A/N: This chapter and the next are getting us caught up on the story from Kate's perspective. Enjoy!
Tuesday, September 10th, 2013 – Blackwell Academy: Courtyard
"There..." Kate says, giving the brown liquid a final swirl before handing the teacup back to Stella. "Tell me what you think!"
She gives her "tea date" an expectant grin as the girl hesitantly raises the cup to her lips, and can't help but giggle at the way she holds her pinky finger up and away like people do in British period dramas.
The day is just lovely for it, outside in the Blackwell Academy courtyard with birds chirping and a pair of squirrels cavorting nearby. Kate and Stella are sitting along the edge of the fountain that surrounds the founder's statue, basking in the warm summer-afternoon sun as they enjoy each other's company.
The hoodie-clad girl takes a long sip, looking contemplatively upward as she allows the hot tea to swirl in her mouth a bit before swallowing. After a moment she nods, her dark eyebrows raised and lips pursed to form an expression of surprised admiration.
"It's really good, actually," she says finally, giving Kate a thankful smile. "What kind did you say it is?"
Kate rocks her head slightly from side to side, humming in the way that she does when she's especially pleased with herself. "Nothing fancy, just Earl Grey with a touch of honey. Would you like some more in yours?"
"Don't mind if I do, madam!" Stella exclaims with mock propriety as she holds out her cup to catch the dollop of honey being offered. "It's fancy enough for me, though. The only tea I ever had growing up was the powdered stuff that comes in the little cans."
"What can I say? It's my guilty pleasure." Kate takes a sip of her own tea, closing her eyes as she sighs contentedly.
"If THAT's your idea of a guilty pleasure, then the rest of us are screwed!"
"Oh, stop!" Kate playfully swats at her friend's arm. "It's just something I got in the habit of when I was around ten or so, and I've been hooked ever since. My sisters and I have had little tea dates just like this every week since."
Stella frowns. "Too bad Alyssa's being an ass about it this time."
"Oh, n-no... that's… that's my fault... I'm sorry." Kate stammers, taking her turn to look away. Alyssa didn't take the news that she was planning on inviting Victoria to their inaugural tea party well at all, and refused to participate even after Kate offered to change her mind.
"No, it's not." Stella chides. "I think it's cool of you to invite her. Even if it is kind of a longshot, I keep half-expecting to look up and see Taylor and Courtney carrying Her Majesty over here on her Royal Palanquin."
They both share a laugh at the idea, but Kate has to keep the pang of disappointment from her voice. It's been a little more than a week since she'd had her overwhelming realization that Victoria is the mysterious girl she'd been dreaming about since her thirteenth birthday. Her angel. And while it took most of that time to work up enough nerve to just be in the same room as the blonde-haired beauty without feeling the urge to flee in a state of existential panic, she hadn't quite worked out exactly how to break the ice between them.
Victoria seemed off-put by Kate ever since her freak-out in the dorm hallway that morning. And though it made Kate feel terribly sad, she couldn't really blame her. She'd honestly hoped she could go for more than a day in her new school without everyone thinking she was a total weirdo, but to have it happen right in front of her literal dream-girl was even more humiliating. Especially considering how fun, and nervously exciting, and (ohmygosh) revealing their interactions had been the couple of days prior.
Even so, she'd felt hopeful butterflies in her stomach when she sent Victoria the invitation. Via text, of course – she knew she'd have been far too nervous and awkward to ask in person.
Not being rejected in person didn't soften the blow, however, when she overheard Victoria and Max talking about working on the candid photography project today. Especially not when Max had proudly proclaimed that it was "a date" for all the world to hear, like it was just as easy as breathing.
She knew it wasn't very Christian to feel envy in her heart. It would have been easier to avoid if it was just about how Max could talk to anyone without stuttering, or being awkward, or her words coming out all wrong like Kate's often did. Or about being brave and driven enough to just ask someone out on a date, a date-date, without feeling the need to run all the way back to her room.
But when Victoria looked at Max sometimes, in that way that Kate wished she would look at her? It would only compound her sin by lying if she claimed it wasn't envy.
"You've gotta admit, she does come off as a Royal bitch most of the time."
"W-what?" Kate stutters, momentarily panicked at the idea that she had accidentally shared her thoughts about Max out loud, before remembering that they had been speaking about Victoria just before.
"Whuh… No! I mean… ok, yes, she can be a… n-not nice sometimes, but I feel like there's so much more to her than that. She's ambitious, and passionate. She'll move Heaven and Earth for her friends. And… I don't know, I just feel like maybe she's not nice to others because she has a hard time being nice to herself."
Oh, and also I've been in love with her since I started dreaming about her when I was thirteen years old despite just having met two weeks ago and I'm pretty sure she's literally a divine being sent from heaven. You know, like any normal teenager would.
Stella bumps Kate's shoulder with her own.
"Chill, dude. All I'm saying is I'm really impressed you're not as terrified of her as most everyone else."
Kate blushes slightly, unsure of what to say to that kind of praise. So, she smiles shyly and raises her teacup to her mouth instead.
