The future depends on what we do in the present.

Mahatma Gandhi

Chapter 21

He felt terrible. It was one thing to have made a mistake for oneself, but when one jeopardized the welfare of others, it was altogether another.

He wasn't sure what to say, so he lay perfectly still on the couch, worrying and watching Carlisle. The latter, sensing his gaze, looked up from his book and frowned when he saw the boy's troubled expression.

"Are you alright?" he asked in his usual unconditionally loving manner, without a further thought to the crisis Edward had brought down upon them.

The boy shook his head, turning his eyes to stare moodily at his feet at the other end of the couch.

Without a word, Carlisle closed his book, stood up and walked over to him. Bending over, he brushed his hair out of his eyes and kissed his forehead. Bored or something more sinister? He smiled kindly and then sat down beside him, taking his hand and raising it to his lips. "I'm sorry. I'm not good company for you, am I? Old and pottering about with my nose in a book. I should do a better job of entertaining you. I know how hard it is for you to be cooped up like this." He was so understanding, it made Edward want to cry. He wished he could deserve someone as wonderful as Carlisle.

"I saw her again," he confessed quietly, ashamed of himself.

Carlisle was surprised. Today?

Edward nodded. "Just now." He tried to pull his hand away; he would almost prefer another altercation to this gentle understanding.

Did she say anything? He was concerned, but only for Edward.

He closed his eyes and whispered, "You were right."

Carlisle squeezed his hand comfortingly. You mustn't blame yourself, Edward. If anything, it is my fault for pushing you away; you didn't have enough confidence in me to tell me what was going on.

What you must understand about Jane is that she is and always will be emotionally very immature. This is no fault of her own. She was changed at too early an age, before she began to mature as a human being. That is why Aro wanted to wait until the twins were older. So that he would have better… raw material… with which to work.

You were already a young man entering adulthood when I took you, Edward. (Edward felt flattered in spite of himself. He liked it when Carlisle referred to him as an adult.) Jane was a child, with all of the emotional instability of a child. She can never be anything else. That is what makes her untrustworthy, not her extraordinary power or the deplorable circumstances of her upbringing.

Your emotions currently overwhelm you and at times render you unstable simply because they are so strong at this early stage. But as you age, they will weaken and you will learn better to manage them. This will never be the case for Jane. She is trapped in a state that will make her volatile for all eternity, and, as such, she is extremely dangerous.

When she is your friend, life is wonderful. But what happens the next day when she turns on you? A child's moods swing from one extreme to another, often in a very short time period, sometimes in a matter of minutes.

"Why do you think Aro took her, then?"

I suspect it was as much Eleazar as Aro. She was exceptionally gifted, even as a mortal. Her abilities were manifest early on. Alec's were less obvious, but their mother had shown some talent and it is believed to be passed from one generation to the next. That is also the reason Aro changed his sister once he discovered his talent. And here Carlisle's mind went smoothly blank and Edward looked sharply at him, knowing he was being shut out.

No, do not ask. For you to have this information would endanger your life. Mine is already at risk.

But Edward's senses had already locked on to him, panicked by his words. If Carlisle's life was in danger, he wanted to know so that he could help!

Seeing his alarmed expression, Carlisle smiled reassuringly at him. You mustn't worry about me, Edward. I will be fine. I have been around these characters long enough to know how to comport myself. I simply don't want you to be compromised in any way. And then returning to their earlier discussion, What did Jane want?

"She just came to visit again." He stared hard at his feet. "I asked her about... what happened." He shivered a little. "Carlisle, why would she think that it was all a game and that I was enjoying it?"

Carlisle grew very somber. That is their idea of amusement, and if I had known all of the circumstances, I probably could have arrived at the correct answer myself. It was my fault for reading more into it and bringing us to this God-forsaken place…

They are quite savage, Edward, with one another as well as their prey. They are not accustomed to living according to human standards as we are. Add to that the fact that boredom over many centuries, as you will discover, leads to extreme behavior. And when one lives as long as they have, what better way to pass the time than to think up particularly violent means of entertainment? I told you before that the Romans were notorious for their blood sports, so do not think it is merely our kind.

"But why didn't they see how frightened I was? Why would I have run from them?"

For them, the fear and the chase are part of the fun. I assure you, they would be out on the streets terrorizing people if Aro didn't keep them reined in.

"Why would she say that I seemed to enjoy... what Felix did..."

Carlisle took a deep breath to control his thoughts. There is a... very natural but unfortunate occurrence that happens to many victims of rape. In situations of extreme stress, the body prepares itself by initiating a "flight or fight" response. In the case of human beings, their bodies release adrenalin; in the case of our kind, our defense mechanisms become aroused, our senses heightened. At that point, the body literally has a will of its own, completely independent of the mind.

