Chapter Five - I've noticed you
Christmas Eve in the Weasley house was hectic.
Not normal hectic – everyday at the Burrow was a normal person's definition of hectic; Christmas Eve was Weasley hectic. Tonks felt like she hadn't seen any one's face since she'd gotten up, just flashes of red hair as they whipped by her, moving on to the next chore set by Molly.
After breakfast Molly handed out tasks and unlike when Tonks had first arrived and avoided being treated like a Weasley child, this morning she'd been barked orders at so much, that she had actually turned her hair red – if you couldn't beat them, you might has well join them. Tonks took the bin bag she had been handed and wondered into the garden to tidy up with the twins, who after five minutes, Tonks sent away to find another chore they could do as they turned out to be more of a hindrance than a help. She did feel quite sorry for them, at least she could tidy up using her wand.
It was Remus she felt sorry for the most. She leaned against Arthur's shed and watched as he got rid of gnomes one at a time, gently levitating them over the hedge. He had yet to notice that they were all coming back through the gate, one by one. She wanted to tell him, she really did, but she was slightly distracted by his dishevelled appearance. As he got hotter, chasing the never-ending stream of gnomes, he had rolled his sleeves up. Tonks marvelled at how, even in his ridiculous state, wand abandoned to his pocket, fringe drooping over his face, he still looked every bit the Professor. Tonks lazily swished her wand and melted the snow from the main path, another swish covered the walkway with salt.
As she continued to clear the garden, so Arthur could put out his display of outdoor muggle Christmas decorations, Tonks never took her eyes off of Remus. She was particularly interested in the way his lower arms looked, how the muscles twisted and contracted as he lunched after the gnomes. It was the first time she had seem him without his tie and only the second time she had seen him without a cardigan or jacket. He looked… handsome. Shocked by the blush that heated her face she tried to distract herself by paying more attention to her own job, but her mind and her eyes kept wandering back to the bushes at the end of the garden, where Remus had taken to trying to reason with the gnomes.
She considered, just for a moment, how it would feel to run her hand through his hair. It looked thick and soft and… Tonks turned away, sending some suspicious looking boxes, that she assumed belonged to the twins into Arthur's shed out the way. It was ridiculous to gawk at Remus. She was being utterly ridiculous. Remus is old. She tried to remind herself. At least significantly older than her. Grown up. She snorted, he probably drinks wine and enjoys it, likes talking about current affairs and can walk in a straight line successfully without tripping over. Someone kind, serious, sensible and together like Remus wouldn't be interested in someone like her.
She found herself leaning on the side of Arthur's shed once more, looking at his surprisingly toned arms, that he bizarrely hid underneath baggy cardigans and giggled. She was certain he'd never be interested in her, but it did no harm to look right?
"Don't think I can't hear you giggling back there."
Tonks laughed louder, "A double negative Professor – so that means you can't hear me laughing right?"
Remus stood up and walked over to Tonks, running his hands through his hair, she focused very hard on morphing away the heat that was making her face as red as her hair. "I see you're having fun Ms Tonks. If you're finished with your chore, perhaps you'd like to help me with mine? I don't understand where they are all coming from. I've sealed the hedges yet still somehow, there is just always more of them."
Tonks debated not telling him, she would quite enjoy watching him go back to work, but seeing his face dejected she knew she had to help him. "Remus, every time you get rid of one, they just come back in under the gate."
Remus – there was no other word for it, twirled around with the bizarre grace of a ballerina and almost leaped towards the other side of the garden. "The GATE!" He shouted. He waved his wand wildly in the direction of the picket fence and gate, and laughed manically as a gnome tried to sneak under but instead bounced off some sort of force-field. Remus spun towards Tonks, smiling and shouting, "I did it! Aha! They thought they'd outsmarted me – but no, I stopped them getting in. Me. I outsmarted them!"
Tonks nodded and smiled, "You did Remus, you definitely outsmarted them. Just a quick question – I'm assuming you placed a shield charm on the fence and gate?"
Remus nodded, reminding Tonks of a child receiving praise. "Okay. So yeah, just a tiny question about that – how will Molly and Arthur's party guests get into the party – with a shield charm on the gate?"
The smile on Remus' face dropped and he looked like he was either about to laugh hysterically or sob. "The guests… Tonks help me. They've outsmarted me, the gnomes. They keep coming back. They're so smart. I can't…" Remus reached for Tonks, who took his hand and allowed him to lead her to the hedge.
"It's ok Remus. We can deal with the gnomes, together."
With a few simple spells, which she made look incredibly difficult to save Remus' pride, the gnomes were banished from the garden, at least for the evening and rather than heading inside and risk being given another chore, Remus and Tonks decided to head out on a walk.
The pair took off down the lane which led, via a track wide enough for one car, with woods on either side, into the village of Ottery St Catchpole. Tonks was pleased with herself for managing to get through the icy lanes without falling over, patting herself on the back for wearing her most practical boots for her mornings work in the Weasley garden. The village was idyllic, looking like every muggle Christmas card she had seen. Quaint village shops covered in snow lined roofs; snowmen built presumably by local children on the tiny village green. The Christmas decorations from inside the eateries, pub and shop giving the village a warm glow.
