What?!

By Ldynwaitin

Chapter Three

Gods just want to have fun!

Coyotl slowly walked down the corridors. His hands stuffed in his pockets, he happily grinned when he saw Peters and Spears running past him, each carrying two axes.

Coyotl softly sung, "Watch the thorns."

Smelling something wonderful, he followed his nose. Finding the cafeteria, he rubbed his hands with glee, as he entered the large room. He found it hard to contain the grin on his face. The room was full of humans. His mind was filled with all the tricks he could play on them.

Peters and Spears handed Jack and Teal'c an axe. Taking it, they began hacking at thick vines that grew from an air duct on the ceiling. The corridor was filled with high-pitched screams as they cut the last of the vines.

"Colonel O'Neill," Hammond said on Jack's walkie talkie. "Report."

"Sir, I don't know how it happened, but we have vines growing in our air ducts. And sir, I believe they came from P2H-529. They look like Audrey3."

"Audrey3, Colonel?"

"It's a carnivorous plant that we found on the planet we were on. I have no idea how it got in our ducts."

"How many?"

"Working on that now, sir. I'll get back to you. Peters, Spears, you're coming with Teal'c, and me. And Teal'c, try to wipe that smile off your face. You look like the Cheshire cat."

"I do not know what a Cheshire cat is, O'Neill, but I have tried, I cannot."

"Well, work on it."

They sprinted down the corridors. Passing the rest rooms, they saw people rushing to them covered in food. Several were holding their stomachs and groaning as they ran into the rest rooms.

As another group ran by him, Jack saw Siler. Grabbing him, he said, "Sargent, what's going on?"

Siler gripped his stomach. "Something we ate, sir. Sorry, sir. I have to go, NOW." Pulling out of his grip, Siler ran into the rest room.

Running to the cafeteria Jack had to duck when he opened the doors. A plate of spaghetti flew over his head. The room was in chaos. People were fighting, food was flying everywhere.

Jack slipped and fell on a puddle of Jell-O. Teal'c helped him stand up. Gripping his axe, he shouted, "What the hell is going on here?"

Suddenly the lights went out, emergency lights turned on seconds later. The people in the room stopped fighting. They seemed to be confused. "I don't care how this started," Jack said. "But clean this mess up"

Leaving the cafeteria, he said into his walkie talkie, "Someone talk to me"

"It's Walter, sir. (burp) sorry. We're getting overheating readings in the climate control. (burp) sorry. We don't know what's causing it."

Hearing screeching Jack said, "I may have an idea, sergeant. And try taking an antacid."

Clutching his axe, he pointed ahead. "We need to get to climate control pronto, Teal'c, let's go."

The lights in Daniels room turned off, seconds later the emergency light flicked on as Daniel lay quietly sleeping. He was unaware of a thin vine peeking through the fins of the vent. As it grew longer, it grew thicker until the fins popped. The vine then poured into the room. It formed into a small ball. Slowly the ball grew larger, a large bright red flower opened from its center. As the petals of the flower hungrily snapped, vines began to snake out. They grew towards the bed Daniel was laying on. Growing up the bed, a vine curled around his ankle. With a gentle jerk, it slowly began to pull Daniel off the bed.

As his shoes hit the floor, the door to the room slammed open.

"Oh no you don't!" Coyotl shouted. He jumped on the bed and grabbed Daniel's arm. He struggled to pull him back on the bed, but the vine was to strong. His eyes sparkled as he said, "Daniel, wake up!"

Blinking his eyes, Daniel woke up to seeing himself pulling his arm. Looking down, he saw a large vine wrapped around his ankle. The vine was attached to an Audrey3, which currently was trying to drag him to her. Rolling around, Daniel grabbed the footboard on his bed.

"Coyotl," Daniel growled. "What…what's going on?"

Coyotl shrugged his shoulders. "I was just having some fun."

"You think this is fun?"

"It's not my fault," he whined. "I didn't know she would grow that fast."

Daniel felt a vine curl around his other ankle. "You controlled me, do something!"

"I can't control plants. Besides, that's just the baby."

Suddenly Daniel saw Sam standing in the doorway.

"Da…niel?" Sam said. She couldn't believe her eyes. There was two Daniels in front of her. She had no idea if she was seeing things, but it appeared one of the Daniels was going to be eaten by an Audrey3.

"Sam," Daniel shouted. "Do something before I become Audrey's dinner."

Searching around, Sam picked up a spear leaning against the wall.

