I padded out of the shower with my damp hair hanging limply down to my waist, dressed in one of Tonk's purple T-shirts and a pair of black pants I had to roll up around my ankles in order to walk. I'd tucked the baggie of stimulants in a dusty wooden cupboard on the landing near Tonk's room, burying them beneath old, moldy blankets where no one would have reason to look.
I found Sirius and Remus sitting in the dining room again, speaking in hushed tones and then quieting when I entered. I'd taken as long as I could in the shower to avoid the conversation that I knew was coming from my father-figures, still extremely embarrassed and ashamed that they now knew the truth, thanks to Snape. I'd desperately wanted to be with Sirius ever since he'd left me in the Hospital Wing the night Cedric was murdered, but avoiding him seemed like the easier thing to do now. I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes, knowing I'd been caught out and contrite in the knowledge that they were upset with me.
Sirius got up from his chair and hugged me tightly, putting one of his hands on the nape of my neck to hold me close to his chest.
"I'm sorry Rosie" Sirius said, emotion heavy in his voice "I'm so sorry love, if I hadn't been so sick I would've tried harder to convince Dumbledore to let you stay here." He kissed the top of my head "I'd have taken care of you properly and then none of this would've happened. You won't ever be going back to live with those muggles, I swear."
"I thought I was going to lose you" I sobbed against him, never wanting to let go. I felt safe with him as I never had with anyone else; protected in a way that I'd longed for since being able to want anything "I was sure you were going to leave me."
"It's alright now, Rose. I wouldn't go down that easily. You're safe here, nothing will happen to you now."
Sirius let me go and Remus quickly enfolded me in another hug, pulling away and looking me up and down. He brushed my bangs back from my forehead, inspecting the wound on my temple. "How do you feel?"
"Alright. I'm not dizzy anymore, just tired" I admitted, feeling the effects of the stimulant wearing off and my adrenaline levels going back to normal after the dementor attack.
"Are you hungry?" Tonk's head suddenly popped out of the kitchen "What would you like?"
"I'm fine, thanks Tonks" I said, smiling at the muscle man apron she had on.
"Tonks, can you make her some hot chocolate please" Remus called out, "It'll help, you still look deathly pale" he said, stroking my cheek.
A hot cup of cocoa floated out from the kitchen and into my hands, two marshmallows bobbing on the surface. I took slow sips at the pipping hot liquid, feeling warmth trickle down my chest and heat come back into my fingers.
"Thanks" I mumbled, my hands tight on the mug and my shoulders tight with tension at the conversation I knew was about to happen. I hadn't always been the best kid, I knew. I broke rules and got myself into trouble at school, but I'd never gone this far before and I knew there would be consequences. Not that I cared overly much; I would do whatever I needed to do if it made me feel better about that night in the graveyard.
"Darling, I know you've been struggling with losing Cedric…" Sirius paused, clearing his throat. He'd been less than receptive to the idea of me having a boyfriend when I wrote to him about Cedric, replying that I was far too young and should be focusing on school and getting through the tournament alive. Remus had met Cedric briefly when he came to watch me perform in the first task, but Cedric and I were barely even friendly by that point in our relationship. It didn't matter now, of course. Cedric would never get the chance to change Sirius's mind, not that Cedric had known the complete truth about my godfather.
"But trust me, you don't want to lean on muggle drugs and alcohol to get through it. You're still so young, Rose, you're not even the legal drinking age for Merlin's sake!" He said, quickly becoming angry. "Promise me that you'll stop. Before it gets more out of hand, I never want to see you taking anything or drinking again, understand?"
I nodded mutely, eyes downcast. "No, I want to hear you promise."
"I promise" I said, hoping I'd be strong enough to keep it, but knowing that probably wouldn't be the case as my mind drifted longingly to the pills hidden upstairs.
"Good" Sirius said with finality. I could tell he was uncomfortable telling me off and wanted to end the conversation, but Remus cut in "You know how dangerous it is, don't you? You're already vulnerable enough as it is, mixing drink and pills into the equation is just not an option. I understand needing a crutch, believe me, and Snape will figure out which potions will be best to help you. But you've exhausted your body; you were pushing yourself too hard preparing for the tournament as it was in my opinion. And that on top of hardly sleeping and drinking heavily on a daily basis these past weeks, it's no wonder you weren't able to produce a patronus."
"I'm not exhausted!" I said in annoyance, "I was caught off guard, I never expected to see a dementor in Surrey! I could produce one now if I needed to, it was just the surprise of it all." I said confidently, trying to convince them, and myself, that I was perfectly fine.
