The song mentioned below is "What I've Done" by Linkin Park. Enjoy!

Ch. 54 Let Mercy Come

"Please! No! I have a wife and children—"

The scream cut off suddenly, and I awoke catching my breath after the nightmare I had been having. I threw the blankets away from myself. It was still dark out, and Edward was no where to be found.

I sat up in the bed for awhile as I stared out the window, avoiding going back to sleep in fear of what might be waiting for me there. I had been having the same dream for the last two weeks. I was in the hospital, talking to Mr. Collins back in Rochester Hospital. All of a sudden the doors would burst open and Sandy would be dragging an unconscious George, the sweet elderly man from the real world, into the ER. When I would get to him to begin compressions, he would wake up and yell at me to stop. When I looked down at what he was pointing to, I saw that I was giving him lethal doses of medication in an IV that I didn't even realize he had. Night after night, it was the same thing. I didn't want to dissect the meaning behind it.

A little while later, I found myself wandering in the halls. It was so quiet, too quiet. Maybe everyone went for a hunt...

I walked into the music room, trying to find anyway to avoid going back to bed. I sat at the piano and smiled. It reminded me of the happier part of that day when I sung for Edward the first time. Everything for those few minutes had seemed nearly perfect. Things were nearly perfect now if I could just get over this nagging feeling that remained after my dream.

Carlisle told me that I must have picked up pneumonia from one of the patients at the hospital, and I was very lucky to survive. Pneumonia was one of the top five causes of mortality in the 1930s before there were better treatment options. How many threats to my fragile mortality does that make now since I had arrived in Twilight world? Fifteen? Twenty?

I thought about the conversation Carlisle and I had been having before I drifted that day, but I forced the images back into their space in the dark crevices of my mind. I don't want to revisit that now. Not ever.

I played a soft melody, like a lullaby, attempting to soothe myself through song. Slowly the melody shifted, and I played the same pattern of notes again and again. The tune sounded so familiar. I couldn't place it for a few minutes, but then the lyrics came to me, flowing through my thoughts along with the music.

In this farewell,

There's no blood,

There's no alibi,

'Cause I've drawn regret,

From the truth,

Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come,

And wash away,

What I've done

I'll face myself,

To cross out what I've become,

Erase myself,

And let go of what I've done...

I stopped playing abruptly, unable to finish the song once I realized the meaning behind the words. My lower lip jutted out against my will, shaking, and silent tears leaked from the corners of my closed eyes. Fuck.

"Why did you stop playing? That was beautiful." Jasper's voice made me start.

I swiped the tears away. "Sorry, I didn't know I had an audience." I forced a laugh.

He frowned, his eyes narrowing slightly, and his mouth formed a tight line. "You don't have to do that, you know. There's really no point around me..." he was leaning against the door frame, studying my expression. He hadn't really spoken to me, probably avoiding his bloodlust ever since I arrived here two weeks ago. Thankfully, I was finally feeling better, nearly fully recovered.

"Do what?" Why had he decided to start talking to me now? Please just go back to Alice...

"Try to cover up what you're feeling. You know I can tell you're upset about something." His voice was soft and probing, his southern twang in full force. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, thanks. It's just a silly dream I've been having. I'll be fine." You can't face this now. Not ever. It will change everything. Remember what happened last time you tried to address this? You wound up floating away into the abyss of the light. No good will come of this.

"Edward is worried about you. He can't feel what you're feeling, but he can read your thoughts." Edward? He had been in a total state of bliss since I had come back, or at least I thought he had..."You need to talk to him." Shit. I thought everything was fine. I was healing. Edward was happy. The family was whole again.

I sighed but didn't say anything as he walked away.

I began playing again, thinking about anything else besides my problems. I thought about how I had changed things by meeting Edward when I did, how things in this timeline diverged from the original story.

Rosalie and Emmett had joined the family a bit differently than their original counterparts had, but I think it was for the better. In 1933 Edward stopped Royce King from attacking Rose, keeping her human and none the wiser about the danger she had been in. She was angry when Royce disappeared. She believed he had left her for another woman.

