Kate keeps her head down the entire way back to the hotel, her gaze locked on the ground in front of her while she drags Victoria along behind. Every now and then Victoria can catch a flash of crimson cheek over the shorter girl's shoulder, can feel the rush of nervous energy vibrating up through Kate's hand and into her own. She doesn't even look up as they make their way through the glass doors of the hotel entrance, leaving Victoria to flash the doorman an embarrassed grin, her own blush deepening at the knowing, almost congratulatory raise of his eyebrows in return.
Yeah, that dude knows the score. Half the city knows the score at this point. Not that it matters or anything… Victoria's pretty sure that even finding her and Kate's extended families gathered together in their suite to observe their consummation wouldn't be enough to stop this runaway train.
The elevator doors aren't even halfway closed by the time Kate pounces on Victoria, driving her back into the wall as she takes her turn to claim Victoria's lips for her own.
The rest of the way back to their suite is a blur of groping hands, soft lips, and wet tongues. Victoria just barely has the presence of mind to thank God that their room is so close to the elevator, for she honestly doesn't know if they would make it much farther if not. She's having enough trouble as it is, mumbling frustrated curses into Kate's ravenous mouth as she fumbles to slide the keycard into the lock, Kate obviously not planning to make things easier by letting up for even a second.
Once inside, Victoria briefly considers hitting the pause button to discuss boundaries, red lines, safe words… all that good stuff. This is, after all, Kate's first time making it even this far in a relationship, and she wouldn't want to do anything to make the girl uncomfortable. But Kate is already pulling Victoria's partially tucked shirt the rest of the way out from under her chinos, manhandling her back toward the bed before she's even had a chance to kick off her heels. She clearly wants to be in the driver's seat, and at the moment Victoria can't think of anywhere she wouldn't want to go. When it's her turn to drive, Victoria can make sure they stick to the speed limit, but for now…? She's perfectly content to see where this road takes her.
Kate's hands are shaking as she struggles with the buttons of Victoria's top, having only undone the first two by the time the backs of Victoria's legs bump up against the bed. But it's the feel of wetness on Kate's cheeks, the quiet hiccupping in her throat that makes Victoria pull away from her kiss to put her hands on her shoulders.
"Katie…? It's all right, if you're not ready we can stop right here. I swear I won't be…"
"No!" Kate protests, perhaps louder than she meant from the look of embarrassed surprise that crosses her face immediately afterward. Closing her eyes, she says with a shaking voice "I… I want to so much, it's just… I can't believe this is really happening…"
You and me both, sweetheart…
Victoria's smile is slow, and seductive. It's clear to her that Kate's inner freak, always lurking just beneath the surface, is just dying to get out. Only being held back by a thin cage of nerves and hesitation.
Sometimes a bear just needs a little poke before she roars…
"It is real, lapin. I'm right here…" She leans in for a quick kiss, just enough to qualify for a tease. "I'm all yours tonight…" She bites at her lip, trapping it, making the girl whimper before letting it go. She bends lower to nip at the soft flesh where her neck meets her shoulder, once, twice, three times… and can almost feel the frustration beginning to radiate from Kate's skin.
"Now, are you gonna fuck around with those buttons all night…?"
Taking Kate's hand in hers, she manipulates those delicate fingers into taking a firm hold of the open V of her shirt. Victoria watches Kate's widening eyes, locked in rapt attention on their hands as Victoria slowly pulls… straining the next button until it finally comes flying off with a tiny, satisfying pop.
"… Or are you going to take what you want?"
In the span of heartbeats, Victoria can see the nerves, and worry, and doubt fade from Kate's glistening hazel eyes as they harden with confidence. With lust. Reaching up to grasp the other side of her shirt, Kate pulls hard, tearing the remaining buttons right out before sliding the garment off of her shoulders to flutter to the floor.
Kate's hands are already unbuttoning Victoria's chinos before she interrupts her by pulling her frilly top up and over her head, earning an impatient little grunt from Kate in the process. Her chest bare save for the black, front-clasping bra holding the twins at bay, Victoria is wiggling her chinos down past her hips when Kate pushes her onto the bed. Her startled laughter has barely passed her lips before Kate tugs her pants the rest of the way off with one swift motion.
Victoria watches with fascination as Kate slides out of her skirt, the only things covering her pale, lithe body are her unassuming white bra and panties, along with the thigh highs she doesn't bother to take off before slinking onto the bed. Rising up on her elbows, Victoria slowly shimmies backwards, her eyes heavy-lidded and beckoning.
Chase me, Katie. Catch me if you can… and chase Kate does, matching her pace with an expression so appetitive one might think Victoria was the tastiest carrot this little bunny had ever seen.
She knows that Kate, however briefly, has already seen more of her body than this thanks to the shower incident… but this time there's no shock on her face, no turning away almost as fast as she lays eyes on her. This time it's a look of need, of something close to reverence, those hazel eyes roaming over every inch of her. A look that makes Victoria's lips part involuntarily, makes her shiver with anticipation when Kate finally closes the distance.
The shivering doesn't stop when Kate's lips find hers once more, her right hand cupping Victoria's chin as she slides in to half snuggle, half pin Victoria's body with her own. It only intensifies when Kate's tongue probes her mouth, when that same hand slowly slides down to caress the length of her neck, the curve of her shoulder.
Despite this being far from her first time being intimate with someone, it feels… different somehow. Like Victoria is only just now learning how it feels to be kissed, to be touched. Her mind so thick and heavy with the sensations rushing over her that it's all she can do to brush at the smooth skin of Kate's back with her fingertips, or to trace the outline of the stockinged leg that slides up to cover both of her own.
