I paced back and forth across the dusty floorboards in my room, trying and failing to quiet my mind long enough to feel drowsy. Even though I'd slept most of the day away before Snape had so rudely awakened me, my head still ached and I felt the exhaustion I'd tried too long to keep at bay sink deep into my bones. My head was full of flashbacks of Cedric, as well as new, worrisome thoughts of what might happen to Sirius and Remus on their new mission. I just got here and they're already leaving, I thought to myself.
I'd gone through so many scenarios in my head: whether I could secretly follow them to help on the mission, demand that Dumbledore induct me into the Order straight away, hide their wands to keep them here with me, but I knew that none of these ideas would work. I knew that I was being selfish. I wanted them to stay for me and ignore whatever dangerous responsibilities they had to complete for the Order. I needed them to stay safe; couldn't bear the thought of losing the only family I had ever found. I had once hoped Cedric would've become part of our wretchedly small family, but my daydreams of that scenario were rendered pointless with his death.
An image of Cedric, face serene and surprised as he stared at the night sky with eyes that saw nothing, came into my head as I continued to pace around the small room. I hadn't wanted to look, afraid to see his body and confirm what I already knew to be true, but he had been lying so close beneath me as I dangled, trapped in the arms of a gravestone sculpture that Pettigrew had bound me to. My eyes fixated on Cedric's pale face as I sobbed and screamed out when Pettigrew dragged a knife across my arm. I'd been repulsed when Voldemort pressed his foot into Cedric's face, turning it to the side. I didn't want anything to harm his precious body anymore than it already had been, and I tried fruitlessly to escape the marbled arms keeping me immobile.
Voldemort had tutted about how handsome Cedric was, mocking me when I'd screamed for him to not touch poor Cedric. Somehow he'd known about our relationship; I'm sure Draco had mentioned it to his father, who stood among the many loyal death eaters in the graveyard that night.
"Be grateful he's gone now" Voldemort had said, his scarlet eyes glinting "Your other friends won't die as painlessly as he did."
I felt the sharp pain of loss, starting at my wrists and traveling through my core and then my chest, jolting through my body in sickening waves. I moved shakily to the ground, grabbing the corner of the bed to aid my descent, and rested my back against the footboard as I pulled my knees tight into my chest.
I squeezed my eyes shut before another memory came unwittingly to mind — the night before the third task. Cedric and I had planned to go to bed early that evening, but when I'd arrived in the Gryffindor Common Room to find that Fred and George had organized a surprise party to celebrate all the hard training I'd done throughout the year, word had spread like wildfire and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws had shown up to join, Cedric included of course. We'd stayed up most of the night, scaring more than one portrait from their frame with our enthusiasm. There'd been loud cheers when a select few Durmstrang and Baeuxbatons students had arrived, Ron flushing in anger when Krum immediately made his way to Hermione, who smiled shyly at him.
Cedric had pulled me aside after most everyone save a few stragglers had left, my head falling exhaustedly on his shoulder once we sat down.
Cedric had chuckled and kissed the top of my head, "Good thing the task doesn't start until late tomorrow, otherwise it would be a sure loss for Hogwarts"
"Speak for yourself" I'd said, trying to stifle a yawn "I could take a Hungarian Horntail right here, right now"
"As if" he'd replied, snickering to himself.
"Krum and Delacour were celebrating just as hard as we were, so we'll all be on even turf tomorrow anyway."
"For my sake, I hope you're right." he'd replied, pulling me closer into his side.
I'd stifled a loud yawn before snuggling even deeper into Cedric's side, my eyes drooping closed.
We awoke tangled in one another's arms the next morning, splayed across one of the plush couches in the Common Room. We were thankfully alone, and I could tell that the sun had just begun its ascent.
Cedric was stroking my hair, and we looked deeply into one another's eyes, not willing to move away from one another yet. He had leaned down to rest his chin against my shoulder, turning his face to the side to kiss my cheek and whispering "I love you" softly into my ear.
"I love you too," I said, contently.
"No matter what happens today, I'm proud of you."
"I'm proud of us." I'd corrected, holding him close and brushing my hands through the curly hair on top of his head.
He'd smirked, a dimple forming in his chin. "Please be careful, Rose. Don't try to be the hero like last time; I was scared to death thinking you'd drowned in the Black Lake."
"I'll be careful" I replied lazily, too content in the moment to worry about the task ahead. Looking back now, I wanted to scream at him "No! You don't play the hero! Don't try and save me in that graveyard!"
Cedric had planted a firm kiss on my waiting lips before pulling away, the couch sinking against his weight and then rising back up when he stood.
"I'll see you tonight, then. Try and get some more sleep."
"See you tonight" I'd replied, and then just as he reached the portrait hole "Don't get caught on your way back. Not a good look for the Head Boy" I winked and then gestured at his bed head and crumpled robes.
