Author's note:

My first foray into writing for Chicago PD.

This is a character study of sorts following season 4 episode 13. There are also vague mentions of season 1 episode 10 as well as season 3 episode 7. If you noticed a common theme here, you are not wrong. I feel like the way Jay handled these particular cases hints that he himself might have firsthand experiences with abuse. I wanted to explore that thought a little bit deeper. This is by no means a rape story, but the warnings apply all the same and I strongly advise reader's discretion. Ratings and warnings are there for a reason.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the grammar and spelling mistakes. Italics are direct lines taken from the episode.

"She's kissing my cheek, and she's pulling at my belt."

The weight of the case was crushing him. Jay knew with certainty that he would crash and burn as soon as the case closed, knew from the very moment when Ellie had made her first advances on him in that padded room at Brady. The blatant, bold touch of her hand firmly pressed on his panted crotch had opened Pandora's box. For a brief second, he had felt frozen, swarmed by a sudden flood of unbidden memories and emotions. He had shaken himself out of the momentary stupor quick enough, years of being on the force and his military experience before that trained him to hide the innermost workings of his mind well. But the wave had come so unexpected that it shook him to the core and left him dreading the aftermath of this particular case.

It had taken all of his willpower to remain somewhat levelheaded throughout his undercover assignment and keep a professional façade. However, it became harder with each one of Ellie's approaches. "She's kissing my cheek, and she's pulling at my belt." That was the vague explanation Halstead gave them, but it was more than that. It was every wolfish thrust of her lips to a spot right next to the corner of his mouth, daring and hungry. It was every calculated stroke of her palm, dancing of her fingers south of his naval, intentionally brushing so dangerously close to his private parts as they skillfully unlatched the buckle of his belt. It was all of the above that caused the cracks in his carefully erected walls and it was only a matter of time until his façade crumbled altogether. He was way past the point of being objective and by the looks on both Voight's and Olinsky's faces, they were well aware of the fact too.

Yet, they left the choice up to him. Sure, they pushed his buttons, wanting to know how far he was willing to go and if he could handle the outcome, but Al also gave him an olive branch, reminding him that there was a simple out of the precarious situation. It would have been so easy to just call the operation and walk away. But giving up was not in Jay's vocabulary. He didn't quit. More importantly, he didn't break promises. He had promised Ellie that he could help her, and he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he broke that pledge, possibly leaving her and potentially a dozen other girls to fall victim to the same fate that Sam Wells had. No, he had to see this case through, all the way to the end. Even if it left him in shambles.

So, Jay went back in, ignoring every ounce of self-preservation, wracking his brain for options that didn't involve walking the fine line of the shady activities going on behind the closed doors of Brady. Instead he exhausted another angle, one that he had almost forgotten about looming darkness over his head, his constant companion ever since the investigation had reached a personal level for him. He remembered Ellie's mention of Los Angeles and bought her the desired train ticket, hoping for the best. He hoped that by doing so he wouldn't seal her fate and send her off into an equally uncertain future that likely wouldn't be much different from the reality she already lived in. He was a cop, knew the statistics, knew that troubled teenagers – wards of the state no less – rarely made it out of a life of misery and misfortune. But Jay hoped that Ellie would defy the odds if given the opportunity.

The chances were slim, but what was the alternative? Damaging an already damaged teenager even more by using – no, by all means abusing – the little amount of trust that he had built with her? In the worst imaginable way too, betraying not only her but himself in the process? Ultimately downplaying and vindicating the cruelty of forcing defenseless minors into solicitation by partaking in such a loathsome act just for the sake of gathering intel to solve a case? It wasn't a length he was ever willing to go to, ever. No case in the world justified that kind of inhumanity.

Halstead was overcome with nameless relief, when the offered ticket opened the necessary doors to move their investigation along. Ellie's statement gave them the break that they, particularly Jay, so desperately needed. However, it came with a price, opened a whole other assortment of problems as the twisting and turning of events sent Jay on yet another rollercoaster ride when Tonya directed the blame right back at Ellie. Up to that point, the detective had been convinced that Tonya was the one pulling the strings. But it was her word against Ellie's and with the evidence pointing increasingly towards the latter, it became a real possibility that the blond-haired girl had played him from the very beginning.

As Jay replayed every miniscule event leading up to this moment in his head, he couldn't help but wonder whether some of his own pain had seeped through during their first encounter back in that padded room, the slip of his mask allowing her to exploit his vulnerability. Were the circumstances any different, Jay wouldn't doubt himself for a second, would trust his instincts unwavering. But his judgement had been clouded from that very moment Ellie had made her first pass on him, and his actions had been fueled by his desperate need to help this girl get away from a situation that he himself hadn't been able to escape from all those years ago. Sure, his circumstances had been different, but abuse came in all shapes and forms. Whether it was forced solicitation or being molested, in the end it was all the same.

