Ch. 67 Motherly Love
"With Giligaaaaaaaan, the skipper toooooo, the milionaaaaaaaire, and his wife! The movie star! The professor and Maryann, here on Giligan's Iiiiiiiiiiiiiisle!" Emmett and I were singing as loudly and obnoxiously as possible much to Edward's dismay, but we were having fun. Sorry, honeybun, I warned you long ago about all my singing. Edward rolled his eyes playfully at me. I was lying across the sofa and had my feet propped up on his lap at the other end.
It took so little to entertain my under-stimulated mind these days as my baby bump continued to grow larger and larger and my mobility shrank to just a few lousy hours off my butt. I was now measuring to be about the size of a small honeydew melon.
"Come away to sea with us, my love! Let's get lost on a island!"
"I think we've already done that..." Edward smirked.
"Eeeeee!" I shrieked when Emmett scooped me into his arms a little too roughly.
"Rose and I will go on a three hour tour with you, Preggers!" Oh Edward's going to get you, Em...
Sure enough Edward rushed after Emmett grabbing for me frantically as Emmett spun me around in his arms while singing the theme song once more. We had been watching a marathon of "Giligan's Island" for at least the last three hours, and we were obviously drunk with boredom.
I was finally getting past the morning sickness phase of my pregnancy it seemed and was just now entering into my third week, so over half way there. I had more energy, less vomiting, and I kind of loved my sweet little bump—and my bigger rump. I looked hot, curvey, and I was rocking this! I often caught Edward staring down at my ever-expanding bump in wonder, or maybe he was just checking out his insanely hot wife. He must like what he saw too because we were having no problems in the love-making department. Life was pretty sweet.
"Emmett! Did you forget that she is pregnant with our child? Put her down this instance!" Edward growled, but some of the menace in his threat was lost when he realized that he could only tug gently on his hulk of a brother without jostling me further. Man, he already sounded like a dad. Well, what I assumed a real dad would sound like. We already established that mine kind of sucked.
"Aww lighten up, Edd-o. Exercise is good for pregnant ladies." Emmett and I were getting sillier and sillier with each passing episode of the show, and we were guffawing uncontrollably together at this point. I had obviously spent too much time inside lounging around.
Jasper and Alice had just left to hunt, and Rosalie—not surprisingly—flicked her hair over her shoulder when the singing started and left us for her car shop behind the manor to work on tuning her new corvette.
Esme was sitting quietly in the pinstriped, overstuffed wing chair to my left knitting some yellow yarn baby booties while Carlisle looked over his newspaper at us in amusement.
"Light exercises! LIGHT, Emmett! And stop with the nicknames!" Edward stopped fighting to rake his hands through his hair in frustration. "You said you would be careful, Iris!"
Ok. You're right. But I'll never say this out loud, so you better savor this mental apology...I tapped on Emmett's shoulder so he would let me down and Edward immediately moved by my side to support me—needlessly—so that I smoothly transitioned from Emmett's grasp to Edward's.
"Edward, I finally have a little bit more energy, and the baby isn't large enough to hurt me yet. Can't I just enjoy these next few days? Please?" I blinked my lashes and pouted, and Edward sighed. He knew I was manipulating him, but what was he going to do about it? He glared at me playfully at that thought, and I laughed.
"Would you like to go for a walk then since you're feeling better? Get some fresh air?" Edward asked in a low voice as he pulled me to him, running his nose up and down my neck as he inhaled. Mmm...
"Please..." I murmured, and he chuckled at my response to his touch.
"Wait here." He made sure I was safely sitting on the couch again before dashing away toward the kitchen.
Shit. Here it comes. It. Don't think the word, Iris. This nagging feeling will only grow until it's so out of control, so overwhelming that you'll never be able to control it. You have to be in control. You have to. Don't let this happen, Iris. Be strong. Shit. Fucking shit.
Edward returned, walking into the room looking completely unfazed. I knew he could hear me losing my shit. He knew that I knew, but he would never acknowledge it. This is the game we had been playing for the last two weeks every time it was that time of the day...feeding time.
Edward smiled slightly, his eyes crinkled just a little too tightly at the edges. He was nervous too. He was an excellent actor, but I knew him better than anyone. He was worried.
