Ch. 48 The Struggle Is Real

I had been here for just over a week. Edward had been doing alright, but our time spent together was becoming fewer and far between. He was probably going to have to leave soon. Damnit. How was I going to fare here without him? Esme and Carlisle were great, but since Carlisle was at the hospital all the time—mostly working pro bono Esme informed me—and Esme had her interests with charities and what not, that would leave me alone unless I wanted to follow them around like the little lost puppy that I was...

"Iris, I have to thank you for bringing Edward home. I don't know what you did or how, but I have never seen him so full of passion for life. Carlisle and I have been so concerned for him. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was afraid he might have been too young to ever find a mate, to ever feel...whole. So thank you so much." Esme looked like she might cry if she could.

"Was he really that bad? He mentioned that you guys weren't very happy with him the last time he saw you..." I didn't want to bring up a difficult subject, but my morbid curiosity got the better of me. God, Iris. Mind your own damn—darn—business.

"He was lost. His beliefs about his worthlessness did make him rather difficult to speak with." She said, and it was clear that was all she would say on the matter.

"Well, thank you for your support of Edward and me. I love him more than anything. I know that our relationship isn't conventional by any means, but it's ours. It's been a difficult path so far, and I'm the one who made it so difficult most of the time. But I finally feel like we can be together here. I know things aren't perfect, but it's a million times better than where I came from." I shuddered at the thought of Aro, Jane, Demetri, Felix, and...Laurent.

"Yes, I would have to agree with you there. And of course I support your relationship. You two are obviously smitten with one another. You're good for him." I had explained everything to Esme and Carlisle in my new mission to be as honest and trusting of them as possible.

I could only smile at her as she walked down the sidewalk humming some tune I didn't know. She didn't even seem to mind my slow human pace. We had just left the market in the city, and were walking back to the car. Esme was carrying the majority of the paper bags—without any problems, of course—but she did let me carry the eggs at my insistence.

"Esme, what are all these long lines about?" We were passing an unmarked storefront. There were probably seventy-five people standing in a long line winding around the corner waiting. It looked like the latest AirJordans were about to drop or something. We had passed another similar looking lineup a few blocks up the street.

"It's the bread lines. There are a lot of people suffering right now. Times are hard. We've been very fortunate ourselves with our finances, but not many others can say the same." She murmured with a look of pity. She politely smiled at a elderly woman who I noticed wasn't wearing any shoes. She passed the woman a bill which she must have had in her pocketbook, and the woman nearly burst into tears thanking her for it.

Bread lines? Wait a minute...I was thinking back to my seventh grade history class. The stock market crashed in the late twenties...1929. That had only been two years ago...shiioot.—Very nice catch, Iris—The Great Depression. These people were not just having hard times. They were suffering through the worst financial crisis of the twentieth century. They were most likely jobless, underpaid, behind on their bills, starving, homeless, or all of the above. I had to do something. What are you going to do, single handedly save the millions of people out of work and homes and bring the economy back out of its recession? Argh!

This was horrible. Here I was feeling sorry for myself, and I was actually far better off than the average person all because I was piggy backing off of the Cullen's hard work. It went against everything I had done for myself in my life. I had grown complacent back in Forks, and then I woke up with the Volturi, and then there were all the death threats...now, I had the chance to have a happy, semi-normal life. I had to help and be a productive citizen. I wasn't a vampire—yet—so I didn't have to necessarily live with the restrictions that the Cullens did. I could find my calling in this place, a distraction from all that was happening with Edward.

I smiled to myself as I climbed into the large two-doored monster of a car that Esme and Carlisle shared. I thought about what I should do all the way home.

When we got back to the house, Esme offered to make dinner for me before her meeting with a local art dealer, but I told her that I'd be fine on my own. Carlisle was at work, and Edward was out hunting again. He had been going every two days for several hours since we got here. I was proud of him. His eyes were already diluted to a bright orange. My man...

The hunting trips did leave me with time alone, though, which we've established isn't alway a good thing for me. Hey! I've been totally fine for the last week. No fights, no murderous vampires, nothing! I'm fine!