Carlisle and Esme had tracked down Emmett a few years later. He was living in the mountains of Appalachia alone because his parents and siblings had succumbed to starvation and disease due to their poverty and lack of resources during the Depression. He was barely making it on his own, and had gotten lost in the woods while going to hunt for food. Carlisle stopped him from intercepting a bear, and convinced him to come back to Rochester with promise for a better life for him. They helped him find work and a modest home.

Carlisle and Esme kept tabs on him. One day he was on his way home from work and stopped at the bank to make a deposit where he met Rose. She was stand-offish of course, believing she was better than him and his blue collar work, but his personality shined through. He was irresistible. He proved himself to her, but her family disowned her, angry that she would choose such an "unsuitable husband." Rose didn't care. She was head over heels for him and his dimples. She had seen what trying to seek out money over love could do.

She wanted what her best friend Vera had found, and she got it. Rosalie and Emmett were married in a humble ceremony with just close friends—Cullens included— and welcomed their first child that Spring, under the care of Dr. Cullen himself. Rosalie was ecstatic to finally be a mother to their curly-haired, dimpled baby boy. However, she nearly died of postpartum complications, and Carlisle changed her at Emmett's insistence.

Apparently, Emmett was not as obtuse as his goofy nature would have you believe. He knew something was up with the Cullens, and when his Rosie's life was in danger, he wanted her saved. Rosalie was angry when she woke up and realized what had been taken from her, but Carlisle promised her that she could see Emmett and their son, Thomas, again. Edward explained to her about mine and his relationship despite our difference in species. She wasn't happy about it, but it kept her appeased. She was torn up about missing time with her child, though.

Emmett stayed with their baby until Rose was past her first year of vampirism. Then he chose, unconventionally, to be changed too, so he could stay with Rosalie forever. She kept their child with the Cullens while Edward stayed with Emmett during his first year. Thomas still remained human—as he would forever per Rosalie—and lived back in New York with his wife and children. Emmett and Rose were there now visiting them. They were all aware but sworn to secrecy about vampires, obviously.

Alice and Jasper had arrived basically the same way their cannon counterparts had, but Edward informed Alice about her past which he knew from my memories. She was able to secretly help and support her sister and niece from afar. She seemed happier if that were even possible for Alice.

Jasper, while still struggling, was able to prepare a bit for my arrival, and Edward again used the information from my memories teach his newest brother about how his empathy was tied to his bloodlust. When others were thirsty, his thirst was worse by a tenfold. He hunted much more regularly than the others. It seemed to be working so far.

Carlisle and Esme were Carlisle and Esme. Their purity, compassion, and love could never be affected by anything I did.

"You know they love you too. It wasn't just me who missed you. Even Alice felt like she knew you once I told her about you. She tried searching for you everyday of the last twenty years she's been with us." Edward pulled me from my thoughts. I hadn't realized how light it was out, but I was sitting silently at the piano without playing. "Sorry I was just out hunting. I thought I could be back before you woke up. Why did you wake up so early? It's only five now."

"Just thinking." I answered cryptically with a shrug and slight smile.

"You've been thinking a lot lately." He frowned.

"Is that a pass at my intelligence? Are you surprised that I have a working brain?" I joked with an unavoidable yawn.

"No, silly girl." He kissed my temple, and lifted me into his arms, carrying me back toward our room. "I'm concerned about you. You keep leaving me in your mind. You're keeping me out somehow. I don't like it."

"I can't keep you out." I lifted a brow at him. "It's impossible..." I made a disparaging face, and Edward smiled but it didn't reach his eyes.

"No, but you can still hide behind other thoughts. I just want you to be happy. Something is bothering you. Give me your burdens please." He set me on the bed, looking at me seriously, and I pulled my knees to my chest, leaning against the headboard. I didn't want to give him my burdens. I didn't want to face them myself.

Remember what happened the last time you tried to face them, Iris? You disappeared into the abyss of neutrality...

