Ch. 29 Panic Attack
I've gotta get outta here. I don't know how, but if I'm in danger, so is everyone else. I can't leave in this body. They'll know. I can't stay or else they'll get caught in the middle and die. I'm screwed. They're really screwed. I lived my life already. I died. I was supposed to move on, and, instead, I took a young girl's life away from her, a father and mother's daughter...and to make matters worse, she's still here with me. Has she been witness to me groping her intended mate? Oh God. Bella? Oh God. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to make it work. And Edward? Oh my God...how can I leave him? I can't. I can't leave him. He's too precious to me...no. Oh God, I have to leave him. I have to because it's the right thing to do. He says he loves me, but does he? Can he? Could he love me more than he would love you? He couldn't possibly. I'm fighting fate. He loves this body. He loves this body's true soul that is still being held captive by me. I always knew it wasn't supposed to be me, and now I have the answer. Oh God. What the fuck? How did I do this? Why did I do this?
This isn't real. This can't be real life. Real life doesn't have magic, and vampires, and werewolves...werewolves! Werewolves are shapeshifters. They started as men and inhabited the bodies of wolves like...like magic. Am I magic? Am I like the wolves? Can I somehow reverse it and be separated from this body? Where would I go? On to an afterlife? Oh God. No, it's what's right. It's for the best. He doesn't know it, but he wants her. She is his mate. She is his true love. Oh God. She is his everything, and I didn't save her. Shit. Fuck. Holy Hell.
Bella, I'm so sorry. I've gotta get outta here. I have to leave. Holy Fucking Shitballs of firery Hell.
"Iris, dear, your lunch is ready." Esme pulled me from my internal crisis. I had my back to her, and I hoped I could hide the turmoil of my mind. I could do this. How many times had I been in one patient's room when they were being given the worst news of their lifetime only to close the door and enter another room where another patient was receiving the best news? I had a good poker face if nothing else. Get it together, McGee. You have to get it together for them, for him. Oh God.
"Thanks, Esme. I'm starving. Your timing is impeccable." I smiled a little too tightly at her as I made my way to the kitchen. I sat at one of the tall, metal bar stools resting near the island and dug right into the piping hot food, ignoring the burning as it slid down my throat. I had to keep my hands and mouth doing something, anything, or else I would lose it. Hah. You're already losing it, dumb ass body-hijacking bitch.
I'm a drifter. A fucking drifter. A body thief is what I am. Oh God. How did I do it? Why did I do it? Had I really read this Fucking book so many times that I wished myself into her body? Was that it? Bella, I'm so sorry. I fell in love with your mate, and I stole him from you. I stole everything. I didn't mean to do it. Oh God.
Please let me go. I need to get out. How do I get out? I can't breathe. Is it hot? It's hot. It's not supposed to be hot. It's this Goddamned lasagna. Eat it. Esme made it. She loves you. She shouldn't love me. He shouldn't love me. It's supposed to be Isabella Swan. She's supposed to be bonding with her. She's supposed to be in love with Edward Cullen. They're supposed to get married, and have sex, lots of sex. Sorry, Bella. I shouldn't be thinking about you and him together. Oh God. Renesmee. She's supposed to be Jacob's imprint. Jacob. Happy, sweet, innocent Jacob. I stole his happy ending too. If I leave is there time to save everything? Oh God. I'm so fucked.
The Volturi are coming. I can feel it. I don't know how, but even my subconscious knew it. The dream. The nightmare. Oh God. Edward and his family are all going to die because I'm a fucking drifter. What the hell is that?!
"Is everything alright, dear? Is the food cooked right?"
"Yes. It's absolutely delicious. I told you that you need to get in on the cookbook game!" My voice didn't sound right. I sounded manic and panicky. Cool it, Iris. They can't know. You need to stay calm, so you can leave. Exit stage right. Gotta get out. Oh God.
How to do it? Think. Think. You know this story so well. You know how Bella's ability and the others work. Who might be able to help? Oh God.
Where's Edward? He's going to be back soon. What to do about him? He's perfect. He's perfect, and he's yours. She's his everything and you're not. You should have saved her. You can save her, and he's not yours. He's hers. And you're not supposed to be here. You were shot and killed. You died. You fucking died.
Ok. You can do this. Your education is science based. How do we solve problems in the science world? We ask questions, form a hypothesis, test that hypothesis rigorously, and analyze the results with intense scrutiny. I don't have time for that shit. It takes years to do that.
Deep breaths. In and out. That's right. Think about how you got here. You died. But did I die? I can't remember that part. I can't remember dying. Let's pretend that I didn't die, then. What happened? John was in the break room with Sandy. He shot me three times. Sandy did compressions on me. Wait. She did compressions...chest compressions means that my heart stopped. I was out of it, but it couldn't have been long since no one had moved me out of the break room yet. She got me back. She got me back with chest compressions. Ok, then what? Think think. I went unconscious again and there were people everywhere when I woke up. I was in the trauma room in the ER. Sandy was screaming. Dr. Powell was using his voice he used when it all goes to shit. I was dying, but I didn't die. Dead people can't swap bodies. But I didn't swap bodies...I am co-inhabiting one. Oh God, Bella, forgive me. I'm going to get you back. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.
