Ch. 30 As I Love You

Aro's jet black silky hair reflected the light in the most beautiful way. I couldn't help but be totally hypnotized by it as he glided in front of me.

"We have come to a conclusion." He began, and he paused for dramatic effect. Just spit it out already. I know what you're going to say, and there's nothing I can do about it. He smiled widely, unable to hide his joy. "You shall become one of us. Welcome, young Iris." Shit. I never really had a choice. I knew that, and yet, if there were just some way that I could end this, to find my happy ending, I would do it.

"Caius, Marcus, do you have anything to say to the girl?" He looked to his peers enthusiastically, but they didn't return the emotion. Marcus looked like he was ready to leave, to go back to whatever the hell he spent his time doing when he wasn't sitting here listening to Aro jabber on, and Caius just looked pissed, like my existence was so offensive to him that he might just cross the distance and snap my neck. Do it. Please. Please kill me.

"Well, don't worry. They will love you in time. Jane, dear, would you escort young Iris to her chambers? We shall begin soon." Jane smiled to Aro, but glared at me the closer she got. "And Jane?" She stopped to look to him. "Please keep Iris in good condition. She is worth so much to me." His words were clear. Don't kill me. He needed me alive. Fucking shit.

•PTaT•

I woke up still in the car in front of Charlie's house. Fuck. The Volturi dream again.

"Iris, can I come back after Charlie is asleep?" He was so beautiful in the little bit of moon light that reflected off his skin, creating fractals of light that bounced off his hand and onto my arm. I watched the designs shift on my skin with his movements.

"I'm really tired, Edward. I'll see you tomorrow when you finish school, right?" I was pushing him away. He knew it. I knew it, but I had to. Fuck. I had to do it. He wasn't mine.

"Yes..." he paused. "Did I do something wrong? This isn't about what we were discussing earlier...about our...intimacy...is it?" If he could blush, he would have then. Sweet, darling, Edward. I wish I could go back to when our biggest problem was that you wouldn't sleep with me. That was impossible, but I could fight with you about it. This problem. The one that I, alone, was currently facing, was not impossible. It was inevitable. It was fixable. And when I fixed what I had broken, there would be nothing left to fight about. I'm so sorry, Bella.

"No, you're absolutely perfect. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes. I'll see you tomorrow after I've...rested." Would I see him tomorrow? Or would I figure this out tonight? Only time would tell. But if I left...would it be alright to say goodbye? Would Bella fault me for that? To say goodbye to my one true love? She could have eternity with him afterward. Surely she would be alright with one last goodbye...

Edward was reading my expression again. I was really sucking at this whole poker face thing tonight. Although, I wasn't usually madly in love with my patients when I used it on them...

"Iris, I'm coming back tonight. Don't argue with me. Something is wrong, and I'm not leaving you alone. You really might be sick. I can't describe it, but I feel like you're...I don't know...it's just wrong." No, it's right. I'm going to leave, and you'll be sad for a while, but you'll find solace in Bella. She will tell you how awful it was to be a passenger as someone fucked up her life, and you'll comfort her with your words about how terrible it is to be conned by a mad woman and kept from your true love.

"Please—"

"No, you can sleep. I just want to stay with you." He was almost begging. I was underestimating him. He thinks he loves you. He doesn't understand yet. But he will. This is my chance...my one last goodbye. Just let him stay, Iris. Bella will forgive you when she gets to wake up to him.

"Ok, Just let me get Charlie to bed at least." I leaned across the console, brushing my hand across his cheek, allowing myself to feel everything in the one gesture. He relaxed instantly. He could feel my love too. I have to leave him with this one last night. He will hate me soon enough.

I walked into the house. It was empty. Charlie should be on his way back. I waved from the door as Edward backed out. He winked at me, and I smiled. That's how I wanted to remember him when I went back to whatever I was going back to. Now, I had to figure it out. I had to think. How to go back? Bella, help me.

She said in the book that her shield was like a thin film that she could almost see. She could feel it. Surely I could separate my soul from hers. My soul. My essence. The thing that makes me, me. What am I? I am a nurse. Ok, but why? Lots of people are nurses. Why are you a nurse? I want to help people. There are other ways to do that. Why a nurse? Because I can fix people who are broken. I am broken. I like to place my hands on a physical ailment, and watch as it heals. It's healing. It heals me, my soul.

So what am I? Why would I be drawn to this world? I am broken, and I need healing. This world offers healing. The book offered healing. Here I could be healed. I stole her life because she had the ultimate physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. She had everything. She was everything. I will never be everything to him. It's time to move on.

