"Captain, you wanted to see me?" Andy asks as she walks in his office, keeping her tone as cold and distant as possible.
This place, his office.
She can't help but see in her mind's eyes all the times they have spent here. She can see herself sitting at the edge of his leather chair, her legs spread wide open, her pants lowered all the way down her ankles, and him kneeling in front of her, making her come undone only using his mouth. She can see him standing behind her, pushing her against the desk, rocking in and out of her slowly at first, then speeding up the pace as she is getting closer. She had blue-green bruises on her thighs for a week after that. She can still feel the knob making a dent in her back as she leaned against the door while he kissed her.
Andy shakes her head, trying to avoid thinking about all the times they have fucked each other to oblivion in the past couple of months right here in this room.
Oh, how she longs to take his clothes off slowly, leave a trail of wet kisses all across his exposed skin, and tell him everything can go back to the way it was, simple and not complicated. This can't happen though. Their bubble has burst, and there is no patching it up.
"We need to talk about what happened at the end of last shift. You can close the door behind you, but keep it unlocked and the blinds open." He orders, making sure she knows why they are both there, making sure neither of them has the chance to lose control. And of course she knows. She was stupid enough to knock hips with her boss, but she is not that oblivious that she doesn't know things have to change after the big explosion they had last shift.
She told him as much the last time they were together. She doesn't get happy endings, doesn't believe in kissing and making up. Things have never worked for her this way, and probably never will.
She has been deliberating wearing those shorts he has some kind of weird love-hate relationship with, yet she has stuck to her respectful uniform, still full of sweat and dirt from the long day she had had. Between one hectic call to another, she didn't really have the time to clean up.
She knows it is the end, they are both done playing games, done pretending the sneaking around in order to have a mind blowing orgasm is something that could last forever. It was always supposed to be all about sex, all about the satisfaction of the desire inside them, a want neither of them could explain.
So why does it feel like someone has reached into her chest and squeezes her heart forcefully between their hands?
"I just wanted you to know that I wasn't avoiding this. I was out on calls all day, doing the job I love so much, helping other people, making a difference. I know you have an idea on how you want to handle that incident…" Andy trails off as he puts his hand out in front of her, signing her to stop rambling.
"I haven't been completely honest with you." He starts, the look on his face still cold and distant, like he is not about to do something that will change the nature of their relationship forever. "Last shift was my wife's birthday, and it also marked fifteen years since the day she died."
Andy is taken aback by his personal confession, yet manages to keep her face somewhat natural. She didn't have any idea. He never truly let her in, she understands. Even as they were lying naked, creasing each other, staring at the ceiling. She was the one to open up, to do all the talking, more often than not. "I am sorry for your loss." She tries to sympathize.
"I am not going to punish you for what happened last shift. I know this is what you are worried about, and I am fully aware that I am the one to blame on the way things have gotten down that afternoon. I have let my feelings cloud my judgment. I have let this thing, whatever it is that we have between us, that wasn't even supposed to happen in the first place, take place way longer than it should have. I didn't cut it off, being your superior, putting both of our careers on the line." Sullivan takes the blame, even though Andy knows that ugly fight was partly her fault too.
"So you are off the hook for this one, but starting now, I expect you to respect me." He continues his speech. "You won't defy my words, won't pick fights. You can have your opinions on things, opinions I very much value, but when we are on call, I am the one who makes the decisions, because I outrank you. This, us, it has to end, this can't happen again." He stops and closes his eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath. "Because it takes a toll on the both of us, one that neither of us should pay. I hope you will understand that if it was only my reputation at risk, I would let it burn to ashes if it meant I would get to feel this thing we have just one more time. But I am doing this so you will be able to fulfill your dream, because I know you can, and I know you will get there one day. And I have no intention to stand in your way."
"This is the version of the story you tell yourself so you will be able to sleep better at night? That this was a mistake? That you are putting a stop to the only thing that makes me feel alive, because you want me to be able to pursue my dreams? That's a load of nonsense. I am so tired of men who think they know what's best for me. Let me ask you one thing. How can something that feels so right, can be as wrong as you describe it to be?"
"One day, I will be more than proud to call you Fire Chief Andrea Herrera." He avoids answering her question.
It seems as if she was the one more affected by him all along, as she assumed from the beginning.
"Anything else, captain?"
"Your father has been here today." He notes, as if she hasn't seen him at the station earlier this morning.
"Well, have you told him that you have been screwing his daughter every chance you got for the last couple of months? I am sure he will be delighted." She bites.
"Now you are making it sound like I was the one forcing myself on you. Let's just agree that it was a sexual relationship that we both wanted and consented to equally. Let's agree to put the attraction we had in the past where it belongs. This cannot happen anymore, ever again."
"Oh, I have already put all of this behind me." Andy spits out as she turns around and yanks the door open, not waiting for her captain to dismiss her.
