A/N: I really hope you guys enjoy this and you guys forgive me for all the tears from the last chapter. I feel like I've just given birth to a baby.
Thanks again for all the support. To the guests who review I'm so sad I can't respond to you guys individually. But thank you so much, I love reading your reviews. This chapter is for you guys.
Disclaimer: I do not own MacGyver or these characters, just borrowing for free fun.
Moments Like This
Chapter Eight- The Last to Know
With her tail between her legs, Riley takes an uber to Bozer's apartment. The driver looks at her like she's crazy because she looks like it. Her face is a massacre of dried, caked tears and runny mascara. She doesn't have the energy to muster up any embarrassment. She feels like she's been cracked open and all her energy is draining out of her.
When Bozer opens his door, the tears are triggered all over again.
"I'm sorry, you were right about everything," she wheezes it out before he can get a word in. His face goes from shock to sympathetic in a matter of seconds. He opens his arms for her and she's relieved he's not waiting with an 'I told you so' she already feels stupid enough. She lets it all go on his shoulder, a symphony of sobs and obscenities. She feels angry and sad but most of all, she feels stupid.
An hour later she and Bozer are curled up on his couch sharing a tub of ice cream with two spoons. Riley's legs are cocooned in a green throw blanket and Bozer is sitting on the other end of the couch with his legs on the coffee table.
"Wow, that's a lot," he says, once she catches him up on the romantic/not so romantic adventures of Mac and Riley.
She nods slowly, shoveling a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.
"You sure you don't need a drink?" he offers for the second time but flashbacks of her puking on Mac's shoe still haunts her dreams. She shakes her head no and taps on the tub of cream, "the calories will suffice,"
"Whatever takes the edge off," he says.
"I can't believe what I've become Bozer. You should have seen me crying in the streets like I was crazy," she can't help but laugh at herself, a bitter type of chuckle.
"You used to be the coolest person I know," he says, teasing her.
"Shut up," she pushes him with her socked feet. "I still am, I've had enough of it to be honest. And it ends now,"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I'm done," she sighs, shoulders sagging.
Bozer squints at her, "done how?"
She shrugs in response.
"I'm no expert on matters of the heart by any stretch, but you can't decide to not have feelings for Mac anymore, I don't think that's how it works."
She pushes the ice cream away, "I mean I'm done feeling sorry for myself."
Bozer covers the pint of ice cream and turns to face Riley. "I'm listening,"
"You weren't crying in the streets over me, were you? You got over it, just like I will."
"No but there's a big difference…"
She sucks the spoon the clean and says, "which is?"
"I had a crush on you, infatuation even but you are in love,"
She freezes at his words only to recover too late to play it off like it wasn't true.
"I didn't say I was,"
He reaches for her hand, "you didn't have to."
"You know, I'll never understand how Leanna could leave you, you're a great guy Bozer," She squeezes his hand and he smiles sadly. She knows he hates talking about so she doesn't add anything else.
"Are you still gonna tell him?"
She shakes her head. "What's the point now? I already know how he feels."
He has some protest left in him but chooses not to press her, at least not tonight. He stands, with the ice cream in his hands, "should I get the pillow then?"
She shakes her head, outs the spoon down on the table and gets to her feet as well. "I'm gonna get some air. I'll see you later tonight."
Half an hour later, Riley winds up on the same hiking trail she and Mac had been on. The view is a lot different at night. There's something lonely about the city lights, or perhaps that's her just her projecting.
She doesn't know why she's here, for some reason her mind lead her here.
She intends to stay until the ache in her chest dulls but she doesn't know if that will ever happen. She's always known there's a chance he doesn't feel the same way but having it confirmed feels like it's destroying from her from the inside out.
It's peaceful in her surroundings, despite the chaos in her heart.
At least now, she doesn't have to wonder anymore.
Maybe an hour rolls by, she's not sure. She just knows she hears him calling her name and thinks she hallucinating.
"You're losing it Riley," she mumbles to herself. But she hears it again, accompanied with footsteps and she knows she's not that crazy. She whips her head around and her eyes fall on him.
"Mac?"
He's panting like he ran the whole path. She gets up immediately, dusting the sand off her pants, he smiles at her in a way that unsettles her. Why is he so chipper?
"How did you find me?" she says, remembering she's upset.
Catching his breath with one last gulp of air, he says, "I looked for you at Bozer's. When I couldn't find you there, I told Matty you lost your phone and you needed it traced."
She's amused now, despite the situation. "How'd that work out for you?"
"Not good, your phone is untraceable, should have known,"
She nods, folding her arms in a subconscious reflex to protect herself from him.
"But then, I bribed an analyst to track you on traffic cams from Bozer's apartment, discreetly. Once I got a general location, I took a lucky guess."
"Okay, that's the how, what about a why?"
He takes slow, calculated steps towards her. Slowly closing the space between them. She still doesn't like the look on his face, like he knows a secret she doesn't.