Sirius and Remus glanced at one another dubiously. Tonks appeared then, setting a big plate of eggs and sausages in-between Remus and Sirius. "Let's find out then" she said, striding towards me. "There's a bogart upstairs that needs sorting, come with me."
"Tonks, no. She needs to rest, this is no time to prove a point."
"She needs to understand, Remus. We won't always be here to look after her, she needs to understand her limitations and how weak her magic can become if she doesn't look after herself properly"
"That's what I'm worried about!" Remus said, standing. "She's going to get sick if we push her too hard again."
"I'm not going to get sick! Honestly, I can get rid of a little boggart!" I was surprised at how firm Tonks was being with me, she was usually so light-hearted and laid-back. But I felt I needed to prove a point to them all now. I knew I could hold my own. In spite of the pills, I could continue on normally if I needed to. In fact, I could probably operate better while taking them, as I knew without them I became a grieving, pathetic shell of myself and I hated being that vulnerable.
"Fine. Prove it" She said, leading the way upstairs. I followed suit, Sirius and Remus coming up more slowly behind me. We kept climbing flight after flight before reaching what must be the attic. Tonks stood beside an old cupboard while Remus and Sirius moved to a corner of the drafty room, both of them drawing their wands and crossing their arms across their chest.
"Ready?" Tonks said.
I gave a quick nod of my head, took a deep breathe and raised my wand. You can do this, I thought. Prove to Remus and Sirius that they have nothing to worry about. Make them proud.
Tonks whipped open the cupboard door, the lights dimming and the room going cold as a dementor floated from the dark cupboard and into the room. My wand arm began shaking with the effort of trying to produce the spell; I knew I could do it, but the effort was tremendous.
"Expecto Patronum!" I yelled, flourishing my wand. Nothing happened, not even the slightest whisp of silver came from the tip of my wand. I tried again with the same result, my knees shaking with the effort of not passing out as I heard my mother's scream building in my head.
"Expecto Patronum!" I screamed, furious when nothing happened for the third time. I dropped to me knees, seeing stars in my vision, before hearing Sirius stride over "Enough!" he said, quickly vanishing the bogart back into the cupboard. I wrapped my hands around my stomach, trying to get my breath back and feeling completely zapped of energy.
"See?" Tonks said "I hate to say I told you so, but there you have it. Did you honestly think we'd let you use underage magic outside of school if we remotely believed you were strong enough to conjure anything? You've been relying on those pills to keep you going, you can't do that anymore or else this is what happens. Take it from someone who knows" she continued, her eyes taking on a far-away look. "I know you think you can manage this, that you'll remain invincible which often seems to be the case with you. But it catches up to you. At your prime, when you're taking care of yourself, you're an incredibly talented witch. But you need to keep yourself strong and healthy."
I was shocked at my complete inability to produce something, anything. I knew I'd been getting weaker since leaving Hogwarts, but I'd accounted for it by the lack of meals and then working outside all day for Aunt Petunia. Surely the stimulants had little to do with how shattered I was feeling?
Sirius kneeled beside me then, putting his hand on my back. "You'll be taken care of while you're here Rose. You'll gain your strength back, don't worry about your magic too much right now"
"But…I can't conjure anything! I can't have lost my magic surely? That's not possible is it?"
"When a witch or wizard is under a great deal of stress, or if they've endured something as traumatic as you have, then it's possible that they can lose their powers for a time, yes. But that doesn't mean you're not a witch; it's just a sign that you desperately need to rest and manage whatever's causing distress."
I was still panicking, and Sirius stroked my back, trying to comfort me.
"Rose please, it'll be alright. You've tried to push this grief away; I know that's the only reason you started drinking and taking the pills. You wouldn't have started using them if you hadn't thought you had another option, I know that. But what happened to Cedric isn't your fault. You haven't lost him. Remember, you can always find him in here" he said, patting my chest right over my heart.
"No offense Sirius, but that's crap. It's not enough. I don't feel anything there…I want to be angry, I want to scream and cry and wallow in it but I can't. I don't know how to grieve for him. I just want him back!" I wailed "I want to forget I ever knew him!"
"No, Rose, that's not it. You need to give into your grief. You'll drown in it at first, but then you'll start swimming and keep swimming until you get stronger and can bear it. You've been trying to push it away; you need to give in and deal with it so you can get better."
