I managed to end up at the bar. I probably should have been hightailing it out of here like a bat outta hell but my head wasn't in the right place. I can't believe I had almost had sex with Jax. The bad part is, its what I really wanted. I could blame it on being lost in the moment but I knew that I wanted him in a way I had never imagined. The ache in my body was still screaming that it needed release. Kissing him, touching him, hell him touching me, was a high I never could have imagined. His lips, his hands oh my god I couldn't concentrate. I definitely need to think about something else because if this ache in my body didn't go away I knew i would be right back in his bedroom. And right now shit was complicated enough without me going in there. If the "almost sex" wasn't bad enough, the conversation afterwards was even more confusing. He practically admitted he had feelings but in that same sentence he told me he didn't think he could be what I needed. It was almost as if he was saying that he didn't deserve me. I shook my head. That confused me so much. Jax is one of the best people I have ever known. He's kind, caring and selfless. He's always gone above and beyond for me so why would us being together be any different? Woah am I really trying to justify being with Jax right now? If he didn't want to be with me thats fine. He doesn't have to make excuses. I'm turning over a new leaf, either old lady or nothing. Does that sound harsh? I've spent so many years waiting to be noticed I think I deserve that one and only title. Man I'm in my head deep. Maybe I should leave. If I were to leave, where would I go? I can't go home and risk my mom seeing my face. I can't go back in there with Jax because yeah the last thing I needed was to be in a room alone with him my body sent me a surging reminder. Maybe I could go find Opie? That's an idea! Wait I have a big flashing practically neon mark on my neck that I would have to explain. For some reason I don't see Opie being as great about me rambling about another guy as Jax was. God why did he have to get crazy on me? I could really use his advice right now. I placed my head in my hand and concentrated on the bar top. When is it going to become clear what I'm supposed to be doing with my life? I really needed guidance. I wish I just had someone I could talk to. Hmmm a little light bulb went off above my head. Maybe I did.
"Hey Gem," I heard the bartender say. Shit! I had forgot about needing to avoid Gemma too. I pretended to be oblivious as she sat on the stool next to me. She ordered herself a drink but hadn't said a word to me yet. Oh I could imagine the smug look on her face. She mus feel like she won, given our conversation in the office a few days ago. I didn't lie the other day. I did appreciate her saying I would be good for her son. Its such a hard thing for Gemma, i mean the idea of letting Jax go so the fact that she'd be okay with that did make me happy. Honestly I never ever would have imagined that things could go in that direction with Jax and me; if he hadn't switched things up they probably never would have. I can't take any of that back and to be honest right now I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I sighed. I could try to plead my case but she's Gemma I know she doesn't want to hear it. She's got her own opinion on what she walked in on and I wasn't gonna change that with anything I said.
"So this thing with Ope, its thrown you for a loop?" I looked up from the bar top and at her. So much for pretending to be oblivious. I shrugged my shoulders. That was an odd question to start with though.
"Why do you say that?" She threw back her drink and then proceeded to grab a cigarette out of her purse. She motioned the pack to me and I shook my head. My mom would have a fit if I picked up smoking...and probably a bigger fit if she knew I was drinking jager as my drink of choice. My mom's not a real hard ass she just wants me to turn out alright which i understood. Honestly thats all I wanted too. I need to look into finding a job somewhere. Shit as much as I'm here they should hire me. I smiled to myself. Maybe that's an idea.
"Well you were in my office saying you didn't have feelings for my son and today I walk in on you two practically naked." I looked down at my hands. She was right there was no denying that.I wasn't sure of what to say so instead I said nothing, which probably was a bigger mistake.
"Don't drag my son's heart into that shit if you're not serious. He loves you, ya know. The last thing he needs is another broken heart after that bitch walked out on him." I sat there dumbfounded. Was I dragging him through the ringer because of how I felt about Opie? Was I?! My eyes watered up and I found myself leaning into Gemma as I bawled my eyes out and I unleashed everything from how much its killed me that Opie doesn't notice me to how confused I was over Jax.
"I don't want to hurt him Gemma. I care about him way too much for all of that. Is that what I'm doing, hurting him? You have to tell me I have no one e!se to talk to about this. Opie wouldn't understand and I can't talk to Jax about it. I think part of me actually wants to be with him and that scares me more than Opie getting married."
"Who do you want to be with?" Jax asked. I turned around and half of the club was there: Clay, Opie, Jax, Tig and Happy.
"And why does me getting married scare you?" Opie decided to put his two cents in. I turned and looked at Gemma who was getting off of her stool with a smile on her face. Did she just set me up? Really? The person I looked to as my second mother had just let me hang myself.
"I think you know your answer honey you just don't want to admit it." With that she walked away from the bar, leaving me by myself to fend off the wolves.