The duel did not go well.
Sidious was a better fighter than Anakin had dared to imagine, he was faster than Master Yoda and stronger than Master Windu. Worst of all he was toying with Anakin.
He had forgone easy opportunities to end the duel, he laughed while they were fighting and hurled objects at Anakin in the force, and as each tree branch hit him, each piece of lightning burned and shocked him, each scene of a dark future flashed in his mind, Anakin's rage grew.
And the Dark Lord knew it. "You're weak Anakin. You're never going to prevent my rise like this. You'll have to do better."
Anakin snapped. He gave up fighting like a Jedi and let his rage out, instead of controlling his anger and allowing the force to guide him as it saw fit, he used his anger, his passion and bolstered his own strength. He let loose the dragon that lived inside of him and turned his fears into white hot rage.
He exploded into action growing stronger with each stroke forcing Sidious on the defensive for the first time in the duel. And yet the dark lord was slippery, he faded away like the morning gloom when the sun rose. Enraged at his own inability to lock the Sith lord down and defeat his foe he drew even deeper upon the force.
The force responded to his call with a surge of dark power which he released into a shockwave that exploded out in all directions. The grass underneath him was vaporized in the wake of his omnidirectional attack; the ground beneath him cratered in dropping him into a concave bowl-shaped crater he'd created in the ground. The effort left him staggering for breath and hurled Sidious back and into a tree, and yet long before Anakin felt strong enough to continue the duel the Dark Lord was walking towards him taking measured steps, allowing Anakin to catch his breath, to recover his strength. He had the distinct impression that if he could see under the hood of that heavy cloak his adversary would be smiling.
The Sith confirmed it seconds later, laughing his mad cackle and taunting his adversary "I confess myself disappointed Anakin, that's not how a Jedi fights. Where is your vaunted Jedi control? Where is your inner peace? That felt more like passion to me."
Anakin burned with resentment at the Sith standing in front of him, daring to mock the jedi code to his face and taunt him with his own failure to live up to its ideals. This was what the Sith wanted he realized, for Anakin to give in fully to his own weaknesses to fully embrace the dark side. That was the point of him prolonging the duel, to goad Anakin into using the darkside. He would not let him win.
He took a deep breath and forced himself to release his anger, to clamp down on his fears, and his inner darkness. He drew the dragon back inside of him and calmed his mind.
The Sith snarled and reignited the duel with a burst of speed and strength. Anakin was forced into a frantic and desperate defense, but it was not enough. He was outmatched and had lost whatever edge he'd had. His focus had shifted from winning the duel through whatever means necessary, to controlling his anger and fighting in a manner fitting for a jedi.
It happened almost too fast for him to comprehend, one moment he was ducking under a backhand slash from Sidious's blade and bringing his lightsaber up to defend against an overhand cut when suddenly his lightsaber seemed to fall to the ground.
His eyes watched in numb disbelief and mute horror as his artificial hand fell with it, still gripping the weapon tightly. The pain caught up to him a second later, it was like his arm was on fire burning and ice cold all at once.
He forced his body to endure, reaching out with the force to call the lightsaber up to his left hand, to continue the duel. But Sidious never gave him the chance.
The Dark Lord extinguished his own lightsaber, raised both hands and pummeled Anakin with wave after wave of force lightning the likes of which he'd never felt before. It was far stronger than Dooku's meagre efforts and left him screaming. It burned at his skin leaving ugly red and black welts and left him writhing in all consuming agony.
He let loose screams of pain and rage unable to see or think beyond his own suffering. Eventually the Dark Lord stopped his relentless assault, and Anakin could barely breathe. The force lightning had burned off the skin on his back and stomach and even after it ceased the pain stuck with him. With an impossible effort he managed to turn himself around to face his tormentor.
Sidious was standing relaxed and unconcerned, tossing Anakin's lightsaber up and down watching it rise and fall with obvious amusement, before tucking it into the sleeve of his robe and leaning down to speak with the fallen jedi.
'You've failed Anakin. But I want to you to take heart," He said in a mocking tone of false concern and sympathy. "When I remove your master's empty head from his feeble shoulders and crush your apprentice's spine, I want to you to remember, 'There is no death, there is only the force."