As the other girl follows suit, Kate can't help but admire how pretty she is, with her brown skin, silky hair, dark blue eyes and pouty lips. Perhaps that's why she feels the sudden urge to impishly tease her.
"I'm just happy I could pull you away from working and studying long enough to hang out with me like this."
Stella rolls her eyes. "Pfft, I hang out! It's not my fault that I have to work part-time to supplement my scholarship, and it's not like my GPA is going to raise itself, you know."
"Yes, buuuut…" Kate continues with a mischievous smile. "You do need to take time to relax so you don't burn yourself out! You know, tea… hobbies… dating…"
The last word is accompanied by a gossipy, prying eyebrow.
That makes her tea-date raise a hand to her chest in mock surprise. "Whaaaaaaat? Is Abstinence-Annie really asking me about my love-life?"
"Hey! You know I don't judge! And besides, even abstinent people can still go on dates!"
"Well, no news to report on that front I'm afraid," Stella starts, before giving her a sly smirk. "I would make a move on Jefferson if Victoria would let me get a word in edgewise, though."
"Stella!" Kate gasps, horrified.
"What, he's pretty hot for an older guy!"
"Older? He's twice your age!"
"Twice plus two years actually." Stella raises a couple fingers twice for emphasis. "I googled him! Besides, it's not like being into older men is a crime or anything."
"Given that he's your teacher I do believe it is!" Kate rubs at her left temple, aghast.
"Are you telling me there aren't any boys our age you're interested in?"
Stella thinks for a moment, then shrugs. "I dunno… maybe one or two." Then she casts her eyes to the side before mumbling "maybe a little younger…"
"Oh, hallelujah!" Kate raises her eyes and unoccupied hand to the heavens. "I was about to stage an intervention."
Stella sticks her tongue out at the dirty-blonde sitting next to her, before her face spreads into a wolfish grin.
"So… how bout you? Does Kate Marsh have a crush on anybody?"
Kate immediately regrets starting down this path, and tries to turn away as she can feel the heat rising in her cheeks.
Stella seems startled at first, but soon enough her eyes are gleaming with excitement as she leans forward. "Wait… you actually DO? Oh my God, spill!"
Desperately attempting to avoid meeting Stella's eyes, Kate stammers "A- a lady never tells!"
"Shit!" Stella groans. "I really do need a boyfriend now… if I let Kate Marsh beat me in the romance department, I'll never live it down!"
Kate bites her lip as a playful thought crosses her mind.
What is something Victoria might say in this situation?
Then, uncharacteristically bold despite the blush touching her cheeks, she turns back to Stella and smirks.
"I don't know, Hill… you may have a lot more catching up to do than you think." She punctuates this with her best imperious eyebrow impression.
"Oh? How so?" Stella attempts to be nonchalant as she raises her cup for a final time.
"At least I've seen my crush naked."
Kate can't hold back her giggles as Stella spits most of her last gulp of Earl Grey out in a fine, honey-infused brown mist.
Suddenly, though, her attention is drawn away from the spluttering girl sitting next to her when she feels a familiar kind of pressure forming near her left temple, followed by a growing heat… almost as though someone had focused the light from a magnifying glass onto her head.
Looking up in confusion, Kate turns in that direction to see someone standing at the far end of the courtyard, pointing a fancy looking camera right at her. The camera mostly obscures the girl's face... save for a familiar mop of short blonde hair and a distinctive purse of pink lips.
Kate gasps, her cheeks turning scarlet as her heart begins to pound in her ears. She has felt this sensation before, and every time she looked around, she always found those same emerald eyes staring back at her. That didn't seem so unusual to Kate, however... after all, God has been sending her dreams of Victoria for years now. Experiencing tangible evidence of their metaphysical bond only makes sense.
But for a photographer like Victoria Chase, to deem Kate worthy of her artistic vision? That shocks her. Shocks her and delights her and makes her heart swell so with pride that she fears it might burst.
Her eyes soften as she can feel her mouth stretch into a wide, beaming smile, the smile she reserves solely for her angel.
The blonde lowers her camera several inches, surprise evident in her brilliant green eyes even from this distance. Then she smiles too, one of those genuine, unguarded smiles Kate has only seen in rare moments when Victoria is caught off-guard or thinks no one is looking.
Seeing that smile makes Kate feel a way she hasn't often felt throughout her young life.
It's a smile that makes Kate happy to be alive.
Victoria may never love Kate the way she wants. Kate may never be the kind of woman Victoria would find suitable for a partner. But as long as Kate can be near her, feel those blazing emerald eyes on her, and occasionally even see a smile like that one?
That can be enough. For however long Kate has left… that can be enough.
Thursday, September 12th, 2013 – Girls' Dormitory: Rooftop
She's standing on the ledge, the cold rain matting her hair to her face as it soaks right through her clothes. She doesn't feel the chill even as it makes her flesh shiver. The pain inside is too great to feel anything else at all.