Kate's exploring hand travels low enough to hesitantly, tentatively cup Victoria's breast over the bra. And even a touch as gentle and muted as that is enough to send a powerful shudder throughout her body, causing goosebumps to rise on her flesh. But Kate seems to misread the gasp her touch involuntarily draws from Victoria's throat as one of discomfort, for she hurriedly pulls away, raising up onto her hands and knees with that sudden worry returning to fill her widening eyes. "I'm-I'm sorry, I…"
Her apology is silenced by Victoria darting up to kiss her, again sucking that plump red lip into her mouth and refusing to release it until that hesitation is naught but a distant memory. Grabbing Kate's hand to move it back into its former position, Victoria lies back… making sure the girl sees the heat in her gaze as she whispers "Whatever you want, Katie… anything, everything. The answer is yes."
Kate nods dumbly, leaning back to rest on her knees while bringing her other hand up to join the first. She begins to rub, to caress, to knead Victoria's supple flesh until that primal beast that resides in the pit of her stomach and between her legs positively growls for more. And perhaps Kate can sense her rising desperation, for that metaphorical growl is matched by the rumble that vibrates in her own throat as she unhooks Victoria's bra to fully reveal her chest to the chilly air.
Despite all the experience she's had with various partners over the years, Victoria has never felt more exposed in her life than she does right now. She feels a sudden urge to cover herself, to try to hide any flaws or imperfections the girl may perceive, but she manages to stay her hands… because the way Kate's eyes shimmer with tears, joyful ones this time, and the high-pitched, warbling "ohhhh…!" that escapes her mouth at the sight before her reminds Victoria that this is Katie. Her Katie. And she would never judge her. Never hurt her. So instead, Victoria puts those hands to better use by scratching her fingernails along the fabric of Kate's bra, smiling sultrily as she whines "Not fair…"
Kate hesitates for only a moment before licking her lips and reaching behind her back to unfasten the garment in question. Before she even has a chance to toss it aside, Victoria is cupping Kate's breasts with searching, kneading hands, causing the girl to throw her head back from the force of her pleasured cry as her entire body stiffens under Victoria's touch.
However, if Victoria thought this little stunt would somehow shift her role from touch-ee to touch-er, she was sorely mistaken… for soon enough, Kate grabs those hands and pins them to the bed at Victoria's side, her cry of pleasure transforming into a needful growl as she dives in to practically maul the length of her neck.
While Kate works her way from Victoria's shoulder to her clavicle, those delicate hands that entwine with hers rendering her almost perfectly immobile, Victoria feels helpless in a way that she's surely not accustomed to. But instead of running from this new, unfamiliar sensation, she exults in it. For when she arches her back to bring her chest up to meet Kate's waiting mouth, Victoria has a sudden epiphany… that her dreams and fantasies revolving around Kate were never about dominance or submission… though Victoria certainly wouldn't object if Kate were to whip out the leather restraints or riding crop.
No, what it was really about was being vulnerable. Something she couldn't allow herself to be, was mortally afraid of being in front of anyone else… but also something she can't help being when Kate is involved. Because no matter how much Victoria tries to hide her true, terrified, insecure self from the outside world, those ever-caring, all-knowing hazel eyes have always managed to see her. See right into the deepest, darkest depths of Victoria's soul. And despite all that, Kate has never run from her. Never forsaken her. Whether watching from afar or wrapping her up in a comforting embrace, Kate's only direction with Victoria is forward. Always forward.
Victoria is trapped somewhere between the swell of delicate, fragile emotions roiling through her mind and the pleasure of Kate's fingernails scraping her toned stomach. Of her red lips and warm tongue forming a seal around her nipple. Of Kate's groin pressed firmly into her hip as her leg rhythmically rubs back and forth across Victoria's thighs.
But whatever thoughts and musings that are tumbling about in that overly analytical brain of hers are soon banished, utterly and completely. Victoria's mind going momentarily blank and a cry of pure exultation torn from her lips as that roving hand finally, finally slides its way into her panties.
Kate moans, shuddering at the feel of Victoria's extremely obvious arousal beneath her fingertips. Gazing deeply into her eyes, Kate asks in a hoarse, throaty whisper "Is… is this okay?"
Victoria is certain anyone would agree on that being an absolutely unfair question to ask considering the fact that Kate's fingers have already started moving even before the words left the girl's mouth. Like, seriously? What, is she supposed to calmly debate the pros and cons while twitching and bucking beneath Kate's exploring touch? While the only words she can even remember aside from breathlessly reciting Kate's name are "Oh", "God", and "YES!"
That exposed, vulnerable feeling from before was absolutely nothing compared to this. She can feel the walls she's built to protect herself over the years begin to crumble. Victoria wants to close her eyes, wants to look away, but each time she tries Kate caresses her cheek with her free hand. Bringing her back to those fucking gorgeous eyes, begging her to let Kate see every part of her.
Kate isn't her most experienced lover by a long shot… but it doesn't matter. Because Kate watches every twitch in her eyes, every quiver of her chin, every miniscule reaction to her touch and tempo, experimenting and refining like a conductor leading her orchestra ever closer to a grand crescendo.
"Ka… Katie…" Victoria laughingly stammers between moans. "Whatever… aaah! H-happened… Mmmnnn… to... to waiting…?"
Kate leans in to kiss her. Softly. Sweetly. The pearls that hang from her neck brushing up against Victoria's throat. Rising up a few inches, Victoria can see the sincere, joyous passion in Kate's eyes as she shakes her head. "I don't want to wait anymore… I don't need to wait. Because… you're the only one for me."
Those eyes mesmerize her. While Kate's fingers continue to glide across her… inside of her… all that Victoria can think is that she sees that which she's longed for all this time. Floating and swirling amongst the passion, the lust, and the desire is a warm, familiar, shining glimmer, one that looks a lot like… like…
Sensing how close to the brink Victoria is, Kate's fingers quicken their pace. "You're who I'm meant to be with…"
… like love.
