Hello everyone! I don't own anything unfortunately, not even Leonard Cohen's beautiful lyrics! Also, I want to warn that there will be mention of alcohol and drug use in this chapter and likely a few subsequent chapters. With that said, on with the show and thanks for the new feedback!
I wandered the familiar asphalt streets of privet drive in my oversized rain jacket, the street lamps casting orbs of dull, yellow light as I passed under them. I shifted the bottle of gin I was carrying to my left hand to give the right a break; I knew Uncle Vernon wouldn't miss it since he only drank when his horrible sister visited or one of his coworkers came over for dinner.
I'd slept well the first night after returning from Kings Cross station, collapsing into bed as soon as I made it up the stairs. Each subsequent night was followed by intense nightmares that left my body trembling, throat raw from screaming. I'd even woken once to find my fingernails torn off; scratches on my face and where I had clawed at my wooden headboard in my sleep. I'd carefully applied the cream Dumbledore had given to me at the end of term to the scratches on my cheeks, hopeful they'd heal just as well as the ugly mark along my forearm had. As much as I hated to admit it, Snape was something of a genius when it came to healing potions and salves.
I'd started to take the Dreamless Sleep potions after that, but had used up all the vials after just a week. Aunt Petunia had refused meals once the nightmares returned, until I "got myself under control and stopped terrifying the neighbors" as she put it. Uncle Vernon had been even less pleased with my screaming in the night, threatening to kick me out permanently if I didn't stop it. Luckily the Dursley's would all be going on holiday to Mykonos in a week, and while I was under strict instructions to stay at Mrs. Figg's house in the daytime while they were away, she didn't have a spare bedroom so I'd still get a key to the house where I would try to get some sleep while they were gone.
I'd thought about owling Dumbledore to tell him the Dursley's would be leaving soon, hoping he would allow me to stay at Grimmauld Place while they were away. But then I'd thought of the nightmares, and how I was having to numb my mind with alcohol each night, and I decided against it. I wanted Sirius to be proud of me, as hardly any adults in my life were. He didn't need to see how weak I'd become. I wasn't someone that anybody could be proud of right now. I quickly uncapped the full bottle of gin and took a long swig to push that thought back, the inside of my nose burning as I swallowed.
I'd barely even heard from Ron and Hermione since we'd left Hogwarts; both of them had generously responded to my pleas to send food but ignored my even more veracious appetite for news of the Wizarding World. I had no clue what was happening now that Voldemort had risen once again, and I found myself obsessively checking my back pocket for my wand throughout the day and night; always breathing a sigh of relief when I felt its rough, reassuring outline.
I walked quickly, turning each corner of the neighborhood with confidence as I drew near to the children's park. I made my way towards the swing set, weaving in-between the jungle gym and the tall, metal slide that had been in place for as long as I could remember. I'd nearly slipped as I'd climbed to the top of that slide once, scrambling up to get away from Dudley and his friends when we were young children. They'd given up the chase once I began to pelt rocks at them from my perch at the top of the slide, scurrying back to the Dursley's house for milk and cookies. Even though I'd been locked in my cupboard for days after Dudley cried to Aunt Petunia about that incident, it didn't stop me from always having a stash of rocks in my pocket just in case.
I let my feet dangle and drag on the sandy ground as I slowly swung on the bright red swing-set, going at a leisurely pace so I wouldn't accidentally spill my drink all over myself. I couldn't afford to waste it if I was going to get through this summer; I was already concerned that the dwindling amount left in the Dursley's alcohol cabinet wouldn't be enough. Luckily I was still a lightweight since I'd rarely drank before now — only at the occasional Gryffindor House party or with my team after a victorious quidditch match.
I felt my eyes begin to grow heavy, desperately needing to rest after the full day of gardening Aunt Petunia had made me do. I shrugged off my jacket, hoping the cool evening air might help me to stay awake and taking another drink of gin to numb my senses. The alcohol was a distraction more than anything — if I was drunk then I wouldn't have to think about Cedric or Voldemort or Sirius or anyone. It made not caring a whole lot easier, and that was what I needed. I was tired of being in pain and of my mind going back to moments I'd prefer never to remember again.
I continued to drink, making a face at each burning gulp, until I started to feel the warm, numbing effect I'd begun to crave. I rose from the swing, swaying slightly on my feet as I made my way to the kids roundabout, laying on the edge so that I could push my feet off from the ground and gain some momentum. Looking up at the cloudless sky revealed hardly any stars compared to the number you could see from Hogwarts; I was too close to London now, and light pollution was hiding the night sky behind a hazy dome.
This had become my new evening routine: drink, spin around on the roundabout, and try not to think. I'd left the Dursley's just after midnight, so I still had six more hours to myself. I began to hum a low tune as I spun, the drink making my head go foggy as I tried to remember the words to a song that was lurking in the back of my mind…
"I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm/Your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm/Yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new/In city and in forest they smiled like me and you/But now it's come to distances and both of us must try/Your eyes are soft with sorrow/Hey, that's no way to say goodbye"
I whisper-sang the lyrics to myself, trying and failing to forget the night Cedric and I had compared muggle and magical music, sitting side by side in the Astronomy Tower where we'd wandered to after leaving the Yule Ball. I'd been in stitches as I tried to put my headphones in Cedric's ears —he'd kept pulling away in nervousness, incorrectly thinking he might be electrocuted if he wore them.
"Trust me, that's not how it works!" I'd said with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, "You really should pay more attention in muggle studies!"