I was wandering the huge house looking for nothing in particular when I stumbled upon a closed door which I had probably passed by multiple times, but hadn't thought to open. I turned the knob, and it swung open easily. There were multiple bulky looking pieces of furniture-shaped objects in the room, but it was hard to tell. Everything in the room was covered with white sheets. I walked to the back wall near a large bay window where the largest and oddest-shaped object rested. I pulled the sheet back and gawked at what I saw. It was a sleek, black Steinway Grand Piano. It was absolutely gorgeous. I recognized the instrument because it was just like the one in Forks, probably the same one.

I looked over my shoulder, knowing that I was alone, but I felt weird to be in this secluded room with dust-covered furniture. I took a seat on the bench and rested my hands on the keys.

I had never told Edward, but when I was younger—ages 4 to 15 to be exact—my mother had forced me to take lessons. I'm pretty sure she had been boinking my teacher who was ten years her junior, but whatever. My parents sucked so bad. It's a wonder I wasn't more screwed up than I already was...

I was decent at playing, but music wasn't my passion like it was with Edward. I didn't suck but also didn't necessarily excel at playing either, so I had been too embarrassed to play with Edward around.

For the last week, it felt like I was trapped in a black and white Gene Harlow film. The dresses were gorgeous. The finger-waved hairstyles were classic, and the movies and music filled me with nostalgic memories of watching old films with my Grandmother on Turner Classic Movies channel. However, I missed the music of my youth and even some of the newer stuff—Lizzo especially.

I wasn't sure if I would mess with the space time continuum or something if I exposed too much of the future, but surely a little modern music here in the house wouldn't screw anything up, right?

I ran my fingers up and down the keys playing some basic chords, reintroducing myself to the feel of the keys and the pedal beneath my foot. I would play from time to time back in Atlanta when I would go to the community center. They had an old, out of tune upright piano, but it was still fun to play around on.

I cracked up after a few minutes when I remembered the notes to play Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." As much as I rat on my parents, I was kind of a shitty kid, which I blame whole-heartedly on them, but I definitely didn't make things easy for my mom. She had been the one to force me into playing the piano, saying that it would make me more well-rounded and more disciplined or some bullshit, so I used the lessons to learn to play awesome rock music. I mean, I could play anything from Led Zepplin to the All-American Rejects. I could even play some Black Eyed Peas stuff.

I was really getting into my Queen now. Hell yes!

"Mamaaaaaaaa! Ooh, Ooh, Oooooh! I don't wanna die! I sometimes wish I'd never been born at aaaaaaa—Holy shit!"

"Iris?" I slammed on the keys when I started at the sound of a low chuckle by my ear.

"God! You scared the hell out of me!" I shrieked.

"Isn't that a good thing? Why would you want hell inside of you?" Edward bit back a smile. Cocky jerk. Ugh I love him so much.

I covered my face and steadied my breath as I shook in embarrassed laugher. "Touché."

"What was that anyway?" Edward's interest was piqued.

"That, my dear, was the future of music!" I held my arms out in feigned wonder and let the phrase hang in the air.

"That was NOT music." He deadpanned. Those are fighting words. I'll take you down, Cullen. Freddy Mercury is my spirit animal! Edward quirked his brow at me.

"Queen is one of the most influential bands of the twentieth century. They're going to rock your world. They even have an entire song about how much they will rock you. Here, I'll play i—"

"No, thank you." He laughed heartily. "Why didn't you tell me that you could play? I didn't really enjoy the song choice, but your execution was nearly perfect."

"Nearly?" Pffft. Edward smiled angelically. "Maybe because my soulmate is the greatest pianist to ever live. You are a lot to live up to." I retorted and pursed my lips playfully.

"I wouldn't say the greatest ever, but I won't stop you from saying so..." His mouth turned up into his crooked grin. Oh, so that's how you want to play? Ok.

"Fine, Here's a nice BORING classical piece which may impress you then..." I rolled my eyes and turned back to the piano. I began to play Liszt's "La Campanella." It had been a hit at my last recital at 15 years old. I even received a standing ovation for the piece, thank you very much. This time it was a bit slower than it was meant to be played, and I had to stumble through some parts in the middle of the arrangement. But overall, I killed it. Suck it, Cullen!