He cackled again as Anakin struggled to stand fighting against every aching and screaming muscle, fighting against the incredible pain he felt. He had to win, he had to stop this monster from continuing to wreak havoc on his family and indeed across the entire galaxy. The Sith continued ignoring him completely, "Can you do that for me chosen one? And remember, 'rejoice for those who have joined with the force, mourn them do no, miss them do not.'" He laughed again at his own malicious imitations of Yoda's backward speech.
Anakin let out a roar of incoherent rage and hurled himself at the Sith Master intending to take him down also. But the Dark Lord merely stepped aside and allowed him to fall unceremoniously back into the ground.
As he lay sprawling face down on the floor his rage and fear trapped impotently inside of him the dark lord lifted a single gnarled hand and placed it on the back of Anakin's head and continued to mock him. "Life is about your point of view Anakin. If you look at it like I'm suggesting, you won't have failed your friends so spectacularly at all. You're merely speeding up their reunion with the force. You're helping them really."
Anakin roared out again, but this time with the force. He used every bit of power remaining inside of him, every piece of fear and anger and brought them together for a single purpose, to choke the life out of his enemy, to break his neck and cut off his mocking jeers.
For a moment he succeeded, he pierced through the force shield which surrounded the dark lord and gained a grip on his adversaries' neck. He moved to snap it and squeeze the life out of him when the dark lord struck back, releasing another wave of cascading force lightning which cut off his concentration and left him screaming.
The fight was all but out of him, he had no energy left, none to stand, none to fight, none to even call out to the force. He felt the sweet embrace of unconsciousness calling to him, and it took all his will merely to keep his eyes open, to prolong his death.
Evidently his mental shielding had floundered as well during the fight, because when the Dark Lord spoke next it was directed towards his thoughts. "Don't worry Anakin I'm not going to kill you. It would be a mercy to kill you now and the Sith do not believe in mercy. I'm going to leave you here without your lightsaber, without your artificial arm, and without your refrigeration unit and let the predators of this world devour you. If you happen to survive, you'll be able to reach out into the force and feel your friends die all across the galaxy. You'll be able to see just how badly you've failed. "
The Sith's mad cackles were the last thing he heard before he slipped into unconsciousness.
When Anakin came to, it didn't take him long to realize the Sith had been telling the truth. His arm was gone, the pain from his electrocution still wracked his body. He could barely move; his entire body was swollen and in pain. His back and chest were scarred with black and red angry welts and scars.
Idly he wondered if the scars and welts were permanent, he hoped not. Padme would not be a fan of his new look, that was for sure.
Padme
Her name was enough to set off a whirlwind of emotions inside of him these days, anger and pain at her choice not to exchange him, even some vengeful rage. But it also brought to the forefront the all-consuming love he felt for her, the admiration and appreciation he had for her and the joy she brought to him. It brought to mind her incredible beauty and dignity and grace, as well as her cold calculating political acumen, that he'd never been on the receiving end of, until now.
He pushed thoughts of her aside as he had many times while he'd been here, unwilling and unable to face them. It was all so interconnected and so painful, just thinking of her made him freeze up in fear of what was to come, of how he could possibly move forward with her, and how he could live without her.
He turned his mind to his current situation and whatever danger that had awoken him. A tingle from the force in the back of his mind had prompted him to wake up and he had to find out what had caused it.
He was still in the clearing where the Sith had fought him, lying exactly where he had been when he'd been defeated. For the first time he could see the destruction they'd caused in the forest, the animals he had never noticed which had died in the carnage and the trees overturned and of course the ground cratered in.
He noticed something else too, a Nexu crawling around his downed form, his nostrils sniffing the air and his mouth seeming to water at the sight of a meal.
Nexu's were fierce predators with wide jaws and sharp, pointed teeth. They were fast and deadly and this one could kill him in a second, especially in his current state. He was almost too feeble to stand up, let alone fight.
Yet none of that was what he thought of when he saw the Nexu, instead his mind was drawn back years ago to Geonosis when a Nexu had charged at Padme clawing its way up the pole and slashing at her back.
Beleaguered and Exhausted that he was, he remembered the scene and his chest began to heave with laughter. She'd swung from her chain and kicked the Nexu straight in the stomach, temporarily stunning and disabling it, he remembered, but his exhausted mind couldn't help but conjure an image of her swinging down, extending her legs and kicking the nexu square in the chest and then - hurtling it across space and time to stand right in front of him.
