me as a freak and avoided crossing my path as much as possible. I laughed bitterly to myself at the extremes it took to finally get what I had thought that I wanted, total seclusion. Now that I had decided to really embrace my time here, I was truly alone.
Spanish class was my last chance to speak with Edward this particular February afternoon. Once I reached the classroom, I walked to my desk—which was opportunistically sitting right next to his—and with a deep breath and a silent prayer, I turned to face him head on.
"Edward?" He narrowed his eyes, and I blushed. Deep breaths, Iris. It's fine. Everything is A-OK.
"I'm sorry, are you speaking to me again?" He sounded upset. Yikes.
"Umm, yes?" Do the doe-eyes. He can't resist Bella's face!
His eyes softened slightly, but his lips remained in a tight line. "Right, so get on with it. What is it?" Ouch. He's still mad. I mean, I hadn't really said anything yet to change his attitude, so I don't know what I had expected.
"I just...could I speak with you, privately, after class?" I glanced nervously at the Emmett sitting on his other side and back to him. I bit my lower lip. Hmm, so I must have gotten that nervous habit from Bella too or maybe Edward just brings out a new, insecure side of myself.
He looked to Emmett and seemed to deliberate for a moment before shrugging exasperatedly with an eye roll, and shaking his head. "Fine, but you should know that your communication with me might risk a friendship forming." His expression was unreadable.
Was that a joke? I couldn't tell. I decided to play his own game per the books. "I never meant that I didn't want to be friends, only that it would better if we weren't. I wouldn't want to disappoint you when I leave is all."
"You think very highly of the effect of your presence on others, don't you?" There was a hint of a smile in his eyes. He was definitely playing with me.
"I'm very lovable. It's my worst character flaw." I batted my eyelashes, noting how easy he was to talk to. I had always pictured him as intense and mopey when reading the books. Maybe the movie version of him had influenced my perception of him too greatly.
"So I see." He actually cracked a small smile that time. Yes! I had him! Wait, why was this so important to me...?
"¡ Atención, clase! Es hora de que la lección comience." I turned back to face Mrs. Goff as she started her lecture.
I smiled to myself, still blushing after the small compliment Edward had given me, and were those butterflies in my stomach? What was I twelve? He's trapped in the body of a seventeen year old boy, Iris. This is practically pedophilia. Although, you're in the body of a seventeen year old girl so...And he's got the mind of a hundred year old vampire. Would it really be that bad to be interested? Hadn't you always admired his love for Bella? Although, he did have control issues, but I could handle that no problem. I wasn't like sweet little, meek Bella, despite our shared looks. Couldn't that also be a problem though? I wasn't Bella. Bella was his true mate. She was who he wanted, needed. I was Iris McGee, a far cry from Bella Swan.
I had been stewing to myself for most of the class when the bell rang and I literally jumped out of my thoughts. I looked around, red-faced and heart racing, as everyone began shuffling out the door excited to finally be on their way home. It was Friday afternoon, so all the students were chatting about weekend plans and getting to sleep in for two days in a row, you know, typical teenage stuff.
"Ahem." I looked up to see Edward standing beside my desk, looking down at me. The fluorescent light above him seemed to form a halo around his head. I snorted, earning myself a raised brow from him. He was a good person, but I knew all too well that he was no angel. "You wanted to speak to me?" His tone was clipped again.
"Yes..." I hesitated to continue. How to proceed? I always felt so awkward when it came to expressing my emotions to others aside from anger. That one came naturally... Most of the time I used humor as a defense mechanism to avoid the gushy stuff. I was aware of these deficits in my personality, but, alas, it was very difficult to improve upon one's self. Introspection was for the birds as far as I was concerned.
"Well, I'm listening, but I don't have all day. Alice and the others will not wait long for me take them home, and my other sister, Rosalie, knows how to hotwire a car and will not hesitate to do so if I'm not there soon. I'm not exactly in the mood to walk home in this rain..." He finished, staring at me pointedly. I guess Edward Cullen wasn't as patient as I had always pinned him to be when he spoke to Bella in the books. Although, he liked book Bella much more than he seemed to like me, and I hadn't given him much reason to feel otherwise.
Just spit it out, McGee. "Sorry for the way I've treated you recently. I realize that I've made many, many mistakes in my short time here, and even before I arrived, not that you would care about then, but anyway, I'm trying to make amends with those I've hurt. I just want a clean slate if you'll forgive me." I was staring at the white speckled tiles on the floor as if there were some reason I needed to memorize the design. Just say thank you and leave, Cullen. This silence is killing me. It's so awkward.
"Bella?" My thoughts were spiraling out of control, so I momentarily forgot that was my name here. I didn't respond quickly enough, so after a few moments of consideration he carefully reached his finger out and lifted my chin so I would meet his eyes. When he saw that I was paying attention, he stated simply, "You're forgiven."
I didn't even react to his icy, cold touch. I expected the decreased temperature, but, boy, was his skin smooth. Oh, and those molten, golden lava eyes..."Umm...thanks. So fresh start then?"
"Absolutely." Why was he so willing to hang around me, a human? I mean, I don't want to complain, but how had our roles become reversed with me pushing him away and him being the one to forgive my cryptic rudeness too quickly? Very strange.
"Great. See you later...buddy."
He chuckled as I walked away, but I thought I heard him say something quietly to himself that sounded like, "Yes, later." Ok, Creepward.
I walked out to the parking lot feeling a lot better with some of my problems resolved. I caught sight of Angela Webber and even decided to ask her about her weekend plans. She seemed like a genuinely kind person in the books, and we hadn't really had a chance to talk between her introversion and my bratty behavior toward everyone. Surprisingly enough she accepted my offer to go see a movie in Port Angeles Saturday night. She also invited me to go to La Push with the group that same morning. Knowing it would give me a chance to finally meet Jacob, I was all in. If I was going to be trapped in Twilight, I might as well meet all of my favorite characters, right?
Thanks to my new found perspective and acceptance that nothing here was in my control, I felt lighter, more buoyant, and excited. I hadn't even been to the hospital in over a month! Things were looking up for me, after all. I probably shouldn't think things like that though...
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