I knew he was right, but I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. It was so much easier to distract myself and keep my mind occupied with other things rather than deal with what had happened to Cedric.
"Come on, up you get. That's enough for one day" Remus said, looking pointedly at Tonks as he helped me to my feet "It's been a few hours since you last got sick, you should be fine to fall asleep now. Unless you have an appetite and want to eat something first?"
"No, I'm fine" I said, feeling a headache coming on as I straightened up. They led me to a room on the same landing as Tonks', Remus closing the shades as Sirius led me to the bed.
"Rest now. It'll be okay, I promise you" Remus said, squeezing my shoulder.
Sirius gave me a sad smile before heading towards the door.
"You need to tell her" I heard Tonks say quietly, peering into the room "It'll be worse if you wait until tomorrow."
"Tell me what?" I said, panic rising in my chest once again as I sat up from the creaky bed.
"Damn it, Tonks. You're not making this easy" Sirius said, glaring at her.
"Candor is better in these situations, trust me. Putting it off won't help anything. She needs to know if she's going to prepare herself."
"Please just tell me, whatever it is" I begged, glancing between Remus and Sirius.
Sirius sighed, clutching the door handle tightly in his fist as he nodded to Remus "Tell her."
"Dumbledore assigned us another mission when he was here this morning, Rose. We're leaving tomorrow."
"WHAT!?" I shrieked "Sirius isn't ready, he just barely recovered! It's too dangerous, and won't you be recognized?" I asked, looking up at Sirius pleadingly as he stroked my hair, trying to comfort me.
"That's the thing with this mission; Dumbledore needs an animagus for his plan to be successful"
"Then send McGonagall! Please I — I need you here. Please, don't leave me again, Sirius"
Sirius looked unbelievably hurt and guilty, his face crumpling as I begged him over and over not to go.
"I have to do my part, Rose, I'm sorry. It's to protect you in the long run, Merlin knows the ministry isn't doing anything about the Dark Lord returning to power, so we have to."
"Fine!" I said defiantly, getting to my feet despite Sirius trying to keep me down "I'll go with you then. No one wants Voldemort defeated more than me, I'll fight him with you"
"Rose, you can't. You know that" He said, eyebrows pulled together and lips drawn tightly together.
"Please" I continued to beg him, sobbing again. I never used to cry, I realized. I really had become so incredibly weak. "Please don't go."
"It won't be for long, Rose. Plus Order members tend to come in and out of Headquarters all the time, we have weekly meetings here you know, so you won't get lonely" Tonks put in, trying to make me feel better.
"Fine then, go! Go ahead and leave me, you don't care!" I screamed at them, knowing I was behaving like a child but feeling far too vulnerable and miserable to stop myself from lashing out.
"Rose, no" Sirius said, leaning towards me with deep hurt in his eyes, but I pushed him away and moved to the other side of the room. My tears were replaced by a blinding rage, and I stood ramrod straight as I regarded them.
"Just leave" I said, for the first time feeling that a barrier had been erected between Sirius and I. He was supposed to choose me above everything else, wasn't he? I'd never had anyone in my life who would do that, but Sirius was the closest thing and he'd let me down.
Sirius swallowed hard before walking out the door, thumping loudly down the stairs. Tonks put a vial of purplish potion, Dreamless Sleep I knew, on the bedside table before leaving. Remus lingered longer, clearly searching for something to say and failing. I got tired of waiting for him to leave, so I quickly chugged the vial of potion before falling dramatically into bed and turning my back to him.
"Sleep well, Rosie" I heard him say in resignation before the door clicked shut behind him and the potion compelled me to shut my eyes.
—
I arrived at Privet Drive late in the afternoon, still shaken at the sight of the dementors trying to perform the kiss on Potter earlier in the day. I tried not to think about how close of a call it had been, and as annoyed as I was at the dog Black for pointing out my near failure, I knew he was right. Dumbledore had remained at the ministry all day trying to work out what had happened but hit roadblock after roadblock thanks to Cornelius Fudge.
I stepped across the threshold of the Dursely's house after unlocking their front door, resolving to get in and out as quickly as possible, when I trod across a purple envelope sitting on the front doormat.
"Damn it!" I thought, recognizing that it was from the Ministry. I opened the letter quickly, scanning what was written before shoving it into my front pocket, muttering under my breath as I climbed the stairs to Rose's bedroom. It was a notice of expulsion from Hogwarts for performing underage magic. So they had been able to trace her magic after all, if you could even call it that, I thought. They would have to let her off the hook as her life had most definitely been in danger as she was poorly attempting to save herself from the dementors, but if Fudge was being as difficult as Dumbledore had said, then it might not be that easy.
