A sense of calm emerges. There is no golden light here in my head, and the pressure is gone. It is dark. I have long wondered what death may bring, but I had really hoped that it would be more exciting than this. As some form of consciousness looms, I am aware that I am still attached to a body. A sore, aching body; I- no. It's simply not possible. I died. I died on the spaceship, in the Doctor's arms. The Doctor who loved me, the Doctor who I loved and I gave my life to save, for whom I accepted the essence of the Tardis and the time vortex for. The doctor… the doctor whose strong arms I can feel clutching me tightly.
Nearly instantaneously I realize that somehow, I am alive. I feel as though I've been asleep for three hundred years. Some memories of the vortex remain, and they sting like the tail of a whip as they hit the forefront of my mind. I feel groggy, my brain is struggling to find my eyes, lungs barely operational with shallow, unrecognizable breaths. The arms around me tighten and I feel the head of the doctor resting on mine, his body shaking softly with each gasping breath as I am held carefully and intensely. Hot tears hit my forehead and my eyes open, hands reaching out, like I've been re-given instantaneous control of my body again.
I've never seen this man truly shocked before now, but he's speechless. Quite literally, not a word, but I can see the gears turning in his mind, trying to make sense of the impossible that we've both been witness to. Giving up on any logical explanation, he grips me tighter as we embrace. I'm too preoccupied to try to imagine how I am still alive here with him; the tremors shake me nearly senseless. My only brief explanation is that my doctor saved my life, again.
"Oh, Doctor, I was so scared. So scared for you. How could you do that to me? How could you assume that I could go home and return to a normal life, a life without adventure, a life without the Tardis, a life without- without you!" These words fall out of me fast as I search his face for some answer, knowing that nothing he say would justify his too-selfless actions. He looks sheepish now, almost ashamed, but I know he would do it again if put in the same situation. I want to hear him say why. From my time with the Tardis and the vortex I know why, I can feel it even now. But if it does not come from him then I simply cannot accept it as any form of reality.
"I – Rose – I, I – you don't understand. How hard it is, when I had the chance, I just had to give you a shot at a normal life. I couldn't just let you die up here with me in some rust bucket of an old spaceship!" He's not angry, just a bit flustered. I can feel him trying to avoid the words, the words that even a time lord is not immune to the power of.
"Why, doctor? Why not? I thought I was just a companion to you?" I plead with him, willing the words out, to make my dream a reality.
"Oh, don't be daft Rose!" I raise my eyebrows at him, not expecting this reaction. "You have to understand, I – I," The man who is never able to shut up is suddenly at a loss for words. His hand moves to my cheek, his fingertips resting softly against my skin as I grasp his forearm, the only thing I can reach, with both my hands, softly stroking him. I decide to help him.
"Doctor, I know that even as a time lord you may not understand this, but I – well I love you, Doctor." My gaze moves down to my lap as my cheeks burn bright with embarrassment. "I could never sit back and watch you die. The Tardis couldn't either. And I know that this isn't how you feel and it's okay, you don't have to lo-" I am cut off by the gentle, quick return of his lips.
He pulls away after a moment, his index finger finding the bottom of my chin and coaxing my eyes back to his. "Rose, I love you. Nine hundred years of time and space, all of these years travelling alone, tiring of trying to find my own places to call a temporary home, new people to try to get on with who don't get me. No Rose Tyler, I love you more than anyone has ever loved another."
It's my turn to be speechless. The tears whose appearance I thought I would able to mitigate make their grand entrance, spilling over and down my face. He kisses one trail as it flows down the curve of my cheek and I can smell the shampoo in his hair as his head is bent over, warm and inviting. He pulls back and looks at me carefully, awaiting my reply. There's a shadow of gold in his eyes, swirling. Alarm fills me and fear grips my heart.
"Doctor! Your eyes! They look like mine felt!" I thought time lords couldn't die, my doctor, he can't die, not now. He doesn't seem nearly as alarmed as he should be. It's as if he already knows what I've just told him. He pulls his hand back from around me and inspects his palm, where a stream of golden energy is swirling up, like morning fog over a cool ocean. He huffs a big sigh, and words just seem to fall out of him, reminding me of old times.
"Rose, there really is a lot we should be discussing right now, especially in terms of recent events of how I kind of sort of proclaimed you as my one true love, and also how the heck you're still alive when the vortex should have deep fried your brain like a bag of chips, but first, I need to explain something to you. You see, time lords, we have this sort of trick, like a way of cheating death. It's why we're able to live so long. Now I don't want you to worry about me, but I want you to prepare yourself. I'm going to change, okay? I'm not going to look how I do now anymore, but I am going to be exactly the same me that you know, the me that loves you will still be there. I promise."
