Ch. 45 A Wayward Past
"Love, you're going to be fine. I trust you. You can do this. Just focus on us. Focus on our love and our future together." Edward was whispering as held me close, kissing me anywhere his lips could reach with my face pressed as it was into his shoulder. He sounded confident in our plan, joyous at the prospect of us finally getting to be together without worry of these fucking vampires who always seemed to have it out for us.
I, on the other hand, was not feeling as sure about it. "How do you know? I just got you back! What if I screw this up? What if I end up back in my world and can't get back to you?" I was mumbling between sobs. I can't. I can't. Stop being such a cry baby...I can't!
"At least you would be safe. Please, there's nothing for us here but a painful ending. I have always promised to keep you safe, and, right now, that means letting you go for a time. Iris, you are so strong. You CAN do this." He pried me away from him so he could look into my eyes. His golden irises were bright and warm after his hunt. I would miss them if things went wrong...
"Stop it. You're going to find your way. You're going to go back and find me. You've done it before, and you will do it now." His voice was stern yet full of devotion. God, I fucking love you.
I threw myself back into his arms, pressing our lips together, desperate to feel him everywhere, to fill the emptiness that grew within me every time I thought about leaving now. It had been two weeks since we had made the plan for me to drift backward in time, a redo. At first, it seemed like a great idea. Time travel? Pfft why didn't I think of that, right? But since then I had taken the time to actually think about all that could go wrong. I had already felt what it was like to lose Edward, and I never wanted to feel that way again. Dying at the hands of the most vicious member of the Volturi would be a hell of a lot less painful than that.
We had spent the last couple of weeks together, bonding, making memories—mostly for my sake because Edward wouldn't remember any of it when I found him again since I was going into his past before these memories were made. It kind of made my head hurt to think about it...but anyway, he told me that when I found him, he would at least see the memories from my thoughts and experience them in a way even if it was only vicariously through me...
"I'm not ready." I admitted shamefully.
"I'll never be fully ready to watch you go either, but if all goes to plan—which it will. I'm sure of it—we will be together soon again. Please, Iris. We could put this off for a couple more days, but the Volturi will be here in less than a week. Alice sees it quite clearly. Laurent will be with them, of course. It will not...end well." His voice sunk to nearly inaudible mouthing at the end.
"Alice saw." There was no question to my reply. She saw me die. There was no other explanation as to why Edward would be so willing for me to go. I thought this decision of his was out of character, but it wasn't. He was concerned about me, saving me in the only way he knew how just as he had explained, but I was too blind in my own concern for him to see it. Shit.
"Iris? Come here." Edward backed up to stand beside my bed. He stared into my eyes from across the room, a small smile playing across his lips.
"Edward?" I inquired. What are you up to?
Just as I nearly reached the spot where he stood, Edward scooped me up into his arms, and laid me on the bed in one fluid motion. Oh, Edward...
He gently laid beside me, pulling me to be flush with him, front to front, on our sides. Slowly, so slowly, he began peppering me with kisses so lightly that it could have been a stray hair tickling my skin. He began at the lobe of my ear, moving tenuously along my jawline. He paused briefly at the corner of my mouth to my own chagrin.
"Mmm... I am so jealous of my past self already. For him to have your love, adoration, and the future of my dreams is so unfair. But for him to have access to your body? Unforgivable."
"It's still you, Edward." I reassured him. It's always been you...
"No, this Edward will have new memories of better times with you that I'll never have. This is for us, though. I will, hopefully, disappear along with my timeline when you find me, though. I want nothing more than for you to find forever happiness. You deserve it all. You deserve everything."
I couldn't respond to that. My eyes were filled with tears at the thought of losing my Edward here, the way he was now. This Edward had suffered here without me for over a year. This Edward knew what it felt like to be without the one you needed more than any other. The Edward of the past will not have experienced those feelings, and he may not be able to get passed our fickle differences of the past as this Edward could. Hell, if I could somehow go back to myself when I first arrived here, I would certainly knock some sense into that damn stubborn mind of mine.
