Jo felt herself shrink away, as she leant back against the cool door, finally feeling like she could breathe as the cold Seattle night air hit her. The party noise becoming a light buzz in her ears as the happy cheery and cheesy Christmas carols fade out. She didn't know why she had agreed to come, some part of her had thought she could actually handle this, people laughing and smiling in their perfect little worlds, sipping on eggnog and that disgusting candy cane vodka, like nothing was wrong, oblivious to the fact she dying on the inside. She can't count the number of times people have asked how she is, the happiness fading from their eyes as they avert their gaze. Did you hear he just left her? I heard he was having an affair the whole time. Poor girl never stood a chance. The whispers whirl around and there's no amount of fake smiling that will help.

The Christmas lights glisten along the window as Jo catches sight of Link and Amelia on the sofa, their little boy squished in between them, dressed in some ridiculous elf costume Link had bought, they're taking silly selfies as they both press a kiss to their little one's cheeks, laughing as he squeals in delight. Zola and Bailey run pass the window, dressed in their best Christmas outfits as they hand out candy canes to all the guests, Ellis trailing along behind, her tiara slightly crooked as she tries to catch up to her siblings. Meredith was standing on the other side of the room, her eyes following her children around the room as she tried to listen along to whatever story Hunt was telling, giggling as Hayes leaned in whispering something in her ear.

He should've been here. He would've turned up late, grumbling about how he hated fancy parties. His tie would've been crooked and he would have huffed as she fixed it for him, but he would've loved her party dress, a little too much maybe as he sought out the mistletoe, smirking as he held it over their heads pulling her in closer and he would've let out a huge crooked grin the minute the kids came flying down the stairs. He would've been Zola's partner in crime in stealing all the candy, and he would've fixed Ellis crown for her. He would've wrapped his arm around Jo's waist and pulled her closer to him, rubbing small circles on her hip as they listened to Koracick drown on and on, letting her know he had her. She can hear him now saying he doesn't like Hayes while they watched Meredith flirt with the guy and rolling his eyes as Link went overboard for his sons first Christmas. He should've been here. He should've been here and maybe it wouldn't have only been Link and Amelia's sons first Christmas, maybe they would've had their own bundle to squish in between them.

"Jo?" It's Merediths voice that breaks Jo's trance, turning to find her leaning against the open doorframe, her arms wrapped around herself as she tries to keep herself warm. She hadn't even noticed her break away from the group. "You okay?" She whispers, biting her lips as she tries to think of something to say, the sympathy shining in her eyes makes Jo want to turn and run, she hates it, she sees it everywhere she goes and she hates it. It's only when she feels a warm splash against her cheek does she realise she's crying, hot tears following down her face as she continues to stare through the window.

"He should've been here." She whimpers as she feels Meredith wrap her arms around her, her hands brushing up and down Jo's arms in a lame attempt to warm her up. He should've been here, she can't do this without him, she doesn't want to.

"I know…" Meredith nods as she begins to guide Jo back inside, eyeing a concerned Maggie from the doorway, as the snow begins to fall around them. "I know Jo." She whispers.

Jo feels herself breaking as peoples gaze turns to her as she re-enters the party, feeling relief flood through her as the buzzing from her pager rang out. Instantly pulling out of Meredith's grip as she sees the SOS flash on the screen. Thankgod for Christmas miracles. Jo had done everything to get out of this party, to get out of the entire freaking holiday but Bailey had refused to put her on shift because she'd worked the last two Christmas already. Little did she know she'd worked them all in the hopes of having Christmas off with her own little family one day, not to be the women sitting alone in a cold loft with no husband to fix the heater or keep her warm.

"I should go...looks like the snow has brought the E.R into chaos," Jo muttered as Koracick passed her, grabbing his coat as he muttered something about Christmas eve accidents. A few more doctors head out as Jo examines the room, she feels out of place here, she can't spend the rest of night staring at the door hoping for a miracle where he walks in saves her from the loneliness that is currently overwhelming her every sense.

She heads down the hall, not waiting for Meredith's response as she tries to find her bag in between all the mess in the kitchen. Catching sight of the Christmas cards littering the fridge door, her breath getting caught in her throat as his eyes stare back at her. He looks tired she thinks, not much but she can tell, his signature crooked smile plastered across his face, she almost wants to laugh at how he always looks like he's got gun to his head when he smiles for a picture, but her desire to laugh soon fades as she scans the rest of the photo, Izzies well-manicured hand wrapped around Alex's arm as she smiles brightly beside him, her hair curled to perfection as her other hand sits upon her son's shoulder while Alex has his hand wrapped around his daughter. They look perfect, the thought alone makes Jo gag, she'd known Alex a long time, and she'd consider herself an expert and never had she imagined him to be the guy with the professional family photo sending out Christmas cards like they were some Hallmark channel family.

He's really not coming home. He's not her husband anymore. He's not the man she knew. Jo was in no way living in denial, Alex was long gone but a small part of her had always thought maybe just maybe one day he'd turn up at her door, tell he was sorry and they'd try again. She knows it's a silly dream but she swears sometimes when the pit is bursting at the seams and everyone's yelling in all different directions that she can hear him call her name, or hear his key in the door when she's drifting off to sleep, the whispered I love yous in the early morning moments when shes not yet awake but no longer asleep still playing tricks on her mind. He may be the one person in the world that means the most to Jo but she is no longer his, and seeing it, seeing it made it so much more real to Jo. He's not coming home because he is already home, she knows that now.

It's almost four am when Jo gets out of surgery, wandering outside the hospital she notes that the snow has stopped falling, instead a thick blanket covers the floor, as it crunches underneath her feet, sighing she watches her breath fan out in front of her. He phone feels like fire in her hands, the missed call notification staring back at her pierced straight through her heart. As she debates what to do next, her phone lights up again, his grumpy face lighting up her phone as the ringtone filled the quiet night's air.

"Jo?" His voice is barely a whisper but it sends shivers down her spine, as she clutches the phone tightly pressing it against her ear painfully, not wanting to miss a single second of his voice as the warmth fills her body.

"Alex…" She mutters after a beat, the fresh tears already splashing against her scrub top as she listens to his breathing on the other side of the line.

"I didn't wake you did I?" His voice picks up a bit, as she leans against the hospital entrance, hot tears spreading across her face.

"No, I just came from surgery…" She manages to mutter, hoping he doesn't note the way her voice cracks, as she tries to stop herself from crying out.

"Oh…" There's a pause and for a moment she thinks he's gone as silence falls. "I just wanted to...I don't know what I…I'm sorry." He finally mumbles. Jo nods, as she tries to compose herself, hearing the crack in Alex's voice matches her own as she takes a deep breath.

"Yeah...I'm sorry too." She's sorry they didn't make it, it's not her fault she knows but still, she's sorry their story ends this way, sorry that somehow both their hearts hurt even though she's the one sleeping alone.

"Daddy, Santa came you have to come to see…" "Dad quick look Santa ate all the cookies…"

Jo chuckles softly, whipping away her tears as she hears the excitement through the line, as the little voices continue to call out for their dad and she knows it's time to go as she lets out another shaky breath.

"Merry Christmas Alex." She whispers, a small smile playing on her lips, as she whispers her last goodbye.

"Merry Christmas Jo."

It's officially Taylor Swift x Jolex Week and there is already so much good stuff over on Tumblr and on AO3 for you to check out.

I heard Christmas lights glisten and I rolled with it. See you tomorrow for more Jolex angst.

Thankyou for reading.