It was monumentally stupid and hilariously dumb, and yet it brought a smile to Anakin's face. His first one in almost two months.
The Nexu shied backwards, momentarily surprised and confused by his prey, but Anakin paid it no mind.
Its presence had brought him clarity that meditation and dreams had denied him. It brought back other memories of Geonosis, of her falling out of the gunship and him choosing not to jump after her, of Obi-Wan's words ('What would Padme do in your place?') and his own response. ('She would do her duty.')
And with it his anger at her fell away, and doubled into white hot fury, at himself. He was the one to blame.
He had never been worthy of her and his failure against Dooku had presented her with an impossible decision, to do her duty and what was in the best interests of the Republic or to protect her weak husband.
She'd chosen not to exchange him for Grievous, not because of some petty revenge or as some dark betrayal like he'd imagined and whispered to himself in cold dark nights, but because she genuinely believed that Grievous was more important to the Confederacy and the Separatists than Anakin was to the Republic. She'd chosen not to make the trade because he was weak.
In some ways it hurt even more and magnified the pain he felt towards her, but only because it confirmed his worst fears about himself. Deep down he knew he was weak, that he'd never live up the faith Qui-Gon and others had in him. He'd been born a slave and had failed to secure either his or his mother's freedom, he was the furthest thing from a woman who became Queen of an entire world on her own merits.
He'd failed to save his mother and then he'd failed against Dooku only days later, powerless to prevent the Sith Lord from cutting off his arm and hurting his master and friends, despite his promise to his mother's grave.
And now only days ago he'd failed to defeat the Sith master and end his evil plans and destructive wars once and for all. His whole life was marked by weakness.
That would end today.
He would never again be weak, certainly not weaker and more expendable than a coughing psychopathic cyborg. He'd make himself indispensable to the Republic, to her, and he'd earn her affection and become worthy of her.
Abruptly he turned his attention back to the Nexu as the force cried out that he was in danger. But he wasn't really, not anymore. The realization of the truth of his wife's choice had stripped away his fears and left him with burning resolve. It had lit a fire inside of him that no beast of the forest would be able to compare to.
As the beast pounced on him, he reached out with the force and suspended it in midair. For a moment he marveled at the helpless beast, it's jaws quivering with anger, its legs fighting for purchased where there was none to be found.
Briefly the words the Jedi grandmaster flittered across his mind, A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense. Never for attack.
He'd fought like a jedi yesterday against Sidious, and he'd also fought like something else, like a human being with real anger and fury, with emotions that could fuel him and strengthen him. But his emotions hadn't held him back, they hadn't pushed him into a mindless rage like on Tatooine or like Obi-Wan's had against Darth Maul. They'd given clarity to his attacks and given him purpose and a real fighting chance.
He'd been teetering on the edge of this revelation for a long time, unwilling or unable to see the truth, no matter how close it sat in front of him. He wasn't a very good jedi, he couldn't wish away his feelings and emotions, and to be honest he didn't want to. They made him who he was, and when he used them, he had incredible power inside of him.
It was time to stop running from that power, it was time to embrace it. He pushed away all thoughts of jedi morality from his mind. Darkside or Light, he knew who he was, he knew what mattered to him. His wife above all else, his master and his apprentice, his friend the Chancellor. It was time to stop pretending he was a model jedi, and to embrace who he really was.
With the power of the force he snapped the Nexu's neck and forced himself awkwardly to his feet.
When he made his way back to the crumbling fortress that had become his quarters and into the library he wasn't even surprised when he saw what was waiting for him.
Rows and rows of Sith Holocrons. He knew he was playing into his enemies' hands, that this was what the Sith wanted, he just didn't care. It was like his old joke with Obi-Wan, their first move whenever they saw a trap was to spring it.
Maybe the Sith thought he could use Anakin, he could unlock his power, feed him knowledge and mold him to his will, maybe he thought he could change Anakin's priorities, but whatever his reasons, he'd be in for a rude awakening. Anakin would use this power to defeat the Seperatists, to defeat the Sith, to bring peace to the Republic, and to make himself worthy of his wife. He would control and use this power, not allow some Sith to control and use him.
Settling himself at a desk he pulled out the first Holocron and opened it with the force. The memory crystal glowed as it sputtered on and a holographic face appeared and spoke,
'This is the holocron of Darth Bane, Dark Lord of the Sith …"