Ch. 26 Unsettled

It is a strange thing to know that you have died. It is a stranger thing to know that you lived after death. I wonder if this is how the Cullens felt. I had this peculiar feeling, though. I couldn't remember dying. As hard as I tried to force the memory, it wasn't there. I was in the trauma room up on the table, and then I wasn't. Something was off. It was very unsettling, but maybe no one could truly remember their death...

"Love, what would you like?" Edward was leaning forward so that his eyes were level with mine. He was beautiful, but he looked sad. He had looked this way at me, a combination of pity and doubt, since I woke up early this Friday morning. When he saw how upset I was, he opted to stay with me all morning rather than leave early to go hunting with His family. Alice was staying behind for our girl's weekend—Rosalie was totally fine with skipping that. Surprise, surprise. He would be leaving to go meet his family after lunch before the sun came out. I told him to leave, but he's a stubborn ass—my stubborn ass—but still. So here we were.

"I'm sorry?"

"To eat. What would you like?" I looked around. We were standing in the kitchen. Edward had his hand extended toward a cold slice of pizza in the fridge. Ugh. I might vomit. I shook my head in answer to his gesture. "Iris, you didn't eat breakfast. You must be hungry. I can hear your stomach growling now..."

"That's weird that you can hear that, and I'm just not feeling up to eating right now. There are granola bars and bananas here. I'll snack on those later."

"Ok fine, but for the record, I disagree with your choice to not nourish yourself." We had been working on his control-freak tendencies. He was allowed to verbalize what his advice to me was, of course, but he was not supposed to try to force anything on to me. I was pretty proud of how far he had come, though his jaw would be so tight when I went against his wishes that I thought he might grind his beautiful teeth into oblivion.

I hadn't slept very well last night, waking every few hours after my strange dream. After that I had asked Edward to stay. It was our first "sleepover." So as we sat on the sofa together, I laid against Edward, feeling drowsy.

"Sorry about last night. I know it probably wasn't how you wanted our first time to be." I yawned.

"First time?" Was that confusion in his voice?

"You know, the first time you stayed over." I explained as I sunk further into his steel frame. It wasn't uncomfortable. This body seemed to fit perfectly into his. Thank you Isabella Swan.

"Right." He frowned, but his face looked strange.

"What's with the face?" I pulled back a bit to see him more clearly.

"I thought you liked my face?" He smiled angelically.

"It's ridiculous how handsome you are, but that's not what I meant. You looked strange when I said that was our first time." I narrowed my eyes at him. What's with you, Cullen? Why would that...Wait a minute..."That WAS your first time staying over in my room the whole night, right?"

"Well..." Oh my gosh. My face flew into my hands.

"You didn't!" I should have known.

"You talk in your sleep." What the hell kind of answer is that? Damnit Bella and your sleep talking.

"Ugh. This is just like the books. How long?"

"How long what?" He was still playing dumb.

"Don't play innocent with me, Stalkward. When did you first slip into my room?"

"Stalkward?" He laughed, but I glared at him, effectively making him quiet. "The night after the accident with Tyler's van..."

"Of course you did. It would have been too much to expect you to stay out of my room without my consent. What did I say?"

"Love, I'm sorry. You were just so—"

"What did I say?"

"You kept telling Alice that you didn't want to go shopping. It was adorable, but I couldn't understand how you knew she wanted to take you shopping already. You didn't even know her. Now I know." He shrugged. That was too easy.

"That's not all. What else?"

"My name may have escaped your lips a few times..."

"Oh my God, how many times is a few?"

"Seven." He smirked, proud of himself.

"Stalkward..." I growled. He opened his mouth, but I stopped him. "Don't you dare say 'don't be embarrassed because if I could dream at all it would be of you.' I might smack you."

"It's very odd when you do things like that. Are you sure that you don't have a psychic ability?" He was trying to distract me. No dice, you gorgeous stalker.

"No, because if I did, I might have known to address this topic long ago."

"Would you like to watch a movie?"

"Stop trying to change the topic." I spoke firmly to him.

"Is this going to be our first fight? I would have preferred for this 'first' to not go this way, or any way really."

"Our first fight was the day I told you off in Spanish."

"If that was 'telling me off' as you call it, then I will be just fine with you. You look like a tiny—"

"Oh God don't say kitten!" I whined.

"You have a real talent, Love." He laughed. Smug jerk.

"If I didn't love you, I would hate you." I deadpanned.

"I'm so glad for the case to be the former then because I couldn't stand to be the recipient of your hate." His eyes were no longer amused. They were deep, warm, full of genuine love. Oh Edward...

He pulled me closer into his side, positioning me so that he could more easily lean over to brush his lips against my jaw, and along my neck. He moved painfully slow only pausing just before he touched his lips to mine.

"Edward..." I whined. I hated the sound of my voice, but I hated the way he teased me more.

He pulled back a bit, a frown forming along his brow.

I pulled back too. "What is it?" I asked as I placed my hand on his cheek.

"Have you ever..." he hesitated.

"Have I what?" What are you asking? Just spit it out.

"Been with someone?" He finished quietly.

Oh. That. "Not in this body..."

"Right. I understand." He was clamming up, being awkward. Poor inexperienced Edward...