She feels the burning pressure of her angel's eyes on her. Scanning the crowd, she sees her. Something is obscuring her face, but in the final moments before Kate jumps, Victoria lowers it enough so that she can see those beautiful emerald eyes.
And then… she's falling.
'Katie!'
Girls' Dormitory: Kate's Room
Kate's eyes open as she gasps herself awake, and it takes some time searching the dark, unfamiliar seeming room before she realizes where she is. She's not in her room back home, with her nightlight on and her stuffed rabbit, Mr. Pipkin at her side. She's eighteen now, in the Girls' Dormitory at Blackwell Academy, room 220. Her room.
But, more importantly, the room right next door to Victoria's.
She sits up on her well-worn blue couch, letting the quilt that covered her fall to the side. Kate doesn't own Mr. Pipkin anymore, she and her father finally lost that battle with her mother after she turned fifteen, but now she has something even better. Lightly stepping over to the cage near her bed, she kneels down to open it and picks up Alice. Carrying her pet rabbit, a living, breathing one these days, back to the couch, Kate nestles back in with Alice snuggled to her chest.
Her bed is immaculately made and decently comfortable as dorm-issued beds go. But it's on the wrong side of the room. Sleeping on the couch let's Kate be that much closer to her angel.
The dream was the same as it has always been, save for the fact that since she's arrived at Blackwell, since she's realized who exactly her neighbor is, they've been more… real. Intense. The cold of the rain. The ache of her heart. The pain as she hits the ground.
Every time she has the dream it feels more real. And more inevitable. She knows that her time is coming soon.
A pair of tears pool in her eyes before beating a slow path down her cheeks. The dreams had always been comforting to her, in a macabre way. Even though they showed her how she was going to die, they also let her see her angel, hear her voice as she called her name. Thinking about her and the way she made her feel was one of the only things that made Kate feel like she didn't actually die a long while ago, that she wasn't just some ghost haunting this world well past her time.
The visions of her angel made her feel alive. Loved. They drove a spear through the inexplicable sadness and loneliness she'd carried with her since even before the dreams started. She was the tether keeping Kate attached to this world, until it was time for God to call her home.
She welcomed the dreams before. Welcomed their comfort. Welcomed the surety that she would be called up to heaven, where she'd never feel hurt or lonely again.
But now? Now all she can think about is how, once her time comes at last, she'll never see Victoria's smile or feel those eyes on her again.
More tears make their way down the trails blazed by the first two as she gently picks at the wall separating her room from Victoria's with one finger.
"I don't want to go…" Kate's voice cracks as she whispers to Alice. "I don't want to leave her…"
But she will have to. She's sworn before God so many times over the years that when the time comes, she'll go to meet him with grace, love, and joy in her heart. She could never break that vow… she owes Him that much for letting her experience such miracles.
She just never expected God to actually make her angel real. Or that Him doing so would make what she will have to do so hard.
Alice only responds with a waggle of her cute pink nose. Kate kisses her on the head between her ears. She never was very talkative, but Alice has always made a great listener.
Kate looks at the wall, at the very spot where she assumes Victoria is sleeping in her own bed mere feet away. As she does, she gives the sleeping girl one last, tear-soaked whisper.
"I don't want to leave you…"
September 20th, 2013 - Vortex Club's Abstinence Ambush Aftermath
Kate's chest heaves as the door slams shut behind a fleeing Victoria. She holds the bite of her lip long after the girl leaves, not trusting what her mouth would do if she wasn't otherwise keeping in check. Her eyes follow the sound of those retreating heel CLACKs all the way down the hall. Her heart is racing. Her mind is reeling.
She... won't even go into the effect that encounter is having on her body.
Victoria Maribeth Chase - Kate's angel - wants her. Romantically. Biblically.
Victoria Maribeth Chase had claimed her, publicly, right there in front of all her closest friends. She'd taken what was just another humiliating Vortex Club experience at its finest and used it to turn Kate's entire life upside down. She had been just moments away from running from Courtney and her cackling cronies, but then…
Then Victoria slapped her expensive looking black credit card on the table and gave Kate a look that planted her little behind right back down in her chair as if it had a mind of its own.
Her words were spoken in her standard condescending tone, the one she always used on her bullying targets. The one she'd used on Kate and her friends several times before. It was nonchalant, above-it-all, the Queen of Blackwell just having a laugh at her subject's expense.
But her fiery emerald green eyes said something else entirely. They expressed compassion, yes, but also hunger, and a desire for... ownership. They said: pay these cretins no mind… they can't have you. They can't touch you. You're mine.
Matching wits with Victoria in the minutes that followed had been exhilarating. For once, Kate didn't stutter, didn't find herself at a loss for words or afraid to say the words she did have in mind. For a rare moment, someone rose to the Queen of Blackwell's challenge and held their own as an equal despite being severely outnumbered by her assembled court. Heck, before Taylor's phone went off Kate may have even been winning.
She couldn't just let it go at that. She knew what she saw, but she had to KNOW know. So… as the rest of the Vortex crew left the classroom, she gave Victoria an out.