The spotless house was eerie to be in; clean as it was it felt like no one lived here at all, certainly not two teenagers. I heard Potter's owl start screeching as I made my way into the bedroom, conjuring water for her before opening the cage and bedroom window. "She's at Grimmauld Place" I said, and the owl swopped out the window without a backwards glance. I turned and looked around the small bedroom, bereft of anything that would mark it as a teenage girl's room save a small bed, desk and clothes cupboard. She had tacked up a Griffyndor flag near the door and had hung surprisingly good sketches of her owl and even a few of her friends above the desk.
It felt bizarre to be in here alone, but curiosity was getting the better of me. I noticed deep, zig-zagging scratches in her headboard as if she'd scraped her fingernails down the wooden surface, surely receiving some nasty splinters in the process. A small trash can by her window was full of empty potions vials. But surely she hadn't gone through that many in such a short amount of time? I'd barely sent that package a week ago! I moved away, noting a thick pile of completed summer assignments perched on the edge of her desk, then startling when a floorboard sank significantly beneath my weight. I lifted the loose board to find a stash of letters and old food. And a number of empty liquor bottles.
"Oh, Merlin" I muttered. "Stupid child, what are you doing to yourself?"
I quickly cast a packing incantation, watching Potter's belongings soar around the room and into her trunk. My eyes narrowed at what looked like an invisibility cloak, folded neatly on top of her possessions. "Well, that certainly explains a lot" I muttered under my breath, curious how many scrapes she'd gotten herself out of with the help of that cloak.
I'd taken too long looking around the room and the sun had almost set, so I hurried down the stairs with her trunk in hand. Though there must've been a dozen photographs in total, I noticed that there were no photographs of Potter hung in the stairwell. Even in "family" portraits she seemed to be missing. I shook the rage that had been building inside me since seeing the empty liquor bottles and made my way to the cupboard under the stairs, which was heavily padlocked for some reason. I made short work of the locks and the cupboard creaked open, a few cleaning supplies balancing on a low shelf and above that a stack of dusty school books, which I quickly put into her trunk. Potter had let slip that this was her old "room" the last we'd spoke, and it seemed clear that she was telling the truth seeing as a paper-thin mattress and a handful of children's toys were scattered around the floor of the cupboard.
How long was she kept in here? I wondered, disgusted that Petunia would let her sister's daughter sleep and play in such a place.
I exited the house quickly, feeling slightly nauseous with everything I'd just seen, which had painted a very real and disturbing image of what the girl's childhood had looked like. I apparated to Grimmauld Place, entering unceremoniously and dropping Potter's trunk and birdcage at the foot of the massive stairwell. I heard voices coming from the dining room, one of the only rooms in the decrepit house that was useable, and made my way across the hall. The sun had just set so the only light from the room was emitted by the giant, roaring fireplace in the far corner.
"Severus" Remus acknowledged unenthusiastically.
"Where is she?" I asked, noticing that only Remus, Sirius and Tonks were sat quietly at the table, dinner plates laden with roast beef and potatoes.
"She's asleep" Sirius replied, looking forlorn and exhausted as he picked at his food.
"Madame Pomfrey asked me to check on Potter. She should be eating anyway, I'll go get her" I replied, making my way upstairs with shockingly no argument coming from Sirius, who had simply nodded his head in agreement.
I went into the only spare bedroom that was habitable on the first landing, apart from the room Tonks had claimed, and could just make out Potter's sleeping form in the near pitch-black. I turned the bedroom light on but she made no movement to wake, her breath remaining steady. It might be easier to examine her as she sleeps, I thought to myself, and softly made my way over to the bed. Her pulse was strong and steady, and the injury to her temple had healed nicely, though it was still slightly swollen.
"Potter" I said, hoping she'd wake with little encouragement "Potter, wake up." She remained unresponsive, so I said her name more forcefully and gave her shoulder a quick shake. Her eyelids fluttered and she mumbled something unintelligible, but then she rolled over and was out like a light once again. I noticed an empty vial on the bedside table and plucked it up, knowing it was Dreamless Sleep from the strong scent of lavender emanating from the few remaining drops of potion. Damn, I thought. I was going to have to wean her off the stuff if the empty vials in her trashcan had indicated how much she'd been ingesting.
