AN- Sorry for the delay in posting, I was trying to finish off the last few chapters. Only three left after this one! Hope you enjoy.

Chapter Eleven - Ninja Witch

"Remus, I didn't say that, you're putting words into my mouth again."

Remus rolled his eyes, "It's what you meant though isn't it?"

There was a frustrated edge to her voice as she replied, "no, if I'd have meant it, I would have said it."

Remus took up pacing, his usual activity when he needed to calm down a little. "But what you said makes no sense. If nothing has changed, if the way you feel about me hasn't changed then why are you walking away?"

She sighed much too loudly, "I've told you a million times. It's complicated. The way I feel about you hasn't changed, but what we had… the future I thought we had together, that is what has changed."

Remus stopped pacing; standing in front of her, staring at her, he said, "Because you don't see yourself with a monster."

Her reply was mousy, delivered barely above a whisper. "I never called you a monster Remus. Never."

Remus continued to pace. "But that is it – isn't it. I mean, it's not that you don't see yourself with a man who wears cardigans or a man who drinks too much peppermint tea or eats too much chocolate. It isn't that you don't see yourself with the Remus Lupin the world sees, it's that you don't see a future with the Remus Lupin the rest of the world knows nothing about – the dark creature, the werewolf…"

"Don't use that word."

Remus scoffed, "what, werewolf? That is what I am. You're so afraid of me, of it, you can't even bear to hear the word! Why can't you just admit that is why we're breaking up?"

"Oh Remus stop this! How can we break up? We were never even really together, you made sure of that!" Her voice was definitely not mousy now.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Come on Remus…we've been side stepping around this…us… for over a year. You could have made a move at any time. You knew I liked you, I didn't try and hide it. You had plenty of opportunities, we spent practically every day together. Something always seemed to be holding you back. I wondered for a long time if it was Lily…"

"I couldn't make a move until you knew about me, about who I am, what I am. What does Lily have to do with us?"

"You could have told me sooner. But you didn't so, knowing you were keeping something from me, I wondered if you secretly loved her, Lily, but I realised she was more like a sister to you. Then for a brief moment, I wondered if it was Sirius."

"Sirius?!" Remus' eyes tripled in size.

"Oh, come on Remus, the pair of you are like an old married couple! Anyway, eventually I realised he was more like a brother to you. But still, I couldn't figure you out. I wondered if maybe it was just me. Maybe like Lily and Sirius, I was another person that you were super close to, but that you only thought of platonically, but there were looks and caresses that told me otherwise. Still I knew you had a secret. Something big. But I didn't care. I wanted to be with you. Why do you think I stuck around for so long? And then you told me… your secret and I admit it was hard to swallow."

Remus nodded, "And you can't handle it. You're scared of me. Of being with me. Of being with a werewolf. It's fine, I expected…"

Nina shook her head slowly and smiled sadly, "No Remus. Though I know that is the lie you will keep telling yourself. I am scared, of course I'm scared! Who wouldn't be? Maybe some crime fighting ninja witch… I'm just the shy Ravenclaw with a bookstore Remus. I'm not scared of you, Remus, but I'll admit, your condition does scare me. Everything in my life is ordered, planned, but this" she gestured between the two of them "it's an unknown, but an unknown I'd have explored with you if I thought even for a second that you'd let me. "

"What are you talking about?"

"Remus, I've gotten to know you pretty well over the past year. I understand telling me…everything, must have been hard. But the way you told me, everything you've done since; it's just so clear to me that as much as I might be able to learn about your condition, learn to not be scared of it, you'll never be able to accept that I'm okay with all of this."

Remus took a step towards her seat, "Nina, I told you about my condition because I wanted to be with you."

The anger seemed to have drained away, Nina sounded sad but resigned. "No, you didn't. You told me about your condition because you wanted to end things with me."

He knelt in front of her, resting his hands on her knees, "Why would you say that, it's utter rubbish!"

"It isn't though Remus. You said it when you told me, that you knew no one could ever love you enough to want to be with you forever. Rather than risking me walking away later, you're pushing me away now. I would have given us a go Remus. I wanted us to work but I can't fight against you on this all the way. I can't see a future where I have to convince you every day that I'm really okay with your condition, that it hasn't changed how I feel – I just can't. I hope someday you meet someone who you're willing to take a chance on Remus." Nina stood and picked up her bag from the coffee table.

"Nina wait..."

She stopped by the door and turned to face Remus, one last time. "I just want you to know Remus, during all of this, the highs, the lows, the moment you told me, when I decided I wanted us to try, when I realised you never really wanted that – I've never once, not even for a moment, thought you were a monster. Take care Remus. Let someone in one day. The rewards will be worth the risks, I promise."

