"I'm really glad we could all get together like this," said Tim Drake, smiling at the people gathered in the living room of Wayne Manor. "Thanks to Dick for coming all the way from Blüdhaven, and to Bruce, of course. I know how difficult this must be for you especially…"
"Stop patronizing me and get to the point," muttered Bruce, as he sat with his arms folded across his chest. "You said this was important."
"Which I'm guessing means it's not," said Joker, who sat next to him in a similar attitude. Only Bruce could see and hear him, which was a good thing as Joker added, "Kids today don't know what's important – they're probably going to show us a new app, or dance craze, or talk about their feelings as if anyone cares."
"It is important," said Tim, nodding. "Barb and I have…a very special announcement to make."
"Champagne, everyone?" asked Alfred, entering the room at that moment carrying a tray of glasses.
"None for me, Alfred, I'm driving back to Blüdhaven tonight," said Dick Grayson. "You don't want to stay in Gotham after dark these days, so I hear."
"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Barbara Gordon. "Are you saying Tim and I aren't doing a good job protecting this city?"
"It was just a joke," said Dick, shrugging. "Calm down."
"Instead of making snide jokes, you could maybe think about coming over here to help us once in a while if you think crime in Gotham is so bad," retorted Barbara.
"I've got my hands full with Blüdhaven," retorted Dick. "Anyway, why are you taking this so personally? You're not solely responsible for crime in Gotham, and neither is Tim. I was just saying there's a lot of it, that's all, but that was true even when Bruce was working. I'm not saying you've done a worse job than he did."
"Although you have," chimed in Joker. "And he is saying that. Every joke has a kernel of truth, you know."
"Barb, let it go," said Tim, putting an arm around her. "You shouldn't get worked up in your condition."
"Tim, it's fine," said Barbara. "I won't be treated like I'm made of glass just because I'm going through this."
"Oooh, she's dying of a rare cancer!" exclaimed Joker, happily. "First I shoot her through the spine, and now this! Hilarious!"
"Shut up," snapped Bruce, forgetting for a moment that nobody else could hear Joker.
"Don't tell me to shut up, Bruce," snapped Barbara. "I know you've been through a lot, and I don't know what's going on with you now, but you can be civil to your colleagues."
"No, Barbara, I wasn't talking to you," said Bruce.
"Who were you talking to then?" she asked.
"No one," said Bruce, glaring at Joker, who just smiled at him.
"Well, hopefully our announcement will thaw the frosty atmosphere," said Tim, holding up a glass of champagne. "Barbara's pregnant."
"Congratulations, Master Tim and Miss Barbara!" said Alfred, beaming at them. "What wonderful news!"
"We've been trying for a while," said Barbara. "So it's a relief more than anything. I told Tim I wasn't sure I wanted to announce it in case something goes wrong, but he was too excited not to. I think I'm just afraid of jinxing it now that it's finally happened."
"Ugh, now there's an image I didn't want," said Joker, making a face. "Bird Boy not being able to fill the nest, as it were. It's probably all those times I fought dirty by kicking him in the crotch. You know, despite all the times your knee collided with my genital area, Bats, I still got Harley pregnant on the first try. I think Joker sperm must be particularly potent…"
"Stop talking about your sperm!" hissed Bruce.
"Well…I wasn't specifically," said Tim, slowly. "I mean, we don't know why it's been a struggle to conceive. Barb says it might even be stress-related, but I'm just grateful it's finally happened. And I'm extra paranoid about her taking care of herself."
"Which isn't helpful to anyone," said Barbara, smiling at him. "Anyway, we wanted to tell our adopted family first – we're telling Dad tomorrow night. You should come, Bruce. Wouldn't you like to see Dad again?"
"It doesn't matter what I'd like," retorted Bruce. "Anyway, he'd think it was weird for me to be there at a private, family announcement. He doesn't know I'm Batman, and he doesn't know you're Oracle or Robin."
"Because he's obviously a blind moron," said Joker. "And a pretty crap detective, if he can't figure out what's right in front of his eyes. No wonder there's so much crime in this town – the Police Commissioner is so dense, he wouldn't be able to ID a suspect if they just put on a not very convincing mask. Every criminal in this town should just go around murdering people in a hat and glasses, and then remove them when they're arrested. Gordon sure as hell wouldn't recognize them."
Bruce glared at Joker, and then turned his attention back to Barbara and Tim, who were both staring at him, shocked.
"What did you say about my dad?" gasped Barbara.
"I didn't say anything!" snapped Bruce.
"Bruce, we just heard you," said Tim. "You called him a blind moron."
"No, I didn't!" exclaimed Bruce. "That wasn't me, that was…"
He trailed off, pointing at Joker, who just smiled at him, giggling mischievously.
"That was what?" demanded Barbara.
"Bruce, what the hell is going on with you?" demanded Tim. "If you need to see a shrink, I'm sure we can arrange it…"
"A shrink can't help me!" shouted Bruce. "Nobody can help me! It's not in my mind, it…well, it is in my mind…you wouldn't understand, nobody would understand! I'm sorry I'm saying things that seem crazy and out of character, but...I can't explain it to you without sounding like a lunatic, because that's what I am, or at least becoming, I…I'm sorry for ruining your announcement," he said, standing up suddenly and storming out of the room, despite pleas for him to come back.