"No, no, no!" Daniel shouted. "That's a Zulu Ixwa, it's priceless."

"Daniel!" Sam said.

"Fine," he relinquished. "Hack away."

Sam pulled back, and stabbed the vines connected to Daniel's ankles. The vine screamed and released him. Coyotl and Sam helped him up and pulled him out of the room. Slamming the door shut, Sam backed up. She tightly held the spear in her hand.

"Daniel, what's going on? Why is there an Audrey3 in you room, and why are there two of you?"

Daniel squinted, as he looked at Sam. Reaching over, he took his glasses from Coyotl and put them on.

"Daniel?" Sam couldn't tell the difference between them.

"Sam, I'm Daniel." She saw the one with glasses raise his hand.

"Then who is he?"

Coyotl bowed at the waist. "I am, Coyotl." He stepped closer to Sam. With a sly grin, he said, "You're as beautiful as a feather flower, Sam. You remind me of Xochiquetzal."

"Who or what is Xochiquetzal?"

Daniel looked uncomfortable. "She's the uh, Aztec goddess of sex."

"Whoa, no!" Sam said, as she took a step back. "Definitely not her, nope, nothing like her." As she whipped the spear around, she noticed Daniel's eyes was glued to the spear.

"Sorry," she handed it to Daniel.

He reverently took it from her and gingerly leaned it against the wall. "Priceless," he whispered.

Coyotl eyed Sam up and down. "You have a beautiful body, Sam. Why do you hide it with men's clothes?" He slapped Daniel on the back. "I'm sure you and she have…"

"Coyotl!" Daniel yelled.

"What? Why does everyone keep shouting at me? I can hear."

"Okay, change of subject. Sam, his name is short for, Huehecoyotl."

"Who?"

"He was, is the Aztec god of mischief. He's the one that brought Audrey3 here."

"For fun," Coyotl said.

"One of his abilities, as you can see, is shapeshifting."

Coyotl spun around, "Do you like it? Daniel says the clothes brings out our eyes." He fluttered his eyes.

"He's an Aztec god," Sam said. "Like Quetzalcoatl. The one Nick saw?"

Coyotl angrily crossed his arms, "She knows HIS name, me, they don't remember."

"Yes, Sam," Daniel said. "He's a minor…"

"I'm what!" Coyotl growled.

Daniel smiled, "He's like a major god, only better."

Coyotl grinned, "I like that."

"Where did he come from?"

"Well actually, you've seen him before. He was Dino."

Sam stared at Coyotl; for a second his skin turned purple. Shaking her head, she couldn't believe what stood before her was once a small purple dinosaur.

"Daniel, you know Colonel O'Neill told you…"

"I know, and he's going to kill me."

"You keep saying that," Coyotl said. "Do you want me to kill him first?"

"No!" Sam and Daniel said.

"Coyotl," Daniel said, with a small laugh. "That's just an expression. It's a joke."

"Okay," Coyotl said. Half grinning, he shook his head. "Sorry, doesn't sound funny to me. Oh, I wanted to thank you for helping me get off that world."

"Helping you?" Daniel said.

"Yes, I was stuck there. I couldn't use the u-wo-lo-wa."

"U-what?" Sam said.

"Aztec for circle. Coyotl, we call it a stargate."

Coyotl frowned. "Yes, I couldn't use the u-wo-lo-wa, so I was stuck on the planet for years since the box was broken."

"The box?" Daniel said. "Are you saying you were inside the box?"

"Yes, I was stuck in the box for so long. I couldn't get out until that tree fell on it and cracked it. But now I'm out, and I wanted to thank you. I've had so much fun here."

"That must be why the metal was so dense," Sam said, in revelation. "If he's a shapeshifter he could only be confined in a super dense metal box."

Coyotl sadly sighed. "Itzamna made the box to keep me inside. But the planet was a desert when I was imprisoned. It changed into a jungle. It was the tree that got me out. And you helped me finally get off that planet."

"You were imprisoned?" Daniel said. "The writing on the box. It said a dangerous demon was inside."

Coyotl laughed. "I'm not dangerous. I swear, Daniel. My crime wasn't something bad, at least I thought it wasn't bad. I was just having fun," Coyotl whined.

Suddenly they all heard a loud thump, immediately a klaxon began blaring. "Uh oh," Daniel said. "That doesn't sound good."

Jack's voice blasted in the hallways. "Carter, if you can hear me. We need you at climate control, yesterday!"