Just then I saw a flicker. A flash of white. Something. Was that it? My soul? Maybe it was the realization that there was nothing here for me. Nothing here, nothing back in the hospital. Maybe that knowledge was enough to allow me to let go, to move on.

"Bells, How was your girl's weekend? Looks like you had fun." Charlie just walked in and was smiling at my hot pink nails. He looked like he wanted to laugh, but was testing to see what my opinion was first. So considerate. I loved him. I would lose him, but he wasn't mine. He deserved to have his daughter back...his real daughter.

"It was great. These nails are really something, huh? Alice did them." I laughed at the memory. I wanted to keep it. What if I couldn't remember when I woke up somewhere else. What if I forgot her...what if I forgot him? Get over it. He's not yours.

"I was about to get my sunglasses out of the cruiser." He laughed out. Bella, you are one fucking lucky duck.

"Dad, I'm really feeling kind of run down. You know how Alice doesn't know when to stop? Imagine that for almost three days straight."

He visibly shuddered. "Say no more. Save some hot water for me. I'm pretty beat too." He smiled, and I tried to memorize the expression.

"Goodnight, Dad." Goodbye, Dad. I hugged him, and he blushed.

"What do you want? Some money? Get outta here." He joked. "Goodnight, honey."

I walked up the stairs, and it felt a bit like what I would imagine death row inmates feel like when walking to their last meal. I showered meticulously, cleaned the paint off her nails, and scrubbed the make-up off Bella's perfect ivory skin. I wanted to leave everything just as I found it, unsure of how much Bella would remember when she awoke. There wasn't much I could do about the highlights Alice had insisted on getting done. I would never have allowed it if I had known I was only leasing the space.

I began to reorganize her room to the best of my memory. Books were stacked on the table which I had pushed against the other wall. I pushed the desk back and spent some time unplugging and replugging the computer up, so it would be back to where it had started. I even went into the closet and pulled out the converse sneakers. I placed one under the desk and set the other by the door, just as they had been the morning I woke up here nearly two months ago. Please don't trip and fall out the window, Bella. Only a dumbass like me would do that. Although, Bella was used to living in this clumsy body. She would know how to carry herself in it. She would be fine.

"Did you suddenly have a burst of energy?" Edward was standing by the window, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed looking amused.

"Yeah I guess. I just liked it better this way before." She has it this way. I'm sure she will tell you why.

"Hmm..."

"What is it?" I smiled at him. He's so handsome. I'm going to miss him so fucking much. How am I going to do this?

"You. You're beautiful." She is beautiful. You've never seen me.

"Thank you."

"Are you tired now, or did you need help retiling the bathroom?" He chuckled. I would miss that laugh. He isn't mine.

I couldn't control the yawn that escaped me. I really was tired. "No, that's it. I'm all done here." He couldn't have understood what I really meant, and I was glad for it.

I climbed into the bed, and he tucked the blanket around me snugly. He laid beside me, and I reached my hand up for his face. He knew what I wanted, what I needed. It was not only a goodbye from me, but a parting gift to him. But he would soon forget about me, and he would have her. His everything.

He leaned in, and kissed me deeply. This was the last time I would be so close to him, the last time he would meet my gaze with nothing but love and adoration. It would soon be hate, or maybe when he was so happy with her, he could look to me with fondness...that is, if I ever saw him again, but I probably wouldn't. I'm sorry, Bella. It's just this once. My last goodbye.

I don't know if he felt my fear and desperation, or if I had finally worn him down enough, but he deepened the kiss more so than ever before. He pulled me closer to him, and I took my chances, kicking the covers off. He didn't stop. I rolled on top of him, straddling his hips, and he didn't stop me. I felt him, really felt him beneath me, but he continued to kiss me. When I thought I might pass out from no oxygen, he pulled away from my lips, gasping himself, and trailed kisses up and down my neck, stopping just above my breasts. I knew there was a reason I wore this tank top...

But all good things must come to an end. Well, for me at least. He helped me back under the covers, his eyes still dark and wild. It tore at me that the next time he looked that way, he would be looking at her. No, it's the right thing. How it should be.

"Goodnight, Edward. I love you." Goodbye, Edward. I fucking love you. Be happy. Take care of him, Bella.

He kissed me one last time on the forehead, and I snuggled closer to him. I began to drift away, and as I did I physically, mentally, and spiritually released Edward. He wasn't mine. He wasn't mine. He wasn't mine.

As the real world and dream world collided into one I heard one last glorious bit from the former. "As I love you."

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