Chapter 16: Veteran
"Ow!" She woke up with a kick to the shin from Shikamaru who was, as usual, fast asleep next to her. He had been tossing and turning in his sleep for the past two hours which meant Temari hadn't slept in the last two hours. She eventually gave in and decided to wake him up from whatever was troubling him. She tried a gentle nudge but she should have known that wouldn't work. One of the first things she learnt about Shikamaru is it takes an earthquake to wake him up from sleep. She resorted to a gentle kick to his side but accidentally pushed him off the bed.
He shot upright as soon as he hit the ground with a shaky gasp. It took him a few seconds to get his bearings but after a few deep breaths he calmed down. He covered his face with a hand as he slowed his breathing and heart rate. He felt a slender arm slide across his shoulders while a soft hand enveloped his and pried it away from his face. As his pounding heartbeat subsided he could hear her gentle, soothing voice calling his name. "Shikamaru."
"Huh? Hi, yeah, sorry." She looked in his eyes, searching for any remnant of the dream he was having but couldn't find anything. He just looked exhausted and scared, so she gently kissed his forehead, pulled him back into the bed and held him while he fell asleep.
In the next two weeks, he started having his nightmares more frequently. Almost every other night he would wake up sweating with his heart racing and Temari still had no idea why. If she asked about it he would just say he didn't want to talk about it, but he'd always go back to sleep by wrapping his arms and legs around her, holding her tightly. Finally she was fed up of constantly being woken up in the night and decided to make him talk about it.
"What is it?" she asked as softly as she could. She was never used to being comforting but she was trying her best to be someone dependable for Shikamaru. "What do you keep dreaming about? You can tell me."
She could she him staring deep into her eyes for trust, strength and comfort. "It doesn't make you any weaker if you tell me. I'm not trying to fix you I just want to know." He looked down at his hands and took a few deep breaths.
"It's not easy living through a war is it?" was all he said. He flicked his eyes back up to Temari's worried ones. She didn't want to give him any reason not to trust her so she just shook her head honestly. "I dream that we're back there." In an instant she understood. She knew exactly what he felt, what he was scared of and what he was dreaming about. She knew because she'd had the exact same dreams. "It's always the same; we're on that battlefield and we're helpless while everyone around us dies and the scariest thing is that I can't see you."
She laced her fingers with his and rubbed over his knuckle with the pad of her thumb. She used her other hand to stroke his cheek just below where tears were forming but stayed silent. "And then I see it; I see your body curled up on the ground, the same way it is next to me when we sleep only it's covered in blood. And that's when I wake up." She traced her hand over his chest and felt his racing heartbeat just from talking about it. Moving her hand up to his chin and tilting it towards her face, she spoke.
"I'm not going anywhere." She made sure to look him dead in the eye as she continued. "We've survived, Shikamaru, me and you are survivors. We aren't going back there, and not even a war would get rid of me. I'm here by your side, not lost in the frenzy like I was then. I'm right here with you."
"I know," he responded, "and I'm here too. But the difference is I never realised how much that war could have taken from me. I had to deal with what I lost when I came home but I never had to deal with the hypotheticals. It terrifies me that I almost lost you without even getting to be with you. It terrifies me that now I have something to lose. And I feel like a coward the way I fight when I want to come back to you at the end of it."
She almost laughed. "You have no idea how much I can relate. It scares me too having not just my life but our life together to lose. But it doesn't make us cowards, does it? It just makes us more cautious and less blasé about throwing our lives into every battle. And it makes me fight to make sure I come home at the end of the day."
He smiled a small, sad smile. Brushing her hair away, he kissed her slowly and softly to say what he felt but couldn't put into words. "Yeah you're right," he said and kissed her temple, "as always."
She smirked and looked into his eyes once more before turning off the lights and crawling into bed. They both slept soundly for the first time in an eternity, but tangled in each other's arms to feel secure.