A second later, they heard Walter on the intercom. "We have a (burp) Code Orange situation, I repeat we have a Code Orange situation. (burp) Damn! Everyone except essential personal is to evacuate to the surface immediately."

Coyotl couldn't stop laughing. Daniel's head slowly turned, he pointed to the speaker. "Did you do that?"

"(burp) YES!" Coyotl said, with a row of giggles.

"Daniel," Sam said. "The temperature, it's feels hotter, and the air thicker. Those vines, I bet they're clogging up the vents. That could overheat the cooling equipment. We're a thousand meters underground. If they block the exhaust vents it could compromise our air."

Daniel eyed Coyotl. "You said you're not bad. If you started this, then please help us stop the vines from causing more damage."

Coyotl found his fingers suddenly fascinating. "Coyotl!" Daniel shouted.

"See, always shouting. Shouting makes me nervous." Folding his arms, he turned around.

"Coyotl," Sam sweetly said. "Can you do it for me?"

Coyotl wickedly smiled as he turned around. "I would get rid of all the vines for you, if you wear a cueitl. Just a cueitl."

"Daniel?"

Daniel's eyebrows raised to a new high. "It's an Aztec skirt."

"Yes, please," Coyotl said. "Just a Cueitl, nothing more. You would be so beautiful, Sam."

Sam tightly fisted her hands. "If you didn't look like Daniel, you'd be flat on the floor." She angrily glared at Coyotl, before turning and walking away.

"What?" Coyotl said. "She's not beautiful? Is that another expression I got wrong?"

"Coyotl, you have to stop this. It's not fun for us. People may get hurt. You owe me." Daniel wagged his finger in his face. "I did save you."

Coyotl's head lay back, and he groaned. "Ahhh, you are such a needy race. Okay, I'll try."

Daniel led him to the climate control room. "They'll be mad at me though," Coyotl said. "Especially Jack. He must like your name, because its always, Daniel, Daniel! DANIEL! Maybe you should change your name."

"Coyotl, when we get there, let me do the talking."

Sprinting down the hallways, they entered the climate control room. Stopping, Daniel whispered, "Déjà vu."

The room was overgrown with vines. It looked as if he was back on P2H-529. Screeching filled the room. Jack, Teal'c, Peters and Spears were hacking at the vines.

"Carter!" Jack screamed. "We need to find a better way of getting rid of these things."

"I have to shut down power to the venting turbines first, sir." Sam said. "I think the vines have stalled their rotation and they're overheating. We could have a fire if I don't cut power now. With the turbines down, the smoke will fill the facility."

Daniel turned to Coyotl. "You said you could get rid of the vines."

Coyotl shyly smiled, "Well, I may have lied a little."

"What part?"

"The part where I can help you get rid of all the vines."

Daniel's head dropped. "That's the important part."

"But I didn't know they would grow so fast," Coyotl sobbed.

Daniel stared at Coyotl. He held his index finger in front of his mouth and closed his eyes.

Coyotl stared at Daniel. "Are you sleeping?" he whispered.

"Thinking."

Seconds later, Daniels' eyes opened. "Back in my room, you said the Audrey3 was a baby."

"Yes," Coyotl said, as he was digging into one of his vest pockets. "It was the baby that almost ate me on the planet. I wouldn't have died, but it would have hurt, a lot!" Grinning, he pulled out the pen he found.

"What do you mean it was a baby, can you hurt the babies?"

Coyotl was happily clicking the pen he found. "I love this, what's it called?"

Daniel grabbed his hands. "A pen, now Coyotl, please focus. The babies, can you hurt them?"

Sighing, he tucked the pen back in a vest pocket. He said in a bored voice, "If you kill one baby, you get new ones."

"Is there a mother that makes these babies?"

"Yes," Coyotl said. "I bought one here. She was just a little thing. But if the vines have grown this fast, then she's a lot bigger and meaner."

"Can you find her; then can we kill her? Will it stop her babies?"

Coyotl looked worried. "I can find her. Killing her will kill her babies, but she's hard to kill."

"Coyotl, will you help us, please?"

He looked worriedly at the room filled with vines. "I can't help you. She's really mean. Kept me hopping on the planet for so long. She scared me, Daniel. She ate me so many times." He now looked frightened.

"Coyotl, I thought you told me that you're better than the major gods. Show me that you're not afraid. Can you help me find her and kill her?"

Coyotl grinned, "Major gods, they're not so great. Great big wind bags."

"It might be fun," Daniel sung.

"Fun? I'll do it."

"Great," Daniel said. "Now all we have to do is get Jack to agree."