"It will be fine, Iris. You've been doing so well." Liar. He's lying trying to put me at ease. Good husband, but it won't work.
Every muscle in my body tensed as Edward set the cup down on the coffee table in front of me, allowing me to make the decision on my own time. But there was no decision to be made. I had to do it for our baby. We had tried blood of the animal variety first, but my body rejected it. I vomited relentlessly until there was nothing left. Even with Edward's hypersonic speed it took him twenty minutes to get all the blood off of everything. Nope. Our child was a blood snob. In the words of Alice, only the best for our baby...
I hesitantly reached for the offensive vessel. I held the cup away from myself with a grimace as I took a few timid breaths in anticipation. As the scent of it hit my nares, my head grew dizzy with need. I had to have it. I would die if I didn't have it. Now.
Edward reached to take the cup back, and when I nearly slapped him, my conscious mind so rejected the act of harming him that I snapped back to the present. He sighed and slowly pried the cup from my iron grip, peeling back each finger until I released it. "Iris. You're fine. Just pace yourself. One sip at a time. Do you want me to hold the cup for you?" Edward spoke slowly, enunciating each word as I fought to pay attention to him through my thirst.
"No...no...I've got it..." I said absentmindedly as the call of the blood drew me in hypnotically again. It smells so good, so rich. I bet it will feel like silk and butter sliding down my aching throat. It will give me the fix I so desperately nee—Hey! Snap out of it, Iris! Control. Control. Control. You've got this...
Edward nodded at me in approval as he listened to the war raging inside of me with a reassuring smile. He offered the cup to me, and repeated, "control, love." I nodded back at him, drew in a steady sip fighting my urges desperately and he took my free hand, kissed it, and walked with me out the door.
It had been like this every time I had the blood for the last week. The first time they offered it to me, Jasper said I was behaving almost as badly as a newborn vampire. My body was so desperate for it that I grew ravenous and feral, almost violent with need. It scared the shit out of me. If I was this bad now, still human, how the hell was I going to get through the newborn stage...? Would I ever be able to reach Cullen level of control?! Nothing about this life came easily for me. Damnit all.
No one was sure what exactly made me, specifically, so sensitive to the blood, but I still thought it was my genetic predisposition for addiction and addictive behaviors. THANKS MOM AND DAD! It wasn't enough that they ruined my life, they had to leave me with a parting gift. Fuck my life.
I had purposely avoided alcohol or drugs my whole life for this reason, and tried to use the personality trait in my favor by throwing myself into other more positive addictive things, i.e. work and school...fat load of good it did though because now I had to consume this particular vice to survive, literally a case of life or death if I didn't, and I felt like I was totally out of control.
Fuck it. I slurped the rest of the cup down quickly, giving in to all the desire, instantly consumed by my thirst for more.
"Where is it? I need more. I'm so thirsty. I'm dying. Edward, please? Pleeeease?"
I scanned the room. There had to be more! Where was the blood? Damnit! WHERE'S THE BLOOD?!
"Love. Love?" Someone held my face and spoke to me firmly, but I didn't pay them any mind. I needed it. I had to get more. He was keeping it from me. Fuck him! "You're stronger than this craving. Everything is fine. Look at me. You are NOT a monster!"
My head was swimming. I need more, the desire is eating up every free space in my brain. Can't you feel it? I need the blood! "BLOOD, FIND THE BLOOD!" The voice in my mind was saying...
I had to have more! Where could I find it? Where did they keep it? They were hiding it from me, keeping it for themselves. They couldn't have it. THE BLOOD IS MINE!
God, I need it. I want it. GIVE ME MORE! MORE BLOOD, MORE STRENGTH, MORE LIFE!
"IRIS!" A steady flow of calm came over me and I found myself outside, staring into Edward's terrified eyes. I blinked and looked around me, feeling as if I had just come out of thick fog. How did we get out here? What happened?
Esme and Alice were forming a wide perimeter around me. They were crouched low to the ground with weary expression, eyes trained directly on me. Edward held me from behind in his arms as he murmured calming words of affirmation in my ear, rocking us gently.