Giving up on getting anymore sleep, Remus got dressed and as silently as he could, crept out of the Burrow. Try as he might, he couldn't get the conversation with Nina from over a decade ago, out of his head. She'd been right of course. He'd pushed her away. Unwilling to take the risk that she'd hurt him further down the line, he'd told her his dirty little secret, the thing that was sure to drive a wedge between them, before they'd been able to establish a relationship. He'd never been able to share the whole story with any of his friends. Allowing them to assume Nina, like others before her, just didn't want to be with a werewolf. Still, somehow Sirius had known, had seen through Remus, he'd always had an annoying ability in that.

Though the thing that had him up, out of bed and roaming the countryside surrounding the Weasley's home before even the birds were awake to serenade him, was not the knowledge that he'd pushed Nina away, but rather the realisation that she'd been right – he would find someone he thought was worth taking a chance on. He'd told Tonks he didn't do casual, but he knew to tell her that she was the only woman he'd ever allowed himself to attempt any sort of normal type of relationship with would absolutely scare her away. Sirius had told him to act like a normal man, with a crush on a woman and go for it. He'd done that, he'd even told her he was a werewolf within a week of meeting her, made out with her on Christmas day, told her he didn't do casual and smiled like a moron when she'd replied that she didn't either.

Was he just setting himself up, setting them both up for pain further down the line?

This was the side of Lycanthropy that Remus had never shared with anyone. Tonks had been right when she'd said he only turned into a dark creature once a month, but she'd also been incorrect when she'd assumed that's all there is to it – just the night when the moon is full in the sky. Of course, that was the worst of it, but not the whole. There was the pain, as the moon waxed ever closer to fullness and the recovery needed once it waned but more exhausting than any of the physical consequences of being a werewolf, were the mental ones.

Because they were non-stop.

Remus' brain would constantly create an onslaught of vile hatred towards himself. Like everyone else, he hated the creature, but hating something that is so intrinsically a part of you - that takes its toll. For others, his parents, his childhood friends, even, giving credit where it was due, Nina, were able to separate the wolf from the man. They could despise the beast but love Remus.

That wasn't possible for Remus. Being a werewolf from the age of four had shaped the man he was today. He often wondered how different his life would had been if he hadn't been bitten. Would he still have escaped into books and developed a love of reading? Would he still have become friends with Sirius, James, Lily and Peter, would he have become a Professor? He knew these were foolish, hypothetical musings that could never be answered; but the fact remained that Remus could never separate man from beast, because without the beast, he would undoubtedly have been a different man.

Feeling such disdain for something so intrinsically part of what made him Remus – whilst simultaneously being grateful for it – had long been a balancing act his brain struggled to juggle.

It swung wildly between hatred of the wolf, and acceptance that he'd done what he could with an unlucky lot in life and that was the real toll of Lycanthropy. The continuous, exhausting, mental battle.

And now Remus faced a new one. One he'd never thought he'd get to experience. A battle between his brain and his heart. Diametrically opposed foes - it seemed.

His brain wouldn't stop playing through his last conversation with Nina, reminding him of the hurt and pain that lay ahead when Tonks finally decided she didn't see a future with a werewolf either.

His heart, kept pointing out that Nina had been right – Remus didn't really want to be with her, at least not enough to risk getting hurt, but Tonks… His heart skipped a beat.

Remus ran his hand through his hair and sighed loudly.

There were so many reasons he and Tonks wouldn't work out. There was nothing normal about their acquaintance so far. They'd spent such a lot of time together in just a week, had conversations usually only shared between close friends and both clearly felt a very strong attraction to each other. The last part was definitely unusual for Remus. He'd always been the sort of person who became fascinated by people slowly, over time, as he got to know them. It wasn't that he hadn't found lots of women attractive in the past, but he had never instantly felt a connection with someone the way he had with Tonks.

His brain was telling him she was dangerous – someone he could maybe even end up completely falling for – and wouldn't that be a disaster! When she learned to hate the monster in him too.

His heart skipped another beat as he remembered her, looking up at him yesterday, her arms wrapped around his own, her chin tilted up, ready, waiting, wanting him to kiss her again.

Remus slowly made his way back to the Burrow, his head still swirling with arguments from his brain and his heart as to what he should do next, until he spotted her, sitting on their wall, swinging her legs, the heels of her boots hitting the brick and bouncing back up in the air.

He smiled as he felt his brain concede the fight, for now.

She was so much younger, pretty, smarter, kinder and wittier than he was. What had Nina said? The rewards would be worth the risks? If there was any chance, no matter how small, that things could work out between him and Tonks, he wanted to explore that possibility.

Who knew – maybe he'd finally found his Ninja witch?

Short, but hopefully sweet! :) Thanks so much for all your comments, follows, favs and reviews. Please do leave me a note to tell me what you think! Stay safe.