"Why are you looking at me like that?" "I am just… speechless. You look beautiful." (Madney in bed, and Maddie realizing how safe she finally is )
She both loves and hates her job. On the good days, she can leave with a smile. She feels on top of the world. She's delivered a baby, helped a kid perform CPR, calmed an anxious mother. Those days are usually the norm. But then, there are the not so good ones. They come few and far between, but they are no less easy to deal with. Today was one of those days. Where she felt like no matter what she did, how hard she tried, how calm she was, tragedy would unavoidably strike.
She's not even sure what she's watching on TV. She had driven home in a daze, almost on autopilot, and turned it on just to feel less alone. She's not sure who to call. Josh had an anticipated date. Buck had plans with Eddie. She briefly wonders if she should text Chim. She grabs her phone, fingers hovering over the keyboard, this close to typing out a message. Then she puts it down. They've only been back together a month. He's probably busy, or tired. He shouldn't have to deal with her, not like this. Then she hears the doorbell. She glances up at the camera, already forming a response in her mind to tell the delivery person to just leave it on the porch. Her mouth drops open. Almost like he had read her mind, there he is.
No matter how many times she sees him, her heart still beats just a little bit faster. It's the way he's standing, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot. It's his smile, bright, but also a little unsure. It's the fact that he's holding 2 bags. One with the logo of their favorite Chinese restaurant, the other with a familiar red bowl inside. The mustard bowl, he had dubbed it, since it was the one, he always brought when he made her hot mustard. He made it perfectly, and always remembered, ever since that first time they had eaten together, and she had mentioned how much she enjoyed it. She takes a deep breath, heads over and opens the door.
He smiles at her as he steps inside. "Hey, so, I just got off of work and thought I would surprise you."
She smiles back, but maybe it's forced, or tight, or maybe he's just really good at reading people. Whatever the case, his face instantly changes from happy to concerned as he gazes back at her.
"Maddie, everything okay?"
She gives a quick nod. "Oh, yeah, everything is absolutely fine." There's silence, she knows that he knows that she's lying. She waits for the raised voice, the disdainful tone, it never comes. Instead, he just gazes at her. She loves his face. He has an incredible range of expression. Happy, sad, heartbroken, he can do it all. There's no annoyance as he watches her, no disgust or anger, just unequivocal kindness, openness, like he'll wait forever. Knowing him, he probably would. Chimney is one of those people who will sit with you in silence for hours until your ready to talk. She loves that about him. In her head she knows he'd never yell, judge, pull back, but it's still so hard for her to accept that. She finally speaks, her voice is soft, timid, almost like she's afraid that what she has to say isn't important. "Well, no, not really, it's just been a really hard day." Her shoulders slump as she sits on the couch. It's like saying it out loud made thinks worse, because now she must really admit that she isn't okay. She can here Chim pat into the kitchen, knows exactly when he sets both bags on the counter, feels the couch sink oh so slightly as he comes back and sits down beside her. Then he speaks, just 3 simple words.
"I'm so sorry."
She gives a small shrug. "It's okay, nothing you or anyone else could have done about it. It's just part of the job I guess."
He nods slightly. "I completely understand."
She can feel her mouth drop open as she gapes at him. "You really do." Her tone is almost in aw as she watches him.
"Yes?" He ends the word with a slight lift, almost as if he's not sure.
She quickly tries to explain. "No, god, that came out wrong. You get it. You really do, and, I've never had that before. Doug was a surgeon; his job was to fix broken hearts. He always knew what he was doing." She couldn't help but notice that her voice didn't even shake when she said his name. She was making progress. "I love my brother, but he runs in, pushes through the smoke, and is able to come out in a blaze of glory. I know he doesn't think of it that way, but I do."
He gives a small nod. "I know what you mean. He's an amazing firefighter, but I don't think he ever thinks about what happens after." He paused, and added very quietly, "But I definitely do."
She nods, slowly sliding next to him on the couch. "I wish I didn't have to think, you know. Like, I just want to be able to take a call, do my job, and if it goes bad, take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and pick up the next one."
His lips quirk up in a tiny smile. "Mads, you're not a robot. You just can't turn your emotions on and off like that. Your human, your going to have great days, good days, and bad ones. It's only natural that your allowed to be sad sometimes."
"Yeah, I know, but I wish it were easier."
"I'm not going to lie and say that you'll figure everything out, and that this will never happen again, because both you and I know that that just isn't true. But I will tell you what someone told me a long time ago."
As he speaks, she wonders how she got so lucky. Out of all the men in the world, she had found this one. Someone who will never yell, will listen, will help, and will always be there. She's taken out of her thoughts by his next sentence.
