I couldn't help but smile at how happy I am right now. Everything, minus my relationship with Jax, couldn't be going any better. Honestly even he seemed to be trying to make amends, though I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive him. Its pretty funny that Opie of all people told me to forgive him on my own time despite everyone rushing me to let Jax back in. It goes to show that Ope is just as much my best friend as he was Jax's. If this had happened a year ago, I would have rushed and forgave him without a second thought. Him and I had always been attached at the hip to which a lot of people cracked jokes but Jackson was literally my other half. We did mostly everything together and it used to literally pain me to be away from him. Shit maybe I had feelings for him all along and I never realized it. I still can't believe how much he went out of his way to try to hurt me. Everything he did he said was to protect me but in all actuality he knew that I would have been there through whatever for him. Funny how losing Tara changed him I hardly feel like I know him anymore. Listening to him today made me realize that I did in fact misread the feelings everyone said he had for me. In a way I feel bad because I was so blinded by my love for Opie that I didn't realize that my other best friend was crazy about me. Then again, if he had said something earlier maybe things would have been different. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with how things turned out. I wouldn't change it for anything. I've grown up so much in these past few months thanks to losing my so called other half. I'm happy with the person I see in the mirror. Despite feeling like my heart was ripped in two by both of my best friends, it was an experience that I would do again. I'd go through it all because without this happening I never would have had this relationship with Josh.
I smiled to myself. I had a wonderful boyfriend whom surprisingly I didn't worry about flirting or cheating on me. It's weird because I've always been an overworrier so you would think it would be forefront of my mind but him cheating never is. I never worry that he's chosen some "company" for the night because nine times out of ten he goes to sleep with me on the phone. Some might think I'm being stupid but I'm not. I've got confidence that he knows that what we have is more than worth whatever they're offering. The way he spends any time he can with me shows that I mean something to him which that alone warmed my heart and caused me to smile.
It used to bother me when Jax or Ope didn't answer their phones even though neither of them were mine. I constantly thought that something bad happened. To be honest there were even time I was worried about the "company" they were keeping because in Jax's case, I wanted him to be safe. In Opie's case, in my young head, he wasn't supposed to be with anyone but me. But when Josh doesn't answer his phone I know that he absolutely can't. Hell he's picked up his phone before to tell me he couldn't talk. I love that about him. I love that he puts me before all. He eases my mind when he knows something bothers me. Even though I said long distance relationships don't work for me, we were killing it. He called and texted constantly and he was already the favorite part of my day. I stole a glance at him and I felt my heart speed up. He was in conversation with my mom but he gave me a smile and a wink that sent heat throughout my body. I felt the blush creep up my cheeks but I looked back down at my plate to hide the color that filled my face. He brings out the best in me and I hope he thinks the same thing about me. I never thought I could be this happy.
I looked around at the tables that were filled mostly with samcro family and friends. Surprisingly a lot of the faces I didn't recognize but there were other charters here so that's no surprise. I caught Donna's gaze and she gave me a heart warming smile that I couldn't help but return. I'm glad that I could succeed in making this one of the happiest days of her life. It's definitely up there as one of the happiest days of mine...also the most stressful but I doubt that I will remember that when I look back at this day. At least if I do remember the stress I can look back and laugh at this moment. Hell maybe I will be married with children of my own telling them about this day. She raised her glass of what I imagine is apple juice since she's pregnant and I raise my can of Dr. Pepper in salute back to her. She shook her head chuckling at I'm guessing my choice of drink. I looked over at Ope and he had his arm draped over the back of Donna's chair, laughing at something someone at the table said. My heart no longer squeezed or sped up when I looked at Opie and I was thankful for that. To me, that meant that I had finally moved on. I squeezed Josh's hand again, silently saying a prayer that this never ends.
I ate silently as my mom and Josh bantered back and forth and I knew this was how things should be. I finally knew happiness in a way that I could have never imagined. Josh squeezed my hand and it brought me out of my thoughts. I gave him what I assumed was an awesome smile. He returned my smile and it made my heart skip a beat. I loved how he smiled as if he had never seen a bad thing in his life.
He looked like he was about to say something when a small group of three guys walked over to our table. Anything he had to say was drowned out by the guy in front practically spitting out his drink. Josh jumped up and did a once over to make sure no beer landed on him. That caused me to be smile because the way he was acting it was like he was wearing a $700 suit when in fact all of samcro minus Jax and Opie we're in their jeans and leather. Josh looked at the dude that spit his beer out with a puzzled expression.