"It's quite beautiful isn't it?" At Remus' words, Tonks realised she had been standing staring at the scene in front of her for a few minutes.
"Yes. It really is. It's amazing that something can be so perfect without magic."
Remus nodded, "I must say. Ottery St Catchpole, does seem like the perfect place to spend Christmas."
Tonks didn't notice the way Remus was looking at her. If she had, she would probably have noticed from the way he appraised her, that his notion of this place being perfect had little to do with the place it's self and everything to do with the company.
Tonks took off towards one of the few shops in the village. "I'm surprised they are all still open. Though I guess the men of Ottery St Catchpole are as likely to want to leave all their gift buying to the last minute as any man."
Remus scoffed, clearly affronted, "Not all men leave their shopping until the last minute."
Tonks turned away from the window she was looking through to face him, raising an eyebrow she said, "Oh really? I should have known Professor Lupin – your presents were all bought and wrapped by June?"
Remus chuckled, "I rather think my role as a Professor has given you the wrong impression."
Tonks smiled, "Oh I don't think so. Let me see…" She stood looking at him straight on, "The jacket definitely screams professor, especially with the elbow patches," her hand cupped his elbow gently, "You're meticulous about folding your clothes, but as I can see the fold lines in your shirt, your clearly not fastidious enough to iron them before you wear them again," subconsciously the hand not holding Remus' elbow trailed down one of the fold lines on his shirt, "I've noticed how you slink off each evening and how content you look once you're reading a book, and of course…" Using both of her hands Tonks picked up Remus' left hand, and ran one of her fingers down his middle one, "ink, from all the writing you do, because you never can just read, you always note down things that occur to you as you do so."
They were stood close, too close, Tonks realised with a blush. She desperately wanted to reach a hand up and run it through his hair. "I'll admit, the hair doesn't quite match the Professor persona, but I er like it. I'm guessing you keep it to make the girls swoon."
Tonks stepped back as Remus scoffed. "I'm not sure why anyone would be swooning over me. Prematurely greying Professors aren't exactly a type."
Tonks vehemently disagreed, in her head. She supposed he was right, until this evening, prematurely greying professors isn't how she would have described her taste in men, but Remus was so much more than that. He was funny, kind, compassionate and handsome.
Tonks turned and looked back into the window she had been staring at earlier. "Why would you thin…"
Remus interrupted her, "Not to add credence to your totally unfounded stereotype from earlier, but I think I will just pop in here for a minute. I'm not sure the gift I got for the twins is going to work. I'll be back in a few minutes."
Tonks watched as Remus disappeared into the shop. Hearing the bell ding as the door opened and closed, she decided not to follow him. She wasn't sure what to say. She liked him. She couldn't deny it. He wasn't like any of the men she had dated before, not that the list was particularly long, but they had all turned out to be nice guys but just not for her. No one she had dated was looking for anything particularly serious – she didn't blame them, they were in their early 20s just like her, but she'd never been able to date casually. To Tonks there was nothing casual about sharing the most intimate parts of yourself, the habits and traits no one else got to see with someone. She'd found it hard to ever really let her guard down around anyone she'd dated, fearing as soon as she did they'd bolt, and she'd be left vulnerable.
Tonks wandered down to the next window, smiling as she spotted something in the window, she popped in, made the purchase and left the shop in record time. Using her wand discreetly, she shrunk the package down and hid it in the pocket of her jacket.
Remus exited the shop a few minutes later and after the pair had bought a selection of pastries for themselves and Weasley's they began the walk back to the Burrow. For awhile they walked in companionable silence, until they reached the single-track road that led them back up to the field where the Burrow stood.
Remus smiled as he looked at their surroundings, "It really is pretty isn't it. It's almost makes everything look… well glittery – the frost and snow I mean."
Tonks couldn't help the shock that escaped from her mouth, "Glittery? Professor, I think we need to get you back to those books." Tonks looked around at the trees and the track too, it was pretty and the frost which lay on top of the ice did shimmer and sparkle, but Tonks still couldn't truly enjoy it, too preoccupied as she was with trying to remain upright. "Glittery but deadly." Tonks muttered to herself.
As though to prove herself right, after only a few more steps, Tonks' foot slipped on some black ice and her arms flew out to try to balance her, instantly she felt strong hands tight on her waist, steadying her. "Thanks," she looked up to see Remus' face mere inches away from her own. "I do love the snow, but only when I don't have to be outside, walking around in it."
Remus smiled, "You're welcome." Remus didn't move. Hand still holding Tonks' waist he just looked at her. There was so much he wanted to say. He'd always prised himself on being loquacious – enjoyed the ability to cobble together a quick turn of phrase, but it seemed today was not his day, his brain had deserted him.
"Remus? What is it?" Tonks could see the uncertainty in Remus' face, he looked as though he wanted to say something but didn't know if he should. A tiny voice in her brain began a little cheer-leading routine, hoping perhaps what he wanted to do was ask her out.