There are many reactions to such stressors, and in instances of sexual assault, it is not uncommon for the victim's body to respond to the situation as it would in other situations when the senses are heightened.

So, it is only natural for the body to respond with... He drew another deep breath, orgasm.

Edward, no! The boy was visibly very upset and rapidly retreating into his mind. Edward! He held his face firmly between his hands. No! Stay here with me! Don't disappear again!

He stood in the tunnel, looking back and forth between the comforting black emptiness and the comforting face of Carlisle. He was torn. It was so hard to decide which way to go. For several seconds, he wavered back and forth, not really wanting to make a decision. And then he took a deep breath and turned to walk back to Carlisle.

The older man had pressed his forehead against the boy's to pour all of his love into him.

Edward, you must not blame yourself for what happened. Neither should you feel ashamed for what is a perfectly natural physical response that anyone in that situation might experience. To do so, Edward, will only damage you and your chances of healing. He pulled the boy into his arms to hold him tightly against his chest. Edward, what differentiates us from them is how we choose to live and use the opportunities we are given. Make your peace with that that you cannot change and then put it away so that it cannot continue to harm you. We have so much to look forward to, so much to live for! If we dwell in the past, we risk becoming angry and embittered, and then we are the ones who lose, Edward.

He held the shaking body for a long time until it quieted.

"Carlisle?" Edward said after a long time.

Yes? He buried his lips in his hair.

"I want to go home!" he cried.

It was such a child-like thing to say, Carlisle almost laughed. But instead he hugged him even closer and said aloud, "We will, Edward. We will."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Edward was resting quietly, listening to the soothing hum in Carlisle's head.

"Carlisle?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yes?" The melody stopped.

"Why did you choose me?"

Carlisle did laugh this time. "It seems to me we have had this discussion before... yes, I think twice this week and three times the week before that, and most definitely more than once the week prior still...

"I didn't choose you, Edward. You were given to me. I had never thought to have anyone in my life, and then - there you were!"

"It wasn't like that," he protested.

"I assure you it was. I was there.".

"What really happened?"

"The long version or the summary?"

Edward snorted.

"Alright, alright. You were assigned to my ward and, in spite of my heroic efforts to maintain the utmost professional standards, I became attached to you. Your mother had been assigned to another doctor - men and women were separated - and one day when I chanced to be passing through -"

"I mean, why me when - "

"You don't find my narration worthy of excessive repetition?"

"I mean..."

"Yes?" he drawled.

"Isn't it..." Edward hesitated again, "wrong?"

Wrong?

Wha-...?

Oh.

You mean because...

"No, Edward, none of this is wrong. How could something so right ever be wrong?"

I mean, certainly there is a line of social thought that castigates relations between two men, but that is a human construct.

"But the Bible -" the boy argued.

"The Bible says many things, Edward, and was written by men attempting to interpret the word of God. There is a great deal of debate as to what it all really means. Certainly in Jewish law, what is known as Halakha, there are numerous laws pertaining to every aspect of life, and one such law does in fact forbid man to lie with another as he lies with a woman. It is also important to note that the scholars argue as to what exactly that means. And, then, one cannot help but draw attention to the fact that following the giving of the Law, only one man was ever put to death on the order of God for an infraction of the Law, and that man had gathered sticks to build a fire on the Sabbath. And the rabbis argue that even then, the hope was that the man would listen to the others and cease his activities to be spared his life. I think the most prominent thing in the Jewish Bible is that God's children always argue with him, asking how He can consider himself just when He asks them to do something they consider morally wrong. The taking of human life being the most obvious wrong! And the prophets all say that God delights when His children argue with Him, and all the more so when they best Him.*

"The Christian Bible was so influenced by man (you should hear Aro on that topic!), it has been subject to much skepticism. Certainly the individual Paul had a vehement hatred of many things, and poured his own bias into the texts. I disagree with much of what he personally says and, accordingly, separate my understanding of the will of God from the desires of man. I am not Jewish, but I have profound respect for their teachings, while my history with my own father makes me a little leery of what the Christian religion has become.

"I can assure you without reservation, Edward, that God not only smiles on our unorthodox union, He is highly amused by the upheaval you bring into my life. And I thank Him daily for you. I am so blessed!" He kissed the top of his head again.

And, Edward, satisfied with the certainty and clarity of the older man's thoughts, relaxed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was another long, quiet afternoon and Carlisle was reading while Edward stared at the portraits on the wall.