"You okay Lee? I know my girlfriend is pretty and all but you don't have to spit your beer out. She's taken." Josh chuckled and stood to pull him into a hug that Lee didn't return. His gaze was locked on my mother. Josh pulled away from him and noticed how hard Lee was staring, meanwhile my mother was blushing hardcore and staring at her plate. Lee finally broke the silence.
"Jo?" She stood up and walked closer to him and gave him a warm smile.
"It's been a long time Lee." What the fuck is going on? He pulled her into a hug and he seemed to be breathing her in.
"You still smell like vanilla, honey and sandalwood." My mother visibly blushed and Josh and I exchanged a confused look. I'm so confused right now. How did my mother know his charters president? It's not like she attends any of the parties? Its also not like he lives super close enough that she would have seen him at the grocery store either. I looked between the two of them, obviously confusion on my face.
"I'm surprised you remember that. It's been so long since we have seen each other." She smiled so warmly at him I know they had to have had something at some point. But when? My mother never dated since my scum bag dad left.
"I couldn't forget it if I tried Jo. The smell of you has been locked into my memory for about ten years now." Ten years? I'm 18 so that puts the timeline at a year after we moved to Charming. What the hell? That was also around the time that the situation with Trent happened. I look to Josh for some kind of idea as to what was going on between them. He gives me a small shrug then he clears his throat rather loudly. I think it was to announce our presence.
"I wasn't aware you knew Faith's mother Lee." Lee looked down at his feet and shuffled them nervously.
"Yeah it was a long time ago. I've talked to you somewhat about her. It was a really long time ago. Time hasn't changed you at all sweetheart." Mom blushed again then concentrated on some non existent thing on her dress.
"You mean she's 'the Jo'?!" My boyfriend obviously looked freaked out. Lee looked away from us. My mother looked around, pretending to be oblivious to the men's conversation about her being special. I know that I've never seen Lee apart from seeing him at Samcro gatherings but even then no memories really stand out about him. Lee shook his head as if he was trying to get his head clear.
"Anyway, sorry for stalling. Let's get the introduction going. Hello, pretty lady. I'm Lee, if you haven't caught it by now," he said with a smirk. " You must be Faith. Josh wasn't joking you really are a looker." I felt a blush creep up on my cheeks. I couldn't help but blush at the thought that he must talk about me a lot for Lee to know my name and that I'm pretty. I gave him a small smile as Josh pulled me closer to his side. How cute he's acting predatory. I held my hand out for him to shake.
"It's very nice to meet you. I've heard so many good things about you." He shifts his gaze back to my mother and his features visibly soften. Im guessing that he's wondering if any of the good things came from her. Meanwhile I'm racking my brain to try to remember any conversation between my mother and this man in front of me. I've never seen her with a man ever so especially a biker seems kind of odd. They know each other even if they just had sex, they knew each other. Hell the man knows how my mother smells as if that's not weird The guy to Lee's left placed a hand on his shoulder, which I imagined was for comfort. Lee cleared his throat and returned his gaze to me
"These knuckleheads are Dawg and Donut. I was trying to come over without them but they wanted to see what girl has our VP by the balls." I found myself blushing and leaning into him. Now that sounds more like a bunch of bikers, I smiled at that thought.
"I'm gonna take that as a compliment," I said with a smile. " Its really nice to meet you all. I feel like I'm meeting your family Josh." He shrugged and brought my hand up to kiss it.
"You are. These guys are the most family I've ever had, well I guess I should have said the most male family I've had. I see my mom and sisters once a week but I see these assholes more." He said with a laugh. Lee placed a hand on Josh's shoulder.
"You got a minute son?" Josh nodded and picked his beer up off of the table. He leaned in and kissed my cheek.
"I'll be back sunshine." Lee and his men walked away. They walked towards the door but didn't quite make it out of it when I seen Josh throw his hands up. Lee shook his head obviously trying to explain something. I wasn't able to watch them anymore because my mother let out a sigh that brought my attention to her.
Mom started fanning her face and she sat down. I sat next to her and placed my hand on hers. She gave me a squeeze and her eyes started trailing where the guys walked to. The tears slowly ran down her face. Oh boy it was more than sex, she's crying.
"Mom what happened?" She pulled my head into her chest as of I was the one crying. I let her cuddle me and pat my back. I knew it was more to comfort her than to comfort me. Wow it must be something big to still effect her ten years later.