Edward left me to my thoughts as he went back to kissing me, and I enjoyed his physical display of affection for me. I, in turn, tried to show him all he meant to me in my own movements and kisses. We remained relatively innocent in our intimacy, but it was still levels far beyond where we had begun almost two years prior.
After several hours like this—I could only describe the passing of time as it felt. I really couldn't say what it was in real time—Edward pulled his face back gently, still holding me close.
"It's time, my only Love." He murmured into my ear. A single tear trailed down my cheek. I stared into his eyes, totally captivated by all that was him—his beauty, his smell, his velvety smooth voice...
"Ok." My voice broke. I'm not ready...
"You are. I love you more than anything. Please do not act rashly or forget that you're no longer alone once you arrive there. We do this together, remember?" I nodded in response unable to speak through the knot in my throat or think passed the chaos of all the emotions rising within me.
He pulled me into his cool embrace once more and I was bawling again. I love you. I love you. I love you.
"See you soon." He said with a smile in his voice. These vampires were far too good of actors to be trusted...
Edward huffed a laugh into my hair. "Trust that I will always adore you and cherish every moment of your time that you give me. I will be waiting for our new future. Goodbye, love."
"Goodbye..." I looked up to meet his golden irises once more before I pressed my lips to his, focusing on the peace of being in his arms as I slowly drifted into the darkness...
•PTaT•
I awakened to a cold gust of air, and the sound of a man screaming.
"Please! No! I have a wife and children! You can—" His cries ended with the sound of a hiss, a gurgle, and then nothing. What the hell was that?
My senses were on high alert before I even opened my eyes, but I didn't know why. I looked around to see that I was laying on the dirty, chilled ground at the far end of a darkened alleyway. There was no one to be seen, but I could hear cars driving in the distance and see the glow of their headlights passing at the opening of the alley. I stood carefully as I allowed my body to catch up to wherever the hell I found myself. I began to walk toward the sound of the cars.
"Excuse me, may I ask what you're doing here?" A rough, yet somehow also smooth voice called to me. I knew that voice, though it was far more strained and tense than I was used to hearing it.
"Edward?" I turned in the direction I thought it came from. I nearly fell backward when I caught sight of him. He looked relatively the same as I left him, but he wore a tan, wool suit with saddle shoes. His clothes, while an odd choice, were not what made me want to screech. His eyes were red. Holy fucking shit.
"How do you know my name?" He didn't wait for my verbal reply before gasping. "How...how do you have these thoughts of me?" He was almost stuttering which is quite the feat for a vampire. His eyes widened further at that thought. "You know?"
"I...I..." Oh my god. I went too far. This is definitely not my Edward. This is age of rebellion Edward. How did I manage this?! Shit fuckety shit.
"Your Edward?" He was coming closer to me, and for the briefest of moments I recognized the confusion in his face.
Ok, Iris. This IS your Edward. Stop being a hypocrite. You loved human blood when you were a vampire. At least Edward is only feeding from serial killers and rapists. You were not as discriminating with your dinner. "Hello, Edward. I'm sorry my thoughts are all over the place, but I didn't expect to find you this way. I'm Iris."
"I don't understand." He paused a few feet away from me and was clearly perplexed—rightfully so.
"I'm your..." mate. Oh no...
"Excuse me?" He backed up a few feet. "I don't know what you're talking about." His face was shocked, lost.
"I'm sorry." I couldn't help the sting of rejection that passed through me. I knew it was stupid to feel this way. He didn't know me yet, and he was obviously not in the same state of mind as my Edward...
"Why do you keep calling me that? How could you know that I'm your mate?" He spoke the word with disgust. "Explain to me. Now." Pushy pushy...Do I tell him? And if so, how much? Aww hell, he can read my thoughts anyway. Fuck it. Maybe this was what I was meant to do, live in the past...be with him now to prepare for later...
"I am from the future." Holy shit that was lame. "I mean...I'm your mate in the future. I know this is insane. Please don't freak out. I can pass through time, and other...things...It's my gift—"
"No..." he was still backtracking, shaking his head.
