Note: This occurs in the same universe as Stetsons and Fal'Cie. It takes places after the story.

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The Crazy Chocobo Lady, or Don't Mess With Vanille the Kid

Serah Farron was a lot of things, but a coward wasn't one of them. Together with her friends – and one, scandalously handsome stockman – she'd faced down the worst Cocoon could muster and come out on top. Sure, they'd had a couple of close calls, and they'd come back pretty beat up, but they'd won, and that was something special, all right.

Right now though, she wasn't feeling too brave, and the reason was standing right there in front of her. Why on earth had she thought it would be a good idea to have Vanille come in to talk to the kids about chocobos? It was like lighting a stick of explosives, and throwing it into a store full of fine china.

But maybe she wasn't giving the other woman enough credit. They'd become pretty close since all that business with Cocoon. Vanille had a cheerful way of handlings herself, a quick wit, and a tongue that was equal parts sailor and silver. She was also something special when it came to machines and science. Anything that Serah asked about, Vanille usually had an answer for, and there were times when she wondered why the other woman hadn't gone into teaching or maybe industry. Then she remembered how much Vanille liked blowing things up.

At the moment, Vanille was walking through the class, spinning a tale about a rare chocobo, and the struggle she'd been through to catch it, and bring it back to her ranch outside of Bodhum. Serah wasn't sure just how much of the tale was true, but the fact was, the red head did disappear now and again, and she usually did come back with a chocobo or two. The fact of the matter was she'd already started building up quite a reputation. If folks wanted a rare chocobo, then Vanille was the woman to go to.

The kids were downright filled with awe as Vanille told her story, but a few of them were also taking the chance to try and get in a bit of mischief. Yuffie, in particular, was looking to make some trouble. She'd already managed to get her sandwich out real quietly, and now she seemed set on throwing it at Vincent. Serah sighed. It was no wonder that Yuffie was always asking her for more food – she seemed determined to make Vincent wear hers.

Serah was just about to say something when Vanille flashed her a quick smile. The red head had spotted Yuffie too, and it seemed like she wanted to try her hand at schoolhouse discipline. Green eyes twinkling, Vanille fairly skipped over to Yuffie. She made sure to smile real nicely, and then, still smiling, she plucked the sandwich out of Yuffie's hand and took a bite out of it.

Yuffie's eyes widened, and she stared from her now empty hand to the sandwich Vanille was happily taking a bite out of.

"This is quite a sandwich you got here," Vanille drawled. She grinned and took another bite, taking care to really savour it. "I've got to say, it's been a while since I had roasted chicken with cheese, and there's even a hint of pepper here too." She nodded firmly. "This is a top quality sandwich, the kind I'd pay good money for."

Yuffie's mouth opened and closed a couple of times before she finally gathered the wherewithal to say something. "That was my lunch!" she blurted. Frantically, she waved her arms around. "Stop… stop eating my lunch!"

"Your lunch? Doesn't look that way to me." Vanille leaned over and took another big bite out of the sandwich, right in front of Yuffie's face. The little girl snarled and made a grab for the sandwich, but Vanille just danced away, easy as could be. Serah had to hide a smile behind one hand as she did her best to look calm and composed. There were appearances to keep, after all.

"Ms Farron!" Yuffie wailed, getting to her feet and pointing at Vanille. "She took my lunch!"

Serah nodded. "Yes, Yuffie, she did." Her lips curled a fraction at the edges. "But you weren't planning on eating your lunch, were you?"

Yuffie winced.

"If I didn't know better," Vanille said, finishing the sandwich and licking her lips. "I'd say you were just about to mash that sandwich of yours into the hair of the boy in front of you." In front of Yuffie, Vincent turned and gave the girl a real hard look. "Seems like a waste of good food to me, and that's something I just can't stand. Good food is for eating." She chuckled softly, but there was something just a little bit threatening about it too. "And you know what else I can't stand? Little girls who muck around while I'm trying to talk."

Yuffie sank back into her seat, eyes wide. Serah twitched and it took everything she had not to burst out laughing. Vanille could be right scary when she wanted to be, but the gleam in the red head's eyes made things clear enough. She wasn't mad, not really, but she was going to have a little fun. It might even work out for the best too, since Yuffie was a pretty clever girl when she actually got around to applying herself.

"What… what are you going to do?" Yuffie murmured as Vanille leaned over her, lips pulled into something that wasn't quite a smirk.

"I don't suppose you know what orange and red chocobos eat, do you?" Vanille asked, her voice silky with just a hint of menace. Fang called it her 'crazy' voice, since it made her seem just a touch wrong in the head. She let her smirk widen a fraction and knelt beside Yuffie's table, her face level with the little girl's.

"Um…. they eat grains and things, don't they?" Yuffie asked. The rest of the class had gone all quiet, and it was like the woman in front of her was the whole world. "Maybe?"