Suddenly, a spike of intense anxiety courses through Victoria's brain. A deep, gnawing fear gripping her heart as she remembers where she saw that kind of look before. When she remembers how that look wasn't actually meant for her.
Kate wets her lips, her eyes beseeching Victoria to climax while she readies the words that Victoria both desperately wants and deeply dreads to hear. But the anxiety is raging into full blown panic now, because this suddenly feels like too much. Too soon. Because if Katie says those words right now it will make them real in her mind, and that's what can hurt her most of all. Because Victoria doesn't know if she can survive it if it turns out to be a lie just like every other time in her life. Her mother. Her father. Nate. Max.
'I love you, Mommy…'
'Hmm? Oh… that's nice, dear.'
No, Katie, don't… Victoria tries to speak but can't. Whether it's from pleasure or terror or a mix of both, her throat is too tight. Her mouth isn't working like it should. So Victoria does the only thing she can to forestall her: she grabs Kate by the pearls around her neck and pulls her down into a blistering kiss.
'It's just you and me against the world, Vic. We'll always have each other's backs.'
'Whatever, Nate. I love you too, even when you're being melodramatic like this.'
She would hold Kate there all night if she could, but she can feel her grip on that necklace weakening. She's close now, so close, the pressure inside of her building and building like a dam on the verge of bursting. She can't even bring herself to cry out in despair when Kate pulls away from her once more.
'Maxine, please…!'
'It was always Chloe… I thought I could prove to myself that I didn't love her anymore.'
"Victoria…" Kate whispers, tears falling from her eyes to splash down onto Victoria's cheeks.
'So, do you have anyone waiting for you back home? Like a boyfriend or...?'
Victoria's own tears roll down to mingle with Kates. Katie, please…
'There's... someone I've had feelings for for a long time, but... I guess you can say it's one sided.'
"I…"
'It's only ever been real for me.'
"I love y…"
"Katie, STOP!" Victoria shouts, planting her hands on Kate's shoulders and pushing with all the strength she can muster. Kate falls backwards to land on her rear end, her eyes widening with shock and confusion while Victoria scrambles backwards as far as she can go.
"Vic… Victoria?" Kate asks, her voice trembling. Afraid. Hurt.
She needs to tell Kate what's wrong, but she can't speak through the sob erupting from her throat. She can't even look at her. So, she does the only thing she can right now. The only thing that she's ever been good for…
Victoria clambers out of bed and runs.
Of course, being that Victoria is in a suite at a near-capacity hotel with her tits out and wearing nothing but her underwear, her options of places she can run to are rather limited. So she makes it as far as the guest bedroom, slamming the door behind her before clapping her hands to her face and sobbing to the sound of Kate's panicked calls from the other side.
"Victoria…?!" Kate cries, urgently rapping her knuckles on the door between them. "Did… did I do something wrong?"
She can hear the barely suppressed sob in Kate's own voice, the fear that she messed up somehow, that Victoria is hurt and it's all her fault. And Victoria hates herself for it, for being like this. She was right all along, Kate deserves so much better than to be with a fucking disaster like her, who can't even make love to someone without freaking out mid-coitus like a total lunatic just because she heard the "L"-word. How messed up is it that she was down for every filthy thing Kate's mind could have come up with and more besides, but can't handle being told how she feels.
Especially when she wants Kate to love her. She wants it so much right now, but she just can't make herself believe it. Because why would Kate or anyone love someone like her? She's selfish, egotistical, immature. Someone who has built their entire life around crafting the pretense of perfection when she can barely keep herself together at the best of times… and who hasn't cared about who she hurt in the process of keeping that false image alive.
"I'm… I'm coming in, alright?" Kate hesitantly says after Victoria fails to respond. Victoria doesn't try to stop her, she just moves as far away as the walls will allow when the door clicks open a few moments later. She can hear the shuffling of Kate's stocking-clad feet against the carpet as she steps inside, stopping a few feet behind her. She can also hear the hurt, verging on devastation in her voice when she finally speaks again.
"Victoria, please talk to me. Tell me what I did… whatever it is, I'm sorry. I'm so sorr—"
She doesn't want to face Kate, to let the girl see her shame, but she can't take it anymore. Kate didn't do anything wrong. It's not right for her to feel guilty when this is all Victoria's fault. Rounding on her quickly enough to startle Kate into taking a half-step backwards, Victoria tries to choke out the jumble of thoughts raging through her mind. "Don't… don't say things like that…" she practically wails. "You shouldn't… I don't…"
Kate stands before her in the darkened room, her lower lip trembling and her cheeks stained with tears. Her hair is a mess, having mostly come loose from her braid by now to spill down her back and over her shoulders. She clutches Victoria's burgundy top tightly to her chest, the hem hanging down to cover her legs nearly to the knee. It was likely the closest thing she could find to cover herself in her panicked rush to follow her in here. A look of pained confusion crosses her face, her mouth moving as though she's silently repeating Victoria's words in an effort to decipher their meaning.
"You… you mean that I love you?" Kate finally asks, holding her free hand out in a placating fashion when Victoria sobs again at the sound of those words. "But… I do! I don't understand why you…"
"Because it doesn't make sense, Katie!" Victoria shouts, far more angrily than she means to… not that she can help herself, regardless. The rage and self-hatred is in full effect, now, and it's taking everything she has not to lash out at the girl in front of her. "Because I don't deserve it, I don't deserve YOU!"
Despite flinching at the tone of her voice, Kate doesn't back down. Instead, she takes a slow, hesitant step forward, wearing that same frown of empathetic determination she wore the last time Victoria tried to push her away.
