Ch. 34 Total Indifference

"Try harder! We've been at this for weeks!" God, how can a vampire be so ugly? Like doesn't that go against the whole "draw your prey to you" thing? Felix was just big and stupid. Good thing he was strong.

"Look, yell at me a little more and see if that makes it work!" Idiot.

"You're not even trying to make it work. Do you have a death wish?" Blah blah blah. Yes, yes I would prefer to die over looking at your big stupid face anymore. When's lunch?

"You can't kill me and you know it." I stood with my arms crossed and brows raised. I dare you to try, dumb ass. Do you have a death wish? Dear Aro wouldn't like it too much if you killed off his star...

I had been put in hiding for the better part of a year now. Hiding from what? Who knows. The oh-so-elusive Volturi has their reasons I'm sure. This was the most annoying existence. This was worse than being trapped inside a human. I was trapped in my own body. I couldn't figure out how to make my ability work no matter how hard I tried. I was starting to believe that it was all fake, that I made up the whole thing in my mind, except I couldn't have. Vampires have perfect recall, unfortunately to me. All this to say, day in and day out I stood here yelling at Felix and Demetri or sometimes Jane and Alec, begging them to kill me, but they wouldn't. It's all bullshit!

They had tried everything to motivate me. They tortured me with Jane's power. They tried using Alec's numbing—which was actually nice to be devoid of it all. I pretended to be horrified by that one for several weeks just so that I could remain senseless. What kind of torture did they think that was anyway?

And Chelsea? Hah. What binds could she break? I was bound to no one anymore. Although, the one time I did try to run—not to anywhere in particular but to just be free of the incessant control in my life—I lost my limbs for a while for that. I mean, it hurt, but who the hell cares? It did make drinking blood a little harder for those months, and that was inconvenient. Now she followed me around all the time too, trying to make me feel all cushy about being here I'm sure, but she just made me indifferent at best...

So here we are. I was supposed to be "training" and learning to use my power, but nothing was working. I had zero motivation anyway. Like what do I need to help them for? The blood? I could get that on my own. Fear of pain? Nope. Next. Fear of death? Haha. We've established that I was ready to die like yesterday.

"Aro isn't going to wait for you forever." So what? Oh my God come up with a new argument already. Every. Freaking. Day.

"He shouldn't. I'm sure he has much better things to do with his unlimited time." I wonder if he spent his nights alone watching "Friends" re-runs. I would die of laughter if I saw that...

"No, he knows everything, remember? He knows how to break you, and it will happen soon."

Huh? "I'm not afraid of death, pain, injury, or any of your mental games. I've requested most of those things myself, so what else is there?" I'm so over this.

"Edward."

No. God No. I hadn't heard the name or even thought it in over a year, and suddenly my mind replayed every single moment we ever shared together. The gym. The nurse's office. The ER. His room. His car. The porch swing. My bed...

I saw his smile when he looked at me, his copper hair in the sunlight, his perfectly cut jawline as he moved it so close to my neck, his golden eyes when he looked so deeply into mine...

I heard his laugh when I made a stupid comment or when I nearly tripped, his voice when he sung along to the radio while he drove like a mad man, his feral growl when he was angry, his moan of my name when he felt desire...

I felt his cool skin against my warm skin...tasted his lips...felt his mouth, his arms, his legs intertwined with mine...

No! No! NO!

He must have seen me twitch because he smiled. "Found it." He smirked to himself.

No! Hell no! I left! I gave her back to him! What did they want with him? I don't know how to make it work. I already told them that! Holy shit!

"I don't know what you're talking about. That was just a fling, feelings from that body I was stuck in..." Leave him out of this! I will destroy you!

"That's not what Aro said. He mentioned that the name might get you moving a little faster on this." He was still smiling. "He will find this Edward...Demetri has nothing else going on these days..."

No! He can't! I'm here! I'm trying! Are you really trying though, Iris? Yes. No...I have nothing to try for. I don't want to help them. But what if you're not helping them. What if you could control it? Use it to your advantage. That's what they want from you anyway...yes. I had to control this. I had to try. I had to warn them.

Ok, Iris. Focus. Really focus. You need to save them all. If they go after...him...they'll go after them all. You've read these books. Stop being stupid. You know that you can't change the story that much. Hiding here—literally and figuratively—isn't doing anything. You're just running again.

I searched through every corner of my mind. When I hit a wall, I tried to go around it. I pushed, prodded, and knocked, but nothing. Ok. Ok. Ok. Think think think...imagine the light. Imagine it right before you. Imagine you're surrounded by it. Recall the voices...he said you had to find yourself. I have to find myself. What did that mean? I found myself already. This is ridiculous. Shit.

Wait, what did all of these experiences have in common? I decided I was broken. I came here initially to heal. But how would the Volturi heal me? Physically they made me stronger, but let's imagine that I chose to come here. Of all the places in the universe, any universe, why would my mind choose here? And how did I get back here? Maybe it's not what all three "drifting" experiences had in common, But what these two in particular had in common. I didn't come here to heal. I had only been suffering since I got here. I came here to suffer. Hadn't I already admitted that I wouldn't mind being in hell? I believed I needed to suffer. In the hospital, I didn't save the woman...the peaceful woman who was too young to die that way. In Forks I stole Bella Swan's life...her happy ending. I was punishing myself. And when I went into Bella Swan's body? I was at my weakest. I was feeling hopeless. I wanted to find my happy ending. Yes! I remember now. I wanted to have my own happily ever after.

So that was the key. It wasn't about what was happening around me, or even what I wanted or needed. It was simply what I felt I deserved. My psycho-emotional state at the time would determine where I went. With that, I saw the light.

"Wha—" I heard Felix call, but I ignored him. I only had one chance at this.

"Welcome back, Iris." The female voice announced. They must get really bored here, wherever we were.

"Thank you. Sorry, I can't stay and chat."

"It's fine. I'm neither happy, nor sad about it." She responded robotically.

"Total indifference." I stated.

"Exactly." The man answered.

These guys were strange. And with that, I saw darkness again.

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