What unnerved him even more though was Tonya's accusation towards him. "Your cop was screwing her. Boy scout's heard one fricking tale while he's getting laid in a broom closet." Jay had almost lost it then, right in front of a manipulative seventeen-year-old and his boss. He probably would have hadn't Voight resolutely banned him from the interrogation room. The allegation sickened him, and while he knew they were the farthest from the truth, for a moment there he felt like scum. He was disgusted with himself, compared himself to dregs like Vince who abused their power to pleasure themselves. For a moment he had the misconception that he was just like him by sheer association, by playing the part whilst undercover.

It was the seeming lack of support from his coworkers, the way they all avoided eye contact with him in the bullpen as their case reached an impasse, that paralyzed him. The implications of that took his breath away and left a bitter taste in his mouth. Jay was terrified that his coworkers might actually believe what Tonya said. Self-doubt and insecurity took a hold of him, pulling him into a downward spiral.

"Stop. It's a pair of seventeen-year-old girls. They're not gonna play our investigation." He had never been more grateful for Voight's intervention, the gruff and no-nonsense exclamation coming just in time to stop any further explorations into whether or not the team had his back, and allowing him to pick up at least an ounce of dignity. Pushing his emotions to the back of his mind, Halstead forced himself to focus on facts and pick his brain for the missing puzzle piece. That's when his remembered room 113, the room Tonya had occupied without any reason to. He prayed that it would hold the answers they were looking for and ideally the prove that would attest to Ellie's innocence.

They were lucky. In the end, his instincts turned out to be spot on. Jay had been right to put his trust in Ellie and there had never been a valid reason for him to doubt himself. He was relieved, mostly for Ellie's sake, but even though she got closure, it did nothing to ease the detective's conscience of the immense guilt. The guilt of losing faith in her, even if he had only wavered for a split second. The guilt of not being able to give her the happy conclusion that she hoped for. But most of all it was the crushing guilt that he hadn't been able to shield her from the brutal happenings at Brady, a place that was supposed to protect her, not endanger her. It was irrational, misplaced guilt, he was well aware of that, yet he couldn't help but carry that weight on his shoulders. "I'm sorry." – "Thank you." And he couldn't for the life of him understand why she would thank him, when it was so apparent to him that he had failed her.

Ultimately, the guilt made him stay with Ellie as she waited for her new foster parents. According to DCFS it would be a few hours until the Melnicks would pick her up at the 21st district. Jay felt it was his duty to make sure that she wasn't alone in the meantime. As a ward of the state, being alone was something Ellie must have been accustomed to, but she shouldn't have to face this new chapter of her life on her own and he would make sure that she knew that. This was his official explanation to everyone who stumbled into the breakroom where he had accommodated the teenager for the duration of the wait. In reality, it was also an avoidance strategy, a way to postpone the inevitable. With all the suppressed memories a breakdown was guaranteed, but not in front of people. Never in front of people. He'd had years of practice of holding himself together long enough to put a safe distance between himself and any potential witnesses.

At this point, he had kept himself together long enough for the beast to nestle and tie his insides into a Gordian knot. The knot grew ever tighter as Ellie revealed details and secrets about her life before and at Brady. Details that would be etched into his mind forever and were promised to induce nightmares later. Details that pried open the lid of the box that held all of his own secrets and memories. Crime scene photos of Ben Corson, who was raped and eventually killed by Lonnie Rodiger. Witness statements of Ethan Jones, recounting what the swim coach had done to him and his friend Collin. Faces of corpses of women and children mostly that were ravished and left to die in the desert in Afghanistan. But the clearest images were those that he had not just seen or heard of, but actually lived in.

Jay shook his head to rid himself from those. Not here. Not now. He closed his eyes, swallowed the bile rising at the back of his throat, all the while clenching his trembling hands into fists under the table. If Ellie noticed something off about him, she would probably put it down to him reacting to the appalling stories that she told him. After all she had no reason to suspect that he was reliving his own personal hell and he preferred to keep it that way. Instead, he kept listening to her, offering empathy without making it seem like pity and comfort where it was appropriate, remaining a silent yet solid presence right next to her the whole time.

Miraculously, he managed to keep the box sealed throughout the whole three-hour wait and even through another half hour of going through the paperwork of releasing Ellie into the care of the Melnicks. Jay couldn't help but conduct his own version of an aptitude check of the couple, needing to make sure that the girl would be well cared for. They had a nice house in Libertyville, right near Minear Lake, a nice neighborhood that would offer peace and quiet from the hectic life Ellie was used to. More importantly though, they seemed compassionate and understanding enough of her situation. They could have bragged about successfully bringing up troubled kids before but were humble about it. Their experienced eased some of Halstead's anxiety. He couldn't find anything wrong with them and Ellie seemed to take a liking to them.