"What you said, about buying my…"
Virginity Kate SHE WAS OFFERING TO BUY YOUR VIRGINITY OH MY GOSH!
"…I know you're not like that."
"Oh Katie…" Victoria said. Every time she used that name on her, the name she uses in Kate's dreams, it sets her heart on fire. But to hear it used so licentiously had sent her scrambling backwards until she found herself pinned to the desk behind her with Victoria leaning right up to her ear.
"… a Chase never bluffs."
Victoria had looked at Kate before in ways that made her heart melt. Made the sun shine brighter. Made the birds sing just for her.
She had also given her looks that seemed inexplicably sad. Filled with shame, and remorse. Looks that made Kate's heart just break for her.
But this look of… of… of craven lust awakened something within Kate that she didn't know she had.
Over the years she had occasionally fantasized about having a romantic relationship with her angel. It only made sense, after all… she'd been in love with the girl that haunted her dreams since she was thirteen years old. But those fantasies had mostly involved holding hands. Close embraces. Kissing, when she was feeling especially naughty. And even picturing those things had been enough to make her blush so hard she feared she'd pass out.
But now… If Victoria hadn't been shocked into retreat by the intensity with which Kate rose to meet her challenge, she'd have let the Queen of Blackwell take her right there on Mrs. Hoida's desk. Or Kate would have taken her. Not that she knew what to do with her, precisely, but... the image of her exquisitely nude form exiting the shower is still burned into her brain. So, she at least has some ideas.
Kate had accepted that Victoria would end up being with Max, or maybe even Taylor from some of the wistful, familiar looks she'd seen the girl cast her friend's way on occasion. She had accepted her role of loving her angel from afar. She thought perhaps it would even be better that way, since... since Kate knows she's going to die.
However, if Victoria actually wants her, even in some small way… didn't that change everything?
Could she afford to not take that chance?
Monday, September 23rd, 2013 – Girls' Dormitory: 2nd Floor Hallway
Kate checks the time on her phone. 4:20 pm. She's certain Stella would have a joke at the ready if she were here right about now.
She taps her foot impatiently, sure she looks like a total weirdo standing in the hallway in front of the door to room 221, but she's two minutes early. And she knows how much the room's occupant loves precise punctuality. That time she heard Victoria tear Courtney a new one certainly served to drive that point home. Kate giggles at the thought, as it was the first and only time she's ever managed to feel bad for Courtney Wagner.
It has been about three days since the eventful Vortex Club-attended Abstinence Awareness meeting. Specifically, it's been 2 days, 23 hours and 48 minutes since Victoria Chase fled the room after the meeting's conclusion… not that Kate has been counting or anything.
…
Ok, Kate is too honest to let even an unsaid fib slip past, so, yes, she has been counting. To be fair, her mind and her heart seemingly haven't stopped racing since.
She's been spending most of this time trying to work up the nerve to ask Victoria the question that's been burning in her mind ever since that day. She's actually come close a few times, sidling up to Victoria on the stairs, or waving as they pass each other in the hallway, or claiming the sink next to hers in the morning.
But each time Victoria gets this look on her face like… like she's afraid of something. And so, she'll turn around and walk in the opposite direction, or pretend she didn't see Kate, or realize she suddenly had someplace else to be, quite urgently, and no it's none of your business thank you very much. Never allowing Kate to get a word in edgewise.
It would have been adorable if Kate wasn't so desperate for an answer. If she couldn't feel with each passing moment how little time she has left.
Kate would have been willing to wait her entire life for her love to reach Victoria Chase's heart, if she had that kind of time. But now it's starting to seem like if she wants to take a chance at the kind of happiness she's always thought would be impossible for someone like her, she has to act.
If Victoria wants to be with her, then… then… well, she doesn't know what she'll do, then. She doesn't want to break her vow to God. She doesn't even know if she can. But, at the very least, she'll know that what time she has left will be the happiest of her short life.
And if she doesn't… well, at least knowing that will make her time to go that much easier.
She finally built up the courage a few minutes ago to send Victoria a text to ask if they could talk, saying it was important.
At 4:12, Victoria told her to meet her here, in ten minutes.
Kate checks her phone again and sighs. 4:21 pm. She pulls up the time app so that she can watch the seconds count upwards, raising her fist in preparation of knocking.
4:21:57
4:21:58
4:21:59
4:22:00
Her knuckles have time to feel only the barest brush of wood before the door is flung open, and Victoria's green eyes are staring back at her. She looks… nervous. Apprehensive, her breaths coming fast and shallow, her eyes darting this way and that. Her lips pressed into that pensive purse she does when she's thinking about something, the one that makes Kate want to just lean forward and kiss them. She opens her mouth to say something, probably some variation of "what the frick do you want?" or a snide joke about religion, before closing it again with a click of her teeth.
"H-hi, Vic… Victoria." Kate winces internally even as she smiles at the girl standing in front of her. Of course the stutter would come back, on today of all days.
We plan… God laughs.
"… can I come in?"