"Don't put any ideas into my head, Potter" He replied, winking back at me before gracefully stepping through the portrait hole.
I was lying on my side, back in Grimmauld Place now, watching my rapid breath disturb the dust coating the floor. I tried to get a grip on myself, but it soon became impossible to hold the lapping tides of panic at bay and I gave into them, my heart thumping wildly against my chest. My hands were still sweaty and shaking once the panic attack was over, and I pushed myself slowly into a sitting position.
Damn him! I thought, aggravated that I was clearly back at square one in trying to block out my grief. He'd taken my pills and told me not to take anymore sleeping draughts? What was he playing at? He was behaving as if Dumbledore had assigned him to babysit me. What did he care if I drank myself into oblivion, it wasn't his business anyway!
I'd heard Snape call out to Lupin before leaving, but couldn't hear anything else that was said between them. It had been short whatever it was, since the front door opened so quickly after that. I was sure it was something to do with my insolent behavior, as Snape would categorize it, but couldn't care less about his threats. I was grateful that he'd saved me from the dementors, but resented that I needed his help in the first place. He so grudgingly gave assistance, and I was too proud to ever ask him for anything. Hell, I had to swallow my pride when writing to Hermione and Ron begging for food during summers at the Dursley's. And now he was coming over tomorrow to play healer. I tried not to think about what vile potions he'd force down my throat, but resolved not to fight him and give whatever he'd concocted a chance.
I drifted into a restless sleep for a few hours, waking once to find Tonks holding me close and shushing me gently as I sobbed into her shoulder over a night terror I could recall with horrific clarity. I couldn't fall asleep after that vision, of Sirius and Remus lying lifeless in a field, covered in dark red blood. The splotches of blood had transformed into eyes, dozens of pairs of Voldemort's red eyes, staring coldly at me with menace as if he could see my every move.
I rested against the headboard after Tonks left, pulling the comforter around myself before the memories became too much again. Then I quietly went downstairs to fetch my trunk, desperate for a distraction, and had just finished unpacking when the sun began to rise.
I changed out of Tonk's borrowed clothes, slipping on a heavy jumper and a pair of old jeans, then looked into an old mirror propped against the wardrobe, trying and failing to get my unruly hair into a neat ponytail.
You look shit, I thought as I stared at my reflection. No wonder Remus was worried you'd get sick yesterday. I had deep circles beneath my red-rimmed eyes, and the side of my face that had hit the sidewalk yesterday was still slightly puffy. My lower lip had a deep, red crack in it from where my teeth had been worrying at it last night. You need to pull yourself together, you are stronger than this, I lectured myself, annoyed that I couldn't get a handle on my emotions.
My head turned towards my bedroom door at the sound of the front door opening downstairs. I heard muffled voices, then footsteps coming up the creaky staircase and stopping right outside my door. Whoever it was paused momentarily before knocking.
"Rose" Sirius called out "Breakfast is almost ready, Remus made your favorite!"
I didn't answer him, still furious that he'd decided to leave me and petrified into stillness at the thought of losing him forever.
"Don't make me leave like this Rose, please…" he said, still standing on the outside of the door.
I inhaled shakily, loosening the hold on my stubbornness and deciding it would be better to at least see him before he left. I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to Cedric; I didn't want to live with that regret again if I could avoid it.
I opened the door slowly, hiding all emotion from my face as I pushed past Sirius and made my way down to the landing.
—
She looks even worse than she did yesterday, I thought as she rushed down the stairs, giving me a disdainful sidelong glance as she made her way to the dining room. The dog looked defeated as he followed her, and I wondered what he'd done to upset her so much that she'd given him the cold shoulder.
I followed the duo into the kitchen, determined that Potter would eat something today. I set my dark leather bag down onto the dining table, full of the potions Potter would be taking over the next week whether she liked it or not. I never usually ate at Headquarters, not even after our weekly Order meetings, but I hadn't had dinner last night before being called by the Dark Lord and was ravenous. I knew Potter's misery had been particularly dreadful yesterday evening, and I'd almost gone mad as her pain pulsed through the charmed ring and Voldemort droned on about loyalty and organizing an escape attempt for some of his choice followers locked away in Azkaban. I'd left the Dark Lord and apparated to Hogwarts only half an hour ago, organizing the fresh potions I'd prepared and adding a numbing tincture to the bag on account of how depressed Potter had clearly been last night.
Thankfully no snide remarks about my staying for breakfast were made, Lupin simply plopped a plate of French Toast in front of me and I dug in eagerly. Tonks came in a few minutes later, placing a kiss on Potter's head and chirping "Good morning" before taking a seat and starting a conversation with Lupin in the otherwise silent room. Potter looked on the verge of tears, the corners of her mouth drawn down. She picked unenthusiastically at her food, raising her dewy eyes every few minutes to look across the table at Sirius, lip quivering. When Tonks announced that Dumbledore was sending her on mission this evening with Hagrid, Potter looked even more crestfallen.