He'd eventually relented and we sat with one headphone each, warming charms around us as we sat huddled in one another's arms. He'd heard some of the classic muggle songs, of course, but was enthralled with every new band and artist I introduced him to. He'd plucked me off the floor halfway through "Can't Help Falling in Love" and we swayed gently side to side, my long green dress brushing the floor when he twirled me. We both came together for a kiss just as the song ended, and I hadn't had to reach far to meet his lips. Wearing high heels definitely has its advantages, I'd thought as our kiss intensified. His lips were hard and demanding against mine, one of his hands on my hip and the other cradling the back of my neck as he pushed me backwards, stopping when my back made contact with the cold limestone wall next to the Tower door. The headphones dropped to the ground as my arms went around his neck and his tongue entered my mouth. The kiss deepened and his hands reached up to pull the straps of my dress down over my shoulders, his lips breaking apart from mine as he kissed down my neck to the nook in my collarbone, my hands grabbing fistfuls of the hair at the base of his skull.
STOP! A wise voice in my head said. No, don't think about him!
This was how most of my nights had gone this past week since I'd run out of sleeping potion. Memories — of saying goodbye to Cedric's cold body, of seeing a green light and hearing my mother scream as she was murdered, of dementors nearly sucking out my godfather's soul — they would come early in the night before I blocked them out with alcohol. The night grew colder as time passed and eventually I zipped my jacket closed again, singing whatever song that popped into my head under my breath.
I began to drift into a lazy sleep as I drained more of the bottle, my mind barely past the point of a weak meditative state when I heard laughter, not too far off from the park. I rose onto my elbows, suddenly wide awake, and squinted behind my glasses to get a better look at the three figures that were approaching.
Strange, I thought, I've never seen anyone here this early before. The park was always empty when I was here, everyone in the neighborhood still sound asleep when I arrived and when I returned to the Dursely's just before break of dawn. I was starting to make out the figures better as they got closer and could see they were about my age, maybe a bit older. They were all holding cans of beer and I could see a few blazing red spots in the darkness as they puffed on their cigarettes. I thought about leaving before they could notice me, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep awake and would have nightmares if I went back to the Dursley's early, and I really needed a decent meal from Aunt Petunia this morning. A loud grumble came from my stomach as if to back up my thoughts and I decided to stay put.
"Hey!" a distinctly female voice cried out as the group drew close, pausing to stand across from me. "What's your name?"
"I'm Rose" I replied, self-consciously smoothing my bangs over my forehead and clutching the glass bottle tightly in my fist "And your name?"
"I'm Beth" the girl replied, "and this is Todd and Jacob, since I know they're too high to introduce themselves at the minute."
They'd all giggled stupidly at that introduction, Todd and Jacob laughing as if it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard.
"Nah mate, if I was high could I do this?" Todd proceeded to sprint up the jungle gym, climbing on top of the monkey bars and walking across them with his arms held out for balance. He dismounted somewhat clumsily, tripping over his feet as he made his way back towards us as Jacob applauded and Beth and I laughed.
"Impressive, don't you think Rose?" Beth asked, turning towards me. She had a silver nose ring and jet black hair, rocking a slightly smeared, dark red lipstick.
"Very" I said, "I don't think I could do that even if I was sober."
"Ohh, watcha got there then?" Jacob asked as I raised the bottle of gin. "We'll share if you do" Todd said, eyes looking eager as he held his can of beer out towards me.
I hesitated, a flash of fear going through me. This group seemed harmless enough, but Beth mistook my hesitation.
"C'mon Jacob, no fool would trade our cheap beer for expensive gin! Where'd you get it anyway, Rose? Nick it from your parents?"
"Kinda" I replied, eyes downcast.
"Well here, what if we give you some speed pills for some of that gin?" She said, reaching into her back pocket and pulling out a baggie full of white pills.
"What do they do?" I asked curiously, still planning to turn down the offer.
"It's a stimulant, keeps you awake and gives you loads of energy. Wouldn't have passed my GCSEs without them" Beth laughs, Todd and Jacob following suit.
"Wait, really?" I knew I shouldn't be, but I was tempted to trade the gin for them. Plus, if I took these and they worked, I could stay inside during the night without falling asleep and having nightmares.
"Just make sure you have something to do when you do take them, or you'll be climbing the walls" Todd chortled, Jacob slapping his thigh as he joined in the laughter.
"Hyper-focus, yeah" Beth said, "Find some task to focus on, and that's the only thing your brain will think of for hours and hours."
That sold it to me. If I could stop drinking to block thoughts out and instead just take these pills and focus my mind on a task not related to Cedric, I'd be golden. Maybe I'd be pulled together enough to face Sirius if Dumbledore let me see him while the Dursley's were on vacation!
I nodded vigorously, holding out the gin for Jacob to take while Beth laughed at my eagerness and handed me the bag of pills "You've got exams pretty soon too then, huh?" she said smirking.
I realized the sun had just started to rise, peaking over the horizon and casting golden rays across the park.
"Shit, I gotta go." I said, standing as I shoved the pills into my jacket pocket. I didn't want to think what accusations Aunt Petunia would hurl at me if she caught me sneaking back into the house.
I started to jog back to the entrance of the park when Todd called out "Well bye then!"
"Bye, thanks!" I called over my shoulder, picking up my pace as I rounded the drive and turned onto the sidewalk. I shoved a piece of mint chewing gum into my mouth as I ran, hoping it would take any scent of alcohol away.
I made it back in record time, probably thanks to all the training I'd done for the tournament. I heaved myself up onto the roof overhang, using the gutter to get a good grip before pulling my body up and through my open window. I landed with a soft thud onto my bed, hanging my jacket back up in the wardrobe and taking my trainers off. I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face as I clutched the pills to my chest, relief flooding through me. Finally, something that would help! I thought. Much better than any Dreamless Sleep potion Snape could make too, I'd bet.
I shoved the pills under my mattress before giving Hedwig some treats and hurrying to the kitchen to start making breakfast before Aunt Petunia woke, practically skipping as I went down the staircase.