"That's not true. Of course you deserve to be loved. You might not see it, but I do… because I see you, the real you, remember? Like the sunflower to the sun, I'm always watching you, counting the moments until you bring more light and warmth to my life. I know you make mistakes sometimes… maybe more than other people. And sometimes you do unkind things. But that doesn't matter, because I love you no matter what."
Victoria shakes her head, refusing to believe what she's hearing. Refusing to acknowledge the way her heart tries to soar every time Kate says it. Because that knife is still buried deep, feeling like it's twisted inside of her every time she dares to hope. "You don't, Katie… you might think you do but it's… it's too new. It's not real. You've been going through so much stress and pain that I think you're confusing me with… with the person you really love."
Kate's jaw drops open, and when Victoria sees that realization on her face, that guilt and epiphany suddenly filling her eyes, she braces herself. For Kate to admit she's right. For the long, awkward drive back to Arcadia Bay tomorrow, after which Kate will figure out that Victoria is more trouble than she's worth. She tells herself its better this way, that maybe Kate can focus on getting the help she needs if she's not worried about her all the time.
But there's no amount of bracing that could prepare Victoria for the words Kate says next.
"Victoria… there's no one but you. I've been in love with you since I was thirteen years old."
Victoria's train of thought comes to a screeching halt, her mind grasping and sputtering with the effort to process what she just heard. "I don't… I don't understand…"
"I… I'm so sorry, if I knew that you... I should have told you this before. I wanted to, but every time I've tried to talk about…" Kate closes her eyes and takes a deep, steadying breath before opening them again. "I didn't just see myself die in my dreams, Victoria. I also saw you. Every time, I would be standing on the roof of the dorms and there would be a crowd below me, and I'd look through their faces and… and you were there. And when I jumped… you were the last thing I saw. The last thing I heard was you calling out 'Katie.'"
Victoria shakes her head harder this time, the tears welling up to blur her vision. This isn't like it was with Max and Chloe. This is so much worse.
"No… Please, no…" she breathlessly begs.
But Kate continues as though she doesn't hear her. From the faraway look in Kate's eyes, perhaps she doesn't. "For the longest time I didn't understand what they meant. I guess I still don't… all I knew for sure is the way I started to feel whenever I had them. It was so scary… but after a while, I started to look forward to them. Because it meant I got to see you. Someone who cared about me… who cried for me, who would miss me when I was gone. And at some point I realized that I wasn't scared of those dreams anymore, even though I died in them, because that was the only time I didn't feel so alone all the time. I began to truly believe that these dreams were visions from God… and you were my angel, sent by Him to comfort me. To be there for me when the time came to carry me home."
This is wrong. This is all fucking wrong. Victoria wants to run, to scream, to do anything to stop this. To not have to hear what Kate is telling her. To not have to feel her heart break all over again.
Kate sniffles, swiping at her damp cheeks. "After I woke up, I couldn't remember your face… not exactly. No matter how hard I tried, how desperate I was, thinking about it was like looking through a camera that was out of focus. That's… that's why when we met in the hallway that day, I didn't realize at first that it was you. Something about the way my heart would beat when you were nearby, or the way my knees would get weak when you looked at me was so familiar, and yet I didn't put two and two together until I saw you on that first morning of class... and suddenly it all clicked into place. Everything about you, your hair, clothes, make-up… it was like the memories of my dreams suddenly came into focus, and I just knew. You were my angel."
Kate laughs sardonically through her tears. "You know, it's kind of funny... I was already starting to fall for you before that. And I felt so guilty for it, like… like I was cheating on the girl from my dreams. Before I realized that you were one and the same."
There it is…
Victoria knows this feeling all too well. It's the second time she's felt it just this week. It's the feeling of the ground coming out from underneath her. It's the feeling of her life, held together by nothing more than scotch tape and elmer's glue by this point, falling apart… for good this time. She doesn't need that voice, the one that personifies her fear, her anxiety, her self-loathing to tell her what's happening here. Not that it's going to stop her, of course.
You knew all along that this was to good to be true. You just didn't know why.
It's because she doesn't love you. She loves some idealized version of you.
A construct of her mental illness that just happens to wear your face.
I mean, fuck, Vic… this just isn't your week, is it?
First you lose Max to a dead girl…
Now you're playing second-fiddle to a goddamn figment of Kate's imagination.
"That's…" Victoria strains to force her words through a throat clenched so tightly she can hardly breathe. "That's not…"
Victoria can see it in Kate's eyes now… the realization that she's wigging out, on the verge of spiraling out of control. Is that empathy in those eyes? Or is it pity? Kate tries to close the distance between them, but Victoria throws out her arms to keep her at bay.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she wails, her own eyes hard. Warning. Wounded. "That's NOT me, Katie! THAT'S NOT ME!"
She had it backwards. All this time, it was Kate who was the flame, bright, and inviting, and warm. And Victoria was the moth, cursed with just enough intelligence to know how dangerous that fire was, but too goddamn stupid to stop herself from flying right into the heart of it all the same. And now all that was left was to burn, burn, burn until nothing but ash remains.
But Kate, her jaw tightly set, firm resolve showing on her tear-stained face, pushes right through Victoria's flailing arms to wrap her up into a warm, crushing hug. The shirt she was holding fluttering down to pool around their feet as Kate presses her body tightly to Victoria's.
"Victoria, please let me finish!" she pleads into Victoria's ear, squeezing her as though she is her anchor in the middle of a swirling tornado. "After that… being able to be near you, the real you… to see you right in front of me, to hear you laugh and the sound of your voice every day… it was like a miracle. But as the days went on something started to feel wrong. I didn't know what it was, just that something was off somehow… until that day in the courtyard, when I was having tea with Stella and you took my picture. The way you smiled at me, Victoria, I never knew something could feel so good. It wasn't until that night when I had another one of my dreams that I figured out what was different. When I woke up, I just knew that it didn't matter whether dying was something I wanted or God wanted for me… because I realized that no matter what, I didn't want to leave you."
