And now, dear Readers, we reach the point in the story where I will have to make some revisions to make it match my other (unfinished) fic, Changing: A Love Story. To simplify matters, I am going to start posting chapters from Changing on to get a handle on the whole question of Edward's mind-reading gift (and get myself in a way of writing again). I have never accepted the idea that Edward was okay with having so many voices hammering in his brain at once. I can think of few things more disturbing. The person chewing gum in the library is enough to render me ballistic. For the record, I assumed that Carlisle had been abreast of all the currents in psychology and even had him working in state hospitals in an AU feckle and I created. As for all the science, I tried reading the Twilight wiki page that explains everything and my eyes just glazed over. I am a Humanities student; I understand the history of science and not the scientific details themselves. I clearly remember getting my first C in high school physics and crying with relief when my undergraduate adviser told me that History of Science would fulfill the science credit requirement.
Into the fire we go!
~ Pace is the trick
If you review and ask questions, it will make me very happy :)
Chapter 17
Absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment.
Two Gentlemen of Verona (Act III, Scene i), William Shakespeare (or whoever)
He was suspended, weightless, in the dark water, unable to find his way out. One minute he was arguing with Aro, and the next he had tumbled in here! He thought he heard the familiar voice calling after him, but the pull of the tide was too strong and he had suddenly become so very tired. It was easier just to let go and slip further below the surface. At first, he reminded himself to look for the refracted light that he thought should be above him, to keep an eye on the way back, for he knew it was very easy to get lost when one is falling through darkness. But he must have already sunk too far below the surface for he couldn't see anything above or even around him.
And then he realized he wasn't at all worried about being lost. It no longer mattered that he might not get out because he was so very comfortable drifting around the empty sea, rocking to and fro with the steady undertow; the lulling motion of the heavy water gently tumbling him this way and that was very relaxing and he was perfectly content to stay here forever. Anyway, he had nothing he wanted to get back to.
He wasn't sure how long he had been floating or how deep he was as he passed nothing with which to mark either the time or his progress. It was only the point at which he first sensed the other being near him that served as a marker, and everything after that could be counted in his rapid, shallow breaths.
She was in here with him! He couldn't see her, but he could smell and sense her long before he heard her thin, childish voice. He closed his eyes tight, terrified that he might see her.
"Edward! I knew I would find you here!" She laughed happily.
He wanted to run away, but he had no control over his limbs, and it was pointless to try to run through the water anyway. It was so thick it held him fast, and he couldn't see anything in front of him. He thought if he lay very still, she might not notice him in the blackness. But she was too clever for that! He felt her hand on his arm and he sobbed to himself, knowing what was coming. Her beautiful face was quite close to his, he could feel her warm breath caressing his skin, and she was very gentle when she cradled his head in her hands and said, "I told you we would meet again!"
He tried to turn away, but she held him tight. "Come," she commanded, taking his hand and pulling him through the darkness. "There is so much for you to see."
Confused, all the more so because the pain he anticipated never came, he allowed her to lead him still deeper into the water.
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Caius did not return until the following week.
Carlisle had been anxiously pacing his cell the entire time; his nerves were in tatters.
"You won't be happy with the news," the Voltur fretted.
"What?" Fear gripped him. Of late, Carlisle always assumed the worst.
"He seems… We think... It appears that he has gone into shock. Or, something like that." Caius was irritated by the inconvenience of it all.
"He what?" Vampires do not go into shock, the doctor reminded himself sternly.
"Something has happened and the best guess is that he is unconscious. He is currently lying senseless in bed and no one can make heads or tails of it. Aro has consulted everyone he can think of and no one can help. We've never seen anything like this before." Caius sighed, exasperated with yet another wrench in the works.
"I need to see him. Now! I can help." He could feel the panic rising.
"Now that is what I said! 'It only makes sense to bring in the vampire doctor.' And Aro hasn't exactly said nooooo. But..." Caius stared at him intently. "We have a small problem."
"What?" Carlisle was not in the mood for delays.
"You know entirely too much about this situation. You aren't supposed to know where you are or what is happening. I am not supposed to have contact with you -"
"Oh for God's sake, Caius, I won't say anything! I'll do whatever you ask! Just please take me to him now!"
"You are not supposed to have any knowledge that Aro knows where you are and vice versa. So that complicates things." He pursed his lips. "The only thing I can think of is to somehow bring you in surreptitiously while Aro decides how he wants to handle you."
"Yes, please, Caius, whatever we need to do. Please, just take me to him!"
"I'll have to see which guards have been assigned to him tonight -" He wasn't happy about the risk, but didn't see any other option.
"Please, and hurry!" Carlisle's skin was crawling with apprehension.
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Cloaked and hooded, Carlisle followed them soundlessly through the back passageways of the castle, the floors strewn with detritus attesting to their prolonged period of disuse. Out of habit, he mentally noted where he was and in what direction he was traveling, though he knew it would serve no purpose. With Edward in their clutches, he had no reason to contemplate escape.
He had been startled, and a bit fearful if truth be told, to discover Caius' chosen escorts for the mission were Alec and Demetri. He had always considered them part of Aro's inner circle, but he did not question his guide, and neither did the latter offer any information. They moved swiftly and silently in formation, slipping undetected to the third floor, where they emerged from the narrow hallway into an equally cramped room. A large window looked out into his former chambers, and he realized that he was on the other side of the mirror Aro had used to spy on him. He felt a surge of anger towards both himself and the man who had lured them there. But then he gasped and his mind focused on the only thing that truly mattered to him.
On the other side of the mirror, Edward was curled up on the bed, seemingly fast asleep to any outside (human) observer.
Carlisle leaped towards the mirror to go through it, and just as quickly two pairs of hands moved to restrain him.