"I had to apology for two things," he says.
Tightening the grip on her torso, she takes a few steps back and says, "I'm listening,"
He takes a large step toward her again, "One, I'm sorry about what you saw back at the house. I know what it looked like but it wasn't what it looked like…"
"A romantic dinner with your girlfriend was actually something else?" She knows her tone is clipped and doesn't bat an eye at how annoyed she sounds. What does it matter now anyway?
"Desi got back today, she set up the whole dinner before I got home, I wasn't expecting to break up with her in that way-"
Riley's heart stops. His words crash against her and almost throw her off her feet. What? He broke up with her?
"You and Desi broke up?" she says in a quiet voice. In case she had hallucinated the whole thing, she needs to hear him say it.
He nods, "It's why I didn't-couldn't run after you, I had to finish talking to Desi."
Her head is spinning at this point. She feels like she just entered the exam room for an exam she didn't study for. Or maybe for a class she's never taken. He wanted to run after her? What?
In a breathy whisper, swaying slightly, she says, "y-you wanted to come after me?"
"So badly," he nods, trying to hide a smirk. Keyword being trying.
Even after the day she's had, she still slips into friend mode, almost unconsciously.
"Are you okay? With the break up and everything." she says. He doesn't look upset about it but then again, Mac isn't the president of the express your emotions club.
He shakes his head as if the very notion is ridiculous. He pointedly takes another step in her direction.
"I think I've know since we came back to the Phoenix that me and Desi were a sinking ship. Truthfully, right now, the break up is the last thing on my mind." His eyes are wide like saucers, full with unbridled emotion. Like he's inviting her to read him like a book. What she ends up reading, she can't quite believe it…
Her body is running hot and cold and her heart is trying to leap out of her chest to latch on to Mac's.
She clears her throat, "And what's the next thing you're sorry for?"
He takes another step, the tips of their shoes now touching, closing the remaining space between them.
"I'm sorry that I've been so stupid. I realized something when we were in Germany, in that collapsed building…and you've been proving it over and over ever since," he holds her gaze now, like he's daring her to blink, to break their moment, "I'm sorry," he raises his hand to cradle her head from her cheek to her neck and Riley suddenly forgets how to breathe, "that I was the last to know."
Her brown eyes cloud with confusion and she wants to ask him what he's the last to know but the thought leaves her as swiftly as it comes. He drops his forehead to hers and they breathe the same breath. He nuzzles her nose with his own and her body erupts in nerves and electricity. Her breathing hitches as months of anticipation all pour into this one moment.
He captures her lips in a searing kiss. Bold and brazen, she has no choice but to follow his lips and lean into the kiss. She's overwhelmed with the taste of him, the smell of him and feel of him. She can hardly record how good it feels with each of her senses. Coherent thoughts are a thing of the past as he deepens the kiss, delving into her open mouth with his tongue. His hand around her neck tightens in a possessive grip, she wraps her own hand around his wrist keeping his hand there. Her other hand grips the hem of his shirt so tight, her knuckles go white.
Only the stars in the night sky knows how long they stayed in that embrace.
When their lips finally separate, Mac slides his hand down from her neck. His fingers travel down her arms, to hold on to her hand, leaving goosebumps in his wake.
She presses her forehead to his smiling, "How does it take a genius that long to figure it out?"
She feels like laughing and crying but she cleaves onto him and he holds her firmly to reality.
He grins, boyish and coy, just how she likes him. "Better late than never count for anything?" He places a chaste kiss on her forehead and her eyes flutter close upon contact.
She steps back from him so her thoughts can begin making sense again. She's always wanted this, to hear him say those words, to kiss his lips. But it's never seemed possible so she's always ended her fantasies right here. But tonight, doesn't feel like an ending. It feels like a beginning, and now she's not sure what to do.
"Did I say something wrong?"
She shakes her head, "no, nothing." I just never thought this would happen. But what do we do now?"
He smiles, pulls her to his side and says, "now, we go home."
They get back to the house a little after ten p.m. Riley's thoughts are moving too fast for her to sort through her feelings-which she has an abundance of. Of course, she's excited, but she's also nervous. About what this could mean moving forward, how she's ever going to face Desi again? Will Matty figure them out with one look at them? Would she even allow it? Would she have to choose between work and Mac? And is Mac even sure about being with her?
One thing at a time. That's the only way she's going to make it out alive.
"I should text Bozer, tell him not to expect me back." she says.
He nods like it's a good idea but she looks down at their linked hands expecting him to give her hand back so she could make the text but he does nothing of the type.
Instead, he pulls her to him and kisses her again like it's going out of style. Of course, she agrees Bozer could wait five more minutes for a message. She wraps her arms around his neck and melts into body. His kisses are electric, it feels like he's shooting her with little bolts of electricity every time their lips touch.