Victoria tries to struggle, tries to escape Kate's comforting grip… but it's no use. She can feel the energy drain from her body with every squeeze of those deceptively strong arms. Every nuzzle of Kate's chin to her shoulder. Every syllable of the girl's sweet voice.
"I realized, that what I felt all those years for the girl in my dreams… it wasn't love. Not really, because you made me see what love really is. What I felt before may have been a crush… or… or infatuation. But it was mostly an excuse to believe it was okay to kill myself, because when I did someone would be waiting to give me everything I ever wanted. But how could that be true when everything I wanted was already right there in front of me, living in the room next door, eating at the same cafeteria, and sitting across from me in photography class?"
Victoria wants to speak but can't, because she knows when she opens her mouth she's going to start sobbing all over again. She's caught in a desperate battle between fragile hope and callous pessimism, between the kindness and love being whispered into her ear and the enraged shrieking of the bitch that lives in her mind. When Kate asks if Victoria remembers what she said about people lining up in the hall for the chance to date her, all she can do is shake her head.
"You said I wouldn't want you to be my doorman, because you could be 'very selective.' And the way you blushed when you said it, the way your voice wavered… I knew you meant that the only person you'd allow to date me was you. And just knowing that… that you saw me that way. That even some small part of you wanted to be with me… it made me so happy I almost cried. Don't you see, Victoria? The girl from my dreams… she made me feel like it was okay to die. But you make me want to live. To see another smile, or frown, or smirk… to hear the way you say my name, or to feel your eyes on me. My God, Victoria, every time you look at me I can feel it, like… like this warmth on my skin. If that's not proof that we're meant to be together, then what is?"
"That's not… I can't…" Victoria manages to force out between hiccupping sobs. "What if… I fuck it up… hurt you or… or get drunk and cheat on you… or…"
Don't you get it you stupid fucking WHORE? You'll KILL her. You KNOW what those voices were.
You ALREADY killed her. She's fucking DEAD because of you. You're going to do it AGAIN.
"I know that, Victoria… I know that you can't be the only reason I'm alive. That wouldn't be fair to you. But even if something happens, even if we can't be together anymore, you've already helped me see how much life is worth living because dreams really can come true. That even if it's hard, or painful, or scary more often than not… I can still be happy. I can become an artist, I can play violin… I can find a way to give my own life meaning."
Kate is starting to break down now, choking on her words as she pulls away just far enough to let Victoria see the look in her eyes. See the truth in them. A truth that can't be undermined, or argued against. One that strangles out that voice of doubt in her mind until it's little more than an annoyed, incessant buzzing between her ears.
"I don't… know if what I experienced… was just dreams, or something that could happen in the future, or… something else. All I know is that if that girl was here right now, wings and halo and all… I would choose you. Because I love you. You're my angel, Victoria. And… and you can push me away, if that's what you really want. But no matter what happens, I'm going to make sure you know that I'll always be there for you. I will always love you."
"I'm sorry…" Victoria cries, burying her face in Kate's hair. "I'm so sorry… tonight was supposed to be perfect, and I… I…"
But Kate just shakes her head, her face lighting up with that beautiful, beaming smile of hers. "It is perfect, Victoria. Because I'm with you."
Snorting in an attempt to clear her airways, Victoria sulks "I b-bet you're not used to not being the crazy one in the relationship, huh…"
"Oh yeah," Kate says, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Definitely giving me second thoughts, here. I don't know if I can handle all the drama…"
Kate leans up to kiss her, then. And it's soft, and slow. The sweet taste of Kate's mouth mixed with the salty flavor of their intermingling tears. And though a shaky, high-pitched whimper escapes Victoria's lips every time she parts them, though her back is racked with silent sobs, she doesn't try to run from it.
Because… she's finally starting to believe. Not necessarily that she's an angel… unless, of course, Kate is referring to the kind of angels that crush buildings beneath their feet in an effort to destroy Tokyo-3. She believes that Kate truly does love her. And that feel's a whole lot like everything Victoria has ever wanted.
With their nearly naked bodies pressed tightly together, Kate's fingernails lightly scratch her back in long, calming circles as they kiss. And with each pass the heave of Victoria's shoulders lessens. Her whimpering voice quiets. The fall of her tears slows. When they finally pull away, just enough to rest their foreheads against each other, Victoria gives her a shaky, sniffling laugh.
"W-while we're in the spirit of full disclosure, Katie… you should probably know that when I really want to beat myself up, I hear this voice in my head… my voice, like my conscience or whatever. And she likes to tell me how much I suck. How I don't deserve to be… l-loved. Especially by someone like… like you."
Kate regards her with wet, shimmering eyes full of affection. Adoration. Reverence. Kindness. Empathy. The very look she has given her so many times before, that Victoria has been too afraid to call for what it is… love. And then, with a smile that perhaps conveys the slightest touch of deviousness, she reaches up… and raps her knuckles against the side of Victoria's skull.
Shocked as she is, it takes Victoria a long moment before she can stammer out "B… bitch… did you just knock on my head?"
But Kate is leaning close, her gaze now taking on a reproachful gleam. And Victoria quickly realizes that Kate isn't looking into her eyes, exactly, but through them. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, Kate is peering all the way down into the basement.
"Hey, you in there?" Kate calls, her voice stern, commanding. "I don't know what your problem is, but you will leave Victoria alone. She's mine, now, and I won't let you hurt her anymore."
It's ridiculous. Perhaps the silliest thing anyone has ever said to Victoria's face, certainly the silliest thing said this close to Victoria's face. And Kate is giggling a little before she even finishes her sentence… but even still, it makes the tears well up in Victoria's eyes all over again. Tears of relief. Of contentment. Of joy at the knowledge that she does belong to Kate, now, all of her… just as Kate is offering every bit of herself to Victoria. She laughs, a laugh that turns into a sigh as they start kissing again. And again. And again.