"I'm not sure what 'suck it' is supposed to mean or 'killed it' but that was breathtaking..." Edward's face was awed.

Spoil sport had to take my fun moment of picking on him and turn it into a sincere compliment... "Thank you." I shrugged, embarrassed by the sudden emotional reaction from him. I just wanted to goof off, not fish for compliments from the piano wizard over here. "You wouldn't happen to have a guitar or ukulele around here would you?"

He frowned in confusion, "We did at one point, but I'm not sure where Esme packed it. I think they kept all my instruments hidden..." his frown deepened as he looked around, but then he perked back up. "Do you play that as well?"

Do I play? Hah. He just asked if I play. Now, I may have been forced to learn piano, but the guitar? I spent many days and nights locked in my closet with my laptop opened to YouTube so I could master the instrument. I wanted to be cool like Avril Lavigne. Now THAT was my instrument. "I'll show you what I can do if you can find it..." I grinned deviously, and he laughed.

"Alright." He suddenly whirled around me, ripping the cloths off of everything surrounding us to reveal a sitting area at the center of the room and several other instruments—trumpet and violin included—on display. Then he stopped and was holding a beautiful, cheery wood, acoustic guitar. "Here you are. Now play." He demanded lightly in amusement.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't know anything from this era, but let's see if you like any of the stuff from the decades to come. I'll keep it softer this time..." I smirked. Hmm what to play...something sweet, not too scary for the vampire...Coldplay. No one could refute the brilliance of Chris Martin, especially not when they heard "Yellow." I smiled in anticipation, and Edward mirrored my expression.

"I love how excited you are about this." He murmured, tucking a loose hair back into a pin behind my ear, and I stuck out my tongue at him as I started to strum.

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do, yeah they were all yellow..." I began to sing, and the awed expression returned to his face. His eyes filled with venomous tears which would never fall, and he stayed that way until I finished the song. The last note hung in the silence as he stared at me.

I shifted back and forth awkwardly on the bench where I still sat. I couldn't tell if he liked it or not. He looked kind of sad or depressed...ok, not the reaction I was going for. I should have stuck with something upbeat, maybe some Tyler the Creator or something...I didn't think his turn of the century mind could handle rap yet though. His virgin ears would fall off if—

"No, I loved it. Your voice is angelic, perfect, like you..." he stood from where he had crouched, and closed the distance between us, taking only my hands in his cool ones. I didn't miss that he was very careful these last few days to maintain a certain amount of distance between us."I can't believe how incredibly lucky I am to have you here with me. I'm sorry that I've been distant. I'm going to be honest with you, though. I'm still struggling even with the frequent hunting trips. It's not going to be enough. I have to go. I'm sorry. I'm leaving as soon as Carlisle gets home in a few minutes. I just wanted to come say goodbye first."

I looked into his eyes. Now that he was closer, I could see that they were darker than they should have been if he just came back from hunting. What...?

"I will beat this. I have to. I just need more time, and I can't risk slipping while you're around. I promise to return as soon as it's safe." My heart was breaking. We were going to be apart...again. I knew it was necessary, but it didn't make this panicked feeling go away.

I put on a brave face for him, despite the fact that I knew he could read my contradicting thoughts. "It's alright. I will be fine. I was just thinking of ways to distract myself if you had to leave anyway. I'll miss you so much, but when you come back, we can pick right back up, right?" I smiled, ignoring the tears brimming in my eyes.

Edward reached across to brush a tear which began to fall from my cheek. "We can do better than pick right back up. We will can be closer. I don't even trust myself to kiss you again right now, but I promise, love, I will do better for you." He moved his hand to cup my cheek, and I closed my eyes as I leaned into it unable to verbally respond.

"Please behave yourself while I'm gone. I don't want to hear of anymore running away or fights. And please, in the name of all things good, do not find any stray wolves if you can help it."

I huffed out a wet, snotty laugh as he reminded me that he had all my memories or our time in Forks.

"No promises." I teased, and he rolled his eyes playfully.

"Be good, and I may have a surprise for you when I come back."

"Ooh goody." He laughed at my grimace at the way he sounded like he was bribing me the way you did a toddler. If you're really good in the store, I'll get you some candy!