When I'd almost finished my breakfast I noticed that Potter had still barely touched hers, so I interrupted Lupin to bark out "Eat, Potter. You need food in your system before taking the potions I brought for you, I won't have them go to waste."
She glared across the table at me before Lupin jumped in to diffuse the conversation "He's right, Rose. You need to build your strength up" he reached across the table to fill her glass with pumpkin juice "I'm sure you're dehydrated from all the fluids you lost yesterday too, please eat something."
Her gaze met Sirius's across the table, and he nodded at her in encouragement. She gulped, making a dry sound, before sipping at the juice and raising a deliberate forkful of food up to her mouth. She'd finished half the plate in front of her before pushing it away, and soon after Remus got to his feet.
"We best leave, Sirius. We have a long day ahead of us."
The dog had been sitting contemplatively, resting his chin in his hand, but he nodded at Lupin and pushed his chair back, standing stiffly before gazing unwaveringly at Potter.
"Will it make a difference if I beg?" she asked him, lip quivering again.
His face crumpled in pain as he shook his head in denial, and I watched as he held his hand out to Potter, who after a time finally gave in and took it, coming around the table to where Black stood and embracing him. Her fingers clung tightly to his dark traveling cloak, and I knew how hard it would be to pry open her death grip. After all, I'd been the one struggling to pull her off Diggory's body as she gripped to him with an inhuman strength, screaming out as if burned when I finally succeeded in dragging her away.
Ah, I thought, Of course, that's why she's upset with her dogfather. He's leaving her again.
Black gently shifted her to his side and began to walk towards the front door where Remus had appeared with a small rucksack, Tonks standing nearby. I followed them into the entryway, surmising that they'd need assistance dealing with Potter.
"After all this is over, we'll be a proper family. You'll see." Black said, rubbing her back. Lupin touched her shoulder and she finally let go of Black to hug her former professor just as fiercely as she had her godfather.
"If I can write, I will. And I haven't even told you, Buckbeak is here too! I'm sure you'd like to see him. Tonks can show you where" Black started, obviously trying to make the blow of departure a bit easier.
Lupin had to be slightly ruff with Potter to get her to let go of him, but once they lost physical contact she backed away slowly, looking defeated but thankfully in control. Sirius gave one last smile, his usual carefree expression alighting his face once again as he told some inside joke to Potter, who let out a tiny giggle, before he and Lupin were gone.
Tonks gave her shoulder a squeeze before heading back into the kitchen. Potter hung her head between her shoulders, moisture creeping out from the corner of her eyes which were squeezed tightly shut.
"He'll be fine, Potter." I said, cursing myself as soon as the words left my mouth. Idiot! You regretted promising her this exact thing last time Black went on a mission and look what happened to him!
"You've told me that before." She replied menacingly "You're all liars, you can't placate me like a child anymore, I'm not blind to the danger! So stop spouting that shit to me, anyone of us could die at any time and there's nothing that can stop it."
I held in my rebuke about her bad language, wanting to keep her calm above all else "You're right." Her brow furrowed, obviously expecting me to be argumentative, as was usually the case between us.
"Now come, I'll show you what potions I brought for you to take." I said gently "Regimentally and religiously taking, I'll add." I ushered her back into the dining room, staring pointedly at her half-full plate of breakfast and casting a warming spell on it. She harrumphed in annoyance but picked up her fork again nonetheless.
By the time she was finished, I'd lined up the vials and written basic instructions down for her to follow. She listened intently, and barely made a face when she gulped down the three potions I'd set in front of her to take this morning. My temper was even shorter than usual after the exhausting last few days I'd had, so I was grateful that she'd decided not to fight me today. I carefully told her about the dosage of Dreamless Sleep, warning her of how addictive it could become and that I'd slowly wean her off it in the next few weeks.
"But…then what?" She said, breaking her silence for the first time since I'd begun.
"Expand please Potter, I can't read your mind" I said, recognizing the irony in that statement.
"I — Well, once I stop taking it, there'll be nothing to make me fall asleep. And the dreams, last night I—" she stopped herself from revealing anything more, her gaze flitting to Tonks who had just appeared again.
I sighed, resisting the urge to tell her to figure it out for herself. I'm not a damned therapist!
"Perhaps mediation before bed, to help you reframe and control your emotions. You'll need to find what works best for you."
She nodded her head, but her expression gave me the distinct impression that she had no faith that meditation would stop the nightmares.
"C'mon, Buckbeak needs feeding" Tonks said, coming up behind her and chatting amiably to Potter as she led her upstairs. I felt a slight twinge of annoyance that Black and Tonks seemed so eager to have Potter around the beast, but I knew she'd be safe with Tonks.
I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding, leaving the potions on the dining table before quickly gathering the rest of my things and apparating back to Hogwarts. I collapsed gratefully onto my plush bed and fell asleep almost instantly.