The next few days passed similarly; Snape would come by most mornings to make sure I was eating and taking my potions, then he'd try to bully me into doing something he deemed to be useful. He'd look over my summer assignments, find books in the library he thought I should read, or he'd pick particularly nasty rooms in the dilapidated house for me to clean by hand. I knew he was doing it to keep me distracted, but a part of me hated him for it. I knew he was trying to help, but I didn't want it to come from him. He'd admitted that he was only here as a favor to Dumbledore, and if anyone I wanted Sirius or Mrs. Weasley to be here looking after me. Someone I loved and respected, not the man who'd ridiculed and despised me from the moment I arrived at Hogwarts. Even if he was making a valiant effort to be civil, I never felt completely at ease around him. I'd known him for over four years now but, unlike every other teacher at Hogwarts, I never knew exactly where I stood with him. He'd proved enough times over the years that he would protect me when I was in danger, but that never stopped him from insulting or visibly loathing me.

Snape would usually leave after making lunch for the both of us — departing only after assigning a task for me to complete by the following morning, thus keeping me occupied until late in the afternoon. I'd gotten so fed up with his constant nagging and attention the day before that I'd blatantly refused to do anything he suggested and instead huffed off to the library, curling up in the window seat with a book Hermione had gifted me. I wasn't actually intending on reading it, but I needed to send Snape the message that he wasn't in charge. He could boss me around at Hogwarts, but here, during the Summer holidays, I could do as I pleased. My attitude wasn't helped by the fact that my nightmares had returned since Snape had officially cut me off from sleeping draughts, claiming that if I rested with Buckbeak the nights would pass by easier.

"Potter, what the hell has your wand in a knot?" Snape asked, storming after me into the library.

"You can't give me orders to do things like we're at Hogwarts! I'm sick of you monopolizing all my time, it's like living with the Dursley's!"

"What did you just say to me!? Don't you dare compare me to those monsters! After everything I've done—" He retorted dangerously, face red and eyes furious. He'd been calm when he came in, visibly upset, but still calm. Now he was frighteningly irritated. "And what, you think because your dogfather isn't here we'd leave you to your own devices for the rest of the summer? You've proved that you can't take care of yourself without supervision!"

"I didn't think you'd be here every single day! I don't have to do what you tell me to anymore!"

"And what are you going to spend your time doing otherwise, hmm? You should know that Black poured every drop of alcohol that was here down the drain when he heard you were coming. You and I both know that you can't be trusted when left to your own devices."

"I took care of myself for eleven years before any of you bothered showing up! And some days I wish I'd never gotten that letter, I wish I never found out about the Wizarding World or my part in it!"

It would be so much easier that way. If I had attended a muggle school and stayed in Surrey. I wouldn't have ever met any of the people I cared so desperately about now, but if I never knew them I would never have to contemplate losing them either. Like I had Cedric.

"Fine, you want to spend a day mourning your dead boyfriend, be my guest!" Snape said, clearly reading into the true meaning behind my words. His cloak billowed around him as he left the room and I heard the front door slam as he made his exit.

I shrieked in annoyance, my mind spinning from the confrontation. Why does he have to be so damned irritating! I thought, casting my book aside so it slid across the floor until bumping into the armchair opposite me. I held my head between my hands, tangling my fingers into my greasy, unkempt hair. I marveled at what I had so freely shared with Snape minutes before, revealing my dealings with the Dursley's and even one of my darkest thoughts — that I shouldn't be in this magical world, that life here had become more unbearable than ever and more days than not I wanted out. I knew it wouldn't make my pain go away, and in all reality, I could never abandon those I loved to the murderous havoc Voldemort would soon wreck. But it was nice to imagine a fantasy world I could escape to, somewhere far from everyone and everything. Maybe somewhere near Cedric's grave in Wales? It had sounded so picturesque when McGonogall had described it to me.

I knew that I needed to distract myself, and quickly, from these thoughts unless I wanted to have another panic attack. The day was incredibly hot again, and Snape hadn't done me the favor of casting a cooling charm over the house like he usually did before leaving for the day. I went upstairs, quickly resolving to go for a swim in Buckbeak's charmed lake. It wasn't home to the cleanest water, but it would definitely help cool me down.

I riffled through my chest of drawers before pulling out the black one-piece Hermione and Ginny had helped me to pick out in Hogsmeade what felt like a lifetime ago. It was cut low in the back, exposing the skin more than halfway down my spine, and it had thick straps criss-crossing across my ribcage. I had known I would need a new swimsuit for the second task, as I would be mocked for eternity if I wore the oversized dark brown number Aunt Petunia had grudgingly bought for me from a charity shop last year. I would've died if Cedric ever saw me wear that monstrosity.