He couldn't contain his laughter at that thought. "Well, for being nearly mentally thirty-two years old, you do tend to tune into your youthful, more exuberant side..."

"I'm just recapturing my youth. I thought you might appreciate having a young, obviously gorgeous piece of eye candy." I wagged my eyebrows, and it reminded me of Emmett. I missed him. I missed all of my missing family members...

Edward frowned. "You're lonely here."

"No, it's fine. I have you, and Esme and Carlisle. I'll be fine for a few weeks while you're gone."

"Iris," Edward looked like he wanted to say something but hesitated to finish.

"What is it?" I reached out to smooth the frown that had formed at his brow.

"It will probably be much longer than a few weeks..."

"A month?" I could do a month. I wouldn't be happy about it, but it could work. I'd be fine. A month is just four little weeks, twenty-eight to thirty days. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

"Possibly a year or more." He spoke in a low voice, trying to read my eyes which had widened. My mouth hung open in a perfect "o."

"A year?" I silently mouthed. A year? OR MORE?!

"I'm sorry... I have to—"

"I know. You have to. I'm sorry that I'm making this so difficult for you. If I weren't here, you wouldn't have to leave your family again. This is all my fault..."

Edward's face grew angry. "No. Don't do that!" His voice was forceful. "It's my fault for straying from Carlisle's lifestyle in the first place. I was arrogant and idiotic to think that I knew better just because I can glimpse into other's minds. If I would have stayed on the animal blood diet, I wouldn't feel so guilty about taking so many human's lives all the time or struggle to even stand by my mate. Iris, I want all of those things you mentioned before for us—marriage, children, to...make love to you..." he paused and looked down as his eyes grew even darker. "But we can't have those things just yet because I thought I had it all figured out. I'm so sorry." He continued to look down.

"They were murderers. Killers. You stopped them. I understand—especially now that you are having to fight that much more to be around me—why you want to go back to your vegetarian diet, but don't feel guilty for those terrible men you stopped. You don't know the number of families you saved from grieving after one of those psychos would have taken someone they loved from them. Let me remind you that the whole reason I'm here in this world at all is because a man decided that his grief over his own poor choices was more important than my life. I'm not saying that he deserved death, but if it came down to me versus him, I surely hope you'd choose me. Maybe that's wrong, but I'm done being a victim." The conviction in my voice was unmistakeable. I really hope I didn't freak him out with what I said, but it needed to be put out there.

"I will always choose you. That's why you have to leave."

What? "You mean why YOU have to leave?" Why did he say that? Vampires don't trip over their words like humans. Oh God.

"No, I just realized. You can drift ahead to a time when I'm not struggling. Go forward, and I'll wait for you. I promise. I will always be searching for you." He stood and walked over to the window absentmindedly. His movement away from me was odd given what he was saying...

Hell no! I was just getting settled here. "No! It's just a year. I won't leave you again. I can't control it. I was aiming for 2005 this time and wound up in 1931. What if I woke up in the year 3000?!" I was screeching.

"I would still be waiting for you." He stated simply, but wouldn't meet my eyes. "I won't force you. I can't, obviously, but I was just offering a solution to our current problem. Just think about it. I can do the hard work now, and you can skip ahead to the good stuff." He winked at me. He was doing it again. He was putting on a show to hide the true turmoil he felt. This was getting really ridiculous.

"Stop acting like everything is fine! You have to go? Then go! You want me to leave you in your time of deepest hurt and strife? Hell no. I won't do it." My voice continued to raise in pitch. I was gasping for air as sobs threatened to rip out of me.

He finally looked back to me, but I was crying again. Damnit these tears will be the death of me! "Iris, everything is not fine. I will hate every second that you're away from me, but I'm trying my absolute very best to not strike you down right now as we speak." He gulped, but continued. "I am not ending this, obviously, I will search to the ends of the earth for you if I have to. But like I said, if you go now, you can save us both the grief and get to our happily ever after." He was speaking slower now and maintaining eye contact as he gradually backed away. His body movement was off, too stiff. I blinked back the stupid tears which continued to fall and tried to follow after him, but he threw out his hands in a gesture meant to keep me away. Then I noticed them. His eyes were pitch black. Oh shit.

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