Victoria doesn't move to let her pass, she just continues staring at Kate while chewing on the inside of her cheek. After a few moments she looks down the hall to the right, where pop music can be heard blaring from Dana's open door, and then to the left. Her brow furrows with concern as she stares at Max's door for a few seconds, before she suddenly grabs Kate's hand and begins hurriedly leading her toward the stairwell without saying a word.
Kate blushes, absolutely flummoxed as she stares down at the perfect hand gripping tightly to hers, adorned with expertly manicured nails painted red to match her lipstick with flecks of gold sprinkled throughout. She's sure that it's just in her mind, but Kate can feel heat coming from that hand as though she'd stuck her own in an oven, radiating up her arm and making her chest feel warm and tingly. She has no idea where Victoria is taking her but as long as she's holding that hand…? Kate is in.
At least, she thinks she is, until Victoria is leading them up the stairs and straight through the roof access door.
"Umm, Vic-Victoria? I don't think we're supposed to be up here…" Being up here makes Kate understandably nervous, given her near daily dreams, but of course Victoria wouldn't know that.
The girl looks back briefly to give her an annoyed eye-roll, before finally letting go of Kate's hand and strutting off to stand a few feet from the raised stone ledge at the edge of the rooftop.
"Chill, Inspector Javert, some of the girls come up here to smoke sometimes, it's no big deal." With that the girl is pulling a pack of cigarettes from her purse. "You mind?"
Kate shakes her head no as she comes to a stop a few feet away, not that her answer matters much as the short-haired blonde is already in the process of lighting one. Kate hopes that she can keep her nose from crinkling involuntarily as the shifting breeze sends a waft of smoke her way. She doesn't like it when people smoke around her… she finds the smell to be gross, and of course there are the associated health risks involved.
But there's something about the way Victoria's lips seal around the filter, her green eyes rolling back just a bit as she takes her first drag, or the way those same lips part slightly as she exhales a long plume of smoke afterward. Her lipstick leaves a red smear on the filter as she withdraws the cigarette, her arm forming a V-shape as she holds it elegantly away from her between two slender fingers.
Yeah… much as Kate thinks it's a filthy habit that she wishes the girl didn't have, she could stand there and watch Victoria smoke all day long.
"Well?" Victoria finally snarks, glancing toward Kate for a moment. "What the fuck's so important you had to drag me all the way up here, Sister Mary Patrick?"
"But you…" Kate complains, before stopping herself at the sight of the amused glimmer in those green eyes.
No. She's trying to get a rise out of me, throw me off so she has me at a disadvantage. Just... say what I came here to say.
Kate hesitates, her nerves suddenly shooting through the roof. She'd practiced what she wanted to say over and over in her mind throughout the day, hardly paying attention to any of her classes in the process. But now, with the girl of her dreams standing there in front of her and the sound of her own heartbeat pounding in her ears, she feels like the words are just disappearing from her head as though they were being blown away by the breeze right along with the smoke from Victoria's cigarette.
Finally, clutching the cross that hangs from her neck for reassurance, Kate takes a deep breath and asks her first question.
"Are you and Max Caulfield… together?"
This seems to catch Victoria off-guard, her perfectly plucked eyebrows climbing up her forehead. Kate was hoping for that reaction, as it would increase the likelihood of actually getting an honest answer from the ever-dissembling girl.
"W-what?" Victoria stammers, before looking down and to her right. "We're… not official or anything."
Kate nods. "And… do you love her?"
That earns her a sharp, suspicious glare from those green eyes. Perhaps it's the sincerity in Kate's own that lead to Victoria replying.
"I… don't know for sure. I feel like it's maybe going that direction."
"But you're not there yet?"
Victoria huffs and rolls her eyes. "Why are you asking me all this shit about Caulfield? You want her number or something?" The girl gives Kate's clothes a dismissive glance before continuing. "I can promise you're not her type, she tends to go for something a little classier than thrift-store chic."
She's deflecting now, as is to be expected, but Kate doesn't rise to the bait. If Victoria had unequivocally answered yes to any of the previous questions, she would have thanked her for her time and wished her a blessed day before walking back inside. It's not like she's a home-wrecker or anything, after all.
But Victoria didn't, so Kate presses on… swallowing nervously before she continues.
"I-I ask, because… I want to know how you feel… About me."
This definitely takes Victoria aback, as the girl quickly looks away, turning to raise her cigarette to her lips as she rubs at her arm with her free hand. She doesn't meet Kate's eyes as she responds.
"I think… you're an annoying little holy-roller who just loves to flaunt how morally superior you are to all the rest of us sinners."
It's Kate's turn to roll her eyes in exasperation. Getting anything real out of Victoria is like trying to extract a sip of water from one of those giant desert cacti with the huge thorns, but the cactus is also one of those inflatable dancing wind men you see flailing around outside car dealerships. Even if you do manage to quench your thirst it's nearly impossible to walk away unscathed.
"That's not what I asked you, Victoria. How do you feel?"
Victoria continues to face away from her, standing there silently for a while before finally asking, the tightness of her throat evident in her voice:
"… Why?"