Vanille gave a little laugh and wrapped one arm around Yuffie's shoulders. Under different circumstances, it would have been friendly, but Yuffie just looked terrified. "Well, you're not too far off, kid. But you're not quite right either. You see, most chocobos do eat grains and things, but orange and red chocobos are a little different. They're a bit wilder, got a taste for something… more interesting."

"More interesting?" Yuffie trembled.

"Yes, more interesting." Vanille gave Yuffie a gentle pat on the head and directed the girl's eyes out the window to where Vanille's orange and red chocobo was tied up in front of the school. "You were watching when I tied him up outside, right?" Yuffie nodded slowly. "See how tight I tied him?" Yuffie nodded again. "If I don't, he makes trouble." Vanille smiled sunnily. "Want to know what kind of trouble?"

"No…" Yuffie was thinking long and hard about never, ever putting anything in Vincent's hair again.

"I'll tell you. You see, orange and red chocobos like eating people." Vanille grinned like she'd just told a joke. "Now, a grown up like Ms Farron is a little too much for a chocobo to handle, but a little kid like you? You'd be easy pickings."

"That's… that's not true." Yuffie shook her head back and forth. Why wasn't Ms Farron doing anything?"

"Really? Then why are his claws so big?" Vanille asked. Yuffie swallowed thickly. The chocobo outside really did have much longer claws than most chocobos. "And why is his beak so pointy?" Yuffie forgot how to breathe. That beak was real pointy. "And if it isn't true, then maybe after class, you could help me get him untied?"

"No!" Yuffie screamed, finally finding the energy to break away. She ran over to Serah as quickly as she could, and flung her arms around Serah's legs. "Help me, Ms Farron. Don't let her feed me to the chocobo. I promise I'll be good, just don't let that crazy chocobo lady get me!"

Serah smiled warmly and gave Yuffie a gentle hug. "I'm sure she won't do anything of the sort, provided that you are very good from now on, isn't that right, Vanille?"

Vanille shrugged and looked around at the rest of the class. Almost as one, every kid in the class snapped to attention. "Sure. Only bad kids get fed to my chocobos. Good kids don't taste nearly as nice."

Things went just about perfectly after that, and after class, Serah pulled Vanille aside.

"What you told Yuffie, it isn't true, is it?" Serah asked.

Vanille looked around to make sure none of the kids were around and then burst out laughing. "Of course not. Chocobos don't eat people." She pointed at the chocobo outside that all of the kids were giving a very, very wide birth. "That fellow there likes oats more than anything else, and maybe a little corn on the side. He's real easygoing too, just about nothing gets him mad."

Serah gave a little laugh. "So his claws…"

"I forgot to trim them last week, that's all." Vanille shrugged. "And his beak has always been like that."

"I see." Serah smiled. "Well, thank you kindly for coming in today, Vanille. I daresay the children learned a thing or two."

And indeed the children had.

From that day on, just about every kid in town knew about the Crazy Chocobo Lady and her kid eating chocobos. Somehow, Serah got the feeling that Vanille didn't mind that at all.

And Yuffie? She never threw her lunch at Vincent again, at least not when there were chocobos around.

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Author's Notes

As always, I neither own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.

So… here's another 'epilogue' of sorts for the Stetsons and Fal'Cie universe. The whole chapter is sort of based around a remark that Vanille made in Chapter 31 of that story about wanting to have so many chocobos that everyone will think she is crazy. Well, I couldn't resist letting that particular wish come true. And who better to think she is crazy than the kids? Besides, I just think that she and Serah have a certain feel to their relationship, the kind that makes it real easy for them to just get along and joke around. For those of you waiting for your favourite character to get a bit of an epilogue, don't worry. I've got stuff in mind for almost everyone. Stetsonss and Fal'Cie has kind of carved a niche in my heart, and it's fun to come back to it now and again (although writing with a Western feel after so long can be tricky, since I've been working mostly on stories involving gods, superheroes, and zombies…).

On an unrelated note, some people have mentioned to me that it looks like I am going through a whole range of alternate universes. This, as a matter of fact, is not too far from the truth. I like writing in a range of genres, and going into different kinds of alternate universes helps me do that. Writing in different alternate universes also lets me try a range of different things, and it helps keep my writing fresh. One reader has even suggested that I explore a pirate AU next. I can't say that I will, but I will say the idea is definitely amusing. If I ever do, just wait for a joke about pirate Fang wanting to "shiver" Lightning's timbers… and yes, I know that pun was lame, but I just couldn't help myself. You will also notice that I've decided to label the chapters in this story (in the chapter selection bar). I don't normally do this, but I thought it might be useful. I've also added some designation to the chapters to show which universe is involved (e.g., OH = Ordinary Heroes, SH = Superhero, SF = Stetsons and Fal'Cie, WG = Whispers of the Gods, etc.).

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.