So, Jay sent her on her way to a life with a more optimistic outlook with a wave of his hand and a business card with his phone number on it, in case she ever felt the need to contact him. It wasn't completely unexpected, but he was surprised nonetheless when she moved in to hug him goodbye. There was nothing sexual about the embrace like all of her previous advances, just a way to say show her gratitude for everything that he had done for her, so after a moment of hesitation he gently wrapped his arms around her, moving away shortly after when the emotions threatened to overwhelm him. He gave her what he hoped to be a reassuring smile and let her go. "Take care, Ellie."

By the time he returned to the bullpen to gather his belongings it was close to ten at night and the team had long since left the premises. He glanced around and his gaze rested on the whiteboard, crime scene photos, notes and Sam's and Ellie's portraits staring back at him. The eerie silence that was so uncommon for this place was tearing at his walls, allowed his façade to finally crumble. He raised his hand to pick up Sam's snapshot and it was enough for the first agonizing sob to crawl up his esophagus. It was on the verge of leaving his throat, when Jay heard the buzz of the gate downstairs, followed by the unmistakable determined footsteps of his boss. Jay silently cursed the man for disrupting his impending meltdown as he built up the walls once more, straightening his back, willing the leaflike shaking of his whole body to stop and taking deep, grounding breaths.

There was the tiniest hint of hesitation in Voight's steps as he caught sight of his detective, but he didn't seem too surprised to still see him standing in the middle of the spacious room. "Halstead," he acknowledged him with a single nod and strode confidently towards his office, noting the time with a glimpse at the clock on the wall. "It's late. Go home," he added as an afterthought, his forehead knitted in the slightest hint of a frown. Not trusting himself to speak with the lump of emotions simmering right beneath the surface, Jay merely answered with a nod if his own. He swiftly moved to his desk and grabbed his jacket and keys, needing to get out of the scrutiny of his sergeant before it all came crashing down on him. He made it as far as Atwater's desk before Voight addressed him once more.

"Halstead." The detective slowed. "Jay." The use of his first name startled him enough to halt his steps, but the softer tone of voice made him turn halfway, just enough to meet Voight's piercing gaze, noticing that it showed a rare emotion that he couldn't quite pinpoint. Whatever it was, it made him nervous and he grew antsier with every second that went by without Hank saying anything. He desperately needed to get out of here, needed privacy to finally let go of this twisting Gordian knot inside of him. He tried to communicate his need to be left alone with anguished eyes without giving too much away.

His sergeant held his gaze, unwavering but there was a flicker of emotion and this time he recognized it as one of concern and sadness. He couldn't stand it, but before he could avert his eyes, Voight spoke. Apparently, he understood what Jay had tried to say. "This was a delicate case and for a moment I was worried you wouldn't be able to get the job done, but you handled it well." Jay frowned and shook his head, obviously not agreeing with what he said. "Whatever demons this case brought back for you," the detective winced, "I'm proud that you didn't let them consume you." Jay silently swore as tears pricked at the back of his eyes. "Don't let them consume you."

His vision became blurry now, so Jay tilted his head down to the ground and away, hiding the anguished expression on his face. He bit his lips, blinking back the tears before meeting his boss's eyes for a brief second to convey his gratitude without so much as uttering a word. Hank seemed to get the message. They exchanged another nod before the older of the two turned on his heels and walked into his office, allowing the younger to make a silent departure.

Without another glance back he stumbled down the stairs and retreated to the relative safety of the locker room, the only place in the old building that had seen his tears before. Those four walls wouldn't judge him for showing his weaknesses, wouldn't judge him for the uncontrolled sobs, the anguished cries. So, this was where he let himself fall apart as the images from earlier now clear as day before his inner eye. He felt the ghost of rough hands groping at a teenage version of himself, could smell the foul breath in his nostrils every time his mouth became intimate with his face. He felt the tickle of a man's hot breath all over his body, eliciting goosebumps of terror. He could hear the husky voice as the man whispered sick compliments into his ear as he took advantage of the lonely, scared, and powerless boy that was Jay Halstead some fifteen, sixteen years ago.

He wept hysterically as he fell apart, let the beast of his past have its way with him, waiting for the images to fog over and his emotions to calm. Only then would he allow himself to stand up and step out of the comfort of the locker room, returning to his and Erin's shared apartment. He would snuggle up in bed behind her, nestling his chin on her shoulder and pulling her as close as possible. And tomorrow he would carry on with his life, be his confident and stoic self, keep up the pretense for everyone around him. But for now, he would stay here, would bawl until the last tear had dried and his breathing had stopped hitching before safely putting the beast back where it belonged: in a box at the very back of his mind, never to be revealed to another living soul. These were his secrets, memories of a past life, and he would take them to his grave.

Author's Note 2:

Okay, I guess this is it, my first Chicago PD fanfiction. I'm not entirely happy with how the ending turned out. It feels a bit rushed to me, but I didn't want to drag it out too much. I kept the dialogue to a minimum as I'm still trying to find the character's voices and also because, as I mentioned earlier, this is supposed to be a character study. I put in that little interaction between Jay and Voight at the end there, because I feel like for all their differences and butting heads there is a deep respect and understanding between those two.

Anyways, let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.