Kate is gripping her cross so tightly she's sure it will leave an imprint on the flesh of her hand.
"Because… I want to be with you. And… and… and I really hope that you want to be with me, too."
Victoria's body visibly tenses at that, her shoulders seeming to hunch forward in an almost protective fashion.
"But… why? I'm a bitch. I'm mean, and a bully, and you're… you're you. It doesn't make any sense."
"Does it have to make sense?" Kate pleads, unable to keep some of the desperation she feels from her voice. "Victoria… I honestly believe God sent me to you for a reason. That we're meant to be together."
The green-eyed girl finally turns back to laugh at Kate, her tone mocking and cruel and very Victoria Chase. "Holy shit, I sure hope not. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard."
She's deflecting again, but they've ventured too close to the secret that makes up the core of Kate's very identity for her words not to sting.
Kate crosses her arms, fighting to hold back the tears pricking at her eyes. "Victoria, please don't make fun…"
"Why not?" the Queen of Blackwell continues sarcastically. "It's funny as fuck. All this time I thought you were putting on this whole holier-than-thou choir girl act to get right with the Man Upstairs, but if He sent you here to date me? Girl, I'm sorry to say this, but He must not like you very much at all."
A trill of anger shoots through Kate for a moment, but it's almost immediately replaced by the light of realization. Even though Victoria's words are aimed at Kate, they're carefully crafted in a way that she ultimately is only putting herself down.
And that's when she sees something hiding behind the mockery and disdain covering her face like a mask. She sees other emotions entirely. Real ones, this time. A sense of longing resides in those emerald eyes.
Kate decides, right then and there, that if Victoria wants to be with her… she won't jump, when the time comes. She'll suffer whatever the consequences to her immortal soul for refusing God's call, but she won't ever leave her.
But longing isn't the only thing she sees in those eyes. The emotion seems to be in a pitched battle with immense amounts of… of… shame. Shame and fear.
"You're… you're afraid."
Victoria takes an involuntary step backward, her eyes widening with shock. "D-don't pull that Professor X shit on me!" she spits, her voice coming out in an unconvincing near-whine. "B-bitch, I'm Victoria Chase. I'm not afraid of anything! Especially not some mousy little…"
"But you are!" Kate steps forward to follow, keeping her eyes locked on Victoria's. "Why...? Are… are you afraid of me? Or… of this?" she motions her hand back and forth to indicate the invisible connection between the two of them.
Victoria just looks away, her lips pursed and jaw clenched tightly shut.
Kate takes another step closer. "I know you want me. I've seen the way you look at me."
Victoria blushes. "Th… that's just sexual…"
But Kate continues to close the distance between them, her gaze unwavering.
"I've seen the way you smile at me too. You can't tell me it's just about s-sex. So… why? Why are you so scared?"
Another long silence.
"Victoria... why did you run from me the other day in Mrs. Hoida's class?"
The Blackwell Queen barks another laugh, then, but this one is less cruel than the last. This one is... resigned. Self-deprecating.
"That's the million-dollar question isn't it?" She raises her cigarette again for a quick, anxious pull. "'A Chase never bluffs!' 'If there's something I want, I take it!'. Yeah, big fucking talk, but do I back it up? Hell no! Not when it counts, I guess."
"I mean, you're hot. And you were clearly willing, so... why did I run, Kate? Believe me I've been asking myself the same thing all week."
Kate blushes at being referred to as "hot" and "willing", though Lord knows she can't argue with the second one. Still, concern pushes those thoughts away as Victoria's voice steadily rises in pitch and volume, and her eyes start shifting around rapidly as if she expects enemies to come from all sides. She doesn't seem to know what to do with her unoccupied hand... if she's not gesturing wildly, she's running it through her hair or shakily picking at her clothes.
Kate has seen her like this a couple of times, when the girl seemed to be having an especially bad or stressful day. Stella calls it "Rage-mode". Alyssa and a few others have said things like "Watch out, Bitch-toria's on the warpath again." The consensus among students, even for many of the Vortex Club members, is that now is the time to stay out of her way if you know what's good for you.
But all Kate has ever wanted to do during these times is hold Victoria close and tell her that everything will be alright. Because when she looks into those wild eyes she doesn't see a bitch, or a bully, or a mean-girl. She sees anxiety. Insecurity. And so, so much pain buried just beneath the surface.
Where others see a spoiled brat having a tantrum, Kate sees a child who just needs reassurance that she is seen. That she is heard. That she is loved.
But she gets the sense that reaching out to her right now is not what Victoria needs, that it wouldn't turn out well for either of them. What she needs is for Kate to listen, and so she does. As much as it breaks her heart to do it, she keeps her thoughts and her hands to herself.
"So, you wanna talk about how I feel, Kate?! Then why don't YOU tell ME why it is that looking at you sometimes makes me feel so sad I want to just curl up in a ball and cry? Or so guilty that I hate myself even more than I always do? Because, normally I get to enjoy waiting until AFTER I fuck someone over before I feel like a piece of shit, but I guess that's just not good enough when it comes to Kate fucking Marsh, is it? So, tell me Katie, do you know why I feel like this?!"