"Carlisle?" He forgot it was rude to interrupt because the thought had just occurred to him and he was so very curious, the question simply begged to be asked.

"Hmmmmm?" He was in the middle of a very intriguing scholarly debate.

"What were they like? When you lived with them?"

Edward, that's too general. Be more specific.

"What was Aro like?"

Ah. You want to know because at first we were friends.

Edward looked away from the painting to him.

Well... The other vampire frowned. I suppose to understand that, you would have to understand something of Aro's history, because it was his history that attracted me to him. As well as his manners, of course - his obvious good breeding, his education... He looked at Edward and smiled indulgently.

You seem bored anyway. He placed his book face down on the table. Shall I tell you about Aro? It will keep you occupied for a while.

Edward nodded.

Aro's Story

"Aro was born sometime around 800 BC. We don't know the exact year because time was recorded differently then; there was less emphasis on actual dates and more on events. Very much, my Edward, as our kind registers time.

"He came from an aristocratic family in the Etruscan city of Vulci, known for its works of art as well as trade. It was one of the most powerful cities in the region, and Aro's family, in turn, was one of the most powerful families in the city. If you check the library here, you will see that he still has many of the writings from both his ancestors and the successors of his immediate family, a testimony to their education as well as their position in that society.

"As far as he can remember, he had an amicable relationship with his father, mother and sister. Like me, he stayed in the area he had lived as a human for many years, studying them from a distance to get a better sense of who and what he was. That was one of the initial attractions he held for me - we were both very curious about our past lives. That is extremely unusual in our kind, and as far as I know, only the Volturi and a few other covens actually bother to learn and record the history for each member. I daresay Jane could give you a detailed account of her history if you asked."

Edward cringed and was relieved to see that the older man failed to notice.

"Most of Aro's family's history was stolen from their tomb. Much of the furnishings in his rooms, and even some of the sculptures he showed you in the museum, were taken from there. Yes, Edward. Our kind has been known to do its share of theft. I told you I had stolen my father's crucifix and many of his books for sentimental reasons after his death.

"He was attacked one night returning from a public event, the nature of which he has no recollection. He was an adult, and records show that the transformation occurred sometime around 760 BC, as his family declared him dead and arranged for the ceremonial rites accorded the dead, even though his body was in absentia.

"Anyhow, whatever the nature of the assembly, he was returning with a rather large group, a fact that saved his life. When he was attacked, the sheer numbers meant that his maker - who was probably not terribly experienced to attack so openly and so many at once - left him wounded and moved on to others. Again, the similarities in our own experiences, though across a broad spectrum of time, struck me when I first met him."

There was one other survivor from that night, and the two of them joined forces after the fact, having bonded in the agony of their transformation. I was always very envious of him as I had had no one in my early days... His thoughts became an unorganized juxtaposition of different images from his past. Edward reached to touch him, drawing him back to the present moment and his companion smiled at him.

I'm sorry. I try not to look back, but sometimes...

Where was I?

Oh.

"Aro spent the first year or so close to home, acquiring the necessary skills for survival in his new life, and trying to understand his extraordinary power. It was not so developed then, but he recognized that he was different because the other newborn vampire who had survived the rampage with him - our very own Marcus! - did not possess it. Marcus later learned that he had another ability, but we will get to that in due course.

"When Aro told you he had been exposed to many cultures, he was not exaggerating. He and Marcus left Vulci to journey by boat to the Orient. If I didn't have such a strong distrust of him, I would let him tell you the stories himself, for they are entertaining as well as edifying and you would enjoy it. But let us not be drawn into the temptation of thinking Aro better than he is...

"When he and Marcus returned, he knew much more about his ability and decided to change his sister to see if she had it as well. He had made several attempts when traveling, all of them ending with the intended becoming his meal. When I told you you were lucky to have survived your encounter with me, I wasn't being facetious, Edward. The act of feeding on human blood causes us to revert to our most primitive state, to think with a part of our mind that is so base in nature, we literally have no control over our senses." I am very grateful that you have never had to face that temptation!

He bent to kiss him again and Edward swelled with pride for never having eaten anyone. Even though the thought had crossed his mind frequently enough... (He realized suddenly he was quite thirsty and wondered when Caius would bring them something to eat. He wouldn't turn up his nose even to a squat little boar! But he didn't want to bother Carlisle with his petty little problems when he had been the cause of so much trouble already.)