"Read my thoughts, not my words." I tried to center my thinking, focusing my thoughts on the last year and a half. I recalled the first time I saw Edward in gym. Our time laughing at the restaurant and subsequently the hospital. I recalled his "stolen" kisses and kisses that I, myself, initiated. I thought about just minutes before on the bed how he soothed me with his words and his lips...
"How?" He repeated himself, but he was moving closer again. "How is this possible?" His brow was wrinkled in the way that I loved...so handsome...
"I told you that it's my gift, just like telepathy is yours." Please believe me. I love you. I came to save us...
"Save us from what? If you were so happy in the future, why did you leave?" He demanded in a hiss. Apparently he was not taking the news as well as I had hoped. I cowered against the wall at the sound, and I could have sworn that his facial expression softened just the tiniest bit.
"The..." Oh God. I gulped before thinking or speaking the word. "Volturi." Edward hissed. He was much more feline, less restrained, when on a human diet. Or maybe it was the fact that he was still relatively young and wouldn't have had time to absolutely perfect his human act yet...what year is it?
Edward straightened as I assessed his movements. "1931." He answered as he looked away from me and lowered himself against the brick wall lining one side of the alley, staring blankly to the left of me at the cement block wall on the other side.
This wasn't the time I had been aiming to travel to—not by a long shot—but it could work. The Volturi wouldn't even know that I existed now. I wouldn't even be a blip on their radar. Yes, this was perfect.
I waited just a moment before pushing myself away from the wall to attempt to approach him. "May I?" I spoke more meekly than I had intended. This is Edward. He may not know it yet, but he loves you. Don't fear him.
"You should. I'm a murderer." He spoke flatly as his face remained blank.
"I am too...Or I was in the future." His garnet eyes shot up to meet my blue ones.
"What do you mean?" He appeared to be searching my face, and most likely my mind, for the answer.
"I was a vampire, a member of the Volturi—involuntarily, clearly." His eyes widened, but he said nothing as I replayed some of my most memorable, and shameful, acts as a vampire.
"You're human!" He retorted.
"Now...but that's a whole different story..." I sighed, suddenly exhausted.
"I have time." He said with a quirk of his brow. "I'm still not sure that I believe you." Still just as stubborn, I see...
Edward smiled, but it didn't meet his red eyes. Damn. They're just so...red. I bet I freaked him out before too, but he was too much of a gentleman to say anything...
"So I was back to partaking in an animal diet when you knew me?" He seemed almost...relieved.
"Yes. You said that your...rebellious phase—" I winked at him to show that I wasn't judging him for his current choice of vessel to feed from. "Made you feel empty. You didn't like being a monster..." Your words, not mine. I don't think you're a monster. I could never think that...I'm the monster...
Edward didn't seem to be listening to my self-deprecating spiral of thoughts was falling into.
"I don't want to be a monster...it's just what I am. If I could end it, I would." His voice was hollow, just above a whisper, and the pain heard there pulled me back to the present...or the past...which was now my present...? Ugh headache.
"Look, I understand your choice to feed from humans...we're delicious—or at least, I thought so when I was like you." Edward almost looked like he wanted to laugh...almost. "Anyway, I'm just saying that I don't think poorly of your current diet, if my opinion means anything to you...I never even tried to abstain, so kudos to you for staying away as long as you did. However, if you are not feeling so great about it, it's not too late to change your mind. Your mother and father miss you very much and will welcome you back to them with open arms when you return. I know it. Trust me."
"I don't even know you. How can I trust you?" Ouch. No, back up, McGee. He doesn't know you YET, but he will.
"You can trust me because I'm madly in love with you." Wow, I'm really putting myself out there. Honesty. Inclusion. I'm not alone. Edward's words of advice from back in my room in Denali replayed through my mind. I have to..."I travelled across dimensions and time and space to find you. I will take you any way that you will accept me. If you want me to leave, I will understand, but, please, don't tell me to leave. I have made so many horrible mistakes. You would never admit to it, but I know that I was the reason that we were separated for so long, and it broke us both and nearly got the entire family killed. I have to rectify things. I can make you happy. It took me a long—ridiculously long—time to come to this conclusion, but we were destined for one another." My voice broke off to a sob as my mind reeled through all of my most cherished memories of Edward, my Edward. Please, you could be my Edward too...