"The heartbeat is a little fast, but I think it's alright." Rosalie stood in front of me, cradling my belly, her eyes wide with fear. "Carlisle? What do you think?"
"The baby is fine. Iris? Can you hear me?" His golden irises were almost hidden as he narrowed his eyes as he tried to read my expression. What had happened? How did I get here? What the fucking hell?!
"She's scared. Iris?" Jasper stood back just a foot or so from us with an indiscernible frown but took a hesitant step forward when he addressed me.
Emmett looked back and forth between me and Rosalie like he needed to protect her from me.
"Why is everyone looking at me like that?" My heart was beating rapidly, forcing all the adrenaline from fear through me. A sheen of sweat covered me from head to toe. What the fuck just happened?!
Edward sighed and relief flooded him as his body instantly relaxed and he turned me around to hold me to his chest. "You went in to a type of crazed trance. It was almost worse than a newborn. You were thrashing wildly, scratching at anyone who came close to you, throwing things. You wouldn't listen to reason. Your mind was... animalistic, uncivilized. I thought you might accidentally harm yourself or the baby so I brought you out here away from anything sharp...You just kept screaming 'blood' over and over..." His low, worried voice trailed off into some far off place of horror by the sound of it. He held me closer against his shoulder, smoothing my hair. This was bad. This was worse than the first time I drank it. This was Volturi level crazy Iris. Shit. How was I going to
Handle this? I wasn't. I wasn't going to handle this. Shit. Fuck. Fucking shit.
I pushed his hand away and moved to stand, angry with myself...with my weakness.
"Iris..? No, come back. Everything will be—" Edward still held onto my hand as I tried to get away, struggling because my expanding abdomen made things a hundred times worse.
"Fine?" I snapped. "How? How the hell is this going to be fine?" I'm not fine, and this is incredibly embarrassing. I'm a fucking human. How can I already be acting like some blood-crazed newborn?! Blood...NO! SHUT THE FUCK UP! God!
I ripped my hand away from Edward, nearly falling over. Fucking gravity.
Edward rushed to catch me, but I caught myself first. Something in my face or thoughts stopped him from comforting me the way he usually would. I looked away from him, ashamed. I was ashamed for my weakness, ashamed for hurting Edward now, ashamed for putting our baby at risk...Damnit!
"There's nothing to be ashamed of—"
"No, Edward. You don't get to use my thoughts like that. You brought me outside AWAY FROM SHARP OBJECTS. I was going to harm our child?! God. I can't..." I don't know what I was going to say. My mind was still reeling from the fact that I had lost so much control.
I turned to walk—waddle—away. I don't know where I'm going, but it doesn't matter. I have to move, have to shake this...feeling.
"Hey, no running." Edward looked at me meaningfully, and his expression was so broken, so heartfelt that my lower lip jutted out on its own accord and tears welled up in my eyes.
"I'm fine." My voice cracked, betraying my poorly suppressed emotions. I broke eye contact and turned back around to walk away aimlessly. I won't go far...just...please...
I pushed past Esme and Rosalie, unable to meet their eyes. I knew I wouldn't actually be left alone. Someone—probably Edward or Rosalie—would trail behind me for my safety and the baby's, but the least that they could do would be to leave me alone and let me pretend that I wasn't being followed.
An hour later, I was sitting in the grass at the edge of the woods about two hundred feet from the back of the house, looking at nothing in particular, picking at the blades, and feeling sorry for myself. Everything was silent for once. I knew they were all watching—and listening to my thoughts...Hello dear—but they were respecting my need for privacy, chaperoned of course.
I felt a nudge in my abdomen just then and smiled as I looked down. "Hello." I spoke in a soft voice. Ok, I get it, I'm being ridiculous. This is all for you. And it's worth it. I just...I'm weak, baby. I'm sorry. I hope you take after your father. I pray that you never feel hurt or lonely or...broken. I don't want to fail you, and that's exactly what this feels like. I'm failing at being your mother already...
"We would do anything for our children." I heard Esme's sweet, feminine voice before I saw her come and sit daintily beside me. Ok...not the Cullen I expected to follow me out here first, but at least it's not Jasper here to knock some sense into me. That would probably just lead to more tears in my super pregnant state. Fucking hormones.