"The door, Carlisle." Caius reminded him, cocking an eyebrow.
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She left him in the dark water to mull over the unsettling things she had planted in his mind. He wished he could block them out, but there was nowhere for him to go and nothing else to distract him from watching them over and over again. He had been so peaceful drifting in the quiet depths before she came! Now, as her visions came to life and danced menacingly around him, circling closer and closer to provoke him into action, he simply wanted to escape.
He looked around for a way out, and found nothing but vast empty space. He was angry with himself for not paying attention when he started to fall. He realized that he could spend years or even centuries wandering the empty ocean and never find his way back. He was on the verge of becoming extremely upset when he suddenly realized he could see a circle of light in the distance, as if at the end of the tunnel, and that he could hear someone saying his name.
Carlisle! He breathed a huge sigh of relief, and tried to pull himself together to run towards him. And then he frowned when he realized that he wasn't sure how to move in that direction. When he was falling, the weight of the water dragged him under. When he was following Jane, she had pulled him. But he was completely at a loss for how to make himself travel by his own accord towards his destination. He grumbled, a little discontented, but no longer worried.
He trained his eyes on the light and waited. He knew Carlisle would find him eventually.
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"Edward!" He breathed, pulling him into his arms. "Edward!" He covered his face with a thousand kisses.
The searing pain created by their eight months apart - a pain that made him feel like an exposed bundle of nerves being shocked repeatedly - vanished into thin air, not as if he were cured of it, but rather as if nothing had ever happened, as if he and Edward had never even been separated. He nestled the boy against his chest, burying his nose in the thick auburn hair and breathing in his sweet scent. They fit back together as readily, as easily, as a hand in its well-worn glove.
He felt utterly calm, whole, complete. Despite the crisis at hand, he was absolutely serene, as if he and Edward were simply basking in one another's affection without a care in the world. He could feel his mate responding to him, pressing into him, holding him fast with an invisible cord.
Carlisle rested his cheek against Edward's smooth, untroubled forehead. They will never take you from me again!
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The three stood in front of the mirror.
"I feel them pulling each other, almost like two magnets," muttered Marcus, his brow wrinkled in concentration. "It's so strange to me. They seem to me one being, split in two, struggling to put itself together again.
"The child is stronger with him there," he added, remembering the original question.
'Well, then," said Aro. "I guess that settles the matter of how best to address the problem. And what am I to do in the interim?"
"You could always take a leave of absence," suggested Caius dubiously. "They say Paris is very nice this time of year."
Aro sighed. "No, I want to be here when he comes to his senses." He turned to Marcus. "Time estimate?"
Marcus shook his head. "It's hard to say. It could be soon." He frowned, concentrating again. "The boy's mind is trying to reach him but something hinders it. I can sense it, but I cannot tell what it is."
"So," said Aro, shrugging leisurely. "We wait." He had all the time in the world.
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"What do you think it is?" Caius asked uncertainly.
Carlisle shook his head. "It isn't shock because as a species we are not capable of physical shock. His body actually appears very relaxed. Neither is it mental shock for a different reason - he would be conscious; catatonic, perhaps, but still conscious on some level. That said, there is a condition where a human being can become 'comatose' - a state of existence that lacks both awareness and wakefulness. As near as I can tell, Edward's condition appears closest to that. So the question of whether or not he has somehow been able to lose himself in the catacombs of his mind poses itself." He was sitting on the edge of the bed, resting his chin on his hand, pensive, while he observed Edward's sleep patterns.
"I have often wondered whether Edward's brain, with its unusual ability, reacts entirely differently to stimuli than ours." He was remarkably calm, verbally dissecting Edward's mental functions. "We know he 'hears' things differently, but how do the synapses in his brain respond to a given stimulus?"
"Meaning?" Caius was wondering when Carlisle would abandon the medical jargon and get to the point that made sense.
"It's just speculation, of course, but how we sense and perceive things is not nearly as convoluted or comprehensive as Edward does. We hear the words that are formed when a mind has consciously chosen to use them for the purpose of communication. Edward hears the process, not in the finite sense of concrete thoughts but in the amorphous sense of notions being formed and reformed, clustered together, split apart, and then regrouped in perhaps a more refined or even a more nebulous way, or in still an altogether different manner that might change the meaning entirely. Hence, the reason people contradict themselves: their thoughts contradict each other. Oftentimes, we cannot understand what we feel because we cannot comprehend the feeling through the application of a single word or even a set of words to contain it. Edward's mind has the capacity to 'hear' in that sphere where such thoughts that are incomprehensible to our minds dwell. It is often overwhelming and frequently terrifying for him.
"He tried to explain it to me once, but couldn't." He rubbed his eyes, a habit formed as a young human scholar and now a reflex response to any conundrum he pondered.
"If only I could consult with Aro! He might actually be helpful in this case." Gone was all the rage and loathing that had consumed him earlier that day.
"Alec?" Caius ventured as a more viable alternative.
"His ability is completely different. Alec projects, while Edward receives. Alec controls while Edward simply experiences. It would be like comparing apples and oranges."
"Eleazar?"
"Better. But I still wish I could speak with Aro."
Caius thought how peculiar it was that predicaments bred such strange bedfellows.
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"What do you think he means?"
"He is saying the boy literally is scared out of his mind. Or, rather," he chuckled, "I suppose we should say, into his mind."
Marcus looked puzzled.
"It is what I suspected before. When Edward is frightened or upset, he retreats into that part of his mind that is inaccessible to him in ordinary circumstances. Human scholars call it the 'subconscious'." Aro peered intently through the mirror.
"So how do we reverse it?"
"We, my dear Marcus, do nothing. That is Dr. Carlisle Cullen's task." He pulled his long gloves on and turned to leave the room. "Oh, and Marcus, send Chelsea to me."