Kate can't help but reach for her, now, because some of the things Victoria is saying are, quite honestly, scaring her. "Victoria, I don't understand, but we can..."
"IT'S BECAUSE I'LL HURT YOU, OK!?" she nearly screams, batting Kate's hands away as a pair of tears escape her eyes. "It's the only thing that makes any fucking sense! I just know, somehow, that… that someone like me can only ever hurt someone like you. And I don't want that. You don't deserve that.
"Victoria… I'm-I'm a big girl, ok? I can make my own choices. And even if you've hurt people before, that's not who you are—"
"It's EXACTLY who I am! It's all I ever do! And if you don't see that… then you don't know me at all."
"NO!" Kate shouts back, her own tears beginning to fall as she refuses to back down. "I won't let you talk about yourself like this! I wish I could make you see yourself the way I do…"
She gazes deeply into Victoria's eyes, hoping she can see the passion and sincerity in her own.
"Victoria, I'm in lo—"
"Don't say that!" Victoria growls, though Kate can hear the pleading whine in her voice as the blonde fiercely shakes her head. "Don't you dare fucking say that!"
Kate takes several deep, ragged breaths. Tears stream down her face as her hands clench and unclench of their own accord.
Yes, Victoria can hurt her. She knows that of anyone in this world, Victoria could probably hurt her most of all. But at the same time…
"I don't care."
Victoria's eyes go wide with confusion, before she incredulously asks "… what?!"
Kate raises her chin defiantly, staring the girl right in those green eyes.
"I don't care if you hurt me. It doesn't matter. I want to be with you, no matter what."
And Kate means it. Victoria is her angel. She would suffer any amount of pain, any injury necessary to be with her, especially considering how little time they might have left. But as a range of emotions pass through Victoria's face in the wake of her honesty, Kate suspects she's made a mistake. When they at last settle on one, she's sure of it.
Rage. Victoria's face turns hard and cold, her lips pressed together so tightly that they're nearly invisible. Her free hand is balled into a tight fist at her side. Kate's mouth grows dry, and her throat tightens. It's all she can do not to turn away from the face of Victoria's fury. Finally, she musters the courage to speak.
"Victoria, I'm—"
"I'm sorry, Kate." Victoria cuts her off coldly, her jaw quivering as she speaks, and her hand shakes as she takes a final, angry drag from her cigarette. "I can't be what you want me to be."
With that, she flicks the smoldering butt over the stone barrier on the roof's ledge as she turns for the stairwell door. She doesn't look back as she says "I hope you find someone who can."
When her hand touches the door handle, she pauses to add:
"… Someone better than me."
Kate's heart sinks through the floor. She shakes her head to deny Victoria's words.
How? How could I possibly find anyone that I could love more than this?
She wants to shout these words at Victoria. To run and grab her and shake her and force her to listen. But she won't. She has her answer. She has to respect it, no matter how much it hurts.
She was… she was stupid to think that someone like her ever even had a chance.
As the stairwell door swings shut behind the girl of her dreams, Kate can't wrench her eyes from the cigarette as it tumbles through the air, end over end, until finally colliding with the sidewalk below in a brief flash of orange embers.
That particular spot it landed on is, of course, extremely familiar to Kate. It's something she's seen hundreds of times in her dreams, and looking at it now, from this angle?
She knows that she's staring at the exact spot she's going to die.
It's a sign. One of those tiny little signs, the kind that Moses could have easily missed before God sent him an angel in the form of the burning bush.
We plan… God laughs.
She would have been willing to wait forever for Victoria Chase to return her love. Or, failing that, could have happily spent her entire life loving her from afar.
Unfortunately, she just doesn't have that kind of time.
Tuesday, September 24th, 2013 – Girls' Dormitory: Rooftop
She's standing on the ledge, the cold rain matting her hair to her face as it soaks right through her clothes. She doesn't feel the chill even as it makes her flesh shiver. The pain inside is too great to feel anything else at all.
She feels the burning pressure of her angel's eyes on her. Scanning the crowd, she sees her. Something is obscuring her face, but in the final moments before Kate jumps, Victoria lowers it enough so that she can see those beautiful emerald eyes.
And then… and then…
She hesitates.
Every muscle in her body, every fiber of her being is screaming at her to take that one. last. step.
One last step.
It will all be over… it will never hurt again.
One last step.
But staring into Victoria's eyes, with Victoria staring back at her… she hesitates.
A change passes over her angel's face as they're caught by each other's gaze. At first, she seemed to be viewing Kate with a sort of… passive disbelief. Like it was all some big joke, just Kate Beverly Marsh being dramatic again.
But as they stand there, rain soaking through the both of them, Victoria's expression shifts. First, it's shock… then realization. Then horror. She starts shaking her head, NO, her mouth contorting into a pained grimace, her eyes filling with regret and guilt and unshed tears.