Even I can feel the confusion on my face. "Oh, okay... What do you mean 'change', exactly?" My voice is cautious, on edge. I hope that he can't hear the tremor in it. He can't leave. I cannot bear losing him again.
The ship around us lurches and creaks. The mist from his hand has moved up his arm, I can see it even through his long sleeves. "I think we've run out of time for questions at the moment, Miss Tyler." His smile gets me every time, his arms pull me up against his chest as he stands and strides into the Tardis. The breath is lost from my lungs before I can conjure a reply. She hums with gleeful excitement and approval at our return. At the top of the platform he gently sets me into a sitting position, walking to the other side of the ship, his hands pressed over his face and turning away from me as the tendrils intensify, now protruding from nearly his whole body.
"Doctor? Doctor are you okay?" I am afraid of losing him. His shoulders hunch over in pain, caving in on himself as I long to run to him, but the fatigue from dying and disassembling the entire Dalek army and holding the essence of the Tardis in my brain is too much, I cannot stand.
"I'm fine Rose, stay over there. It will be over soon, I promise. Just close your eyes." I hear his plead but also the pain that leaves cracks in his voice. Leaving him to suffer and be alone again simply isn't an option. I will be there for him, no matter what it takes. One hand in front of the other I crawl to my voiceless doctor, pain radiating through my muscles. Focusing on the floor and my breathing, I see sudden intense golden light reflecting off of the floor into me. The sight is familiar, like the hear of the Tardis but far more violent. My eyes shoot up to my doctor, mere meters away from me but he's on fire. Golden flames engulf him and a strangled cry escapes my lungs, my soul. I surge forward and upwards, willing my feet to work and launch myself at him, embracing him and clutching onto him as the golden sparks cover us. I will no be without him.
I realise that the golden flames aren't hot, they're simply warm. But the pain of standing is almost too much to bear. I hang onto him, knowing there is nothing I can do but simply be here, letting him know that he is not alone any longer, that he will never be alone again. The pain alters my vision but the light fades. My eyes adjust, only to see that the doctor is no longer here. The man in my arms is different. A full head of hair, brown eyes and a sculpted jaw line. My mouth pops open to form an 'O'. I let go and stagger backwards, falling and sliding away from him.
"Who in the bloody hell are you? Where is my Doctor?! What did you do with him?" I scream at this man. He looks around for a moment, as if trying to get his bearings. As if he hasn't stolen away the only man I've ever truly loved in a cruel twist of fate. He turns towards me, unthreatening, bending his knees and crouching down, one arm extended to me in a cautious gesture.
Softly the man speaks, "Rose, don't you remember what I told you? Just a few moments ago? What did the doctor say to you?" his voice is smooth, calming. But his voice doesn't bring my doctor back. Thoughts still fuzzy, I grasp at straws before reaching the impossible realization that maybe… maybe this is still my doctor. He said he was going to change, that he would look different. But that he would still be my doctor.
"I – it's not possible." He looks frightened, afraid of how I might react. My head still hurts badly as I squint, trying to find familiar features in his face to let me know that it might still be okay. "Come closer," I beckon him in. Something of him must remain. He obliges, slowly moving to me as to not frighten me until his face is mere inches from mine, his extended hand resting on my thigh which is splayed out at an awkward angle from my previous tumble. It's hazy, but I look into his eyes and beyond. I can see depth, thought, a hundred thousand gears turning at once. Deep in them I see a fleck of golden wisp. My chest wells and my throat tightens. "Doctor?" My voice breaks on this single word, his lips extend in a tight smile, still cautious, the gears still turning, still trying to see if I can really believe in this.. I don't even have words to name it. This change. His smile widens as my tears fall for the umpteenth time today, his hands kindly framing my face as he pulls me in closer.
"Oh, my Rose Tyler. You never cease to amaze me, you know." We kiss, and it's not a needy kiss that could end at any moment, but a lover's kiss of passion and patience. My hands find his new hair and curl it around my fingers, beckoning him closer, inviting his tongue into me. He's shifted his body to intertwine with mine, sitting and putting me onto his lap as our hands explore each other. His hands (nor his previous ones) have never felt me like this; they've never felt how the space between my shoulder blades contracts as I take a deep breath in, breathing in his scent and this moment, trying to make it last forever. I've never felt just how much passion he has when an embrace shifts to something more, or the way his hearts race as his smile widens mid-kiss.
For the first time in what's felt like an eternity, I feel like I am exactly where and who I am meant to be. It feels like the golden Tardis energy has returned to me, bringing me strength as I struggle to get enough air. We're both smiling so widely the kiss fades. I look into the kind eyes of my doctor, and I am home.