He finally releases her lips and her hand a few moments later. She turns her back to him while she takes out her phone to construct the text.
He wraps his arms around her waist before she can finish constructing the text, kissing her neck like they've been doing it for ages. The high she gets from it is very confusing and disorienting. She can hardly form coherent thoughts.
"Maaac," she wiggles out of his grasp to try and get a break from her racing thoughts.
"I had no idea you were this affectionate," she says, strolling to the living room. He's close behind her with a full face blush.
"I don't think I've ever been, not before." He looks embarrassed, which wasn't her intention.
She sits on the couch and he follows suit. When he reaches for her hand she drops it.
Disappointment flashes across his face and it cuts something inside her. She can't believe she wants him to slow down when this is everything she's ever wanted. But how could she not? His relationship with Desi has been over for a few hours and she supposed to ignore that and delve into a relationship with him?
"Tell me what I'm doing wrong?" he says in a desperate tone.
She shakes her head with a smile trying to lighten his falling mood, "when you touch me, I can't really think straight." He smiles, blushing lightly. Without warning, he leans over her and hovers in front of her face, "how's your thinking now?"
Laughing, she swats him away. Her body is warm with happiness and she wishes they can stay in this oblivious bubble, without responsibilities and doubts but…
"I think now is a moment for me to be thinking straight."
He sobers with seriousness and sits up for them to talk.
"I've been with my feelings for so long, I've never thought about what would happen if you actually felt the same way,"
She can tell by the look on his face he's not sure how to feel. Not sure how this conversation is going to end.
"What are you getting at Riles?"
She rakes her hand over her face, releasing a deep sigh simultaneously, "you just got out of a relationship…like two hour ago. You don't think you should mourn that relationship for more than a few hours?"
"I see your point." He rubs at his eyebrow. "I did, but Desi and I have been over since before she left for that mission. Maybe even since Codex. Only now it's official."
She's not sure she buys it. She's lived with them since Codex and they've been the same tumultuous couple they've always been. Unless Mac was just going on along with it for Desi's sake. Was he? She can't know for sure.
"Maybe rushing into this is a bad idea," She takes a breath, she can't believe she's saying the words. "Maybe we're sabotaging ourselves by rushing into this? Maybe we should pause."
She knows they've barely stared. She knows she's been pining after him for months and now she's refusing to explore them. But she also knows what a break up feels like. After Billy, if she had been pushed into a relationship then it would have been a disaster. She really, really doesn't want her and Mac to crash and burn before they had a fighting chance.
He looks solemn, face completely sunken. His Adam's apple jutted out the way it always did when he was upset. "If that's what you want,"
"It's not what I want but I think it's the smartest thing to do," she says with a finality.
"In a couple months, maybe we'll see how you feel."
His eyebrows raise, "Months?"
"I don't know, that was a ball park range." She's flustered now, "I'm delirious. I'm gonna get some sleep." She gets up from the couch and rushes to her room. What the fuck is she doing?
She presses her head against the door and has to physically refrain from smashing her head into the door over and over. With her head against the door she can hear him get up from the couch and shuffle over to her door. She holds her breath, she's not sure if she wants him to knock or not.
He hovers in front her door for almost a minute. She can almost the feel wheels in his head turning. Has he come to change her mind? She's already having doubts herself. But as the minute rolls by, she hears him pad away.
She drags her feet to her bed, doubting every decision she's made tonight. Logically she knows it's right but it feels terrible, she feels defeated. She drops to her bed and exhaustion drags her down to a fitful sleep.
Mac plagues her dreams. She dreams about them in Germany.
'You think this job screwed us up so bad we can never have normal, healthy relationships?'
The absolute terror that the last conversation she'd ever have with Mac was about Aubrey.
The way he clung to her jacket, the way she clung to his shirt.
'Here's something I've never told anybody, when we're on a mission, and…I'm about to do something really stupid, I imagine it all going wrong and I see myself die. Every time. I can't help it. But, every time, I just regret that I'm alone.'
When Riley shoots awake with a chill in her chest. It's before three a.m according to her alarm clock. The first thing on her mind as she shakes off the fog of her dream is Mac. She gets up slowly and strips the clothes she wore all night. She then jumps into the shower with a heavy heart. A hot shower gives her some much needed clarity. She lets the hot water run all over her, soaking her hair and running down her face.
There's a lot of reasons she and Mac should walk before they run. But it dawns on Riley just how dangerous the work they do is. How fleeting life can be. And how lonely it makes Mac feel, despite being surrounded by people.
If there's even a chance she could lose him tomorrow, or the day after, she doesn't want to waste another day, another minute. When she gets out of the shower, she dries then lotions her skin. She then slips on an oversized t-shirt, for-going underwear and towel dries her hair until it's damp. She flings the damp towel unto her bed with reckless abandon. She then pads softly to Mac's room.
Read & Review