Stop it. Get your head on straight. What happened next? Susan was there and she started your IV. Sean, fucking idiot, he didn't prime the tubing. He might be the reason you died. But I didn't die. Ok...the light! I was somewhere light! And warm. I was numb from the blood loss and then I wasn't. I went somewhere else. I wasn't dead, and I went somewhere else. Is that what happened this time? But this felt permanent. It felt real. No, the light felt real that time too. I remember thinking that it felt right. Where did I go then? Why did it not last like this time did? I don't know. I have to figure this out to save them. I can save him...I can save her. She will be everything to him. Oh God.
"Dear, you look like you're not feeling well. Are you tired?" Tired? Am I fucking tired? No, I'm not tired. I'm screwed. My life is over. It has been over, but for some reason my fucking subconscious thought it appropriate to steal someone else's life and ruin it instead.
"Yes, I think I'm ready to go home. Is Edward close?"
"I'm here." Edward smiled easily as he breezed through the door. He leaned over to kiss me, and I fought the urge to cringe. Not mine. Not mine. Not mine. Oh God. I would be forever grateful that he could not read Isabella Swan's mind in this moment. He would be disgusted if he knew. When he knew. Not if, but when. I had to tell him. Oh God. I had to tell him.
"Are you ready to take me home? I'm really tired. Alice really knows how to take the whole staying up all night thing to the extreme..." I forced a laugh, and I could hear the insanity in my own voice. Could he hear it? He had to have heard with his sensitive hearing.
"I'll talk to her, love." Love. Goddamnit. He didn't love me. I loved him with my whole self, and he wasn't mine. I had to end this, so I could figure out how to end my possession. What was Bella thinking now? Was she as disgusted as I was? Probably not. She was like the frickin Mother Teresa. So forgiving and caring. Not like me. Not like the monster I am. I only cared about surviving, about finding a way that I could continue to wreak havoc on the world. I only ruined things. Mom and Dad were monsters, and I came from them. It would only make sense that I got my evil from them. Mark and Terri McGee strike again. Oh God.
"Iris? I said let's go. You really don't look well. Maybe we should wait for Carlisle..." Edward was clearly assessing my face trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Poker face. Keep a poker face.
"Sorry, headache. Tired, remember? Anyway, Carlisle will just tell you that I need a long night's rest. I'm a nurse...or was...I know what I'm talking about." I laughed nervously again. God stop it. He's going to know something's wrong, and he can't. I'm in danger. He's in danger. He's not mine. I should have saved her. I can still save her. She was everything. She will be everything again. I have to make her everything. For her to be everything, I have to be nothing. I have to leave.
"Ok..." Edward reached for my hand—her hand—and I let him drag me toward the door.
"Goodbye, Esme. Please tell Alice I had a good time with her this weekend." I hope they couldn't hear the finality of my voice. I had to get out. I had to save her. Oh God, Edward. No, he's going to be happy. She will be everything.
I kind of wished that everyone else was here to say goodbye, but it was probably for the best. The less witnesses to my meltdown, the better. Less mess. More dignity. Screw dignity. You don't deserve it. You stole her life, her love, her happy ending...his happy ending. I knew it. I fucking knew it.
"Of course, dear. I'm sure you could call her yourself in a while. I think her phone is off now. You know Alice, though. I'm sure she already got the message." Esme laughed, and it sounded like bell chimes. I laughed along, and it sounded like insanity on the verge of crying.
I coughed to cover the choking noise, and Edward looked at me with alarm. "Are you sick?" He put his hand to my face.
"No, no. Just need some rest. I promise. I've been stressed with, you know...Laurent around." Yes, good. Blame him. They'll know soon enough who the real monster is. Oh God. "Let's go. Goodbye again, Esme."
"Yes, goodbye..." she looked to me and back to Edward with concern.
He lifted me into his arms before we reached the stairs on the porch. "If you're so tired, I could carry you. The fresh air might do you some good." He smiled his crooked smile, and that might have been the straw on the camel's back if it weren't for all my years of practicing facial control.
"I think I would like to ride in the car, actually. You know my cheeks chap so easily with this wind." I smiled, and I know it didn't look right, but what else could I do? If he drove his car, he couldn't stay. Charlie would be back from Billy's soon enough. The time alone would allow me the opportunity to think, to plan. I couldn't do too much, though, with Alice watching.
He frowned for a second, but then smiled again. "Alright, I have a surprise for you anyhow." Fuck my life. I love you. I love you. You're not mine.
When we reached the car, he placed me in the passenger seat and intentionally reached across the front of me slowly to buckle the seatbelt, his face lingering near my face. I knew what he expected, what he wanted, what I wanted, but I had to break this off. I had to give her back to him. He would be so happy. He couldn't know how happy just yet, but I did.
I forced a cough again just as he would have pressed his lips to mine. Oh God. No. I have to give him up, but I can't. No, I have to. I have to save her. She is everything.
"Love?"
"Yes, sorry." I pecked him on the cheek. "I'm fine, I swear it." If by fine you mean that your about to go cliff diving, then sure...you're fine, Iris. "Hurry up and get my surprise!" I feigned excitement.
I guess he fell for it because he rushed to his side, and reached up to his sun visor and pulled a cd from the holder there. He turned it on, and I gasped. It was the song...her song. Her lullaby.
"I call this one 'Fields of Iris' for you, of course." He smiled.
Tears sprung into my eyes. I had been holding back so much that I wasn't sure I could stop them. They started flowing, and it was like a pipe burst.
"Iris?!" Edward's voice rose with alarm.
"It's beautiful..." I blubbered out. It's hers. And it's perfect. I'm sorry, Bella. I'll fix this.