Kate gently guides her back to the bed, kissing her all the way there. Breaking the kisses only to whisper "I love you" all over again. And soon enough they're lying next to each other, facing one another, Victoria feeling like she is letting herself be washed away by the tenderness of Kate's lips. The affectionate stroke of Kate's hand on her side. The reassurance of those words that so terrified her minutes ago, now repeated like a mantra.
"I love you."
"I love you."
"I love you so much…"
Victoria feels as though she's weightless, floating in a calm, tranquil sea of Kate's love. But when she finally pulls away to tearfully murmur "Please, don't…", she can see the worry fill Kate's eyes all over again. Worry that changes to surprise when Victoria grabs Kate's hand and slowly moves it between her legs once more.
"… don't stop," Victoria finishes, her eyes hooded with need, pleading for Kate's touch. It is clear from Kate's face that she did not expect anything more to happen tonight, that she was content with the notion of holding Victoria close and soothing her until they both fell asleep at last. But now that ember of desire is reigniting within Kate, this time not the animal lust of before, more a yearning for quiet intimacy… for oneness.
Victoria sighs contentedly when that hand begins to explore her, this time able to savor every minute, deliberate movement. Meeting Kate's eyes every time their mouths part, intense, compassionate hazel eyes that promise she will be gentle, that she won't hurt her. Victoria's breathing quickening to soft, staccato gasps as Kate finds her rhythm. The bed beneath her, the walls around her, the world itself falling away, those delicate fingertips becoming the very center of the universe. Every stroke sending electric jolts throughout her body while the pressure builds within her. Every press of Kate's lips and flick of her tongue banishing the anxiety and fear that grips her. Every whispered profession of love like a sledgehammer against the walls that surround Victoria's heart.
She can't think of anything else but Kate. Her fingers. Her lips. Her tongue. Kate's breasts pressed to her own. Her loving heart. Her beautiful soul. Her eyes, dear fucking God those eyes.
Kate. Kate. Kate. Kate. KATE.
Kate kisses Victoria while she comes, seemingly trying to capture her tear-soaked cries as the waves of pleasure wash over her. Victoria has never before experienced a rush so intense, so unrestrained, so unguarded, her every molecule vibrating as it pulses throughout her very being. Victoria can no longer sense the distinction between her body and mind, can no longer quite tell where herself ends and Kate begins. And despite the fact that Victoria isn't touching her lover save to claw at her back in an effort to pull her in ever tighter, she can still feel Kate's body tense and begin to shake in unison with her own.
When their lips finally part, when Victoria finally opens her eyes once more, the look of pure, contented bliss on Kate's face, as though she wants or needs for nothing else save for this very moment, as though her every prayer has finally been answered, makes her want to cry all over again. And in this moment, she knows, a truth which is self-evident, one that leaves no more room for doubt or hesitation. One that leaves her with nothing more than to speak it aloud, to make it real.
"I love you, Katie."
They are the words Victoria has feared to speak even more than to hear, yet somehow they no longer seem sufficient. As though she cannot begin to convey the depth of emotion behind them, or the monumental, paradigm shift that those words represent for her. But from the wet shimmer of Kate's eyes, the quiver of her red lips that press tightly together as she nods, she knows. She knows.
Her next words come out in a rushed, pleading sob, as though erupting unbidden from the most fragile parts of Victoria's soul.
"Please don't disappear… please don't leave me all alone…"
"Never," Kate assures her, her own tears beginning to fall anew. "I promise… for as long as you want me, I'll always be with you."
Part of Victoria can hardly believe it still. Can't begin to understand why someone as good as Kate would love someone like her. But it doesn't matter anymore. She doesn't need to understand it. All she needs is to stop fighting it, stop hiding from it. To entrust her heart to Kate's gentle care.
And besides… even if she doesn't deserve her, what does that matter? Kate loves her, all of her, and knowing how stubborn the girl is, it's not something likely to change anytime soon. So, all Victoria can do now is earn it. Be better. Try hard every single day to be the kind of woman that's worthy of Kate's love.
Maybe she's crazy. Maybe they both are. But, if that's the case… Victoria figures they'll just have to be crazy together.
Victoria leans in for another kiss, and this time what starts off slow and shaky steadily grows in passion. In a hunger of her own, a thirst that must be quenched. Victoria rolls over on top of the girl who has so deftly torn down her defenses, her heart thrumming to the sound of the little squeaks and hums of desire that rise in Kate's throat.
As much as Victoria loved the feeling of Kate taking control, right now she needs something more. Because if Victoria is her angel, then Kate is a fucking Goddess. Of kindness. Of redemption. Of love.
And it's Victoria's turn to worship.
"Do you trust me, Katie?" Victoria murmurs, her lips brushing Kate's with every movement.
"Yes…" Kate sighs into her waiting mouth, her tongue seeking Victoria's between the syllables. "Yes…"
"Then close your eyes…" Victoria softly commands, sliding off of Kate to kneel at her side. And though a look of nervous anticipation fills those eyes, Kate obeys without question. Victoria follows suit, running her hands up and down the length of her own body. Remembering every detail of Kate's touch. Savoring the whirlwind of emotions swirling through her heart and mind. When she opens her eyes once more, she channels every ounce of that passion, that lust, that love through her gaze and directly onto Kate's closed eyelids.
Victoria isn't sure if what Kate said earlier was meant to be literal or metaphorical… but she's damned sure about to find out.
Kate gasps sharply, her eyes moving rapidly back and forth behind her lids as though it is taking all of her willpower to keep them shut.
"Can you feel me, Katie?"