"Iris. You have to talk to me. This isn't helping anything to run away."

"I'm here. I'm not running anymore..." I whispered almost to myself.

"Physically? No. But you're retreating into yourself. Is it something I've done?" I looked to him in confusion. You're wonderful, perfect actually. What could you have done? It was my fault. I'm the real problem. "I've been trying to allow you to recover before talking to you about this, but you seem to be in much better health now..." he trailed off.

Uh oh. This sounded bad. "What is it?"

"I'm just concerned about you. Back in 1932–almost a month ago for you—before you knew you were ill, you told Carlisle some about your life experiences...the way you felt about yourself." He was speaking in a very cautious tone.

Instantly my stomach clenched, and I felt the urge to jump up again, to run. Oh God. Not that. No. This topic was off limits. Go back to joking with me. Let's just stay in our blissful respite from all things ugly.

"Iris we have to talk about this. I find it all very disturbing—" he began.

"No!" I forced myself off of the bed preparing to leave. My heart was pounding, my breathing rate doubled. You should find it disturbing! I'm a crazed murderer, selfish to the extreme, totally unfazed by the evil which I have committed. I'm a terrible person. No, I'm not even a person. I'm a monster.

"Iris, please!" Edward's expression changed from concerned to one of pain. I was hurting him with my thoughts too unintentionally. Shit! All I bring is pain. "I don't share any of those views about you."

"Sometimes I wish you couldn't hear me." I said in a whisper.

"I don't! It would only serve to make this relationship that much more difficult." He responded in a sharp tone and shook his head. "You need to forgive yourself."

"Ok, I'll get right on that. And while we're at it, let's go find Charles Manson, and tell him that it's ok that he orchestrated the murders of all those people and that he needs to forgive himself too." I said bitterly. Did he not see how evil I was? Honestly, I wouldn't even be able to make it through each day except that I knew my presence brought him joy. He deserved to be happy. He didn't deserve to be burdened with any of this.

"Your problems are my problems. Please stop, Iris." Edward groaned as he held the sides of his head and pulled at his hair. "It does hurt me to listen to this."

"Then stop listening!" I snapped. I wasn't really angry with him, but I didn't want to say anything more on the matter. No! I'm not going there. This was a subject which I had rather successfully folded and compacted into a tiny, itty bitty, microscopic cube inside my brain to stay for eternity for all I cared. I couldn't talk about this. It was like Pandora's box...if I opened this lid, the evil, disgusting truth would come out never to be put it back in. The truth would destroy all the peace I found here with the Cullens. I would have to leave. They wouldn't want me as I am.

I realized then that I could never be changed. I could control myself as long as I was human, but that would change later. I had to be stopped. I needed to leave to keep everyone safe. I needed to—

"No! Damnit, Iris!" He grabbed me by the arm as I had begun to head for the door. Everything in me was yelling at me to run. "I've had it with you running away. It doesn't solve the problem. We will never be able to be together for any significant amount of time if things stay this way."

"Maybe I've already ruined everything." Faces were beginning to appear to me. People I had killed. People who I hadn't protected. Everything in me was continuing to say go. Get away from this. If you face it, you will break...Keep up the facade of being unaffected. Shove it down. Don't let anyone, especially those you love know what's inside of you, know what you're capable of...

Edward who had been so angry before, closed his eyes and steadied his unnecessary breathing. After a moment he opened his eyes and his expression was softened. "We are each capable of doing bad things, Iris. That doesn't make us bad people. And in your case, you haven't actually done anything yet. You travelled back to a time when those events have not happened. You can change the outcome now. That's more than any of us can say for our mistakes." His eyes were burning intensely with regret.

He meant his words to be helpful, but he didn't get it. Just because I hadn't killed those people yet, didn't mean that I wouldn't kill more. Their faces of torment, pain, and unyielding suffering were just a symbol of the bigger problem here. Me. I had taken an oath to preserve human life, to serve my fellow man, but I had failed at every avenue. I could easily lie to myself and say that those were mistakes, flukes, totally circumstantial, but that would be the biggest farce. I knew differently.