Hermione and Ginny had been oohing and awing at the black one-piece when Fleur came into the shop, quickly picking a light blue swimsuit to try on and coming out of the changing rooms looking ethereally beautiful. Her little sister and a troop of older Beauxbaton students had joined her, and I couldn't help feeling self-conscious standing next to her, both of our bodies laid bare with just a thin layer of Nylon between us and the world.

The Beauxbaton students had hated me since my name spouted from the Goblet of Fire, always whispering to one another and giggling whenever they passed me in the hall or between classes. But Fleur had at least always tolerated me, never being outwardly unkind. She'd surprised me that day in the shop when all I'd wanted to do was cover my imperfect body as I stood next to her goddess-like form. Fleur had turned towards me appraisingly, her eyes intimately traveling up and down my figure.

"Mmm, it's a pity Hogwarts robes cover such beautiful, feminine figures" she said in her heavy accent "and it's no wonder Cedric can't keep his hands off of you!" she continued with a small smirk and wink. She quickly went to get changed before I could reply, purchasing the blue suit and leaving the shop with her speechless posse.

Ginny had burst out laughing, declaring "Well now you have to get that one, if Fleur approves then it must look good!" while Hermione had sputtered about how perfectly dignified Hogwarts robes were.

I donned the swimsuit and regarded myself in the dusty mirror for the first time in awhile, turning this way and that until I had seen every possible angle of myself. I felt sick at what I saw; the swimsuit that mere months ago had clung perfectly to my figure now sagged and was loose, my eyes were puffy and had deep bags, and my skin looked sallow and unhealthy. I needed to fix this — Snape's potions clearly weren't doing the trick.

I willed flesh to appear on my bones, imagined color coming back into my cheeks. The glamour began to appear as I pushed and stretched it into form, blinking away the stars that appeared in my vision from the effort. I was incredibly satisfied with the result and overjoyed that I had been able to form the glamour, as a part of me was still terrified that my magic had left permanently. I could hide the truth of how I looked even from myself if I kept the glamour up, I told myself as I looked at my reflection — a mirror image of my healthy-self six months ago.

I made my way upstairs to Buckbeaks room, reveling in the sunshine that kissed my flesh and instantly relaxed my stiff muscles. I fed Beaky before he stretched his wings and took to the sky, soon becoming a distant spot in my vision. I wondered how far the extension charm on this room went; surely Buckbeak hadn't reached the end of it yet?

Sweat clung to my body as I moved towards the edge of the lake and dove in after climbing to the top of a slightly elevated rock. The water was like silk as it rippled around me, but it was much colder than I had originally anticipated. I stroked out towards the middle of the water, coming to a stop when I saw Buckbeak flying low over the water. He circled towards me, and I playfully splashed him and ducked out of the way as he dive-bombed at me. I'd brought Hedwig into this room the other day too, and she regarded us regally from her perch in a nearby pine tree as we played. I started shivering in the water despite my exertions to keep afloat but continued playing with Beaky until my teeth began to violently clack against each other and I decided it was time to get out.

Buckbeak trotted over to where I rested in the grass and lay beside me. The freezing droplets of water that clung to my body quickly evaporated in the roasting heat, though it seemed to take ages until my core temperature warmed up. I patted Buckbeak goodnight and Hedwig landed on my shoulder as I exited, heading downstairs to take my evening potions. I could feel the effort of keeping my glamour up and began to tire from it, but I didn't want to take the chance of dropping it and not being able to reform it if my magic suddenly vanished again.

I soon dropped into the library's sofa, too tired to bother going upstairs, and wrapped two heavy quilts around my still-chilled form, slowly sipping a mug of tea before falling into a restless sleep. I knew it was still night when I woke, my head pounding and cheeks burning with fever. I stumbled into the medicine cabinet in the downstairs bathroom, identifying a pepper up potion that I prayed was still fresh and downing it before shuffling back to the sofa and falling asleep. It was probably midday the time I next woke, still feeling just as miserable as before. That potion has probably been sitting there for decades, I thought as my head felt it would surely split from the migraine I felt coming on.

I thought briefly about using Floo powder to call for help, surprised that Snape hadn't made an appearance yet today. You asked him to stay away, the voice in my head reminded me. I quickly rejected the idea, feeling pathetic to even consider calling an Order member away from important work to get me through what was surely just a cold. I cleared my throat to get rid of a tickling sensation, which quickly morphed into a soreness, before rising to chug some water straight from the bathroom tap and then falling asleep once more.

I stirred at the feeling of a heavy hand on my forehead, then heard someone cursing softly under their breath. My head was cradled and something was poured down my throat — gentle hands held me still when I struggled against whoever was administering the burning potion.

"Shhh…go back to sleep. I'm here now"

And I was comforted by that trustworthy voice, even if I couldn't identify it before drifting once again into a fevered rest.