"Y-yes…" The girl nods quickly, wetting her parted lips with that soft, pink tongue. "It… It's warmer than… n-normal…"
"Follow me, Katie…" Victoria focuses on a single lid, then in a smooth, slow motion, she allows her gaze to travel downward. Passing over the bag beneath her eye that seems so much lighter now than it did a couple of days ago, before finally pausing to linger on her right cheek bone.
Kate bites her lip and raises a shaking hand up to her face, lightly pressing her fingertips, the very fingers that were inside of Victoria just minutes ago, to her eyelid before slowly moving them to follow the exact same path.
No way… that's… that's not possible, right…?
She had noted on many an occasion how Kate always seemed to know when Victoria watched her. How no matter what the girl was doing at the time, be it engrossed in drawing, or listening to the teacher, or chatting and laughing with her friends from across the courtyard, she would always pause and turn to seek Victoria out. Would always flash that brilliant, beaming smile that made Victoria's heart pound and ache at the same time.
Sure, it was uncanny, but Victoria never put too much thought into it. She'd chalked it up to Kate just having really good instincts for knowing when she's being watched. But something like this…
Millimeter by millimeter, Victoria blazes a trail with her eyes across that flushed, rosy cheek. And sure enough, those fingertips follow close behind. Kate's breath quickens when they arrive at her upper lip, slowly traveling the length of it and back again in lockstep with Victoria's focus… only to pull at her full, sumptuous bottom lip when they move down to repeat the process. Her body shuddering as that pink tongue darts out again to taste Victoria on her lips and fingers.
Holy fucking shit. This… this is bad. Not for Victoria, not even remotely, but for Kate. Because if this is real Victoria is absolutely going to abuse the fuck out of it every chance she gets.
Seriously straining the limits of her patience, Victoria dips her gaze over Kate's chin, meandering down her neck, along the way tracing the smears and swirls of the lipstick she'd left behind earlier in the evening. Kate's breathing is getting harder now, dutifully shadowing Victoria as she crosses her collar-bone. Her entire chest flushing bright red with arousal as it rises and falls ever faster beneath Victoria's hungry stare.
"Hnnn…!" Kate moans loud in response to Victoria's eyes arriving at the swell of her breast… climbing, climbing, climbing until they finally land at the summit of her rapidly hardening nipple.
Jesus Christ. Fuck flying or shooting webs out of her ass or whatever, this could very well be the best super-power ever.
She reaches out to trap Kate's hand there, telling her without words to stay. To touch. To tease just as Victoria is teasing herself with her other hand.
"Vic… Victoria…" Kate is panting by the time Victoria finally relinquishes her chest to traverse her rib-cage, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind as the heat of her gaze travels the length of that deliciously white stomach. Victoria finally allows her anxious hands to cease their roaming of her own person in order to scoop them underneath Kate's legs, raising her knees up as she repositions herself in line with Kate's shivering body. Her fingernails lightly scrape Kate's flesh as she removes one stocking, then the other. Then, reaching up to her hips, Victoria causes Kate to gasp aloud as she begins to slide her cotton panties down her pale thighs, her knees, her calves.
You're mine… You're MINE now, Katie, and I want it ALL.
Unleashing a deep, animal groan of pure need, Victoria spreads Kate's legs.
"Victoria…!" Kate wails in frustration when Victoria's eyes skip from her hip down to her right inner thigh, her hands falling to her sides to clutch at the bedsheets beneath them. Victoria is practically hyperventilating with the effort of restraining herself from hurrying her gaze as it moves slowly, agonizingly slowly up… up… up…
"Oh God!" Kate cries, writhing beneath Victoria's blistering stare when it reaches her womanhood at long, long last. As Victoria quite literally makes love to Kate with her eyes. Ravishes Kate with her eyes. "S… So hot!"
This is incredible. Victoria wants to see how far she can take it, but... she just can't hold herself back any longer, the heat and yearning within her nearly having reached a boiling point. With a ravenous moan of her own, Victoria dives in to join her lips with the inside of Kate's left thigh just below the knee. Making sure to keep her eyes on the prize until her mouth can take over, Victoria leisurely makes her way further inward, eliciting ever more vocal responses from her lover with each kiss, each lick, each bite that leaves the impressions of her teeth behind on Kate's pale skin.
Victoria pauses moments before arriving at her final destination, causing Kate to pitifully whine when she closes her eyes.
"Are… are you sure you want this, Katie? From… from me?" she asks, despite how ridiculous the question sounds to her own ears. Despite knowing that there really is no turning back at this point. She just needs to hear the words one last time.
She feels soft fingers brushing at her cheek, and when she opens her eyes she is met with a stare more loving, more adoring, more certain than she has ever before seen. Having risen up on one elbow, a single tear rolls down Kate's cheek as she throatily whispers "I'm yours, Victoria… I will always be yours."
Having to choke back a sob of utter relief, of utter happiness, Victoria's lips tremble as she finally lowers herself to join with Kate. And while she tastes Kate… while she allows herself to slowly get lost in the very essence of Kate… while Victoria smoothly works her lips and tongue to the sound of Kate calling out God's name, calling out Victoria's name, again and again and again… she knows.
Victoria knows without a shadow of doubt that everything, all the pain, the isolation, the confusion, the anxiety, the fear, the doubt, the betrayal, the guilt, the self-destruction, every terrible thing in her life leading up to this very moment… it was all worth it. She knows that she would go through it all again, a hundred times if she had to, for just one more taste. One more touch. One more exultant cry of Kate's passion.
And when Kate's hips jolt upwards, pressing herself into Victoria's mouth as her entire body quivers, as she shouts with sweet release, as her abdominal muscles tense hard under Victoria's waiting palms… she finally understands the whole celibacy thing. Of waiting for the one you're meant to be with. Because if she had to give up every single one of the sexual encounters she's had before just to experience this, she would take that trade in a heartbeat. Even if it was the last time, even if it meant taking a fucking vow of celibacy afterwards, she would do it.