He continued to speak in a controlled, low voice. "I've killed hundreds of humans, Iris. I willingly sought them out. I reveled in their pain and deaths. I loathed having to stop. It's what made me struggle the most back when you first found me, what took so long for me to come back to you. Yes, I felt guilty after a kill, but I truly enjoyed the blood. It's in my nature. It will be in yours too, but we can help you fight it when the time comes."

I shook my arm free of him, and he released me, never forcing me to do anything against my will. I was past the point of no return. He still wasn't getting it. I couldn't be saved. This dysfunction was inside of me, genetic. "You killed MURDERERS! There's no comparison! I knew better, and I didn't give a fuck! I was sad about losing you. I was angry that I couldn't have everything that I wanted, so I took it out on innocent people! Women. Children. Husbands. Grandparents. Cousins. Daughters and sons! It didn't matter! The blood was amazing, but what was I really thinking?! I wanted them to suffer just like I was. If I couldn't have what I wanted, then no one could. I'm selfish. I'm disgusting. I'm tainted. I'm damaged."

"You don't believe that. I can hear the contradiction in your thoughts. That isn't the real you." He was grasping for my hand, but ignored him.

"Isn't it?" I was pacing wildly, adrenaline pumping. Memories of my previous life in the real world began to assault me. "Oh God...I'm sick...I'm like them."

My body was telling me that I needed to get out. I needed an escape. I should never have infiltrated the Cullen's happy, well-adjusted lives with this shit. There was nothing to be done. Nothing he could say or do to correct this. I had been kidding myself when I thought I could ever have a happily ever after. This wasn't a question of what he deserved. It was about what I deserved which wasn't much. I couldn't be with Edward even to make him happy because it would always come back to my baggage. He couldn't be happy. Me being with him was just another way of running and hiding away from the damage inside of myself.

"You're not sick, Iris. None of what you're thinking about yourself is true. Don't let these thoughts poison you and take you from me. Your parents were sick. You are different. You are kind, compassionate, healing to others, and truly my better half. Don't listen to the voice inside of you." He was pleading with me.

"I killed them, Edward. I actually did it. Do you know how confusing and wrong that is to me? How screwed up it is? I went to therapy for years to work through my issues with my parents. I thought I was healed, rid of their fucking insanity. I thought I was giving back by taking care of my patients, breaking the cycle. Then I took over Bella's body, and I realized that it didn't matter what my conscious mind chose to think. I am selfish. My default will always be to save myself. I should have died back in my world, but I came here and messed everything up just so I could survive. I hit one small bump in our road together, and I gave up. I murdered thousands of humans when I could have fought it. I could have worked on my ability and had Aro killed. I could have found freedom, but I spent a year and a half with them, lost in my own mind, killing all the time and enjoying it. That's so fucked up..." I was crying again. Damn these fucking tears!

"Jasper?" Edward and I turned in confusion to the door just in time to see Jasper walking in.

"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. Sorry to intrude, but I need to speak with your mate." Jasper looked to me seriously. "Let's go, Iris."

"What? We're a little busy, Jasper." I spoke through a tight voice. I didn't know him well enough yet to cuss him out like I wanted to currently.

Jasper only chuckled. "You're shooting some pretty nasty emotions my way now, and I get it, but I think I can help you both if you'll come with me." He folded his arms across his chest with a raised brow.

Edward looked at Jasper meaningfully and then nodded. "You should go." He said to me. What?! "Iris. You need to talk to someone. Obviously, it's not helping to speak with me. Go with him, please. This is for you, and it's for our future. Do you still want to be with me?"

"Of course I do but—"

"Go." He said again softly this time. He crossed the distance between us, kissed me on the forehead, and leaned down to my ear. "Go, please." He whispered.

I turned to Jasper at a loss. There was nothing anyone could say to me. I was broken, damaged goods, poisoned.

"God, you're so melodramatic." Jasper laughed as he towed me out of the room.

Son of a— "Iris." I heard Edward say in warning as I left.

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