"At a certain point, you need to try your hardest to hand it off. You can't control everything. In that moment, you do your job, answer questions, talk them through a procedure. Then, I get there, I insert an IV, monitor, keep them alive until we arrive at the hospital. Doctors do the rest. Maddie, you were an amazing nurse, are the best dispatcher I know, but you can't keep thinking that it will never end well. If you do, you'll quite literally drive yourself crazy. So, the next time your sad, please try and remember that. Believe me, I know it's way easier said than done."
She's not sure what to say. A thank you seems a little underwhelming after that, so instead, she raps her arms around him, squeezing tight. "That's really good advice, thanks."
He shrugs. "No problem, happy to help." He trails off, eying her contemplatively. "Why didn't you text me?"
His tone sounds normal enough, but also a little hurt. She sighs. "I didn't want to bother you. You do so much, I didn't want you to feel like I couldn't handle anything. We just got back together, I." Her speech is interrupted as he gives her a long kiss.
After it ends, he looks at her. "Maddie, you are the most important person in my life. I'll always be there for you, no matter what. Text me anytime, about anything, I'll always answer."
"I will, or at least, I'll try harder."
"Great, that's all I want. So, are you hungry, food and hot mustard are in the kitchen?"
She hesitates. She honestly isn't. But if she says that, will he think less of her? Feel like he wasted a trip? She could force herself to eat. Again, her face must tell all.
"Maddie, it's okay to say no, you know that, right?"
She should know that. She's been around him long enough to know that he won't care if they eat or not. Conceptually, she does, but every time he does something small, shows her he cares, she remembers Doug. How he would be kind 1 minute, abusive the next. "Actually, I'm really not, is it okay if we don't, not now anyway."
He shrugs, the exact way she knew he would. "Sure thing, let me just put this stuff in the fridge." As he opens the fridge, he calls back to her. "Good decision, leftovers are way tastier anyway." That gets her to laugh. She loves how he can so effortlessly put her at ease with a joke, but also how he can be completely serious when needed. Whether she wants to admit it or not, she's fallen, and fallen hard. He comes back and sits down beside her. "So, what do you want to do?"
"Can we just cuddle in bed?"
Instead of answering, he stands and extends a hand. She takes it and he pulls her up. Not for the first time, she really appreciates his height. She had always imagined she would be with someone tall, like Doug. But there is something so comforting about Chimney. He's never towered over her, looked down upon her, intimidated her. It's one of the many contrasts between him and Doug. It's only capitalized on when they slide into bed together and she drops her head onto his chest. They fit perfectly together, like matching puzzle pieces. He's about to stroke her hair when he says, very softly. "Remember 2 taps, I stop, no questions asked."
She loves him. She can finally admit that to herself. Loves everything about him. The 2-tap rule was one of the first things they established when they had started doing more than kissing. He wanted her to know that he would never dominate her, threaten her, and that the second she felt uncomfortable, she could have a subtle way of telling him without words. It's one of the reasons he rarely drinks at parties. It's why he usually declines late night bar runs with Buck. He had told her that he would never want to unintentionally hurt her. She must be staring off again because his next words make her jump.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I am just… speechless. You look beautiful." She internally winces, she could have done better than that.
He gives a self-deprecating laugh. "Ah, thanks, I'm okay I guess."
She shakes her head emphatically. "No, you don't get it. You do so much for me. Remember how I like my eggs. Practice making my mustard. Call and text me when you know I've had a rough day. Get Bobby to cook my favorite meals. Take off shift early to visit me at work. Come over at all hours to make sure I'm okay. Listen, help. I just, you will never understand how much you mean to me."
He runs his fingers through her hair. "Maddie, for you, I'd do anything. I want to give you the world. You mean so much to me. I will always be here, no matter what."
She thought she was finished, but she finds herself continuing. "You waited when no one else would. You gave me as much time and space as I needed to heal. You've never pushed. You made me able to trust when I never was able to before. You taught me what it means to have a person. You make me feel safe, happy, joyful. I can never express what that has meant."
He holds her tighter. "Maddie, no matter what happens, I'm not going anywhere, I can promise you that. Nothing you say will ever change that."
She knows it's true. He's had plenty of times to bale on her and he never has before. He's solid, stable, exactly what she required after Doug. For her, Chimney is that one person. He saw what she needed and was there to help her heal. As his fingers continue stroking her hair and her eyes blink closed, she can feel her body begin to relax. Tomorrow will bring more challenges, more tough calls, but she'll be okay, she has her Chimney, and right now, in this moment, that's enough for her.