"Don't be mad at me for never telling you Faith. You were young so we couldn't talk like we do now. Honestly, I thought about telling you as you got older because deep down I always regretted the choice I made. Seriously it started to slip off my tongue so many times, especially since you met Josh and I found out he was from the same charter. I've caught myself almost asking if Lee was still there but I think I was afraid of what you would think of me. I met Lee at a party Gemma talked me into going. I felt him staring at me all night but I was a single mother with a child so I definitely wasn't trying to flirt with him. I was there to drink a little and let loose. It took him half of the night but he finally came over. We talked for the rest of the night and then we parted without so much as an exchange of numbers or a good night kiss ." I pulled out of her arms to look at her. I knew there was more because their exchange was definitely intimate. I sat in silence for a few minutes but when she didn't add on, I asked.
"There's more to this story mom." She nodded and wiped her nose on a napkin.
"Yeah there's more. He showed up at the hospital the next day when I was working, faking an injury to talk to me. " I actually laughed
"Wow mom you stone cold fox. This man had no idea that he would even get you for a nurse but he tried anyway." She laughed and nodded.
"Lee was persistent and always got what he wanted. So he set his sights on me. I resisted at first but eventually he wore me down and I gave him my number. After that we started talking once a day and that escalated to whenever we weren't busy. You were constantly with one of your friends or outside so you never caught on. We dated for 6 months, obviously this was before he was president. He would ride down every Friday afternoon and we would spend the weekend together. I was crazy about him. " I brushed the stray curls from moms face. That's when I looked at her. I mean really looked at her. Despite being in her 40's, mom looked good. She hardly had any wrinkles and she was very fit. I honestly think she could fit into my clothes if she wanted but they're not her style...anymore anyway. Her Jade green eyes which usually sparkled, were sad.
"So what happened mom? If you guys were so crazy about each other why did it end?" She stared off in the direction that the Samtac guys were standing. As if some magical force was tugging at them, Lee turned and caught her gaze.
"He wanted us to move to Washington. He wanted to make me his old lady and move in with him. I wanted to Faith, believe me. Lee set me on fire when he looked at me and I felt loved and sexy in a way that I had never felt before even with your dad. We would have had to stay in the clubhouse for a few months but his goal was to save up for a house." I felt my own eyes watering at her words. What in the world would have kept her from running to Washington with him? She was in love with him even if she didn't come out and say it I could tell from her words. What would have kept her from what was arguably the great love of her life? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...me.
"You didn't go because of me ..." I didn't ask because I knew in my gut that was the reason. She turned to look at me and tears brimmed her eyes.
"I couldn't raise an eight year old in a clubhouse. Not only that, the situation with Trent had happened not that long ago and I didn't want to risk putting you in a similar position. I couldn't uproot your life when I was finally getting my happy go lucky daughter back. You may not remember but after Trent tried to rape you," she cut off as she choked back a sob. " Sorry sweetheart it still bothers me. You got really depressed. No matter what I did, my daughter that used to laugh and smile was gone. She was replaced with one that always looked sad or stared out the window. It wasnt until Jackson and Harry started coming around to hang out that I heard you laugh again. I cried in the bathroom when I heard it. It was around that time you decided that you didn't want to be called Luanne anymore. I think you were trying to reinvent yourself to forget about what happened." The tears were free falling now. I grabbed my mom and hugged her as tight as I could. This woman has given up her whole life for me and I take it for granted way too much.
"Lee understood why I couldn't come. At the same time it put a big damper on our relationship. He finally asked me if I ever seen myself moving out there and I told him I wasn't sure. We broke up three days after that. I never seen anyone after him because I didn't want to put them through the hurt that I put on him. I'm not going to lie to you Faith, there are times I prayed he would come back but I knew the end result would be the same. I couldn't make you leave Charming. Jax and Opie were so important to you. There were times I swore I saw him outside of my work or even picking you up from the clubhouse once but when I looked again he was gone. I think it was just wishful thinking." My own tears ran down my face as I pulled her into a hug. They say parenting is a selfless job but I doubt they're are very many parents would give up their own happiness at the stake of their child's happiness. I admired my mother so much more now.
"Thank you mom. For all you sacrificed for me. Thank you for loving me so much and always putting me first. You are the best person I could know. I pray to God that I'm half the woman and mother you are. You're my hero mom." She pulled away from me wiping her eyes.
"You're really trying to make me cry tonight huh? I need to go get a drink stronger than a pop. You going to be okay sweetheart?" I nodded and waved her off. She gave me a small smile then took a deep breath and held her shoulders back and I could see her pulling herself back together even if it was for nothing else but appearances. My mother was the biggest badass I know.
My eyes shifted back towards the door but the Samtac guys were no longer there. I think I need to get some fresh air to get some clairity.