Just… one last step and Kate won't… she won't ever…
Victoria shakes her head again. Her mouth forming the words 'No, no, Katie, don't, please, I'm sorry-'
Just one last step and Kate won't ever see Victoria smile again.
…
Kate is shaking her head now, too.
"I don't…" Kate whispers. "I don't want to leave you…"
Victoria's pleading eyes never leave her, even as her shaking legs give way beneath her and she falls to her knees in the grass and mud.
"I don't want to leave you!" Kate shouts.
She steps backwards, clambering down to the safety of the roof a foot below her.
'Katie…?!'
Kate spins around and Victoria is there, on the roof with her now, standing over by the stairwell door. Her hair and face are soaked, her make-up running, her knees and tights covered in mud and grass.
She's perfect.
Victoria is crying still, but now she's smiling through her tears. She holds out her arms to Kate, inviting her in.
Kate sobs, her heart soaring with happiness. She runs to her angel.
But after she takes just one step… she's falling again.
This time, she's not falling from the roof of the Girls' Dormitory at Blackwell Academy.
The dorm doesn't exist.
Blackwell doesn't exist.
Kate doesn't exist.
She's falling through a void of blinding white light, her formless body buffeted by winds as the sounds of an unseen storm rages around her. She is assaulted by strange, unfamiliar images as she falls, most going by so fast she can't even identify them.
But those she can see fill her soul with terror.
Snow falling over Arcadia Bay.
Victoria weeping into her hands on the floor of her room, as a shadow looms over her from her open door.
The golden evening sun being devoured by inky darkness.
The corpses of whales lining the beach after having been washed ashore.
Strobing lights and the press of bodies surrounding the Blackwell swimming pool.
Two moons hanging in the clear night sky, like a pair of watching, accusatory eyes.
Kate's consciousness continues to fall through this bright white void until she finally, weightlessly lands next to one final vision. The most horrifying of them all.
Victoria lying prone on a cold stone floor, surrounded by the same harsh light, her hands and feet bound tightly by thick restraints.
Kate wants to run to Victoria but she has no legs to carry her. She wants to embrace Victoria but she has no arms to hold her. She wants to cry out to Victoria but she has no mouth to scream for her.
Victoria stares at Kate as she weeps, her eyes filled with the same panic Kate feels.
'Please don't hate me…' she pleads.
'Please don't let me die in here…'
Girls' Dormitory: Kate's Room
Kate wakes with a start, tears streaming down her face. Her throat constricts with the effort to take a single, strangled gasp of breath, the cold grip of panic clutching her insides like a vice. Like something heavy laying across her chest, refusing to allow her lungs to expand as they should.
This was once a familiar feeling for the girl, back when her nightmares were new and terrifying and incomprehensible to her young mind. But over time the feeling had faded, due to both the familiarity of the dream itself and the comfort she gleaned from seeing her angel.
But this time… for the first time… the dream was different. She wasn't just a passenger in some other Kate's, some future Kate's body and mind. She was able to think her own thoughts. She was able to take control.
She was able to stop herself from jumping. And then…
And then the dream truly became a nightmare.
She would jump off that roof a million times, feel the pain of dying a million times, if it meant she would never have to see Victoria terrified and weeping and pleading for her life like that again.
Kate's mind is racing. She still can barely breathe. Her heart jack-hammers in her ears.
She reaches for her phone next to the couch. The lock screen reads 3:00 AM.
Three like the holy trinity.
Three like the number of times she was supposed to die in her dream before she fucked it all up.
The phone unlocks, and the last song she was listening to blares tinny through the speaker. True Faith.
'That's the price that we all pay…'
'And the value of destiny comes to nothing.'
Kate hurls her phone across the room, the collision with the wall over her bed silencing it.
In a panic, Kate scrambles off the couch and over to the cage near her bed. She doesn't have Mr. Pipkin anymore, so Alice will have to take his place as always. She hugs the poor creature tightly as she sobs into her soft fur.
She wants it to not be real. She prays for it to be just a nightmare. But deep down, Kate can feel it. An unshakeable, growing sense of dread and horror.
Victoria is in danger. And it is Kate's fault.
She's been destined to die since she was thirteen years old. She's accepted it all these years… until being so close to Victoria, seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, feeling the heat of her gaze… made her selfish. Made her prideful. Made her think she can fight against God's will.
God just showed her the price for such an egregious sin.
Kate knows she doesn't have a future… but Victoria? She'll be a famous photographer. Her art will touch people's lives. She'll travel the world and eat and drink and laugh and dance and marry Max, or someone else, or never settle down at all. She'll have a baby or ten or just an adorable little orange tabby kitten. Her life will be amazing.
Kate's life could never be worth that. Never.
Kate would die a million times to keep her angel safe, if that's what it takes.
There on her knees with Alice in her arms, Kate prays. For how long she doesn't even know. She prays, and weeps, and pleads for forgiveness.
"Please forgive me… Please."
"I'll go. When it's my time I swear I'll go. Just please keep her safe."
"I'll do anything You ask of me."
"Anything."