"Well, guess it's just you and me now, kiddo," said Joker, as Bruce entered his room and shut the door again. "That's how I prefer things anyway – no offense to you, but your little Bat-family are a bunch of losers. We shouldn't waste time on whiners like that, except to kill them, of course. And murdering 'em is one of the first things I'm gonna do when I gain control of your body – shame Oracle won't live to become a mother, but it's probably for the best. With those two self-righteous freaks as parents, the kid is bound to turn out the same way, so it's a mercy it won't ever be born, really…"
A knock came on the door. "Oh, tell 'em to get lost," sighed Joker. "We've heard enough from the peanut gallery today."
Bruce ignored him, opening the door to Alfred. "May I come in, sir?" asked Alfred.
"Aw, Alfred, sweet, loyal Alfred, you're always welcome!" said Joker, beaming, as Bruce nodded, holding open the door. "Always there for me, always supportive of anything I choose to do, no matter how crazy…"
"I want you to tell me what's wrong, sir," said Alfred, gently but firmly. "You owe me that, after all our years together. I understand you wanting to save face in front of the younger members of our family – no parent likes to appear weak in front of their children. But children should be allowed to feel weak in front of their parents, and their parents should always be there to comfort them. I know I'm no substitute for your real father, sir, but I like to think I've always supported you and cared for you. I'd like to think if you could talk to anyone, it would be me."
"Well, that's some way to speak to your boss, I must say," sniffed Joker. "Don't let the staff push you around, Brucie – tell him to get back to the kitchen and focus on dinner. That's where he belongs – he's your servant, and he has nothing to do with your personal life."
"You wouldn't believe me, Alfred," murmured Bruce. "You…couldn't believe me. I know it's true, but even I don't believe it."
"I will always believe you, sir," said Alfred. "And I will always listen to you, and trust you. You know that."
"No, don't do this, Bruce," said Joker, as Bruce nodded slowly. "It won't end well, I'm warning you…"
"I...have a disease," said Bruce. "It's a form of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, but mutated beyond anything on medical record. Joker infected me with his blood back in Arkham City, and it's gestated in my body for fifteen years, and now…now he's taking me over. I'm turning into Joker. I see him all the time – I'm hallucinating him standing next to you right now, speaking to me. And sometimes he manages to speak for me – like what I said about Gordon, that wasn't me. I heard Joker saying that, but somehow he made me say it. I'm completely losing my grip on reality and…on myself. It won't be long before he'll be able to control me completely, and make me do horrible things that I would never, ever do as myself. But I'm not myself anymore, and I don't know how long I can hold him back. I know what I have to do – I know I have to kill myself to stop Joker. But I don't think he'll let me do that. I think it might already be too late for that. I could lock myself up somewhere, but he would always find a way to break out, just like he always did. I can't fight him anymore, and I can't live with the knowledge that he's going to win at last. That was always his dream – to make me as bad as he was, a villain, and a murderer. And it's happening. That's why I don't feel guilt for what I've done anymore, because a villain doesn't feel guilt. And that's why someday soon, he'll make me murder an innocent person with my own two hands."
Alfred said nothing, studying him closely. Bruce's heart beat loudly at finally voicing what was happening to him, fearing how Alfred would react. But he also felt instantly relieved at being able to share his burden at last, despite Joker whistling loudly to distract him.
"Sir…if what you say is true, and I believe it is, we do need to let the others know," said Alfred, quietly. "They deserve to know the truth about what's going on with you, especially if their lives could be put in danger by you. And then after that, we will go somewhere alone, just the two of us. And, with your permission, I will do what must be done to stop this nightmare from coming true."
Bruce stared at him. "You're saying…you'll kill me?" he whispered.
"If you want me to, sir," said Alfred, nodding slowly. "If your situation is as hopeless as you claim, it will be an act of mercy, to die while still yourself. I would be honored to make that sacrifice for you."
"I can't ask you to do it, Alfred…" began Bruce.
"You must allow me to serve you, sir," interrupted Alfred. "And I will, in whatever way I can. Until the end."
He put his hand on his shoulder and smiled sadly at him. Bruce let out a sob, hugging Alfred tightly as he felt tears of gratitude come to his eyes.
"Yeah, I'd like to see him try," said Joker's voice, intruding on the moment. "Nobody can kill Batman, certainly not some old butler guy. Sure, he was in the army, but that was like sixty years ago. He's not so tough now, and I reckon the two of us can take him. We are the Dynamic Duo, after all."
Bruce shut his eyes, trying to drown out Joker's words and find comfort in the warm, safe embrace of his father figure.
"Are you ready to tell them, sir?" asked Alfred at last.
Bruce nodded slowly, following Alfred out of his room and back to the living room. Tim, Barbara, and Dick were all seated on the sofa, watching the news.
"No, don't get up," said Bruce, as Tim and Dick stood up to face him.
"Impossible for some of you anyway," voiced Joker, nodding at Barbara.
"I have something I need to tell you all about why I'm acting the way I am," said Bruce. "That's not to excuse my behavior, but I think it will explain it…"
"This just in, there has been an apparent attack on Pauli's Diner on Miagani Island," said Vicki Vale on the TV, adjusting her earpiece as the screen flashed the headline Breaking News. "The site is still in chaos, but eyewitnesses have seen people screaming and violently attacking each other without any obvious provocation. We don't know at this point if this is some sort of chemical attack, or who is responsible for it…"
The TV suddenly flickered and then switched to a black screen, a black screen which then projected a hooded and cloaked figure. "This demonstration used just five ounces of my latest toxin," said a raspy, deep voice. "Tomorrow, this will seem like child's play. Gotham, this is your only warning."
The screen faded to black, with the word Run left on it.
"Hold that thought, Brucie!" chuckled Joker, as everyone else in the room stared in horror at the TV. "As the kids say, the feces just hit the fan!"