His eyes completely melted as he watched me break down in front of him. "You really mean everything you say...it's all true." His voice was back to the soft velvet that had the power to pull me anywhere he would go.
"Absolutely every bit of it." I answered earnestly. I love you...I suddenly realized that I was on my knees in front of where he remained seated on the ground, our faces level. I leaned forward, ever so slightly, testing him and wordlessly asking consent for what I wanted so badly to do. I knew this was strange for him. He had only just met me, but I knew him better almost than I knew myself.
He hesitated, seeming to be afraid of what might happen if we were to become any closer. I trust you fully. You won't hurt me...please...
He barely closed the distance, and our lips almost didn't touch, but they did. In that exact moment, light burst from within me, and we were joined, fully becoming one being. I was him, and he was me, our mind, body, and soul were one. Our thoughts and memories were one as well, and as he took in all that I had to give, I felt him sigh in relief as he totally accepted me. He knew the truth. He knew our journey. My memories were his memories, and our kiss deepened.
"Iris..." he moaned into my lips as I gasped for air between kisses. He left my mouth, trailing along my jaw and down my neck where he paused, and I distinctly heard him stop breathing.
No! Damn it, Iris..."You shouldn't do it...we can have everything if you push through this...but...I will always love you even if it's too much...you're my everything." I whispered into his soft, copper hair.
His hands were shaking as he gripped my arms. I felt his cool lips part against my skin right where my carotid pulsed, his teeth resting against my neck. I could feel him struggling to resist, and I thought of all we might lose if he killed me or even changed me right now. The baby girl with the whispy copper hair flashed in my mind fleetingly. It's ok, Edward. I love you...you are my everything.
He stiffened then darted around me to crouch at the opposite end of the alley. I could see that his shoulders were shaking, he was sobbing tearlessly. I stood to approach him. I knew it wasn't smart, but I couldn't see him suffer this way...
"Don't come any closer! I'm a monster! I could have...I could have..." his voice was broken, and his eyes were dark, almost black.
"You're not a monster. I love you. Come with me. Let's find Carlisle and Esme. Please..." Please, Edward...I've sacrificed it all, so that we could have everything...you were so happy. You will be so happy again. Please...
He turned, watching me intently with my hands stretched out to him, beckoning him, willing him to return. "I'm not afraid anymore. I'm sorry. I should have never doubted you. You are so much stronger than I am." I pictured Edward hugging Bella, his singer. His very brief moment of weakness here with me was nothing compared to that level of temptation, and he had willingly spent so much time with her since I had left.
He slowly made his way back to me, stopping a few feet away as he took a deep calming breath. His eyes were back to the bright red they had been.
I opened my arms wider for him, my eyes and thoughts urging him back to me.
He finally closed the distance, embracing me. "I'm so sorry. It's very...challenging...for me right now to be so close to you. This is very new, but I also have not been abstaining from human blood as you know." He bowed his head in shame.
"You were killing killers. I used to indulge in any person with a beating heart. If you decide to keep me around long enough to change me, you may have a difficult time with my newborn stage...I think my parents' alcoholism may have passed along to me in a different way..." I looked at my feet with a grimace.
He lifted my chin with his finger to meet his eyes. "How about you help me now, and I promise to help you then?" He smiled his famous crooked smile, and I couldn't help but return the sentiment.
"Deal. I love you."
"As strange as this should be since I only just met you, I love you too." His smile this time was wide and blindingly white. You should work for Colgate...Edward burst out laughing at that, and offered his elbow to me. "Come. I think it's time for me to go home, for US to go home actually." He corrected himself.
"Home..." that sounded wonderful. "Wait, what the hell am I going to do in 1931?" My voice shot up two octaves. Now that things were ok between Edward and I and the adrenaline was finally leaving my system, I realized what a problem this could actually be. Flying fuck balls...
"You have an...interesting...vocabulary..." He smirked. "Are things very different in 2006?" He asked in amusement, obviously being sarcastic.
"Just a little bit..." Oh, what have you done, Iris? Shit.
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