"I…" Remus dropped his hands from her waist, "All those things you said, they were true, but I wouldn't want you to think that was all there is to me." Remus, unable to hold her gaze any longer, looked down at his feet, "I don't want you to just think of me as some old fastidious Professor."
Tonks smiled coyly and partly to steady herself, partly to drive home to him what she was about to say, she placed a gloved hand on either side of his arms. "I never said I thought of you as just a Professor – all I was really trying to say was, I've noticed you."
"Oh." Remus said, willing his brain to pick out a more appropriate response. Surely all those damned books he was always reading would now come into their own. His brain would pluck out some smooth line comprised from all the literature he'd read over the years, "Well, I, that's nice. To um, be noticed. I've um, I mean you're…and well obviously I've noticed you too" or apparently, it wouldn't.
The pair stood in the middle of the track, Tonks holding onto Remus' arms, he bought his hand back to her waist. Happily, surprised as he watched her move closer to him, leaning her face up to his, her eyes fluttering closed. He lent down, ready to share a first kiss with this wonderful woman, only to have his brain finally find words and scream them at him.
She doesn't know you're a werewolf!
Remus jerked his head backwards so quickly, it threw him of balance, and stood as they were and Tonks needing little encouragement to fall, the pair tumbled to the cold, hard, uneven ground.
"Oomph. That hurt." Tonks untangled herself from Remus' impossible long limbs.
"I'm sorry." Remus moaned quietly, embarrassed that he'd bought her down with him. Covering his face, he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him hole. He felt utterly ashamed. How could he have let things get this far, how could he kiss her, when she didn't really know who, what he was. Tonks thought she had almost kissed some mild-mannered Hogwarts Professor; how would she react if she knew she'd actually almost kissed a monster.
"Come on Remus, get up. It's fine. Honestly, you've made my day. It has been ages since I fell and it wasn't my fault!" Tonks leaned down and put her hand on Remus' shoulder, offering her hand to help him stand.
As the pair limped back to the Burrow, all Remus could think to do was get back to the Weasley clan as quickly as possible. He knew Tonks deserved to know, but he just couldn't bring himself to tell her, to face the rejection he was sure was to come, not on Christmas eve.
Once they had eaten a quick lunch and shared the somewhat squashed pastries with the Weasleys, they helped Molly finish a few chores and then both relaxed in the living room, Remus chatting to the twins and Tonks playing a game with Ginny, it was all too soon time to get ready for the Weasley Christmas party.
Tonks excused herself and retreated to her bedroom. She had been appraising her outfit choices for the evening for the past 25 minutes and was feeling so frustrated with herself, she was almost ready to put on her pyjamas and just go to bed. She'd never been this girl. One who stood in front of the mirror hating everything they owned and insisting they had nothing to wear. She was even more frustrated that this lack of enthusiasm for her usual attire was down to wanting to impress a man. Tonks hated to admit it. She'd always dressed in a way that made her feel comfortable which in turn helped her feel confident and she had always believed being confident in who you were made you attractive to others.
Remus had only ever seen her in jeans and t-shirt. She'd bought a novelty costume for the party, a hat and boots that made her look like a Christmas gnome, and though she had thought it was hilarious at the time she'd purchased it, knowing Ginny and the twins would get a kick out it, the thought of walking down those stairs and bumping into Remus in that outfit, made her skin crawl. She couldn't believe it had come to this – she was staring at her only other option as if it were a dark wizard she was about to apprehend on a raid.
It was a dress.
Tonks had only bought it in case her novelty costume was a step too far and Molly insisted she change. She knew how hard Molly worked to make everything go just right over the holidays and the last thing Tonks ever wanted to do was upset her. Dropping the morph on her hair, allowing the mousy brown waves to fall around her shoulders, Tonks took a quick shower and pulled on the dress before she could talk herself out of it. She told herself it wasn't just for Remus; it was for Molly too and a little bit for herself.
It wasn't that she didn't like wearing dresses, it was just that she felt like she looked odd in them. She wasn't girly, as she'd been told throughout her time at Hogwarts and it was definitely more embarrassing when you fell over in a skirt than in trousers. But she wasn't a student anymore and her friends weren't here to tease her. She was a woman and women sometimes wore nice, fancy dresses.
Looking at herself in the mirror, she decided she might as well go the whole hog and leave her hair brown, though she darkened it a little, so it was more mahogany than mousy and made sure it had a lovely shine to it. Scrunching up her face again, she morphed a minimal amount of makeup onto her face and stepped back to look at herself once last time.
Nodding, she told herself repeatedly, she'd be fine. She wasn't going to face a crowd of ferocious dark wizards, she was just going to a party, in a dress. She could do this.
AN - Hi lovely readers! Thanks so much for your feedback, comments, favs and follows. I just wanted to say - my comment in a previous AN about believing Remus flirting was in character wasn't meant to discourage anyone from leaving me feedback. I read and love all of your comments - it was just my way of explaining, that there is a chapter coming up which kinda goes into what he is thinking/feeling as he is flirting. But yeah - thanks all so much for the love. Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)