But, thankfully, her Goddess does not appear too keen on requesting such a vow. For when her body quiets, when her trembling ceases and Victoria returns to her worshipping with even more vigor than before, there is not a note of protest in Kate's resurgent, ecstatic moaning.
Victoria settles in for a long night ahead of her. After all, she's lead a less than devout life up to this point, so she figures she has a lot of praying left to do.
Sunday, October 13th, 2013
Kate blissfully dozes in Victoria's arms, the little spoon to Victoria's bigger. With her breasts pressed firmly into Kate's back, the girl's cute little butt snuggled into her crotch, Victoria grins with smug satisfaction. She had gotten so lost in tasting Kate earlier that it took the girl tugging on her hair, laughingly begging her to stop before finally giving her, and Victoria's own aching jaw, a much-needed break.
As it turned out, however, it was less borne from a lack of stamina on Kate's end and more a desire to turn the tables, to at last take her opportunity to show Victoria the depths of her own desire. And show her she did, if the hickeys and bite marks left behind are anything to go by. It seemed that in much the same way Victoria possessively clasped those pearls around her neck, Kate staked her own claim on every inch of Victoria… just opting to use her mouth in lieu of jewelry. Not that Victoria is complaining, mind you… just the thought of walking around campus with the evidence of Kate's lust on full display makes her wet all over again.
Victoria takes a quick peek over the girl's head to glance at the clock on the nearby nightstand. 12:04 AM. Grinning wolfishly, she slides her hands up to cup Kate's breasts. She smirks as Kate stirs with a happy sigh, her own body reacting instantly to the feel of Kate's nipples stiffening against her palms.
"Mmmm…" Kate hums in a way that says 'I'm sleepy but keep doing that thing you're doing please.'
Victoria nips at Kate's earlobe before cooing "Hey Sleeping Beauty… it's after midnight. See? You haven't turned into a pumpkin yet."
Kate lifts her head to blearily blink at the clock before giggling. "Wrong fairy tale… you're thinking of Cinderella. Also, the pumpkin turned into a horse-drawn carriage, not a princess."
"Whatever. Fuck fairy tales, I don't need a bunch of old dudes telling me all my problems can be solved by getting a man."
"They're not all like that, but… you're right that children's stories tend to not be very inclusive when it comes to female empowerment… or sexual orientation. Maybe… maybe that's something I can help with my own books someday…"
"… Really? Kate, that sounds amazing." Victoria isn't sure if the lump forming in her throat is because of someone with Kate's religious and family background talking about writing LGBT-inclusive books, or because the girl that had to be talked down from the ledge just three short days ago is lying in her arms making long-term plans. Probably both.
"So, what happened to 'not knowing for sure if you're a… a…'"
"A lesbian?" Kate says sassily, almost as though proving to Victoria that she can actually say it out loud. "I figured that would go without saying at this point… I mean, what would you call what we've been doing for the last few hours?"
"I dunno…" Victoria shrugs. "Research for your children's book?"
Kate barks out a scandalized laugh. "Victoria, stop!"
With a devilish grin, Victoria takes her words literally by removing her hands from the girl's breasts. Forcing Kate to turn her head to give her an indignant pout before using her own hands to move them right back into place. As a sign of contrition, Victoria pulls Kate tightly into her while craning her head up to soothe those pouty lips with a soft, sensuous kiss.
She cocks a questioning eyebrow when Kate interrupts the kiss with another giggle. "Um, 'scuse you, but Dating Insecure Girls part two: laughing at our kissing abilities will give us a complex…"
"It's not that… I just realized we never used any of Stella's condoms." Kate says with a wink.
"Shit! You're right… and TBH I'm pretty sure you might have knocked me right the Hell up after that last thing you did to me…"
Raising an eyebrow of her own, Kate asks "Victoria… do… do we need to talk about the birds and the bees? I mean, I know my parents kept me out of health class in middle school, but what's your excuse?"
"Whatever, bitch. You wouldn't scoff at the idea if you read the right kind of fanfic. Trust me, despite appearances to the contrary you definitely just proved you're Alpha enough to pull it off."
Kate begins to twist and squirm in Victoria's arms to face her, making the cutest little squeaks and grunts of exertion along the way. Face to face at last, Kate presses their foreheads together. Then, reaching down to run her hand along the tanned skin of Victoria's stomach, Kate whispers "Well… if… if I did manage to get you pregnant, then I promise I'll take responsibility for the both of you."
"Damn straight you will! My lawyers eat deadbeat moms for breakfast. You'd have to write twenty best-sellers just to cover the child support after I was done with you."
Kate laughs, that soft, melodic sound that is music to Victoria's ears. Then, cutting her eyes up to Victoria's, Kate chews at her lip before hesitantly asking "Hey… angel?"
"Y-yeah?" Victoria can feel her face burning hot at the realization that she was just given a pet name for the first time in her life.
Her cheeks flushing to match, Kate lustily murmurs "Since you compared me to a carriage earlier… does… does that mean you want another ride?"
Victoria cackles long and hard at that. Dear God, how can one girl be so perfect?
"Hmm… don't mind if I do. I mean, the woods are lovely, dark and deep…"
Grabbing onto a fistful of Kate's hair as she goes in for another kiss, the pair of them begin to push and tussle to see which one of them will end up on top this time. Not that it matters all that much in the end, since one thing inevitably leads to another… and another… and another. Between giggles and gasps and moans and full-throated, toe-curling screams, Victoria makes a mental note to load up on coffee in the morning… the words of Robert Frost playing in her mind.
And miles to go before I sleep…