.. Summary: An alternative beginning: Shouts shoudn't be repressed.
.. Disclaimer: Even if I say FMA belongs to me, anyone will believe me ..
.. A/N: My first fanfiction in English. Only constructive reviews, please. Thank you!
Shout
I wanted to scream when I knew Dad was not coming back, but all I could do was remain silent.
I wanted to scream when I saw Mom sick, lying on the floor, but I could only let out a whimper when I called her.
I wanted to scream when I watched her die, but all I could do was curl up and cry.
I wanted to scream when we were studying alchemy to revive her, but I could only read on.
I wanted to scream when we were trapped on that Dublith Island, but I could only complain in sobs.
Now I also want to scream as Ed draws the human transmutation circle on the floor, but I just watch and pretend to agree.
"Will you shut up today too? Will you moan? Will you cry? Will you continue?" - I question my subconscious, betraying my main ideal of not thinking about anything to avoid regret.
I look at my brother as he chalks up the lines, as if it was nothing more than entertainment, but it's something very important. Something very dangerous.
"What are you going to do?" - of all the questions he could ask me, that's the one I least want to answer. I don't want to because I really don't know.
I know that he is also nervous, because he has been wrong several times in the circle and has had to correct. But he's over, and now he's going over it for the fifth time.
"Make up your mind. Soon it will all begin." - my mind repeats, urging me to make a decision now- "Or will it all end?"
And I just have a bad feeling about what's about to happen. We don't know why human transmutation was banned and qualified as maximum risk. I'm scared, and I want to scream. I want to scream.
And I do it: I scream.
And when I run out of air in my lungs to keep screaming with, I cry. Edward comes running up to me and holds me very tightly in his lap, asking me almost desperately what's wrong with me. I start shaking my head in denial as I cover it with my arms and curl up in the arms. I feel real terror all of a sudden for some reason that I don't know, but that drives me to scream, scream, kick and cry.
- I don't want to go on! I don't want to transmute Mom! I don't want to, I don't want to! -
It is true but, in my head, not entirely logical. I long to see her again, her smile, but I am very, very afraid. Not only for me, but also for him, who says nothing while he's hugging me. I notice that his whole body is the shaking same or more than mine. When he separates from me, he places his face very close to mine, sketching a sad, forced half-smile. His eyes are red from crying with me.
- You're scared too, aren't you? - he says softly- Okay. We'll stop here.
He doesn't even make a vague effort to try to convince me, as he used to. He leaves the room and then returns with a bucket full of water and a pair of rags. He wets one of them and proceeds to clean the circle.
- Thanks for shouting.