I considered just letting her sleep, but I knew she'd practically had nothing to eat these past weeks, so I shook her again and tugged on her arm. "Potter, up!" I nearly yelled, which did the trick as she bolted into a sitting position, eyes wide. She recoiled from my grip on her arm, pushing my hand away and reaching desperately for her glasses.
"Here" I said, handing them to her.
"Snape?" She asked, sleep thick in her voice.
"Your things are downstairs and its supper time, come on" I said, walking out onto the landing while she got up. She stumbled a bit as she moved to the door, probably a mixture of drowsiness and remaining symptoms of the concussion. She looked pale, feet dragging as she followed me down the stairs.
"Your things are here" I said indicating the trunk "Your owl should arrive any minute."
She nodded, looking awkward. The shirt she'd donned, no doubt one of Tonk's, was tighter than what she normally would wear, making how much weight she'd lost glaringly obvious.
I cleared my throat, handing her the letter that the Ministry had sent "And this came for you." I was prepared for her overly dramatic reaction at being expelled, but it didn't come.
She squinted down at the parchment, eyes moving rapidly across the page "Oh…well, that's that then." She began to amble away from me, moving in the direction of the stairs.
"Miss Potter!" I yelled after her, concerned at her dead-pan response "It's by no means final. There will probably be a small trial, but they won't convict you for trying to defend yourself. Dumbledore is speaking with the Minister right now"
"Trying, yes" she replied, putting emphasis on the first word. "It doesn't matter, I'm not a witch anymore."
"What on Earth are you talking about?"
"You saw me, you must've. I couldn't cast a stupid patronus, not even to save myself!" Her voice rose, impassioned. "And earlier, upstairs….just, absolutely nothing!"
I sighed, annoyed at how dramatic she was being "You're overreacting per usual, Potter. Once you recover your ability to perform magic will return. You can't ever stop being a witch, it's impossible. Now, come down here, I haven't finished talking to you" I said, trying to keep my ire in check.
She looked furious but nonetheless came to stand in front of me again.
"Now, I know you have pills stashed her somewhere." I started, my voice dripping with menace
"They weren't in your room when I packed your things, and I know you took a pill before you left Mrs. Figg's to go running. So bring them to me right now!" I demanded, going into full-blown intimidating professor mode.
That got a response out of her, I thought smugly as she quivered with fear at being caught out.
"Please sir, don't" she begged, "I — I need them, please"
"I don't care what you think you need. From now on, unless I prescribe you something, you're not to drink or take any medication. Now go get the pills"
Her eyes flickered up the staircase, an involuntary reaction that gave away where she'd hidden the pills, and in spite of her obvious fear she stood firm "No!"
We glared at one another, a battle of wills, seeing whose stubbornness would win out.
"Should I call your dear dogfather out to help me find them then? Just say the word, and I'll get him and Remus involved in this too. We'll see what they think about the precious golden girl then."
Her shoulders slumped down in defeat, and she made her way upstairs, riffling through a cabinet full of foul-smelling blankets and producing a baggie of small white pills. I snatched them from her shaking hands, pushing her away from the cabinet so that I could open all its drawers, checking to make sure she hadn't hidden them anywhere else.
"This better be all of them" I said, shoving the baggie deep into my coat pocket. "Remember that I still have your confiscated broomstick in my office, and if you lie to me ever again, I will blast it to smithereens. Understand?"
She nodded, hunched over and looking at the dusty floorboards. I could feel panic build in my charmed ring, and my tone softened "I'll bring more potions by tomorrow morning that will help you. But do not take anything else until then, not even a sleeping draught tonight."
" 'Kay" she mumbled, shuffling off towards her room. "Potter, go downstairs and eat! You look like a skeleton."
"Thanks" she spat out sarcastically, still walking towards her room "Not hungry."
I groaned in frustration, reaching up to pull at the roots of my hair in exasperation before giving up and calling out "You will eat when I come back tomorrow morning."
She responded by slamming her bedroom door behind her.
Such a brat! I thought, making my way to the front door so I could apparate back to Hogwarts and finish bottling the potions I'd concocted for her. Ungrateful, spoiled —aghh! My dark mark burned fiercely just as I'd reached the exit.
"Lupin!" I yelled out, and he came rushing along the corridor with Black and Tonks hot on his heels. "Tell Dumbledore I've been called" I said between clenched teeth, gripping my forearm tightly before flinging the door open and spinning on the spot — bright streaks of light from the streetlamps painted white slashes across my vision as I apparated into the dark night.