She climbs up the stairs, two by two, and sits down as she reaches the top. She leans her head back and closes her eyes for a moment.
Breath In, then out. In, and out again.
When she finally calms down, she fishes her phone out of her pocket and scrolls through the names on the contact list, until the name she has been looking for pops up on the screen.
She presses dial and waits for the familiar voice on the other side to be heard. "Come on, Come on, pick up." Andy coaxes, as if it will actually make some kind of a difference.
"Hey, you have reached Doctor Meredith Grey. I can't take your call right now, but leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible." Shit. She must be in surgery.
Andy hears her phone beeps, signaling her to start speaking, but it takes her a long moment before she actually finds her words. "Hey Mer, it is me, please call me back when you hear this." Andy places the hand that isn't holding the phone to her ear on her forehead. "I just need a friend right now."
Two days earlier
"Spend the night." Robert asks quietly. He rolls over, turning from lying on his abdomen to lying on his back, naked as the day he was born, his limbs sprawled all across the queen sized bed, a content look on his face. She sits on the bed right beside him, a thin white sheet covering her body all the way to her waist.
"You know this is not the kind of thing we have." Andy says, fighting the reflex to reach out and touch him. She really can't keep her hands to herself around him. They have been doing this for months now, sneaking around, getting tangled in each other in the wee hours of the night. Yet it is never enough for her. Everytime he takes his clothes off, the urge to touch, to explore, is uncontrollable. As if there will always be a new path for her to discover in the road map that is his body.
"What do other people have that we don't, that makes them spend the night with each other?"
"It is called a relationship. And what we have, it is just hate sex." She can't help it, her hands find their own way to him. She starts trailing one finger around his abs, outlining the defined shape of every pack with her fingers.
"You spent the night the first time we met." He notes, and sighs as her fingers start moving lower, still circling his defined muscles.
"We didn't do much sleeping that night. Or any at all, if I recall correctly." Andy smiles at him, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.
"Why did you come here? To my place? You haven't been here since that night. We are always sneaking around the station, so you will have an excuse to flee as soon as you like to." He asks out of curiosity. They have been doing this a lot, those bed conversations, and even though she is always the one to eventually leave, never stays more than a few minutes, she knows well enough it is about more than sex by now.
It is still the only time they can talk to each other without arguing, without yelling so much that the entire team stares, without him making her feel like she wants to pull all of her hair out of her scalp.
"I was horny, and a little bit drunk, and very much alone." She answers truthfully, her hand trails a bit further down, and she can see him starting to go hard beneath her hand.
"So this is all it is? A way for you to temporarily ease the loneliness we are both feeling?" He inquires, and there is no blame in his voice, just the desire to know.
Andy pulls the sheet up all the way to cover her breasts with her free hand, his question suddenly making her feel vulnerable. "Please don't do it." She pleads. "I don't know what you want to hear, and even if I did I am not sure I can say it."
They are quiet for a long while after that. He doesn't push, and she is afraid to say anything that will tear the fragile thing they have apart. She finally settles on "I do know that this thing we have, it makes me happy, it makes me feel bliss and satisfaction. It also makes me so terrified."
"You have taken pride in being brave before, but you have mentioned you are scared a few times by now." He observes, yet he doesn't ask her to give him a reason. Andy's hands trail further down, now caressing his inner thigh, deliberately avoiding the area she knows he needs her the most. She knows that when she finally touches him there, all talking will be stopped.
"We are now living in a very beautiful, pink, exciting, sexy little bubble, where we sneak around and enjoy each other. A place where we don't have to answer to anyone but our own desires. But this is a bubble nonetheless, and it's bound to pop right in our faces, as all bubbles do. I guess I am scared because I am having so much fun, I don't want it to end. I am scared because when it ends, we will both have to handle a fair share of debris."
"Why are you so sure this is bound to end? Why can't we enjoy this forever?"
"Because from my life experience, good things tend to get taken away from me quickly." She admits.
This conversation went from sexy to dark in no time at all.
"Come here." Robert asks, reaching out a hand for her to take. Andy hovers on top of him, and places a feather light kiss on his lips. He takes her head between his hands, and soon their kiss deepens. It is wet and hot, and they both know where it is leading.
He doesn't make any promises they both know he can't keep. He doesn't try to reassure her, doesn't try to comfort her, doesn't try to tell her that everything will be alright, that he will keep her safe and sound. Instead, they communicate with their bodies, the way they do so often. They find their familiar pace in no time at all and move to the rhythm of it.
Something inside her feels final when she comes for the second time that night, but she pushes it back, making herself believe it is just their conversation that made her think the worst case scenario is already here.
Her eyelids feel heavy when she finally rolls off of him, so when he asks her again to sleep in his arms that night, she finally lets loose, and falls easily into a dreamless sleep .
She lets herself be taken care of by this man, just this once.
Author's note:
Thank you for reading!
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