As soon as the cool air hit my face, I let out an exhale. I could smell the rain coming, which I was glad for because we have had such a drought as of late. I need to move somewhere that rains more often. Maybe the Midwest. I've always loved the rain for as long as I could remember. It calms and soothes me in a way that I can't describe. I'm thankful because this is exactly what I needed at this point. I sat down under the awning and took a deep breath. I feel so bad that I cost my mother what could have been. Maybe now that I'm older she could try to connect with someone. If anyone deserved it, she does. I can't believe she sacrificed her happiness just to make sure I was stable. I'm going to do everything in my power to make it up to her. If she actually had moved with Lee I wonder how differently my life would have turned out. Would I have had friends like Jax and Opie? Hell would Josh and I been crazy in love through out our teenage years or would he have looked at me like a sister? Would I ever have met him? I'm brought out of my thoughts by a voice that used to bring me so much comfort.
"Is this seat taken?" I shrug in response to Jax's question. It's not like I can tell him to go get bent, it's just a seat. To be honest I'm not sure it's in his best interest to sit down because of how I am feeling right now.
"I'm not in the best mood so sit at your own risk." He leans into next to me so our shoulders are almost touching. Surprising myself, I allow him to sit that close to me. Jax has a significant smell about him. I breathe in the familar scent of cigarettes, axel grease, and the smell of his body wash and am shocked when it seems to relax me. One thing about us is he always was my confidant, my one true friend, but none of that applies anymore and I have to remember that.
"You did really great with the wedding Faith. Donna was happy, my mom not so much " he says with a chuckle. Donna and I had done a great job. Jax was supposed to help and did, but only on the things that had to do with Ope and needed a man's touch.
"Yeah your mom's never happy unless she's controlling everything." Thats one of the things I can count on; Gemma being controlling. It's been that way since I was introduced into the fold and it's something that will always be. He took a joint out of his pack of cigarettes and begins to light it up.
"Yeah she's always been that way though. So how's the stooge?" I looked at him obviously confused.
"Who's that?" He takes a long hit off of his joint then offers it to me which I politely decline.
"The guy you've been hanging out with." I roll my eyes.
"Josh is far from a stooge. Don't be an ass it's not like you don't know his name. Plus He's my boyfriend."
"I never expected it to hurt when you got with someone. But this is unreal." I kind of blanche at his response. Of course he would make this about him. It's not my fault that he's hurt. He shouldn't have treated me like shit.
"I kept telling you and Opie that I was a catch but no one listened to me except Kyle." I say with a laugh.
"Why didn't you tell me he was harrassing you? You tell some stranger over your best friend. To make it worse, I didn't even find out about it until after Josh beat the shit out of him in Reno what was going on. And that's because he came to me about keeping you safe. What the fuck Faith? I thought we were closer than that." I look out Into the open lot and give myself time to process what he was saying. Do I feel bad about not telling him? At the time no. Now looking at it in his point of view I get where he would be upset. I watch as he takes another hit off of his joint then runs his hand through his hair.
"I didn't want it to cause problems in the brotherhood Jax. It was nothing against you or Ope. I'm no one so why risk your patch over me." He stood up, anger clouding his features. He threw his joint down and then turned to face me.
"How can you say that? You meant everything to me. You really think I would give a shit IF and that's a big if Clay decided to strip me of my patch? I doubt that he would but if he did, it would have been worth it to kick Kyle's fucking face in. Tell me the truth. Is that why Happy kicked his ass?" I nod sadly.
"Who else fucking knew Faith?" I shake my head quickly.
"Just Happy and Josh, that's it I swear " he runs his hand through his hair again and let's out a rough burst of air.
"How could you think that I didn't care about you? That you meant nothing to me?"
"You act like you've been super nice to me lately. Even if I thought you gave a shit before that all went out the window the last few months."
" I did that for you! You didn't need to be caught up in my bullshit. I'm not right in my head right now Faith. I never wanted to hurt you believe me. You're the last person on this fucking earth I ever wanted to hurt." Now that pissed me off more than I can say.
"Oh yeah that's right. It's perfectly fine for you to act like a dick because you were going through some shit. It must be nice to be the prince because shit seems to roll down hill huh? You think pushing me aside constantly throwing your whores in my face or acting like a dick is going to make me still want to be your friend? You know how much you hurt me? Oh that's right, it's cool because it wasn't you. That's straight because you're going to get hurt worst of all. You get to watch me fall in love with someone else. You get to watch that man be everything you ever dreamed of. And even better you get to watch me become the old lady I was always supposed to be ...only I won't be yours!" I scream at him.
"Yeah that's what you think ..." He grabs my face and molds his mouth to mine. For a minute Im stunned and then I try to shove him off. Why does he have to do this shit today?!
a/n: I'm back finally with a helluva bang. Let me know what you think please