"It was only one person. I was with him for about three years in college. There's been no one else since." I know I didn't have to tell him, but I didn't want any more secrets.

"Did you love him?" He suddenly looked more like a seventeen year old boy, so vulnerable.

"Yes, at the time, but I wasn't lying when I said that I didn't know love before you. The love that I thought I felt for him seems like a schoolyard crush compared to this. If I had known that you were here, and that things would possibly end up this way, I would have waited for you."

"Well, it's not like that's possible for us anyhow." He was hurt, and trying to make it seem like he wasn't.

"Why is it not? I know what you're capable of, maybe more so than you do. I trust you. We can find a way to avoid the baby issue."

"I won't risk it. I won't put you in danger. I've done that enough already."

Fire burned in my mind. "No."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, hell no."

"What do you mean?" Anger was in his voice.

"You don't get to make this decision alone, remember?"

"But can I not make the decision for myself?" He countered.

"So you're saying that you don't ever want to have sex with me?"

"It doesn't matter what I want. You're too vulnerable, and I couldn't live with myself if I harmed you." I couldn't help the sting of rejection that passed through me. This was an all too familiar argument that I knew he had with Bella, but the circumstances here were vastly different. I literally knew what he was capable of. I informed him of such, multiple times, and he was still refusing. Did that mean that he loved Bella more? The fact that she could wear him down, even not knowing the outcome of matters?

"And if I married you?" I questioned hopefully.

I saw a flicker of desire burn through his eyes, but then the stubborn side of him took back over. "I would want nothing more than to call you my wife one day, but it wouldn't make you any less vulnerable."

Ouch. There it was. Even if I met all of his "criteria" I still wouldn't be enough. Maybe I should have argued for him to change me. I didn't really want that, for now at least. I was enjoying reliving my youth and spending time with Charlie, but I guess I always knew that my changing would have to happen eventually. I had just, wrongly apparently, assumed that Edward would be willing to change me after college maybe. It seemed that he was pretty dead set on me staying the way that I was.

"Ok." I didn't want to argue. I felt like my seventeen year old appearance took some credibility from anything I said, and it didn't matter right this second anyway because I knew nothing would come of our argument right now even if we agreed.

He must have seen some of the defeat in my face. "Iris..."

"No, it's ok. I understand your side. It's your right to protect your own virtue, and to not test your limits. I respect it. I don't agree, but I respect it." I tried to shrug off the pain that I was feeling. It's fine, Iris. You're fine. You can still be with him. You've distracted yourself from THAT activity before, and you can do so again.

"Iris. I don't care about my virtue. I love you more than anything. I know you think that you understand because you read about it in a book, but there's a reason that I have never practiced medicine when I've been through the training multiple times. Reading about something and having the experience to make sound judgment when it comes to practicing are two different things. I will not practice on you."

"Ok, yes I get it." My voice sounded a little too dead. Hah. Just like me. I'm dead.

He sighed to himself when he saw that I wasn't going to just pep back up. "How about that movie?" There was a false note of happiness forced into his voice.

"Sounds good." I whispered almost to myself.

He turned on some action film. Charlie didn't have much else available to choose from. Throughout the movie my mind wandered. What should I do? It wasn't about the sex. Truly it wasn't. If that were the only issue, I would gladly forgo the activity so long as it meant that I could have Edward. The real problem was that he loved Bella more. Maybe not now, since I was here. I mean, I could feel that he loved me, but the unfortunate side to knowing too much is that I could compare how things were supposed to play out versus how they were playing out currently. He would have loved Bella with everything in him. They would have butted heads, but then they would have come together to form the greatest of all alliances. I just wasn't sure that I was properly filling that role. If there were some way for me to move on as I should have, to continue on to the light or whatever, I would sacrifice everything that I am for the man that I loved. If it meant that he could have the real Bella back...his intended mate, I would give him that. The bond that he felt must just be the remnant of this body. An echo of what he would have felt. But he seemed happy enough now, and I couldn't get Bella back. What should I do? With that thought, I drifted off to sleep.

•PTaT•

"So the question comes to, what shall we do with you? I find it a most curious situation. See, by all accounts, you should not exist, and yet, here you are." Aro had this way about him. He was somehow the scariest and nicest person in the room at the same time. I couldn't help the way I was shaking.

"She's lying, brother! I know not how she has deceived the likes of you, but deceived she has. There's no place for her here."

"Do you think that I have lied, brother? Do you really think that a human could trick me?" Yep, there was scary Aro.

"I just do not see how what she has showed you and said could possibly have merit. We have lived more than a millennia, and have seen nothing like it. There is some key point that we are missing. I feel that we should tread lightly when there is so much discretion of truth."

"Now now, Caius. Let's not be hasty. Have you not thought of what this could mean? What we might achieve with this young one on our side? You are not seeing clearly the full benefits of an arrangement with her. What do you think, dear Marcus?"

"I know not, of what should come of the girl. She has no ties here, yet she is drawn to this place all the same."

"Curious. Very curious, young Iris. Whatever shall we do with you?"

•PTaT•

I woke up shivering on the couch. Edward had covered me in a blanket, and was sitting on the floor by my head. The same movie was playing. "What is it, Love? Did I wake you?"

"No..." What the fucking hell was that?!

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