The ease and grace of her movement made me re-evaluate how I was sitting sprawled out with my legs spread and hunched over my belly, but when I tried to correct my posture, I only lost my balance, nearly rolling over. Esme put her hand out and carefully moved me into a more upright position. She smiled warmly at me when I caught her eye.
We sat in awkward silence for what felt like forever. Well, it was awkward for me. Esme seemed the picture of patience, smiling to herself as the wind blew her hair away from her face gently. I wondered briefly if I would ever be so carefree and confident. Maybe I looked like that when I was a vampire...I doubted it though.
After an eternity of silence, I broke. "I don't know what I'm doing." I admitted guiltily in a whisper. "I hate that I can't control this. If I can't even be around...blood—" Mmm delicious...STOP! I closed my eyes and swallowed back the saliva pouring into my mouth at just the thought of it. I took a deep breath, allowing the clean, crisp outdoor air to clear my senses. Ok better... "—as a human, how the hell am I going to be as a vampire? How am I going to be able to function...how will I ever be able to hold our child or even just be in the same room? I didn't expect that I would have perfect control, but this?" I shuddered, unable to elaborate on the level of shame I was truly feeling.
She looked away from me, her mind traveling to a far off place.
I knew it. She can't relate. She doesn't know how to talk to a monster like me. She—
Esme's voice cut my self-deprecating thoughts off. "I tasted my first drop of human blood in my third week of being a newborn." She looked back at me with a somber expression. "We think he was hiking with a group and must have gotten lost because he was way off of the trail that the humans would usually take...He died, of course. There's no stopping the frenzy once it begins, or not usually." She glanced back at the house and smiled slightly. "Carlisle is the exception to that. He's so perfect that it can be very intimidating. It's quite something to try to live up to, don't you think?" Then she smiled sweetly at me.
"Esme, you were a newborn vampire. Of course the human blood called to you. It's not the sa—"
She interrupted me again. "The worst part about it was when I ripped off Edward's arm." What? WHAT?! "...I've always seen him as my child, even from the very beginning. We played him off as my brother for a time out of convenience while we travelled amongst the humans, but he was always my baby. Maybe it was my maternal instincts carried over after the change or maybe it was always meant to be this way...but when I saw him crouched before me and hissing in pain...when I realized that I had done that to him? I wanted to end my life all over again. I would have gladly thrown myself from the highest cliff a hundred times over to be able to go back and change what I did, what the draw of the blood brought out in me."
"Edward doesn't blame you. He knows that it wasn't your fault." I stated. Poor Esme. She was too good for this world, an angel without her wings...
Esme placed a cool hand on top of mine on the ground. "It's not your fault either, dear. This is uncharted territory for us, this pregnancy. You would never consciously harm yourself or your child. We all know this. Even you know it deep down. It took years for me to forgive myself after hurting Edward the way that I did, but this drive, this need for blood is powerful. It can turn even the meekest at heart into a merciless killer. We will protect you and the baby above all else, Iris. Just focus on keeping yourself healthy and safe and allow us to do the rest."
"Thank you, Mo—Esme."I corrected awkwardly.
"You can call me Mom if you want. It's only been nearly forty years." She laughed. "I told you that you will always be my daughter. I'm so excited that you and Edward have chosen to give us the gift of a grandchild."
"Thank you, Mom." I said with a smile, and she stood, kissed my hair, and walked back to the house to leave me to my thoughts again.
God, I fucking love this family. What I wouldn't have given to have grown up here with them...though that would have made Edward my brother...Nope nevemind. I'll stick with how things are now. Ew. I grimaced with the thought of my brother husband. Ugh. Go away!
"You're twisted." Edward whispered in my ear and I jumped. Fuck!
"God!" What the hell?! I would never get used to how quiet these vampires could be.
"Not quite." He smirked, and I laughed in spite of everything because it was the same thing Carlisle had said when I woke up the same way in the hospital back in Forks so long ago.
"Like father, like son I suppose." Edward chuckled, but then his features softened. "You will be fine, Iris. This isn't supposed to be easy. It may take years, but don't worry. We have eternity."
Eternity with Edward? Hell yes.
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