"His sister was his first successful attempt, followed shortly after by several of the guards you have not met and then Caius. Caius is an interesting case because he was actually a military leader, and one of the more savage ones, as you can imagine. He was responsible for many of the campaigns that took slaves as well as the physical wealth of the conquered. Caius distinguished himself - in Aro's eyes - because he was known for the reprehensible practice of sacrificing those captured in battle on the tombs of the fallen Etruscan leaders. That appealed to Aro, who had a strong tradition of honoring the dead and was a firm believer in public demonstrations of execution to subdue the populace and frighten the enemy.

"It was during that period that he became enamored with Velathri, what is now Volterra. He did not move here then as his attachment to his home was strong. He actually stayed in the area until his desire to learn more about the world around him piqued his interest and he departed for the Holy Land, a logical choice given Rome's expansionist interests.

"You asked me once if I had admired Aro, and my answer was convoluted as I recall him in different periods. When he taught me the history of this time, I felt nothing short of reverent. Imagine, Edward! To live in the time of Romulus and the prophet Isaiah! To remember the kings of Judea and Assyria! To witness the rise of the kingdoms of Media and Persia! How could I not be in awe - and envy - of such a man?

"I have watched so many wonderful things come into existence, but the sundial, Edward! The Alexandrian Library, the construction of the Great Wall of China! Imagine if you had the opportunity to see those things for yourself."

THIS was Aro's lived experience.

He sighed out loud. To think of all the good that could have been done with that knowledge...

Edward could see him in his mind sitting at a large table in a library, pouring over texts, engaged in discussion, mentor and pupil. Yes, this was the Carlisle he had seen when the memories of Aro appeared so fleetingly. He understood now why he had had such admiration for the man who had witnessed so much. Even if he hadn't heard of half of the things Carlisle was talking about...

"From the Holy Lands, he traveled to what is today Germany and France, and then Britain. He spent much of his time consorting with nobles - Aro has always had the ability to move freely in circles and take liberties with mankind. It was his early lack of regard for secrecy that made him so fiercely committed to it later on. There were even published accounts of interaction with him, something he eventually went to great lengths to erase. In one account, by a man named Collin de Plancy **, Aro reportedly bragged that he had known Pontius Pilate in Jerusalem. The guest asked Aro's valet how this could be the case, when no man could be that old. The valet then proceeded to inform that he had only been in his master's service for 400 years and could not vouch for the veracity of the account." And here Carlisle paused to chuckle audibly. "What fun he must have had playing with people's minds. How very young he was then."

The thought of Aro as young was baffling to Edward, who felt that surely Aro must have been spawned ancient and all-knowing.

Anyway, Aro wandered about Europe with his smallish entourage until around 500AD, when he made the decision to return to his homeland. He had tired of traveling and wanted to settle somewhere. Vulci was long gone, subsumed by the Romans, and then left to ruin. Aro remembered Volterra, and had a human acquaintance there, the Bishop he mentioned to you, and so he chose to bring his coven here to settle.

I suspect what you really want to know about is my time with him?

Edward nodded. He had waited two years to hear this.

*My opinions on homosexuality and Orthodox Judaism come from the Rabbi Shmuel Boteach of Oxford University. In "The Debate on Homosexuality", he writes, "For some reason, the orthodox community has decided that homosexuality is the sin above sins, for which there can be no forgiveness." He disputes this notion and counters several of the most common religious arguments against homosexuality as a moral sin. For my part, based on my studies, I believe the witch hunt began with Christianity and was adopted by the Jews who cannot help but be influenced by other currents in the broader culture. Rabbi Boteach points out that it is sheer hypocrisy to call those who drive to shul on the Sabbath to the Torah to recite the blessings, and then shun a homosexual man in the community. My point in citing the example of the man stoned for gathering wood with which to build a fire on Shabbat is that not once in the Torah is a homosexual ordered killed by God.

I am also certain many members of the Orthodox community would happily crucify me for publishing this, and be aware that Rabbi Boteach is a very controversial figure.

**This was taken from very famous quote in de Plancy's Dictionnaire infernal, in which he writes;

"One day, saying he had known Pontius Pilate in Jerusalem, he described minutely the governor's house and listed the dishes served at supper. Cardinal de Rohan, believing these were fantasies, turned to the Comte de Saint-Germain's valet, an old man with white hair and an honest expression. 'My friend,' he said to the servant, 'I find it hard to believe what your master is telling us. Granted that he may be a ventriloquist; and even that he can make gold. But that he is 2000 years old and saw Pontius Pilate? That is too much. Were you there?' 'Oh, no, Monsignore', the valet answered ingeniously. 'I have been in Monsieur le Compte's service only four hundred years.' "

I hope it is understood that the fact that this text was written in the early 19th c and that as Aro is a fictional character created in the last decade, the text has no relation to the character! I simply chose to use it, out of context, because it so nicely fit my story!